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ISSUE FIVE

This weeks motto:

"Quidditch players rule!" – well, they do!

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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CRABBE AND GOYLE:

Editor: Crabbe and Goyle wanted to do this interview together, because they thought they'd have a better chance of stringing a sentence together.

Don't break the doors down ladies...

Crabbe: We...

Goyle: want...

Crabbe: a...

Goyle: Gir...Gir...

Editor: Girl-

Goyle: Gir – l?

Editor: No, listen, girl...fre...ind?

Crabbe: Gir...gir...

Goyle:gir...gir...l?

Editor: GIRLFRIEND!! Jesus Christ! No...stop...I didn't mean it, don't cry! There, there...there, there...are you ready to go on? Ok, try your best lads...

Goyle: Girfrien!

Editor: Well done Goyle! Here have a sweetie! Yes Crabbe you can have one too for going to the toilet by yourself...

Now, why do you want a girlfriend? Entice the reader's boys!

Crabbe: Be...be...

Editor: Because?

Crabbe: [grunt] (editor guesses that means yes)

Goyle: we

Crabbe: lon...lon...?

Goyle: lone...?

Editor: Lonely?

Well, -wipes away tear- I guess...I never realised how...difficult it was for you two to- GOYLE! Come back with those sweeties! Gilderoy Lockhart's coming in next!

–Editor chases Goyle out of interview room-

Crabbe: Crabbe...ha...ha...ha...Crabbe...ha...ha...ha...funny...Crabbe...ha...ha...ha...OW!

After Editor had received a black eye in his foolish attempt to take food from Goyle he returned to the interview room where Crabbe had stapled his tongue to the desk, therefore Editor is being forced to resign after being sued by Crabbes parents for leaving an idiot on his own around everyday objects.

Editor is glad, as he can't take talking to these lunatics anymore and is moving to Alaska.

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FLEUR DELACOUR:

I would like to use this column, not only for its ooriginal purposs, but also to

advertee for a teecher of Eenglish.

Zere is one teecher een particular zat I am eenterested een, and I weel take zis

opportunity to say zat I have no problems wiz abnormal appearances, and een fact take pleasure een such things as dragon fang eerings or horse tails of ze air to name a few.

I also weesh to say zat I would prefer eet eef applicants went for more zan just looks, as just because my granmuzzer was a Veela, it doesn't mean zat I 'ave inherited er trousers.

New Editor's Note: We have come to the conclusion that Miss Delacour meant "genes" as opposed to trousers.

I am not wanting reeplies from ze boy oo asked me for ze ball wen I was een 'Ogwarts, but I would eenjoy is bruzzers owlingee address. Neezer would I eenjoy Roger Davees reeplies, I want someone oo can spik ze English, as I keep saying to im!

Feenally, I lovee ze English name Bille...

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MOANING MYRTLE

I get this paper delivered regularly to my toilet stall, although you may be wondering how I can hold it, I don't, I take pictures of the Bloody Baron in the shower and give them to Peeves in exchange for him holding the paper so I can read it.

Anyway, when I saw that Peeves had advertised in here, I realised that applications of the dead variety were accepted.

So, I am looking for a ghost to share my toilet stall with me as I am fed up of the living people in this school being so insensitive and sometimes downright rude about my -ahem- condition.

Although, an exception to the dead rule would be dear Harry Potter

...mmmmmmmm....

By the way, I have recently heard that Sirius Black has joined the ranks of the dead, so if he is looking for somewhere to live, he is most welcome, I know I'm about 20 years older than him, but there is no substitute for experience and I still look as fresh as the day I died.

I do like toilets, I'm not afraid of admitting that, I spent most of my time when I was alive in here – mainly because of people teasing me about my acne, which was no fault of my own! But I got my own back on her! Heh...heh...heh... that vicar never knew what hit him!

Anyway, if you don't like toilets, and the discussion of flushing techniques, don't bother me!

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PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY

I am not here to do something so common as advertise like everybody else in this paper, as granddaughter of the celebrated seer Cassandra Trelawney I know exactly who I will end up with. I am simply writing in this newspaper to tell him what I have seen so he will finally realise his love for me.

New Editors Note: Miss Trelawney has brought a crystal ball with her and is now proceeding to 'see' in it...its gonna be a looooooong day...now I know why the other guy quit...

I see...I see a figure...yes...a figure...coming towards me through the mist of the crystal ball...he has a large bouquet of...flowers...he is coming from...from...could this be...he is coming from...the...the potions department? Yes...yes...he strides towards...me...from the dungeons...a bright light...shines over him...illuminating his huge...gigantic...nose...his dark hair...flips over his shoulders...it is slightly greasy...but I see...I see...he will give it a wash...he approaches me...closer...closer...closer...he has handed me the flowers...places a kiss on my cheek...I can wait my love...until the wedding night...the light...I can finally see him...Professor...I breathe deeply...as he sweeps me up into his rather weak arms...he carries me away...the vision has faded...but I know who it was...

Severus, faced with this irrefutable proof, now you must know that the prophecies I have been telling you of the past five years are true! This man here saw the vision through the crystal ball, he knows I am telling you the truth my love! Aren't I?

New Editor: I didn't actually see anythi- [Professor Trelawney puts editor in a headlock] aarrggghhh! Yes! Yes! I saw everything! Severus and Sybill forever!

[Trelawney lets him go and he drops to the floor rather blue in the face]

Owl me Sevvie, baby. Mwah!

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ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

I would firstly like to tell you all that I am a man with AUTHORITY, and warn a certain Professor at my school – Hogwarts – that I will AUTHORITISE him if he doesn't stop proposing to my darling deputy headmistress Minerva (ahh, it rolls off the tongue perfectly) McGonagall.

I need any applicants to understand that due to prior commitments I will not be around much, wars to fight, ministries to run away from, well, you understand.

But if you need to talk I am ALWAYS in my office, and if we knock anything off my desk it can be easily repaired and look exactly the same the next time you enter my office.

However, if you can't find me in there, I will probably be in the room of requirement...but you may want to knock first.

I also have a tendency to hold back pivotal information from people because I think it's the right thing to do, which usually results in the 'apparent' death of their godfathers, so, sorry in advance.

Finally, my ideal woman will understand this:

Nitwit. Blubber. Oddment. Tweak.

Minerva, my love, I will buy you a dictionary. Meow...

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Thank you time is here!!!

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Orange penguin: We thought our rating was ok and received no other complaints – as yet. But if you really want us to raise it, email us and we will put it up to a PG-13.

XoSilverAndCold: It's a long, long line! We are very glad someone else recognises Cho for the emotional wreck that she is!

KaySpring: It's so nice to know our works appreciated!

Amanduriel: Oliver Wood is definitely coming up, and we will tell you what happens on the dates/replies e.t.c – after we've finished the ads!

Amanda: You'd have to ask J.K.Rowling or see our answer to Waffle Avenger at the end of Chapter Four! Hee Hee!

Wwwendy: Hope you liked Crabbe and Goyle!

Angel19220042004: Its people like you –sob- that review so –sob- nicely that make us carry on –sob-!

Frodolives978: Neville's is done but we're putting it in Chapter Six because Moony tells me she can't be bothered to write it all out cos its too hot to sit at a computer for ages in Spain – which anyone who's been there will understand perfectly!

Mrs Ernie Macmillian: Your husbands ad will be coming up shortly – don't know whether that's a good or bad thing for you, but we just want to tell you, we didn't force him to do it!

Lady Zymergy: We sort of understand but give us Sirius Black and Remus Lupin any day! (James is Lily's!)

PoohDog: more ghosts WILL be placing ads in the near future!

Cecilia Orechio: Thank you so much! Lily and James ads were so fun to write! Its nice someone appreciated it!

Desipoplover: We will be reviewing your fiction right after this has been posted – been a bit busy lately! The chapters are short because we only do five ads a chapter – if we tried to do more per Chapter they may not be as good so you'll have to bear with us! And YES modern technology DOES have attitude problems, as this computer will tell you! –Or not because he's probably sulking!

Reina del noche: Sorry if we got you into trouble! Hee Hee!

Loki-Mischief Maker: We did do Ginny's didn't we? –Frantically rechecks Chapters posted! - Yep, we did! Chapter Two, in case you missed it! Again, I love that you love James! I don't know why some people don't like him on this site! He's so cool!

Liseli: WOW! We're a fave story! Hope you liked Trelawneys!

Little Tigger: Hopefully we will have fun in Spain! I'm going in three days! I get to see my mum again! – Padfoot

Droplets of hope: Don't worry; we'll have been in St Mungos with Cho for a while by the time they bring you in!

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Chapter Six will definitely be here by the 20th August – THAT'S ONLY 19 DAYS!

Keep reviewing! It inspires us to continue – and we really want to get 100 reviews – for reasons unbeknownst to us!

Sorry it's a day late, there was something wrong with the Document manager thing yesterday!

P,P,M