I'll try to finish this as soon as I get back from my vacation!
4:00 am
They were still at the restaurant, sitting close together and talking in hushed tones.
"All my life I've held back one feeling after another…" he was saying, "It seemed to make my life easier." After a pause he shook his head, "I can't believe I got away with it for so long… I guess I became an expert at controlling my feelings." he sighed. "I was doing fine until I met him…" he glanced at her, "Well, maybe not so fine." He admitted apologetically, "But I was doing my job, which was the only thing that mattered."
"Grissom… Why is your job so important? You've let it become the center of your life"
He sighed.
"Oh, Sara, there are so many reasons…" he reached for her hand and held it, "I think my job always gave me a chance to get away from myself. Even when I was a kid I always kept myself busy. Books, insects… You know, the only time I ever got distracted from study was when I was in College. Ironic, huh? For some reason I couldn't concentrate on my studies; I kept thinking and thinking of anything but my courses. I couldn't even sleep. I think for the first time in my life I really became aware of how lonely I was and I didn't like it. Then I was befriended by some people, who… well, let's say they didn't have much interest in their studies either. I got seduced by them. We were very promiscuous." He said and pretended not to notice her gasp of surprise. "To me it was like the answer to a prayer. I sucked at relationships, so one-night stands were great: I had someone by my side for a while, I got to sleep a little, and I got to forget that I was alone. I was available and slept with anyone –just anyone, Sara." he sighed at the memories.
"It's hard to imagine you doing that."
"I was a mess, going from bed to bed, trying to feel some human warmth. In reality I was only dehumanizing myself, you know? We drank and took drugs, we got in trouble. Some teachers tried to help me; poor Gary missed classes because he was always rescuing me." He seemed lost in thought for a while and Sara patted his hand.
"What made you stop?"
"Oh, Phillip Gerard convinced me give College a chance. He said that I had to choose between my private life and my profession. That my profession would give me direction." He looked at her, "That sounded good. I was sick of my life, after all. I stopped cold turkey. No booze, no drugs, no sex; I went back to classes and dedicated all my time to study, and in time I became an investigator. End of story." He was silent for a moment. "It was the right choice, but I took it to extremes: I could have had a private life, Sara and didn't. I guess it was easier not to. Less messy…" He sighed, "But now I'm 50 years old and I'm having this crisis and it's all so exhausting." He closed his eyes and let his head rest on her shoulder. She tilted her head to kiss his cheek.
"Grissom." She whispered.
"Hmmm?"
"Will you trust me tonight?" she asked softly.
"Yeah." He nodded
"Will you follow me home?" she asked and he opened his eyes.
"Sara…" he hesitated, "I… I want to go with you." He nodded slowly, "I'm just not sure you know how screwed up I am"
"Do you feel something for me?"
"Oh, Sara," he turned to her. "I'm crazy about you. Always have been. I only wish I…"
She shushed him with a tender kiss on the lips.
**
8:00 am
He couldn't sleep. He had dozed a little, but he couldn't bring himself to lower his defenses long enough… He still didn't trust her that much.
He tilted his head to look at her. Her hair was a mess, but Sara in repose was as pretty as Sara awake.
He smiled fondly now, remembering the way she had finally collapsed, sweaty and flushed, her face very serious and sexy as she whispered, "You are mine, now".
He had held her, almost crushing her, grateful to her for bringing out a gentle side of himself.
"Yes, Sara." He had whispered when his breathing had quieted a little. Who wouldn't want to belong to her? It was easy; she was young and beautiful, and she loved him, for God's sake.
Grissom looked up at the ceiling, remembering everything that had happened in the last hours. He cringed when he thought of their phone conversation and the way he had made her cry.
But he had tried to make amendments later when she took him to bed. Judging by her reaction, he had succeeded. It made him proud. After all, he couldn't remember even being in love with the person he had sex with, not before Sara. He'd been afraid he wouldn't be able to love someone like this, but he had.
He just wished he could enjoy this feeling of utter happiness: They were in each other's arms, they had made love for hours, they were finally together! He should be shouting with joy.
"My Sara" he whispered, lightly touching the arm that she had flung over his chest "Mine. My Love". He said the words but suddenly he felt as if he were only playing a role, only saying what he was supposed to say, but not really believing his own words..
It was as if he was looking at himself from afar, watching Gil Grissom hold Sara, but not really feeling her body in his arms.
"Stop it" he said aloud. He cringed and hoped he hadn't disturbed her sleep. Thankfully, she didn't stir.
He closed his eyes, willing himself to feel her. There… the weight of her body on him… Her damp hair tickling his neck… Her wetness on his thigh… her breathing, even and reassuring.
He closed his eyes, relieved.
"I love you, Sara" he whispered, defiantly; he held her tightly and repeated, "I love you, I love you…"
He said it like a prayer.
He wanted to battle his demons, conquer all his nightmares… He wanted to shake this vague feeling that he wasn't good enough for her; he wanted to deserve her. He wanted to shake down the walls that surrounded him.
She stirred awake. She moaned a little and blinked. She smiled and sighed.
"Hey…"
"Hey, yourself" he smiled back
"You ok?" she whispered, stretching her arms.
"Yes."
"Did you sleep well?" she asked, rubbing her cheek against his chest.
"Great," he lied "You?"
"Like a baby" she smiled. "Are you hungry? I can make some oatmeal," she offered, and then smiled seductively, "San Francisco style."
"Ah," he smiled "My favorite." He pulled back a little to see her better. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were still half closed with sleep.
"What?" she teased.
"You're so lovely" He said wistfully
"And you're so insatiable" She replied, smiling knowingly.
He reddened and was about to apologize when she surprised him by singing,
'That's why darling, it's incredible
That someone who's so insatiable
Found somebody… who's insatiable too…'
(sung to "Unforgettable")
He smiled and leant in for a kiss. As he gently cupped her breast, he promised himself he'd do anything to make this relationship work.