Spoilers: The Accused is entitled.

OLD SONGS

The song: Holding on to yesterday, by Ambrosia

Grissom sighed as they kissed, loving the way she was caressing him with her soft tongue. Her hands were all over him, too; he could barely think except to realize that he wasn't cold anymore, and that a strange song was reaching his ears. He'd heard it before, but it felt different somehow… Her moans. God, she was moaning, yes, and he was the one eliciting those sounds from her. He loved that music, he thought, softly pressing her against the side door. He was pulling up her shirt when suddenly someone yelled-

"HEY, MAN, GET YOURSELF A ROOM!" and someone kicked the car.

The yell and the noise brought a harsh reality to Grissom and Sara. They opened their eyes in a panic and looked at each other for a split second before quickly pulling apart. Outside, a guy was laughing wildly and making rude gestures. They quickly sat up, amazed and a little embarrassed.

They had truly forgotten where they were. Up until that moment, Grissom's main concern had been whether he'd be able to unhook her bra, while Sara had been happily unconcerned about having unprotected sex in a public place. It was scary.

When the guy finally walked away, Grissom cleared his throat.

"We… we should probably…"

"Yeah. Yes. I…" Sara sat up and smoothed her shirt down. "I'll go back to my car"

"Sara-"

"Are you hungry?" she asked, smiling nervously "There's a nice place nearby; we could go there if you want…"

"Yeah, whatever you say"

She gave him the address and fled to her car.

Grissom took a deep breath and grabbed the steering wheel to steady his shaking hands. He could not believe they had gone this far. He was deliriously happy.

'But she's back with that guy,' a little voice reminded him, squashing all his happy thoughts, 'don't put much faith in this.'

2:00 in the morning

Well I keep holdin' on to yesterday
I keep holdin' on enough to say
That I'm wrong
I keep thinkin' that I'm lonely
But it's only missing you inside
Days that we were once together
Seems they'll never come alive…
If I'd only known I'd need you
Then I'd keep you like before

Well I keep holdin' on to yesterday…

Grissom shook his head and turned off the radio.

The 'Veggie Haven' was almost empty; apparently not many people craved for health food at night. Sara waited as Grissom reluctantly left the safety of his car and followed her. They entered the place together, but before she could take a good look at him, Grissom excused himself. The men's room would shelter him for a while.

."I'll order," she called out

"No tofu, Sara" he warned, barely turning

"But Grissom, it's nutritious-"

"Sara, I mean it" he insisted, not realizing that she was only joking.

He entered the men's room and closed the door.

He inspected himself under the harsh light. Two days of fasting had left hollows under his bloodshot eyes. 'You look great' he muttered sarcastically, and splashed cold water on his face, over and over.

He still looked sickly and he didn't really feel much better. Grissom sighed.

He'd have to be careful. He owed Sara an explanation but he couldn't tell her everything he had discovered while he cried his eyes out. He'd have to thread carefully and let her know only a few bits and pieces. The rest, he would forget. As always.

Sara had taken a booth at the back of the restaurant, a relatively quiet spot. She was nervously shredding a paper towel, wondering what to say when he came. She knew he would never spill his guts to her, but after tonight, after that kiss, something definite had to happen.

She smiled brightly when she saw him approach the table. He looked as if he had worked several shifts without a break, and moved as if he was hurting everywhere, but he smiled back as he sat.

She had applied a new coat of lip-gloss on her lips, he noticed. Apple again; the one he had always wanted to kiss off of her. How many times had he sent her to work solo just because she was wearing it and the scent was driving him crazy?

He noticed that her lips were moving and he read what she was saying. "How-are-you-feeling"

He looked up.

"I'm ok." He said quickly. "Thank you"

"Are you hungry? I ordered you a vegetarian burger" She smiled when she saw the fleeting expression on his face. "You'll like it. I promise"

They looked at each other for a moment, and both reddened a little. Their moment of passion was still in their minds. Sara turned her gaze away.

Grissom looked around too, noticing the plastic foliage and the lush aquarium on the other side of the café. It was a nice place; he could imagine Sara seeking refuge here after a hard night's work.

He looked at her and she met his gaze again.

"I gave you quite a fright tonight, huh?" he said sheepishly.

"Yes, you did." She nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Sara" He said, "Really"

"Me, too. " she nodded and then added quickly "I mean, I'm sorry I didn't realize you were hurting. "

"Oh, Sara, you couldn't know-"

"I thought…" she lowered her eyes "I thought you were going to kill yourself"

Grissom winced.

"I was not- Oh, Sara, I wouldn't!" he was indignant "Never, Ok? I'd never do it. How could you think-"

"…You sounded as if you were giving up. You said you were like Melvin Martin"

"Did I?" he was amazed that he'd gone that far. He shrugged, trying to lessen the impact of his words, "I was like him" he admitted slowly, "When I was a kid, I mean. I tried to… you know. It was a long time ago." He said dismissively.

"Why did you do it?" she frowned. "It's such a desperate act, Grissom."

"Yeah, it is." He nodded, thoughtfully. "It's an act of resignation. It's… it's as if a door closed up in your face, and you don't find any other way out… Or you don't have the energy to find another way out. No matter what anybody tells you, the door is closed and you resign yourself to that fact…" he shrugged "Some people give up more easily than others"

"But why did you do it?"

"Sara, it doesn't matter anymore, really. It's in the past now."

"Is it?" she asked, her eyes filling with tears. "Right now, you don't feel as if a door is closing up on you?"

He groaned.

"Oh, Sara, don't worry about me, please? I was different then, I was just a kid." He wished he could find the right words to put her fears to rest. The truth was that no matter how desperate he became, he'd never kill himself; the idea of being torn apart in an autopsy horrified him. But of course, he couldn't tell her that. He sighed, "Look, I had a couple of bad days, ok? I'm all right now." He patted her hand. "Really, I am."

She captured his fingers

"Let's talk, then" she said seriously

He hesitated, looking as she entwined her fingers with his "Later, ok?"

Meaning, not now, not ever, as he very well knew.

"Please, Grissom. Now?" She insisted

"Sara," He took a deep breath "I know you mean well, but I just can't … Look. It's hard. It's… my life. My secrets are all I have-"

"You have me, too" she offered.

"Sure," he retorted calmly "Until you need to 'go to the movies' with what's-his-name again"

Sara gaped. And Grissom instantly regretted the words and the sarcasm.

"Sara" he started, but she interrupted him.

"He was friendly with me. As friendly as you were when we met years ago." She said as she released his hand. She angrily added, "What was I supposed to do, pine for you after you tossed me aside like you did?" She waited for an answer but he didn't give her any "I'll go get our orders" she muttered and left the table.

Grissom closed his eyes, cursing himself.

"That was unfair, you ungrateful son of a bitch" he muttered. After all, he had practically told her to go ahead and date that guy, hadn't he? And Grissom would never admit it to her, but at the time he had been relieved that she had found someone. That her happiness didn't rest in his hands anymore. Grissom regretted all this, but even today he couldn't see what else he could have done. After all, Sara HAD been happy with this guy, hadn't she? She would still be with Hank if he hadn't cheated on her. She still WAS with him, apparently.

'But she cares about you, too' he mused. 'She cared enough to look for you. Even if she's with that guy, she cares…'

Sara avoided looking at him as she placed a tray on the table. She handed him a plate and took another for herself.

"Sara-"

"You're sorry, I know. " she interrupted tiredly, handing him a glass of juice "Just eat, all right?"

She was pissed. Ok. He decided to give her a little time before saying anything else. Meanwhile, he'd eat a little if only to please her.

He tried a bite of his burger and was almost dizzy with pleasure as the flavors exploded in his mouth. He couldn't help to moan a little as he chew that delicious morsel; suddenly, he was so hungry he practically devoured everything in his plate, and went to the counter.

He returned with a second burger and a couple of containers of fresh fruit. He placed one container on her side and turned all his attention to his own meal.

"When was the last time you ate?" she asked curiously.

"Oh, about two days", he said unconcernedly "Hey, these are really good," he said, waving at the potato wedges on his plate

"Two days? What happened?"

"Nothing" he said out of habit. He looked up and explained, "I had a migraine and I couldn't keep anything down."

He left it at that and turned his attention back to his meal, but after a moment, he realized that she had stopped eating.

"Did I hurt you by dating Hank?" she quietly asked, looking at him.

"I resented you." He admitted, "I couldn't believe you weren't content with what we had."

"I was content" She replied. She remembered those first months working here, and how much she had enjoyed learning from him. "Until one day you told me that I needed a diversion. Remember how you made it very clear that it couldn't be you? You also made it clear that I couldn't be your diversion because your maggots were enough." She looked at him closely "I looked for a diversion, Grissom. He was nice and he offered me friendship. And later… I thought it would be nice to have a boyfriend."

"And what was it like?"

"Oh. It was ok, mostly" She said dismissively, "I had to wear weird clothes and weirder shoes, and be nice all the time." Then she added, thoughtfully "I saw you once"

"Me?"

"At a bookstore. I was meeting Hank and he was late, so I entered a bookstore to pass the time. And there you were, in the Mystery Classics aisle." She snorted, "I ran out of there"

"Why?"

"I was embarrassed. I was wearing some awful shoes and I could barely walk, and I didn't want you to see me like that."

"But I did" he said softly "You were wearing a flowered skirt, and heels, right?"

"Oh, God" she cringed "You probably laughed when you saw me limping"

"No. You looked very lovely," he said gently "Really, Sara."

She rolled her eyes, but she seemed pleased.

He frowned.

"I thought you were going to eat at that Italian restaurant."

"We were, but he was late. He didn't have much time, so we just went to a hotel" He winced and she reddened. She turned her attention to her meal, embarrassed by her pathetic memories. Grissom watched for a moment.

"I thought you would be better off with him" he said abruptly.

She looked up, her spoon frozen in mid air.

"I thought…" Grissom hesitated "I thought he'd be able to give you all the things that I could not."

"What things?" she was puzzled

"You know… a normal life. A life" he said pointedly "Marriage, kids…a home…"

Sara put the spoon down.

"I thought I could share you," he added and she frowned.

"Share me?"

"Yeah. I thought I could share you with that guy. I decided that working with you would be enough; that whatever you did with him didn't matter because I didn't want that part of you anyway..."

Sara flushed again and looked away.

"…I decided to love your mind while he loved your body, because I didn't- I thought I didn't care that you were sleeping with him." Grissom said, ruefully. "But I did, Sara, a lot. I just didn't admit it to myself until yesterday."

Sara looked at Grissom as if for the first time tonight "You cared?"

Grissom barely nodded. "I was jealous," he confessed.

"You… you…" she stammered, "You should have told me! You should have called me as soon as you found out!"

"I couldn't." he said matter-of-factly "You loved him, didn't you? And I saw you running to him the other night"

"…Running?" she was puzzled, but then she remembered, "Oh. Yes, we talked. He wanted to apologize. He told me he was sorry about everything, and…" she looked at him, hesitating for a moment. Then she lowered her voice, "He told me that every time we had sex I called out your name. Can you believe that? I was cheating on him too! How pathetic can a relationship get?"

Grissom gaped at her.

"You should have called me," she repeated. "I would have run to you, Grissom"

"Sara, the truth is …" he looked at her, hesitating between hope and fear. Fear won. "It doesn't matter whether I care or not, Sara; or whether I love you or not because I can't… I can't change who I am, anyway. In the long run, you'd be better off with anybody but me. I don't know anything about relationships and I've never been a boyfriend, and you should have one. A real one" he added pointedly "As for me… I've never wanted kids, and I've never believed in marriage, and those are the things that make up a normal life. And I still think you deserve one."

Sara's eyes filled with tears.

"Did you ever ask me what I want, Grissom?" she asked bitterly "Did you ever ask me what I wanted from you? Damn it, did you ever ask me if I LOVED you?"

He looked at her knowing full well that she'd say yes to the last question.

He couldn't take this anymore. Her hopes were unfounded, why couldn't she see that?

"I know you love me." He calmly acknowledged "And maybe I love you, too. But it doesn't matter, because I have nothing to give you. Nothing. That's the truth about me." He opened his arms, "This is me, Sara. I keep feelings at bay. I hold them back and bury them until they fester and hurt other people. Do you think I don't know what others expect from me? I do know it and I don't care! I always knew what you wanted from me but I pretended I didn't have a clue. I was jealous of that guy but I kept hoping he'd marry you so I didn't have to deal with your feelings! And you know what? I like not having anybody's happiness in my hands! I like my solitude and I like my life, except when you're around to remind me that I've failed you!"

Sara looked at him, her tears flowing now. Grissom closed his eyes, wishing he hadn't hurt her like this...

He suddenly felt as if a door were closing... And he was closing it himself. He saw his future very clearly, then: Not death, but a long, long life lived in solitude… Sara's voice drew him back to reality.

"That's not you" Sara whispered defiantly, "That's who you become when the pain is unbearable. The real you were crying tonight. He was crying for you and me, and for a life that he doesn't know how to enjoy anymore. For a little kid he couldn't save."

Grissom looked away.

"Do you want to know what I wanted from you?" she challenged, "I wanted to be your best friend. I wanted to hold you in my arms. Share my ideas with you. Learn from you and teach you. Buy you things; a vegetarian burger, a book, I don't know! I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to love you. Damn it, I loved you! And YOU loved me!"

He looked at her serenely, "And one day you'll want something that I can't give you, or my silences will bother you. And then you'll leave."

"…Or some day you'll be sick of me and my moods." She retorted, "Have you ever listened to yourself, Grissom? Do you realize how much you need love to be 'forever'? Who could promise that? I couldn't, but I've loved you for more than five years. Five years that you've missed." She reached for his hand and fiercely held it "Do you know what I think, Grissom? I think that all those things that you believe I want: Kids, marriage, and a home? …Those are the things YOU always wanted and never allowed yourself to have!"

Grissom gasped at a sudden pain in his chest.

"Sara…" he whispered.

He could not believe this.

It was so simple.

She had found the truth. It was so simple but it had escaped his analytical mind. He couldn't believe that someone so young could understand him so well.

"I don't know who hurt you." She said quietly "And I don't know who made you think that you didn't deserve to be loved. But they are wrong."

Grissom closed his eyes then. He saw the door in his mind.

'Don't let it close,' he begged himself. 'Give yourself a chance… Give her a chance.'

There were dark corners in his mind that he didn't dare examine right now, but others, he could see under a new light. He understood the little fears that had colored his life and had made him what he was today. He didn't have to change anything if he didn't want to.

The only change that mattered was this: He would open his heart to her; he would conquer that particular fear…

It took him a while, but when he looked at her again there was tenderness in his eyes that she hadn't seen since the first days of their friendship.

"Thank you" he whispered, his lips trembling. "Thank you, Sara."

"You're welcome" she smiled

He took a deep breath

"I'd like to hold you in my arms" he said a bit hoarsely "I'll get up and go to you, but… can I hold on to your hand? For support?"

"Yes" she said firmly, even though she would have gladly run to his seat.

She understood that he needed to do this by himself.

There were only two steps and they held each other's hand the whole time, but it felt as if he was coming from far away… And in a way, he was.

He carefully sat beside her and slid his arms around her. He whispered in her ear.

"I need you"

TBC

I haven't had time to read the first chapters of this story, so if you think there are inconsistencies, please let me know!