Disclaimer, Warnings, Etc. - Please see the first chapter for those.

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-The Haunted-
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Chapter 9 - Pain

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The next morning was dull and rainy, everything seeming to be the same drab shade of grey. The weather exactly matched the way Remus felt as he sat gloomily on the sofa, his undrunk mug of tea clenched between his hands. The melancholy weather was only making him feel worse, however. He hadn't gotten any sleep at all last night, but had spent the night in the armchair, trying his best not to think of anything in particular but unable to keep from remembering the events of the past weeks. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't look up as Sirius entered the room, until he felt a hand on his forehead.

Remmie? Are you okay? D'you feel ill? Sirius asked softly. You look a little peaky. Maybe you should go back to bed...

Remus only nodded, letting Sirius take the cup of tea away. He shied away when Sirius reached for his hand to help him up. Ignoring the hurt that appeared in his lover's eyes, he trudged slowly back up to their bedroom. He didn't want to sleep, but if Sirius was going to hand him an excuse to be alone, he wasn't going to refuse. He wanted to be alone. He didn't think he could take much more of Sirius' concern and pity. He knew his husband was trying hard to make him feel better, but found he didn't care. A part of him was shocked at this revelation, but he didn't care about that, either. All Remus wanted was to be left alone forever, with no one to talk to him or touch him. He never wanted to be touched again. He curled up in the middle of the bed, pulling the blankets up to his nose.

Every moment since he awoke in the hospital had been agony. Somehow, he hurt even worse now than he ever had with Nigel. The one thought that kept returning to him was that he could never let anyone touch him ever again. If they touched him, they would hurt him. He had learned that much from being inside that monster's house. He did know Sirius would never hurt him, but he didn't want his husband to touch him either. He wasn't the same Remus Sirius loved. He had been degraded, dirtied, damaged. How could Sirius possibly love him after this? Even if he hadn't been infected with some nasty, hidden disease, Remus was sure his husband must be sickened with the idea that he had to spend the rest of his life sleeping beside the man who had betrayed him. He almost wished he did have a disease, one that would kill him quickly and put him out of his misery.

The bedroom door creaked open, and Remus shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep. Sirius' voice called softly. Remus didn't move, just kept his eyes firmly shut and continued to breathe slowly and deeply. It seemed to him as if Sirius stood in that doorway forever, staring at him, and Remus felt an almost unbearable urge to scream. Just as he was on the verge of jumping out of bed and running into Sirius' arms, the door clicked shut and his lover's footsteps faded away. Remus opened his eyes and drew a deep, shuddery breath. He berated himself silently for his moment of weakness. It would be better for them both this way.

But somehow, a part of him (the same part that was shocked at his lack of gratitude towards Sirius) knew it was all a big lie. He needed Sirius, needed to be touched and held and kissed. He needed the love his husband could give him, needed the help Sirius could offer him to begin to get over his rape. He shut his eyes again, trying to ignore the tears that streamed down his cheeks. Why was he just lying here, acting like a sulky child? He let out a small whimper, almost hoping Sirius would hear and come upstairs to comfort him. But he knew it was impossible for Sirius to hear him all the way from the kitchen. Though he longed for comfort, something still held him back, kept him from crying out Sirius' name and running into his arms. Finally, he fell asleep for real, his pillowcase damp with tears.

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Remus woke up abruptly when Sirius got into bed. He realised he had slept through the whole day, a quick glance at the alarm clock telling him that it was now eleven PM. He blinked rapidly and shifted slightly.

Sorry - did I wake you? Sirius' voice was instantly concerned. His hand rested on Remus' forehead briefly. You're not hot. He brushed his lover's bangs away from his forehead, and Remus' heart ached with pain and loneliness. He longed to be in Sirius' arms again, but he also didn't want Sirius to touch him. He reached up and pushed Sirius' hand away.

Sirius drew back, injured. He couldn't understand what was wrong. After everything they had been through, all he wanted was to hold Remus and never let him go. He had thought his husband had wanted the same thing; but he had avoided Sirius' touch ever since returning from the hospital. It was a thousand times worse than anything Nigel could have done to them. Having Remus pull away from him was the most painful thing he'd experienced yet. Remmie - what's wrong? Why won't you let me touch you?

Remus didn't answer. He rolled over, keeping his back to his lover in attempt to discourage conversation, but Sirius Black was not a quitter.

You've been avoiding me since you got home. You haven't said a word, and you're not eating. I'm worried about you. You're much too thin, and... I miss hugging you. I miss touching you. I know you didn't stay in bed with me last night. What is it, love? Why are you doing this? Why won't you tell me what's wrong?

Remus fought back tears as Sirius talked, but it was no use. He knew Sirius truly cared. But he couldn't... he couldn't...

You can't! he cried, cutting Sirius off. You can't touch me! I was with another man! I as good as cheated on you, even though I was forced! He raped me, he hurt me - he's ruined me and infected me, I can't let you touch me and contaminate yourself! You have every right to hate me! He may have forced me, but I didn't do much to stop him, now did I? Tears poured down his cheeks. I don't want to be touched! By you, by anyone! I... I don't deserve it. I don't deserve being loved by you after... after what I did.

There was a long silence, during which Remus cried helplessly into his cupped hands. As his tears subsided, his hands were pulled away and Sirius caught his chin roughly between his thumb and forefinger, forcing Remus to look at him. Startled, Remus saw that Sirius had tears in his eyes as well.

Listen to me, Remus. Listen good. This is not - your - fault. No matter what happened to you, none of it was your fault. Peasegood was a sick, twisted bloke. You did your best to stop him, but what could you do? You were tied up and drugged. He beat you to get you to do what he wanted. You couldn't have stopped him, my love. You have to realise that you're not to blame here. Do you hear me?

Remus looked into Sirius' dark eyes.

Don't you ever tell me you don't deserve to be loved. You do, Remmie. Remember when I thought the same thing, and you set me straight? Maybe I am a murderer, but I still deserve love. And maybe you were hurt by a horrible man, but you deserve love, too. And there's nothing you can say or do that would make me turn my back on you after so long. I love you. I'll always love you. And I want to help you, Remmie. I want to help you get through this. I want to see you smile again. I want to hear you laugh. I want to see you happy. But how can I do that if you're not going to let me?

Siri - Remus swallowed hard, then leaned against Sirius and put his arms around his lover. Sirius hugged him back tightly, as his lover whimpered slightly. It felt so good to be in Sirius' arms. Who had he been kidding? Sirius wouldn't hurt him. Sirius loved him more than anything. And he was right. It was silly to think that way. He allowed himself to be pulled back onto the bed, snuggling against Sirius as his husband pulled up the blankets and wrapped his arms around him. I love you.

I love you, too. So much, Sirius murmured.

I'm sorry. I've been so... so stupid, Remus whispered.

No. Not at all. Sirius kissed his forehead. I can't blame you for being scared, or for feeling it was your fault. Anyone would have felt that way under the same circumstances, even me. At first, I did think you'd run off with another man, but it didn't take me long to realise that you'd never do something like that. I know you'd never leave me for anyone. It wasn't like cheating on me at all. Cheating is done willingly. He forced you into it. Please, love, stop blaming yourself! You couldn't have helped it! How were you to know that you'd meet up with some lunatic on your Sunday walk? How were you to know he'd take you home and drug you to keep you under his command? You couldn't. It was just a series of unfortunate events - it's time to stop blaming yourself. You have to see, Remmie. This was all the fault of a maniac who was hell bent on revenge.

I know. Remus pressed his face against Sirius' chest, his tears wetting the front of the old t-shirt his lover wore. I know. I'll... I'll try. I have to try. I need to get better. I - I - he swallowed hard, then looked up at Sirius. I want to see you happy again, too. I know you can't be happy unless I am too. I want to be able to go outside without having to be afraid of everyone, and I want to stop shrinking from anyone who gives me a hello'. I want to be able to see James and Lily and Harry again... I want to go back to my students. He sniffled. But I... can't do it just yet... I need... I need help, Siri. Perhaps even professional help. I don't know what to do now. I need someone to help me.

I'll help you, Sirius murmured. I'll help you. I'll be more than happy to bring you to a doctor, but first you have to get over your fear of ordinary people. It won't help if you can't talk to strangers, you know.

Thank you, Remus whispered. Sirius kissed him gently, his hand reaching for the lamp. Remus' stomach fluttered with panic, and Sirius saw the look in his eyes. He turned the lamp down to the lowest setting instead of shutting it off, then settled back down.

Goodnight, Remmie.

Goodnight, Siri. Remus lay still in his husband's arms, watching him as he fell asleep. He thought he would be up all night, but the emotional strain he had just gone through had tired him out. He shut his eyes, trembling, waiting for the nightmares to begin. But somehow, miraculously, he fell asleep almost instantly. And tonight, when he lay in Sirius' arms, knowing he was innocent and that his husband's love had not waned, there were no nightmares. Not one.

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The next day was just as cloudy and grey as the previous one. Both Remus and Sirius slept later than usual, but rose feeling more refreshed than they had in quite awhile. As Remus sat at the table, slowly eating his sausage and kippers, the doorbell rang. Sirius hurried to answer it, and when he returned, Lily was at his side, looking very pretty in a pink dress and matching hat. She looked worried to death; when she saw Remus, her eyes filled with tears and she started forward to hug him, but apparently changed her mind halfway there. She bit her lip, looking uncertain, her emerald eyes flickering to Sirius, who nodded for her to sit down as he poured her a cup of coffee.

Good morning, Remus, Lily said quietly, sinking into her chair. Are - how are you doing?

She looked so genuinely concerned, Remus couldn't bear to lie to her. Awful, but better than I was yesterday, he said softly.

Seemingly without knowing what she was doing, Lily reached for his hand; Remus flinched, and she quickly pulled away. Instead, she cupped her hands around the steaming mug of coffee Sirius had just set in front of her. There was silence for a few minutes, before Lily spoke again.

We're so worried, Remus. I didn't think you'd want too many of us here, so I begged James to stay with Harry while I came to visit - but we're all going spare, Grace is nearly frantic with worry - and your mother... Her eyes were pleading. You have to get better soon, Remus. We miss you. We want you to get better. I don't like seeing you so upset. She sipped glumly at her coffee. I hate him. she said flatly. The man who did this to you. I hope he burns in hell. I hope someone down there beats him and rapes him and does everything to him that he did to you. So he'd know exactly how it feels.

Remus turned white at those words, memories crowding in on him like images on a nightmarish roll of film, and pushed away his mostly-uneaten breakfast. Lily noticed at once, and looked instantly mortified. Oh - Remus, I've upset you - oh, I'm so sorry -

It's okay, Lily, Remus said; but it was far from okay. He could feel a headache coming on, and for the millionth time in a week he was on the verge of tears. It's... I'm going to go lie down... thank you for visiting, Lily....

Lily looked crushed as Remus departed; as soon as the bedroom door shut upstairs she turned to Sirius. I upset him, she said. When I said I hoped that man goes through the same thing in hell. Tears spilled down her cheeks; she rummaged around in her purse for a hanky, dabbing at the mascara dribbling down her face. I can't believe I was that stupid! she cried. I'm so stupid! Why couldn't I have kept my big mouth shut?

Shh, it's okay, Lily, Sirius said, putting a comforting arm around her. It's okay, it'll be fine - I'll talk to him. He knows you didn't mean to say it like that, or so suddenly. He's just... he's been through a lot. He's going to be upset by this for a very long time, you see? But trust me. He'll never hate you for saying anything. Don't feel bad. We need your help. James' and Grace's too. Everybody's. But it's too early to make him relive what he went through.

You're right, Lily whispered. I shouldn't have said anything until he was ready to talk about it himself...

It takes awhile, Sirius said. I was the same way when I was younger. I never wanted to tell anyone what my father did to me and Mum and Regulus. But once I opened up to Remus, he made me see that no one can go through something like that alone. Talking about it helps. But the person who needs to talk first has to see that, and understand that talking can help the healing process. He pulled a hanky from his own pocket and gently wiped away Lily's smudged makeup. Now, come on. Smile for me. Remmie and I need all the cheering up we can get.

She sniffled, but managed a watery smile. Sirius smiled back and kissed her forehead. Much better. He escorted her to the door, Lily straightening her hat and dabbing anxiously at her puffy eyes. Remember what I said, okay? he asked her, as she got into her car.

I will. And Sirius... tell - tell Remus I'm sorry.

Of course.

She started the engine.



She looked up at him. Sirius smiled once more. Thank you. It's always good to know we've got friends when we need them the most.

Her smile was warmer this time. You're welcome. Goodbye, Sirius.

Goodbye, Lily. He watched as her little Volkswagen beetle pulled away from the curb, then headed back inside. Ignoring the clutter of breakfast dishes still on the table, he headed upstairs to talk to Remus.

His mate was sitting on the bed, hugging a pillow to his chest. His eyes were red as he looked up at Sirius. I'm sorry, love.

For what? Sirius closed the door behind him and sat down beside Remus.

I was rude to Lily, Remus sighed. She was only trying to make me feel better, I know that. But... the things she said... just made me remember what Nigel did to me. I... I just want to forget, Siri... but it was no excuse to be rude. I love Lily very much, and I feel awful...

Sirius put an arm around him. Not at all, Remmie. Lil thought she was rude to you. She said she was sorry. I told her it was okay. Don't feel bad. Neither of you were at fault. It was just a slip of the tongue at the wrong time. He kissed Remus' neck. Come on. Smile for me. Just once?

Remus sighed and leaned into Sirius' embrace, taking a few deep breaths before managing a small smile for his husband.

Much better. Sirius pulled him close and kissed him softly. Remus had almost forgotten what it had felt like to be held so tenderly and treated so gently. He put his arms around Sirius' neck and kissed back, running his fingers through Sirius' long, silky hair.

Sirius' fingers paused at the buttons of Remus' shirt. Is it okay?

It was. It was nothing like being with Nigel. Sirius took his time, anxiously telling Remus to let him know the instant he became scared or uncomfortable. It was enough to bring tears to his eyes the way Sirius went so slowly, so carefully. He had dreaded sex ever since waking up in the hospital, fearing that it would be like reliving the rapes. But it was entirely different, and Remus had faint hope that everything would be all right. He returned Sirius' kisses eagerly, almost hungrily. He had missed making love with Sirius, even more so after being raped, after seeing how brutal sex could be and realising how gentle Sirius had always been with him.

But it hurt when Sirius tried to enter him - sharp pain even worse than his very first time, and he cried out. Sirius froze, instantly worried.



I'm - I'm sorry, Siri, Remus managed. It... it hurts too much...

Sirius stopped right away, sitting back on his heels and looking doubly concerned. The mood was ruined, but neither man cared. Faint anger lines crossed Sirius' forehead. It's because of him, isn't it? he said softly. Oh, Remmie... His fingers caressed his husband's cheek. I hate him, he said. He's hurt you so badly. He laid down beside Remus once more, snuggling close and wrapping a blanket around their bodies. Bloody bastard. I don't care what happened in his past, I swear I'll hate him forever.

It's... it's not bad, Remus tried to reassure him. I'll be okay, I think I just need a while to get better. I-

Dammit, Remmie, it's not the sex, Sirius said impatiently. If I couldn't have sex with you again, I wouldn't care. I'm just happy to have you back, alive. Sex doesn't matter. It's just - just the idea - of what he'd have to do to- to make it hurt that badly - for this long - he sighed. I suppose it's no use getting mad. Let's just... let's just take a nap, okay?

Remus was warm and comfortable in Sirius' arms and had no wish to leave; he closed his eyes and was asleep in seconds. His husband, however, was busy thinking.

I think it's time I paid someone a visit, he said softly.

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Lily came to visit the next morning, bringing along baby Harry. The baby seemed to lift Remus' spirits immensely; it was hard to remain gloomy when Harry kept insisting that Remus and his mother colour with him, or help him line up his extensive collection of toy cars.

Uncle Siri, come play too! Harry called from the floor, where he sat amidst a sea of blocks that Remus kept especially for whenever the child came to visit.

Maybe later, Harry, Sirius smiled. I've got to run an errand. He looked at Remus. Is that okay?

Remus nodded. O-of course. He didn't really want Sirius to leave, but he also didn't want Lily to get upset or worried over him.

Sirius understood. I won't be long, he promised, kissing Remus on the forehead and shrugging into his old leather jacket. Love you.

Love you too. Remus watched his husband headed down the path and climbed into the car; he backed out of the drive and was gone. Remus remained at the window for a few minutes, biting his lip and trying to ignore the faint flutters of panic in his belly. He would be fine. Lily and Harry were here. Sirius would be right back. There was nothing to be afraid of.

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Sirius lit a cigarette, heading down the narrow gravel path, his eyes flickering from side to side as he looked for what he had come for. He finally found it, tucked away in a reclusive corner. Nigel's grave, the tombstone brand-new and gleaming, the dirt on top still fresh and crumbly. For a very long time, Sirius stood there, chain-smoking and staring at the grave. Then, he sighed and sank to the ground, sitting cross-legged at the foot of the grave.

he said softly. I don't care what happened to you. You had the chance to get away from him and make it right. You could have cut ties with him and begun to heal from what he did to you. But instead, you chose to brood on revenge, and take it out on an innocent person. No, you're more than just a bastard. You're a coward, as well. Only a coward would take the easy way out. Instead of paying for harming Remus and learning to live with yourself, you killed yourself. It was a cowardly thing to do. He lit another cigarette, grinding the old fag out on the ground. Some people would say I goaded you into doing it. But believe me, the last thing I wanted was your blood on my hands. You chose to pull that trigger. You could have just as easily dropped the gun, or shot me instead. You could have killed me and gotten your revenge, even if you did go to jail for it. But you didn't. I wish I knew why.

There was no answer but the sound of the wind in the trees and the far-off sound of a mourning dove; but Sirius hadn't really expected one. Thanks to you, Remus might never be the same. No, correction. He never will be the same. You've hurt him so badly. Even after he heals up physically, there'll be the mental scars to deal with. And those don't fade so easily. But I guess you already knew that, right?

Still no answer. Sirius wished something would happen. A sign, an omen, something to tell him he was right all along. An answer from somebody.

He heard footsteps crunching on the path behind him, and he stood up quickly. It was a man and woman, both wearing black. The woman had brilliant green eyes and short brown hair that was going grey. With a jolt, Sirius realised exactly who they were.

Mr. Peasegood said. You're visiting my son?

Sirius put out his cigarette, bending hastily to pick up the butt.

The woman smiled, but her eyes were filled with tears behind the black veil she wore. Are you one of Nigel's friends?

Sirius couldn't bear to tell the poor woman the truth. He wondered if the Peasegoods knew anything about their son's death. I knew him, yes. It wasn't exactly the same thing, but the Peasegoods didn't seem to notice. They moved a little closer to the grave, Mr. Peasegood's arm wrapped tightly around his wife's shoulders. She gave a hearty sniff, raising her veil a tad to dab at her eyes with a black hanky. Sirius averted his eyes respectfully, and turned to go.

He didn't know what he had been expecting, visiting Nigel's grave like that. Somehow, it was even harder to hate Nigel now that he knew the man had parents who loved him and cared for him. Sirius sighed as he climbed into the car. He put the key in the ignition, but didn't start it. He had been hoping, actually, to get a little angry - scream at Nigel, curse him, tell him how much he hated him - but it was somehow hard to do. No matter how awful the man had been, he still had family who cared for him. He had done terrible things to Remus, and yet Sirius couldn't hate him outright. Why?

Goddammit, why? Sirius cried, hitting the steering wheel before lowering his head onto his arms and breaking into tears.

To Be Continued...

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(A/N: I know I could have ended this story happily with the death of Nigel, but I didn't. I decided it was important to show Remus recovering from being raped, and how his friends and family try to help him. I'm no expert in the area, but I'm going to give it my best shot. In my opinion, you can't just have someone raped and end the story there. The healing process is important. There's no way Remus could have just waltzed in to school the day after getting out of the hospital and start teaching right away! And it looks like Sirius might have some issues to deal with, as well. So, please stick around a little longer, even if I start getting boring.

Also, someone mentioned a plot hole. I said in the last chapter that Remus had been found clean of all sexually transmitted diseases, but this person pointed out that AIDS takes a long, long time to show up. My only defense is that I am forgetful and scatterbrained. I meant to say something along the lines of Remus was found free of most of the immediate diseases', but forgot. So, sorry. Blame my scrambled brains.)