TITLE: The Amazing Adventures of the Boy Who Lived (Somehow)
AUTHORS: Paige Prewett and Jade Hunter
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters and properties of Harry Potter belong to us. We're poor. Don't sue. This fan fic, in its very nature, borrows heavily from the actual words of J.K. Rowling. We do not claim to have written it all, nor do we claim a copyright to the parts that she wrote. It's all meant in good fun...for the most part. If you are a stupid person, then we're not sorry.
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Greetings, readers.
Antonin Dolohov here. Bellatrix Lestrange and I have decided that enough is enough, and have decided to give everyone the truth about what would have really happened to the scrawny little boy named Harry Potter in those books you all seem to adore so much.
To put it bluntly, he'd be dead. Very dead. So dead that just normal dead would look alive.
I mean, really, think about it. I pounded the crap out of Alastor Moody, the greatest Auror who ever lived. And yet Harry's able to open up a can of whoop-ass on me with bloody "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS?" Hello, people!
I don't care how good a wizard you are, if all you know are school spells, you aren't going to beat me. You're just not. Learn to deal.
And then there's Bella, who's probably the Dark Lord's second-in-command. Destroyed the Longbottoms. Strong enough that she never wavered in her faith or loyalty to the Dark Lord through more than thirteen years in Azkaban prison.
And yet, somehow, she can't work a simple summoning charm against a 15 year old boy. I think they'd better be training Aurors better or something, don't you? Of course, if the Longbottoms were half as incompetent as their son...
It's ridiculous. It's absurd. It's a vast, good-guy conspiracy.
And we're going to set it straight.
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TBC...