Part Twenty Eight
Karen spent a good deal of Saturday catching up on the work she'd left unfinished. She did this from home, as being alone in the office building wasn't something she was about to do any time soon. Around mid afternoon she received a call from Mike, asking her how she was and what she was doing this weekend. In an attempt to cut the conversation short, Karen rashly invited him round for dinner, immediately regretting her inability to keep her mouth shut. She didn't want to completely freeze Mike out, but right now his company was not on her desired menu.
Cursing herself all the way to the supermarket, she threw chicken and the other components of a stir fry in to a basket, plus a bottle of scotch as she was running low. When she walked down the wines isle, she figured that if she wasn't going to be good company for Mike, they may as well get drunk. Selecting a bottle of Chardonnay and one of Sauvignon Blanc, she moved to the check out. As she rifled through her handbag looking for the ever faithful credit card, she spied Nikki and Victoria in the queue a couple of tills along from her. She waved at Nikki and got a smile in return. She longed to be the type of woman who had a group of female friends, other women who she didn't always have to put on some kind of show for. Women like Nikki, Yvonne, or even Cassie. But what was she talking about, she did have Yvonne. Karen didn't know what she would have done without Yvonne in the last couple of days, she'd probably have gone stark staring mad. She was destined for an evening in with Mike, when what she really wanted to do was to get drunk with a few of the girls. She put the shopping in the car, and drove home with a heart sinking deeper and deeper in to depression.
When Mike arrived at about seven that evening, Karen opened the door with a feeling approaching trepidation. He automatically moved to put his arms round her and kiss her, but the frozen expression on her face stopped him in his tracks.
"How are you?" He asked, putting some wine down on the table.
"I'm surviving," Karen replied dryly, "What about you?"
"I've got work coming out of my ears and could really do with a new junior reporter."
"But I thought Victoria was doing very well," Said Karen, surprised at Mike's words.
"Another reporter, not a new reporter. We're getting more work than the two of them can handle these days. Violent crime seems to be on the increase." He stopped, realising what he'd just said. "I'm sorry," he said, "That was thoughtless."
"Why?" Asked Karen matter-of-factly, "It's true. More and more people seem to think they can get away with committing violent crime, and let's face it, with pathetic, weak-willed women like me unwilling to go to the police, it's only going to get worse." Bitter tears of anger, frustration and total disgust were shining in her eyes, but she strove not to let them fall. Mike thought she looked utterly defenseless, like an abandoned kitten left out in the rain to starve, and all he wanted to do was to hold her and take the pain away. But he knew it wasn't quite that simple. Cautiously approaching her, he was about to put his arms round her when she said,
"Don't. If I'm going to get through this, I need to be strong, and that means not giving in to everything I feel."
They tried to talk about other things whilst they cooked and ate a meal that Karen didn't really have any appetite for. But everything they discussed seemed to lead one way and another back to the office and the people who worked there.
"How's Nikki getting on without Tash?" Karen asked, desperately looking for a safe topic of conversation, other people's misfortunes being far easier to talk about than her own.
"Oh, she'll live. They've put the house on the market, but this time of year isn't really the house buying season. Tash is living with Kirstie and Nikki with Victoria. Apart from the first few days after they split up, things seem to be ticking along civilly enough."
"Kirstie's one of those people who's always seemed to keep herself to herself. I don't think anyone even knew that women were her thing until the break up with Nikki and Tash."
"Yes, funny the things people hide, especially in an office full of what must be the nosiest people in the world." Karen returned to the subject never far from the surface for either of them.
"that's why I can't go to the police about Fenner," Karen said quietly. Mike put down his fork and stared at her.
"I think you might give the people you work with a little more credit."
"Oh, do you?" Said Karen scornfully. "Come on, Mike, you're a journalist, I'm a journalist. We both know the score. With both the perpetrator and the, victim," She poured all her anger at the situation in to this word, "in the same office, my other two news reporters and both your crime reporters would have a field day, and no doubt the financial and health reporters would do their damnedest to find an angle on the situation so that they could also get in on the act. I am not having my private life used as industry fodder for all and sundry."
"Karen, it wouldn't be like that," He cajoled. "If you went public, everyone would support you, you know that. Does Anton know?"
"Yes, Yvonne told him. She couldn't come up with a satisfactory excuse as to my absence."
"If you went to the police, Fenner would be out on his ear. Anton wouldn't have any choice."
"Yes, I know, and I've thought about that, believe me. But at this stage, it would be my word against his, and I am not becoming the soap opera entertainment for every Post reader in the immediate vicinity. So, I'm afraid that all your persuasory tactics aren't going to work."
"Well, that's obviously your decision," He said, getting up from the table and preparing to do the washing up, "but I can't pretend that I think you're doing the right thing."
"Oh, I know, I didn't think you would," She replied nonchalantly, as if they were an old married couple disagreeing over the colour of the new bedroom curtains. "But, as you said, it's my decision, and it isn't one I'll be altering in any way."
"Are you really sure you've thought about this rationally?" He asked, in a last ditch attempt to persuade her to change her mind.
"No, I probably haven't thought about it rationally," She said, laying particular emphasis on her last word. "But I doubt I'll be in danger of being even vaguely rational about what Fenner did to me for a very long time." Mike had recoiled at the mention of Fenner's name and Karen hadn't missed this. "Do you know something," She said, the sarcasm dripping from every syllable, "I don't know if it's the fact I was raped or the fact that it was Fenner that you're really furious about."
"Hey, that isn't fair," He said, trying to stay calm but failing miserably. "I hate the thought of you going through something like that."
"Why?" She asked, knowing she wasn't being fair to him, but also knowing that she had to take it out on someone.
"What do you mean why?" He answered, looking thoroughly mystified.
"Why does what he did to me make you so angry?"
"Because I couldn't stop him doing it, because I wasn't there and couldn't protect you, and because I love you," He finished quietly. She stared at him, utterly gob smacked because this wasn't something either of them had said before tonight.
"You've never said that before," She said, all the fight having gone out of her.
"I know," He replied, drying his hands on the tea towel she'd been using. "But maybe I should have done. Maybe if I had, you might have felt more able to tell me."
"I couldn't," She said, sounding utterly defeated. "Being forced in to having sex with Jim Fenner isn't something I'm especially proud of. I suppose part of me feels that I should have been able to stop him. I keep wondering what I should have done, what I could have done to prevent it."
"Karen, what happened with Fenner isn't your fault," He said gently. "You've got to start believing that."
"Mike, would you mind leaving me to it for this evening?" She asked after a moment's pause. "I really don't think I can deal with company right now." Thinking that this wasn't an entirely good idea, he nevertheless agreed.
"Of course, if that's what you want."
"I'm sorry," She said, "I shouldn't take this out on you. I just don't really know where I am at the moment."
"Don't worry, this skin's thicker than it looks," He replied, with a lopsided smile, trying to put her at her ease. But when she let him out of her front door a while later, she knew that her affirmation of not wanting company wasn't quite true. She wanted company, just not his or any other bloke's company. She wanted the kind of female friend company, someone who she could be totally at ease with, someone who didn't need anything from her. After finishing the clearing up, she phoned Yvonne.
Karen spent a good deal of Saturday catching up on the work she'd left unfinished. She did this from home, as being alone in the office building wasn't something she was about to do any time soon. Around mid afternoon she received a call from Mike, asking her how she was and what she was doing this weekend. In an attempt to cut the conversation short, Karen rashly invited him round for dinner, immediately regretting her inability to keep her mouth shut. She didn't want to completely freeze Mike out, but right now his company was not on her desired menu.
Cursing herself all the way to the supermarket, she threw chicken and the other components of a stir fry in to a basket, plus a bottle of scotch as she was running low. When she walked down the wines isle, she figured that if she wasn't going to be good company for Mike, they may as well get drunk. Selecting a bottle of Chardonnay and one of Sauvignon Blanc, she moved to the check out. As she rifled through her handbag looking for the ever faithful credit card, she spied Nikki and Victoria in the queue a couple of tills along from her. She waved at Nikki and got a smile in return. She longed to be the type of woman who had a group of female friends, other women who she didn't always have to put on some kind of show for. Women like Nikki, Yvonne, or even Cassie. But what was she talking about, she did have Yvonne. Karen didn't know what she would have done without Yvonne in the last couple of days, she'd probably have gone stark staring mad. She was destined for an evening in with Mike, when what she really wanted to do was to get drunk with a few of the girls. She put the shopping in the car, and drove home with a heart sinking deeper and deeper in to depression.
When Mike arrived at about seven that evening, Karen opened the door with a feeling approaching trepidation. He automatically moved to put his arms round her and kiss her, but the frozen expression on her face stopped him in his tracks.
"How are you?" He asked, putting some wine down on the table.
"I'm surviving," Karen replied dryly, "What about you?"
"I've got work coming out of my ears and could really do with a new junior reporter."
"But I thought Victoria was doing very well," Said Karen, surprised at Mike's words.
"Another reporter, not a new reporter. We're getting more work than the two of them can handle these days. Violent crime seems to be on the increase." He stopped, realising what he'd just said. "I'm sorry," he said, "That was thoughtless."
"Why?" Asked Karen matter-of-factly, "It's true. More and more people seem to think they can get away with committing violent crime, and let's face it, with pathetic, weak-willed women like me unwilling to go to the police, it's only going to get worse." Bitter tears of anger, frustration and total disgust were shining in her eyes, but she strove not to let them fall. Mike thought she looked utterly defenseless, like an abandoned kitten left out in the rain to starve, and all he wanted to do was to hold her and take the pain away. But he knew it wasn't quite that simple. Cautiously approaching her, he was about to put his arms round her when she said,
"Don't. If I'm going to get through this, I need to be strong, and that means not giving in to everything I feel."
They tried to talk about other things whilst they cooked and ate a meal that Karen didn't really have any appetite for. But everything they discussed seemed to lead one way and another back to the office and the people who worked there.
"How's Nikki getting on without Tash?" Karen asked, desperately looking for a safe topic of conversation, other people's misfortunes being far easier to talk about than her own.
"Oh, she'll live. They've put the house on the market, but this time of year isn't really the house buying season. Tash is living with Kirstie and Nikki with Victoria. Apart from the first few days after they split up, things seem to be ticking along civilly enough."
"Kirstie's one of those people who's always seemed to keep herself to herself. I don't think anyone even knew that women were her thing until the break up with Nikki and Tash."
"Yes, funny the things people hide, especially in an office full of what must be the nosiest people in the world." Karen returned to the subject never far from the surface for either of them.
"that's why I can't go to the police about Fenner," Karen said quietly. Mike put down his fork and stared at her.
"I think you might give the people you work with a little more credit."
"Oh, do you?" Said Karen scornfully. "Come on, Mike, you're a journalist, I'm a journalist. We both know the score. With both the perpetrator and the, victim," She poured all her anger at the situation in to this word, "in the same office, my other two news reporters and both your crime reporters would have a field day, and no doubt the financial and health reporters would do their damnedest to find an angle on the situation so that they could also get in on the act. I am not having my private life used as industry fodder for all and sundry."
"Karen, it wouldn't be like that," He cajoled. "If you went public, everyone would support you, you know that. Does Anton know?"
"Yes, Yvonne told him. She couldn't come up with a satisfactory excuse as to my absence."
"If you went to the police, Fenner would be out on his ear. Anton wouldn't have any choice."
"Yes, I know, and I've thought about that, believe me. But at this stage, it would be my word against his, and I am not becoming the soap opera entertainment for every Post reader in the immediate vicinity. So, I'm afraid that all your persuasory tactics aren't going to work."
"Well, that's obviously your decision," He said, getting up from the table and preparing to do the washing up, "but I can't pretend that I think you're doing the right thing."
"Oh, I know, I didn't think you would," She replied nonchalantly, as if they were an old married couple disagreeing over the colour of the new bedroom curtains. "But, as you said, it's my decision, and it isn't one I'll be altering in any way."
"Are you really sure you've thought about this rationally?" He asked, in a last ditch attempt to persuade her to change her mind.
"No, I probably haven't thought about it rationally," She said, laying particular emphasis on her last word. "But I doubt I'll be in danger of being even vaguely rational about what Fenner did to me for a very long time." Mike had recoiled at the mention of Fenner's name and Karen hadn't missed this. "Do you know something," She said, the sarcasm dripping from every syllable, "I don't know if it's the fact I was raped or the fact that it was Fenner that you're really furious about."
"Hey, that isn't fair," He said, trying to stay calm but failing miserably. "I hate the thought of you going through something like that."
"Why?" She asked, knowing she wasn't being fair to him, but also knowing that she had to take it out on someone.
"What do you mean why?" He answered, looking thoroughly mystified.
"Why does what he did to me make you so angry?"
"Because I couldn't stop him doing it, because I wasn't there and couldn't protect you, and because I love you," He finished quietly. She stared at him, utterly gob smacked because this wasn't something either of them had said before tonight.
"You've never said that before," She said, all the fight having gone out of her.
"I know," He replied, drying his hands on the tea towel she'd been using. "But maybe I should have done. Maybe if I had, you might have felt more able to tell me."
"I couldn't," She said, sounding utterly defeated. "Being forced in to having sex with Jim Fenner isn't something I'm especially proud of. I suppose part of me feels that I should have been able to stop him. I keep wondering what I should have done, what I could have done to prevent it."
"Karen, what happened with Fenner isn't your fault," He said gently. "You've got to start believing that."
"Mike, would you mind leaving me to it for this evening?" She asked after a moment's pause. "I really don't think I can deal with company right now." Thinking that this wasn't an entirely good idea, he nevertheless agreed.
"Of course, if that's what you want."
"I'm sorry," She said, "I shouldn't take this out on you. I just don't really know where I am at the moment."
"Don't worry, this skin's thicker than it looks," He replied, with a lopsided smile, trying to put her at her ease. But when she let him out of her front door a while later, she knew that her affirmation of not wanting company wasn't quite true. She wanted company, just not his or any other bloke's company. She wanted the kind of female friend company, someone who she could be totally at ease with, someone who didn't need anything from her. After finishing the clearing up, she phoned Yvonne.