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We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling

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First of all, we would like to apologise that this has taken so very long to update, we have been very busy with getting A-Level results and going on bike rides that we just haven't got round to updating the next chapter (I haven't even unpacked my suitcase! – Prongs), but, now we are back and are ready to finish off most of the ads, after which we will begin to write replies to them.

We are also considering creating a homepage which will include this story – and hopefully will give the readers a way to reply as we don't think it is allowed on It will also include a load of other marauder stuff and our frankly scary opinions on Harry Potter (minus Peter of course) as soon as we can work out how to do it!

Anyway, enjoy this chapter, and as ever, review!

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ISSUE SIX

This weeks motto:

"Wizards should not practice inappropriate charms on goats" – Could someone please read this out to Aberforth.

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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RUBEUS HAGRID

I would firstly like to say that I do like a woman with a bit o' meat on 'er bones, somethin' to hold onto in the small 'ours if yeh know wha' I mean –wink, wink, nudge, nudge –

She mus' enjoy midnigh' walks in the Forbidden Fores' an love all manner of interestin' creatures – which some may describe as dangerous – but they've got it in for the poor littl' things, my Fluffy! And Norbert, I miss 'em so much, I'm just glad Beaky managed to pull 'imself free! The clever lad!

Anyway, I also love a woman wi' a French accent, an' no need to worry, I speak very good French, hem, hem:

'Bong-sewer Madame'

There, ole' Napoleon couldn' do it better!

I feel I mus' warn any applicants that my family can be –well- difficult, lets say, but he's learnin' so quickly now! Can even say my name, course it sounds a bit more like Haggis that Hagrid, but e's getting' there!

Anyway, bout me, I'm not what you migh' call a small man, nor an average man, I probably even go beyon' the description of tall, but, yeh won't ever be scared around me! Unless yeh're Fang o' course he's a big wimp teh be 'onest with ya!

Anway, as career prospects go, mine are a bit limited, bu' I'm appy' with wha' I'm doin' an' where I'm livin', I jus' wan' someone teh share it all wi'...y'know, an mayb some little ones someday...well, maybe little ones is pushin it, larger than usual ones perhaps...

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ERNIE MACMILLAN

I would like to make it patent from the outset that I am advertising in this paper, not to GAIN a love interest, but rather to DISCOURAGE one. For some reason I seem to have accumulated rather a lot of followers in the past few days (mainly first years, I have perceived), and they continue to pursue me and giggle and point –

New Editor's Note: I saw no need to point out to Mr Macmillan that when he walked into my office, there was a message magically inscribed on the back of his robes, stating that "I am a pompous windbag". (I must admit that it is quite an impressive charm as Mr Macmillan seems unable to see it.) Would whoever left this message please get in touch with the Daily Prophet a.s.a.p., as I believe our readers would take to him or her instantly.

- I just wanted to collectively inform them that I am very much wed to my institutional studies and career prospects and cannot envisage myself becoming emotionally involved with any persons at this precise moment in time.

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VERNON DURSLEY

Editors Note: We were not sure whether this gentleman wanted to place an ad in The Daily Prophet, but after watching his performance in the interview room, I am quite sure this man needs some love:

HOW DARE YOU PRINT THAT GHASTLY ADVERTISEMENT, WHICH YOU ALLEDGE WAS WRITTEN BY MY SON?

Editor: But it-

THERE IS NO WAY MY DUDLEY WROTE THAT, I WILL HAVE YOU SUED FOR SLANDER!

Editor: Muggles can't-

I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANTHING TO DO WITH YOUR LOT; I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR LOT, ITS BAD ENOUGH WE HAVE TO LOOK AFTER THAT...THAT...BOY!

IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGRACEFUL THE WAY YOU'RE KIND WILL PRINT ANYTHING IN THIS JOKE FOR A NEWSPAPER! – AND NOT EVEN CHECKING IT? MY DUDLEY WAS SERIOUSLY AFFECTED BY SOMETHING FROM YOUR TWISTED WORLD LAST SUMMER! SAID HE HEARD VOICES!

Editor: That was not the fault of The Daily-

TAKING THAT INTO ACCOUNT YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WE WOULD WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU - FREAKS!

Editor: Sir, I really think you should calm-

ITS DISGUSTING THAT YOU WOULD –BEWITCH- A PERFECTLY INNOCENT NORMAL BOY SO YOU COULD SELL THIS RUBBISH!

Editor: We did no such-

DID I TELL YOU I HAVE AN EXTREMELY GOOD LAWYER?

Editor: We do ... A what?

AND LET ME TELL YOU NOW, NO-ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WOULD ANSWER TO ANY OF THESE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU LET YOUR PEOPLE WRITE IN –

Editor: But your son knew exactly what -

SHUT UP! I TELL YOU, MY SON DID NOT WRITE THAT HE WOULDN'T BE SO –

Editor's Note: At this point, security witches had to be brought in and forcibly remove Mr Dursley from the room, although he could be heard screaming down the corridor:

NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I WILL COME WHEN I AM FINISHED! YOUR EDITOR ... Well, hello ... NO! I'M MARRIED, I'M BEING BEWITCHED! LET ME GO! I'LL HAVE YOU! I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU LOT! DO YOU THINK I CAN'T TAKE YOU? MY SONS A WRESTLING CHAMPION AND IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY!

OUCH!

PETUNIA!!!

Editors Note: In case any of you are concerned for Mr Dursley's well-being, he was taken to St Mungos as a precaution after his face grew purple we feared he would explode.

He didn't though –sigh-

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DELORES UMBRIDGE:

Editor's Note: We don't usually accept advertisements sent in by owl as it is extremely easy to forge them, but the entire office felt that it was highly unfair to the erm ... creatures of this world to deprive them of this particular partner ...

Hem hem ... Well, to start with, any prospective partner must realise from very early on that I intend hem hem my rules to be kept, although a flouncing of others' might be seen as acceptable ... hem hem.

Hem hem ... I must say that I enjoy smooth green skin - so much nicer to ... well, yes ... hem hem ... I wouldn't mind moving into any applicants - habitats ... hem hem ... under stones, very cooling ...hem hem ...

The next clue to my ideal partner ...hem hem... would be that I find large eyes attractive - although some might call them "bug-like" ...hem hem ... . Black happens to be my favourite colour for eyes, although I may accept brown.

Oh, and by the way ... hem hem ... strange though this feature might be to humans ...hem hem ... webbed feet are exceedingly - sexy ...hem hem... and you are more likely to be favoured by myself if you possess them.

Don't forget to visit us ... hem hem ... I mean me at our ... we mean, my ... no ... yes! Oh, sod it! Come and visit THE new premises in Diagon Alley!!

Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes – what lovely boys ...hem hem ...

Clip ... clop ... clip ... clop ... clip ... clop...

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GRAWP:

E-e-editors N-n-note: H-hello? ... AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Hagrid: Wheres' e' gone then Grawpy? No-no, put that desk down!

Ello' everyone! After the success of me own interview, I decided the try and find a lady friend for me little brother Grawp.

As the editor has run off and the Ministry wizards are closin' in, I'll ave to make this brief –

Hermione: I don't believe you talked me into this Hagrid!

Hagrid: Calm down Hermione! There, you keep 'im distracted whilst I give the ladies a bi o' information-

Hermione: KEEP HIM DISTRACTED??? HE'S HANGING ME OUT OF A THIRD-FLOOR WINDOW! GET A BLOODY MOVE ON!!!

Hagrid: Yes, er' anyway, as yeh can probably guess, Grawp is a bi' boisterous-

Hermione: BOISTEROUS! IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT?!

Hagrid: But 'e is a lovely young –ahem- man...

Any ladies applyin mus' be willin' to live in the Forbidden Fores' as that's where Grawp likes to-

GRAWPY NO!

Grawp: Hermy! Hermy! Hermy!

Hagrid: Its alrigh' Grawpy looks like she landed on something –huh?- what is a naked house-elf doin' down there?

Grawp: Hagger!

Hagrid: YOU ALRIGHT HERMIONE?

Hermione: &%!!!

Hagrid: What now Grawpy? Ahh, ok, gentlemen, we were just goin to er...

Ministry Official: Rubeus Hagrid, you do know giants are illegal in Great Britain? I'm afraid we'll have to- AAARRGGHHH!

Hagrid: Olympe! That were an amazing piece o' spell-work!

Madame Maxime: Merci, 'Agrid, but we 'ad better go at once!

Editors Note: From my vantage point in the cupboard I was able to see Madame Maxime give Hagrid and Grawp a fireman's lift out the window where she picked up the young girl accompanying them as well - who was trying to console the House elf, although seemed to be making it worse – and disappearing into a huge powder blue carriage, they escaped.

Editor faints.

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What d'you reckon lovely readers?