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ISSUE TWO

This weeks motto:

"Say it with a snitch!" – Quality Quidditch Supplies

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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Draco Malfoy

I would like to start this advert by stating that I have no objections whatsoever to ladies with faces which have previously been described as 'like a pug'.

Applicants will be interviewed by my father, as I am apparently not capable to do it

myself, in case I choose a certain mudblood...

Anyway, they must be pureblood and willing to support me in my quest to become the worlds best Death Eater, socialising with the other Death Eaters wives is a must.

No need to be able to cook/clean/speak, we have House Elves for that.

Must provide me with one son to carry on my Death Eating work. No need to get on with my mother, she doesn't speak. At all. In at least 5 years she's not said a word, so I'm not holding out much hope.

I will see you on our wedding day when my father has chosen the perfect bride.

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Peter Pettigrew

Any applicants must have a love of all rodents and not feel squeamish or nauseous when confronted with a rat, (or a man who looks like a rat).

They must also quickly learn not to be offended if I betray them, possibly to their deaths, or maybe life imprisonment. Its nothing personal, I do it to everyone.

Must also be an extremely powerful witch who can protect me from a certain ex-convict who wants to murder me for reasons unknown – but whatever he says, it is entirely untrue.

Must not have read anything in the newspapers apart from the Lonely Hearts pages for the last 16 years. Talking to no-one would also be good, and if you have been living in a sewer or a cave for the last 16 years:

Call me right now!

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Ginny Weasley

I realise I am younger than most of the people advertising in this section of the Daily Prophet, but I would like to take this moment to remind all readers that older women are not always a better catch. Many of them have deep emotional problems, and are only using you as a rebound after their own boyfriend was murdered!

Ahem, anyway...

I do not mind any facial disfigurements such as scars or glasses – in fact I find them quite a turn on...

I would like to reassure applicants that I never again intend to be possessed by a Dark Wizard, through a diary or any other object, and if it should happen again, I trust you will save me –blushes-.

I must finally tell all applicants that my six brothers are very protective of me and anyone who doesn't already have a long standing friendship with one or more of them – preferably Ron – need not apply.

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Minerva McGonagall

I would first like to say that age is no object, but 500 is perhaps pushing it.

I enjoy a nice long, snow white beard on a man, especially when accompanied by half-moon glasses.

Mmmmmmmm...

A particular specification would be that applicants have no allergies to cats.
It would be a bonus if applicants worked in Hogwarts School (this does NOT mean you Flitwick, if I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, I like a man with AUTHORITY!)

I do not mind if you have spent most of your life engaged in a bloody, violent war with an ex-student of Hogwarts School who has declared himself a Dark Lord. It'll be over in a couple more books – I mean - years!

Finally, I love a man with a twinkle in his eye, who when he's described sometimes, sounds like a horny old devil!

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Gilderoy Lockhart

I would firstly like to reassure people that just because I am advertising in this paper it does not mean I have a problem finding women. I am adored by millions!

(The problem is they're all married...)

I'm looking for someone who is prepared to accept that my fame and ravishing good looks mean that I will often be away from home fighting evil, writing books, and most importantly, doing book-signings.

Do not be offended if I forget your name and ask you what you are doing in my house, due to a memory charm spell that was cast upon me while I was locked in a one on one battle with the Basilisk of Hogwarts School, I tend to forget things sometimes.

I will have to stop writing now as I have just received word of some evil in Germany which I must hurry to fight, along with my sidekick Harry Potter - he helped a bit whilst I was fighting the ancient snake so I let him come along sometimes.

Another example of how kind I am to those below me, which are most people. Remember, kind readers, I am the best-looking person who will ever advertise in this paper.

Apply now!

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If you suggest other characters, we'd be happy to write an ad for them as well!

P, P, M