Sorry it's taken so long, but I've been working on this during my lunch hour.
I saw my story is in a Favorite Stories list! Wow! That's flattering!
The Songs:
'I want to love what love is', and 'I've been searching for a girl like you' by Foreigner
'I can't fight this feeling anymore,' REO Speedwagon
LOVE SONGS
Sara left Grissom's house, angry and confused, and drove away as fast as she could. By the time she arrived at the CSI lab parking lot, she had calmed down enough to call Professor Cole and tell him that she had talked to Grissom, though she didn't tell him what he had said exactly.
"Sidle, can you keep an eye on him for me? I would have asked you earlier, but you weren't on call-"
"Professor, what is the matter? He isn't sick, is he?"
"He just needs someone to talk to."
"He won't talk to me" She replied bitterly.
"Just try, Sidle please. For old friendship's sake?"
She smiled a little. Cole had been a favorite teacher.
"I'll try, Professor. I'll call you later."
She remained in her car, wondering how to proceed. In the end, she decided to treat Grissom as a suspect in a case. She would need help, though. She called Brass. He would be discreet.
MIDNIGHT
An hour later Sara left the airport convinced that Grissom had not made another reservation. He had never even been at the airport at all. She called Brass, who could only confirm that Grissom had not been involved in any accident.
"He was seen, however. The cop says he was distracted; apparently he was on his way to the airport but made a sudden turn-"
"Did he tell you where?"
Brass told her, asking her to keep him informed. There wasn't much he could do if he wanted to keep it quiet.
Grissom woke up with a start. He was hunched over the steering wheel, and every muscle in his body protested when he tried to move. Even his eyes hurt in fact.
He was heaving, now and then –'like a little kid,' he mused. He carefully sat back and squinted. There were fewer cars parked on the street now, but there were more people passing by. Seedier characters. Grissom looked at his watch and gaped when he realized that two hours had passed since he had lost his flight. What had happened? He touched the steering wheel, noticing that it was wet. He had been crying…
He felt around for his phone and redialed. Ah, now he remembered; he had called Chicago Travel and had been put on hold. Something had happened then, and he had started to cry. By the time the operator took his call, he was sobbing uncontrollably and couldn't answer any of her panicked questions Sir, are you all right? Should I call 911? Sir? I have your number- He had hung up then.
Grissom looked at his own reflection on the side window. He had been sobbing like a baby and he had felt as if something was crumbling inside him. A wall, of course. For the first time in years, he had remembered things he had kept behind that wall in his mind, in his heart. He felt naked now, he looked at himself and recognized feelings that he had kept inside; and he recognized something else, too: regrets and guilt.
He noticed the note on the dashboard. He touched it and closed his eyes, full of remorse.
He should call her and explain… no. Apologize, that's it. He should apologize to her. As soon as his hands stopped shaking, he'd call.
Sara was driving her phone rang. She answered quickly, relief clear in her voice.
"Sidle"
She heard an intake of breath, and nothing else. She shivered, fearing the worst. It was his phone number, but what if it wasn't him calling? She held the phone closer to her ear and realized that the caller was having trouble breathing-
"Grissom! Is that you?"
"Yeah." His voice sounded horribly raspy, as victims of near strangulation do sometimes.
"Are you hurt?"
"No." he frowned, "I'm fine, why?"
"Where are you?"
"Still in Vegas." He admitted. He took a deep breath, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, Sara."
"It's ok, Grissom." She said, trying not to fire up questions "I'm sorry I entered your house like that, but I just- I mean, Professor Cole was so worried, that I-"
"I know," he interrupted, "But you don't have to worry, Sara, I'm fine."
"What are you doing?"
"Driving." He lied. "I'm… on my way to the airport."
"Really? Good. I'll meet you there then"
Grissom closed his eyes.
"I won't have time to talk, Sara"
"That's ok. I'll just wave goodbye."
Trapped! Grissom tried to come up with some excuse but he was too tired to find a believable lie.
"Grissom?" She insisted, and her voice was full of concern now.
He could picture her beautiful face marred by worry. He held the phone against his face, imagining that it was her hand, cool and gentle on his cheek, drying his tears, comforting him. He imagined himself asking her to come to his rescue, knowing how fast she would drive just to help… But then she would ask questions and he would have to answer some of them and he didn't want that. He couldn't reveal himself to her; he would lose her respect if she knew -
"You're not going to the airport, are you?" She said slowly
"Sara, I'll call you back later, all right?"
"No, wait! Wait, Grissom, please. Listen, would you let me see you? Just for a minute? I need to see that you are ok. Please? It's just that… I have this feeling that something is wrong. I want to help you if I can-"
Grissom "Not now, Sara."
"Just for a minute-"
"No!" He made an effort and got himself under control. He spoke quietly, "I'll talk to you on the phone, ok? Are you driving right now?"
"Yes"
"Would you stop somewhere?"
"Why?"
"It's dangerous to drive and talk at the same time"
"All right" She accepted but only because she was in the area where he been seen last. She trusted he wasn't that far away. "I'm stopping, Grissom. Did you stop too?"
"Yes, Sara"
"Will you tell me what's going on?"
"I'm… I've been crying for hours " he blurted. He immediately cursed himself for being so truthful all of a sudden.
"Why?"
"I'm just having a little crisis here. And I ran out of tissues" he added, trying to lighten up their conversation. "I have an old t-shirt here, though" he rubbed his face with it and his next words were muffled by the cloth "I'm afraid my brain is disintegrating through my nose-"
"Eeew, Grissom!" she groaned but couldn't help to smile "Now I'll have this image of your head shrinking!"
"If I keep this up, tomorrow they'll find my body, dried up like a prune" he joked, but she sucked her breath as if she was going to cry and he cringed "Sara, I'm only joking- "
"Really? Tell me where you are, then"
"No… And stop worrying about me, will you?"
"I will if you tell me where you are"
"I'm in my car, in a quiet street. Well, not so quiet; I've seen some shady dealings on the corner-"
"Why don't we drive somewhere quiet?."
He didn't answer for a while.
"Grissom?
Just then there was a song he barely remembered…
So long, I've been looking too hard, I've been waiting too long
Sometimes I don't know what I will find, I only know it's a matter of time
When you love someone, when you love someone
It feels so right, so warm and true, I need to know if you feel it too
"I've been thinking-" he mused
"What about?"
"Life. Consequences. Fear." He shuddered "Music, too. These last two days I've been starring in Gil Grissom, the Musical."
"What?"
"You won't believe this, but almost every song I heard seemed to say something about my life."
"Well… "
I've been waiting for a girl like you to come into my life
I've been waiting for a girl like you, your loving will survive
I've been waiting for someone new to make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you to come into my life
I've been waiting, waiting for you, ooh, I've been waiting
(I've been waiting for a girl like you, I've been waiting)
Won't you come into my life?
Grissom shook his head, remembering the day he met Sara.
"My father was a musician, did I ever tell you that?"
"No." she was amazed "You've never mentioned him before"
"He worked in an office, but played the piano too. Or he still is, I don't know."
"How long haven't you known?"
"Years. Almost all my life." 'Maybe he's haunting me' he thought and abruptly turned off the radio.
"How was he?"
Grissom didn't say anything. He looked at the street, the cars, the hookers walking by… He looked at her note on the dashboard and he felt sad again.
"Grissom?"
"What you said in your note. Is that true? You don't regret anything?"
"Nothing." then she added "Well, except for the hard time I gave you over that promotion."
"Are you sure, Sara?" he challenged "I haven't been a good friend to you, or haven't you noticed? Did you know that I was planning to leave for good?"
"Why?"
"I wanted to start over. I thought taking another job would solve things"
"Well-"
"Sara," he interrupted "I was running away, all right? I knew I should have at least notified the lab, but I didn't care."
"And what made you miss your flight?"
"I don't know. Something is holding me back," He said bitterly "It's annoying because I can't leave but I can't stay here either! I hate feeling like this, so insecure and needful! All my life, I've been able to leave! " he mused "I've always left behind anything I didn't want to deal with; I've always turned my back on people who tried to get close. That's who I am, and suddenly it seems I don't want to be that person. But I don't know who else to be!"
"You don't have to be anybody else," She said quietly, "I think you're being too hard on yourself. You feel uncomfortable after that fight you had, but you shouldn't, you know. People here think it's very brave what you did."
Grissom laughed bitterly
"Oh, Sara, you just don't know. " he took a deep breath and weighed his next words. He felt the need to tell her everything, even knowing that her reaction could be to simply hang up. Well, he deserved that, didn't he? He'd tell her. It was easier on the phone after all. "I wasn't brave at all, Sara. I was a coward. I did something terrible."
"Grissom, we all make mistakes, we're only human-"
"You don't understand… I could have saved him."
"Who?"
"Martin! I had a chance and I didn't do anything! I talked to him and…"
(Flashback)
Grissom had found him at the Gym; Melvin Martin was watching a group of kids play basketball. He was sitting alone, scowling. However, Grissom noticed that the kid smiled brightly whenever someone waved at him. As soon as the person who had waved turned, though, the kid got serious again. When he saw Grissom, he nodded warily.
"You have more questions about Matt?"
"No, Melvin, the case is officially closed" Grissom sat "I came by to see how you're doing"
"I'm doing ok."
They both watched the game for a moment.
"You are not playing?"
"I suck at ball games." he smiled and waved at someone. He chuckled "They asked me to come just because they feel bad about giving me a hard time in the past."
"Did they give your friend Tim a hard time, too?"
"Sometimes. Matt used to hold them back, though"
That was news to Grissom. Matt was the older kid who had killed Tim. Melvin looked at Grissom.
"Everybody thinks that Matt was a bad person, but he wasn't. He was our friend. He used to say that kids should stick together"
"Do you know what made him change his mind?"
"He didn't change his mind"
"But he killed your best friend"
"I don't want to talk about it" he said, looking directly at Grissom and the older man shivered when he saw that look on the kid's eyes.
"I'd like to understand Matt" Grissom explained "He protected you, yet he shot your best friend. Why did he do that? Melvin?"
"I hate that damn name" he muttered angrily "Do you know how many Melvins there are at School? Only lucky me"
"Well…" Grissom smiled "You can always ask people to call you by your last name."
Melvin smiled tentatively, then he shrugged.
"Nah, why bother. That's what Matt said. Why bother, at all?"
"What else did he say?"
"He said it wasn't worthwhile, to go through life-" Melvin stopped abruptly. He turned to Grissom, and lowered his voice, "You know, don't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"That day, when I said that I didn't know what had happened, you didn't believe me"
"I did believe you, but I thought you were holding something back."
"It was a pact"
"A pact?"
"Matt was supposed to take the three of us. But at the last minute he couldn't shoot me. He said I was too young."
"It was a suicide pact?"
"I had the notes in my pocket." He said matter-of-factly, "Matt planned it for a couple of months. He had planned it for years, really, but didn't have a gun, so-"
Not a very nice friend, thought Grissom.
"He must have realized that it would be wrong to take your life"
"But don't you see? I didn't want it! I thought it would be over! And now I have to come to school and eat and do things, and it was supposed to be over!"
"Martin, I think you should talk about this-"
"That's what I'm doing!"
"What I mean is that you should talk to someone who is qualified. Would you do that?"
"Why can't I talk to you?" he said, his eyes quietly pleading. "You understand what I'm saying. You don't get all weird out by it."
"I'm not qualified," he said patiently
"You mean, you don't want to talk to me" the kid said, his disappointment very clear. He turned his attention back to the game
"Martin, I can find-"
"Someone qualified, right?" he snorted, "I only have to smile and say that I'm ok, Mr. Grissom" he smiled brightly "That's all they want to hear."
Grissom was going to say something, but the kid's next words cut him off.
"If you don't leave right now, I'll scream and tell everyone you're molesting me"
Grissom left and later contacted the kid's mother and the School therapist, but true to his word, Melvin fooled everyone.
End flashback
They remained in silence for a moment.
"Grissom, you did the right thing. You weren't qualified-"
"He only needed a little push, a little indifference to do it. He got it from me"
"You couldn't know-"
"I did know." He interrupted "Deep down I knew he'd do it. I tried to convince myself that others would help him but the fact is the only person he tried to trust in was me. But I so was scared of him! He was… like me. I didn't want to face that. I wanted to keep that time buried and forgotten. I do that when I can't deal with something, you know. I just ignore it, repress it, hoping it will go away. I didn't think I was hurting anyone until this boy died. You see, Sara? I didn't want to talk to this kid, not because I wasn't qualified, but because to help him I would have had to take a hard look at myself. And I didn't want to…" he held back a sob "I couldn't. I've kept that part of me buried and that's how it should remain. But he was just a kid. I didn't want to hit his father as much as I wanted that guy to pound on me-"
"Grissom, you're assuming all the guilt there!" Sara protested, and as quietly as she could, started her car. "Please, tell me where you are."
"No"
"You don't have to bear this alone." She pleaded "Tell me where you are and I'll be there in a minute."
"Can't." he replied "Not now."
"All right. I'll find you any way"
"Sara-"
"I'm driving," she interrupted "As fast as I can, Grissom. I have only one hand on the steering wheel-"
"Sara, I want you to stop-"
"If you-" Suddenly a chorus of horns and brakes drowned her answer
"Sara!" he was alarmed "What was that?"
"I drove through a red light, that's what!" she replied defiantly
"Damn it Sara, stop!"
"Not until I find you!"
"I'll hang up-"
"No, you won't! " she said firmly "You need me! You know you do, Grissom! And I need you, too"
Grissom pressed his forehead against the side window.
Yes, he needed her. He told her where he was.
Sara was closer than she had thought. She parked behind his car and cautiously looked around. For Vegas, it was a quiet street, but she wasn't taking any chances. She paused before leaving her car. Was she really up to this? She took a deep breath. She remembered Grissom's own words and realized she was the only person Grissom was trusting right now. She wouldn't fail him. She walked purposefully to his car.
She tapped on the passenger window. She saw him place his phone on the dashboard, and open the door without looking at her.
Grissom was aware of her movements, though. She was putting something on the dashboard. A box of tissues. He smiled to himself. Then he realized she was handing him something. A Styrofoam cup with the lid on.
"It's tea. With one sugar, as you like it"
He took the cup, grateful that she wasn't fussing over him. He sipped the tea, noticing that she had put some ice in it so he wouldn't scald his tongue. Her thoughtfulness moved him and he took a big gulp to stop himself from breaking down.
"Can I turn on the light?"
"No, please. My eyes hurt a little" 'and I don't want you to look at me,' he could have added but didn't. He would be careful. In his present state, he felt like telling her everything he had discovered about himself. He had told her too much already.
"You left this at your place" she said, handing him the group picture. Grissom looked at it and placed it next to her note and their picture.
"Thank you" he said, quietly drinking his tea, knowing that as soon as he finished it, he'd have to talk. To stall for time, he reached for the radio but suddenly he felt it was too risky. She noticed though, and turned it on herself. She chuckled.
"Let's hear 'Grissom and Sara, the Musical'" she teased.
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far, to change this lonely life
I want to know what love is, I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is, I know you can show me
She gaped and turned to him, but he didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry about all this." He said suddenly, without meeting her eye "I'm sorry Gary got you involved"
"It's ok"
"It's not ok." He shook his head remorsefully. "You should be out on a date, instead of worrying about your boss"
"Me on a date? I'd rather keep you company" Sara patted his arm lightly "I'm glad you called me"
"Thank you" he said, and looked away. Grissom finished the tea and put the cup next to her note, knowing very well that he wouldn't get rid of that cup. He'd put it the box he had labeled S.S. to remind himself of this moment whenever he felt lonely.
He crossed his arms, feeling cold, even though it wasn't really chilly. 'We're fire and ice' the song had said, and it was true. Sara rarely wore sweaters while he always needed long sleeves. 'Fire and Ice, the dream won't come true…" It was painful.
After a moment of silence, Sara turned to him.
"Can we talk?"
"Oh, Sara…" he shrugged "I'm feeling better now. I'm sorry I spooked you."
"And you're going to pretend nothing happened" she muttered, frankly disappointed.
I want to know what love is, I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is, I know you can show me
I'm gonna take a little time, a little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me
Grissom closed his eyes. He tried not to pay attention to the song and instead tried for a little humor.
"You know what I lack, Sara? A sense of proportion. I should have little crisis every year, instead of lumping them all together and freaking you out"
"And you should stop trying to carry all the troubles in the world on your shoulders" she replied, and reached out to touch his arm. She gently tried to make him uncross his arms, but he wouldn't. She kept her hand on his arm then, using it as leverage to get closer. She practically invaded his personal space. She placed a hand on his cheek and gently turned his face to her. His eyes were bloodshot. He was clearly trying to look away, but she had to try to comfort him. She leant forward and brushed soft kisses on his swollen eyes.
He gasped at the cool touch of her lips, a healing caress.
He didn't move. He kept his arms crossed around himself, but he let her take him into her arms, a hand gently cradling his head until it rested on her shoulder. He found himself leaning against her; she felt soft and strong at the same time; she gave him a sense of security. He felt his body relax in her arms.
"Talk to me, Grissom" she whispered in his ear. She felt him shake his head no. "Trust me" she insisted, softly kneading the tension away from him tense muscles. They had never hugged before and she was discovering the weight and feel of his body in her arms. She liked it. She tilted her head a little and kissed his curls.
He shuddered. He felt vulnerable, horribly so, but he also felt this was a dream come true. Sara was holding him, for God's sake! If he only moved a little, he might kiss her neck. If he opened his mouth a little, he might be able to taste her skin and, if he only dared to move, he might know -finally- how she fitted in his arms.
He felt the need to speak; words crowded his mind, and he was barely able to keep them away. He wanted to confess all his sins and open his heart to her. He wanted to love her, he realized, and that thought pained him. She was this close but in his mind she was far away, in Hank's arms.
"You don't have to leave if you don't want to." She whispered in his ear "And you don't have to be somebody else just to start over. I don't know who you were before I met you, but the Grissom I know is unique. You look at the world with wonder in your eyes. You love magic. You love to learn. I'd never met anybody like you. And until I met you, I didn't feel I could fit in the world. You taught me to like myself. You've given Warrick, Greg, and me a place in the world. We wouldn't fit anywhere else but here, with you. We all look up to you. You are our hero and we love you. And you take care of us, Grissom, but who takes care of you?"
He pulled back and looked at her. They gazed at each other and she couldn't understand why he looked so sad, now that they had finally broken down one barrier. She smiled but he didn't.
"I'm not that great a person, Sara"
"I'm not saying you are perfect, Grissom" she said humorously "You've pissed me off plenty of times"
"I'm sorry"
"We're only human, Grissom. I'm sure I've pissed you off plenty of times, but you've never said anything"
He shyly leant his forehead on her shoulder again. He liked to lean on her. Ah, that reminded him of a song he had loved as a teenager…
Lean on me when you're not strong and I'll be your friend…
And then, as if on cue, a new song came:
I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I say there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction, you make everything so clear
And even as I wander I'm keeping you sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I been running around in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl
Sara frankly gaped and wondered if Grissom was right about songs and musicals. Grissom pulled back and looked at her.
"I'm scared" he blurted.
"Of this?" she asked, placing her hand on his cheek.
He resisted the need to lean into her touch. He heard his own words, amazed that he could be this truthful.
"I'm afraid that you'll get to know me. And then you'll turn your back and leave."
"Oh, Grissom, " she said as if his words hurt her "I wouldn't." she said firmly "Not unless you ask me. Are you asking me to turn my back and leave you?"
His wonderfully expressive eyes were telling her 'no' already, but the words she wanted to hear weren't coming.
"Grissom?"
He took a deep breath and then he shook his head.
"No. No, no, don't leave." He exhaled, leaning forward until his forehead touched hers. "Never, Sara" He said desperately "Never, never leave me" and he hugged her, impulsively, needing her warmth and tenderness. He stiffened a little when he realized his hands were on her back and for a brief moment he didn't really know what to do, until he remembered how much he had wanted to feel her body close to his, and how long he had waited for a chance to put his hands around her waist.
He remembered too, how much he wanted to kiss her. He'd need courage to do that, but now that they were so close, he tilted his head and let his mouth caress her skin, discovering the different textures as he slowly explored her with his lips. He loved the marble coolness of her neck and she tilted her head back to help his explorations. Suddenly the velvety softness of her cheek claimed his attention and he caressed it for a long time, before he slid his lips over her mouth. He could taste the lip gloss, almost gone by now, but familiar, as familiar as everything about her. Familiar and until now, forbidden. Apple lip gloss.
Sara sighed as his lips touched hers, not kissing, just touching, soft as feathers. She had never been cherished like this. Grissom's gentleness was seducing her. She timidly darted the tip of her tongue to touch his lips.
Grissom opened his eyes and looked at her. She had a tentative smile; she was wondering if he was prepared for this, when suddenly he leant to brush his lips against her mouth again. And gently, slowly, he drew her tongue into his mouth. And the world as they knew it changed.
TBC
Let me know if you liked it. If you didn't, please be gentle!