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Thankyou SO much for our TWENTY reviews! We're so flattered! Its really hard not to make a weepy Oscar-style speech when you have TWENTY reviews, so we're going to go now!
We
do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling
Please
read and review!!
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This weeks motto:
"Nitwit. Blubber. Oddment. Tweak." – If Albus Dumbledore said it ...
Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?
Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!
Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!
Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome
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REMUS
LUPIN
I have been very depressed and quiet recently, keeping myself to myself, so firstly, I would like someone to cheer me up and TALK to me.
I'm always being ignored these days.
A must have for any applicant is a large supply of chains and other restraining devices - nothing kinky, I assure you. I just have a smallish monthly problem I need your help with. (But if you're into that sort of thing, who am I to refuse a lady?)
I must also warn applicants that due to a recent piece of legislation drafted by 'dear' Professor Umbridge, it is virtually impossible for me to find employment, and I really need some new robes. I've been wearing the same, shabby ones for at least two years now and I don't appear to have any other clothes. So bribes for my body WILL be accepted.
I need an understanding person, to tell all my deepest darkest secrets to, and who won't leave me. I don't have 'flings', because as you know, wolves mate for life - ummm.... er..., I mean... Lupins! Lupins mate for life, and...err...when I said 'mate', I obviously meant...err...marriage!
Us Lupins hate divorces! Heh, heh.....heh...
Anyway...
I look forward to reading your applications...
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FRED
AND GEORGE WEASLEY
We are looking for a pair of - female - twins, preferably identical, although similar sisters will do.
They must have great senses of humour, and not mind if the joke is on them, as it often will be!
It would also be useful if they would be willing to put themselves forward for various experiments involving new products we want to sell in our shop - Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes.
All in the interest of saving galleons you understand.
(Life insurance may be something you want to consider before we meet)
We can offer the applicant financial security, due to our entrepreneurial status and lifelong jobs in one of our shops!
No former Prefects or Head Girls will be considered. We have reputations to keep up!
Finally,
even if you don't want to apply, make sure you check out our new
premises on Diagon Alley
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PROFESSOR
FLITWICK
I am a teacher at the most affluent magic school in Europe, Hogwarts, which obviously tells you I am very intelligent.
I teach Charms, and I know I'll be able to Charm you...
I don't mean I need to use magic to Charm women! Of course I don't! I could be the stupidest Muggle in the world and women would still be drawn to me.
Many people describe me as well built; I may not be as tall as other men, but I make up for my lack of height in other areas...
In a woman I am looking for a pretty girl, she doesn't need to be too intelligent; I have enough brains for the both of us.
I am a 'mature' man, but I do have a great deal of money, which I have been accumulating over the years, just in case that piece of information interests any tall, busty blondes...
I am looking for a marriage, as my good friend Albus Dumbledore keeps telling me I need to settle down. But I think he just wants me to stop proposing to Minerva between classes, he'd like a bit of that sex-bomb himself! The sly dog...
Apply now, if you're under 30! An exception would be if you're name was Minerva McGonagall.
Ggggrrrrrrrr!
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DUDLEY
DURSLEY
You will probably think its strange that as a Muggle, I am advertising in a Wizarding newspaper (don't tell my father); the simple reason is that I am looking for a very specific type of woman that I cannot seem to find in my own Muggle, world.
I will describe her here, and if it sounds like you, please, please let me know, I will love you forever, or at least until I get hungry...
She has smooth, brown skin, and when I kiss her, I can savour a gingery taste on my own lips.
She has the perfect body, wide and flat.
She only has one pair of clothes, a triangle skirt, which floats down over her chubby legs and a jacket, accessorised with different coloured Smarties (A/N Chocolate covered in candy).
Her eyes are deep, shiny sultanas and her nose and mouth are rich, coloured icing which cracks, satisfyingly when I bite her face.
When I run my fingers through her hair, it is dyed red and black; liquorice bootlaces, which tumble down over her broad shoulders.
When I hold her, she whispers to me:
'Eat me Dudley Dursley, eat me, you know you want to...'
Who could this perfect, ideal woman be, you ask?
A
gingerbread woman. Perfection in Confection.
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WINKY
Winky wants – hic - some more – hic - butterbeer!
It's all she wants in the whole – hic - world!
Dobby won't – hic - let poor Winky – hic - have any more – hic - he says Winky'll give herself – hic - permanent – hic - brain damage!
I'm a – hic - house elf! I don't have a – hic - brain!
Winky loves – hic - butterbeer!
Butterbeer!
Butterbeer!
Butterb-!
Editors Note: At this point Winky fell unconscious, so the interview was brought to a close.
I am unsure whether or not butterbeer is a living being – as Winky assures me it is – but I would like to request the owner of 'Butterbeer Ltd' to send us 600 bottles, as Miss Winky has now tied herself, naked, to the railings outside our office and refuses to leave without the stipulated amount of the beverage being left in unmarked bottles outside Gringotts. Now that we have to replace said railings, the Daily Prophet cannot afford to buy these drinks ourselves.
Please
have pity on a drunk, naked house elf.
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New
Chapter coming soon!
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I know this annoys people, but its thank you time!
Stars-n-moons91: Thanks for being our first EVER reviewer! We hope its funny enough for you now!
Caged Eternity: We're writing as quick as we can!
LadyKatyUltimateFan: We love Ron's too (bless his cotton socks) Harry's is sort of a, work in progress, he's a bit complicated. Who does he love?!?!
Charmergirl07: You're so nice! P.S We really love your story, The Maurauder Love Lives!
Princess-Perfect: We think there's only one person for Ron!
Desipoplover13: We read your personal profile and WE LOVE YOU!
Kay Spring: We've done as many as we could for the moment!
He who can't write: hope you liked Winkys! (It's my personal favourite – Kash)
Moon Archer: You obviously like Lupin, so we'd like to take this moment to say: We're sorry he's kinky!
Loki Mischief Maker: You are so nice too! We are TRYING to keep in character, but its SO difficult!
Liseli: Thankyou for the anon reviews suggestion and Trewlaneys is coming up in Chapter Five, not wanting to sound up ourselves – its really good!
Heartofthe-Dragonfly: Thank you! Myrtles is also coming up and a lot of it is about her toilet! Hee Hee!
Poohdog: Those three are tricky, but we'll try our best to have them in Chap 5 or 6! Patience!
Capt. Jack Sparrow Freak: Um...thanks...we think...
Iluvmycat132004: Thanks for your suggestions – haven't decided yet!
Dragon-Rose-Vine: Hope you liked Lupins, don't kill us!
Xayne: Gilderoy was writing for himself! He wants him to apply to his ad! But we love him!
Cecillia Orechio: Thank you so much! We'll try to do those characters pretty soon!
Hpbookluver: You are our 20th reviewer! WE LOVE YOU! We will WRITE MORE CHAPTERS!