How Potter stopped her Plan
To the tune of "How I saved Roosevelt" from Assassins.
UMBRIDGE is sitting at a Wizengamot hearing with MRS. FIGG, the WEASLEY twins and several other important anti-Umbridge figures standing around her chair. The Judge points at MRS. FIGG first, to indicate that she should give her testimony.
MRS. FIGG
I'm
sitting outside and I hear this crack
It all goes black
My cat came back
He
mewed at me
I said "what's happened here, paws?"
"Oh dear, Paws!"
I ask "what's up my
sweet?"
He ran off, his feet fleet.
I saw some
dementors
Right there on the street!
But young Potter's
patronus gave them their defeat.
Which is how Potter stopped her plan!
WEASLEYS
Then...
When Hogwarts was hers,
we hated this snot
She never taught
We just read rot.
She
said "Potter's lying"
He said "you crackpot,
I can
prove it!"
Which is how Potter stopped her—
I've said I hope Potter drives home in a hearse
But any fool could see
that Umbridge was worse
So I helped them treat her in ways quite
averse!
Which Is how I stopped all her plans!
ALL THREE
Lucky he/I
was there!
MRS. FIGG
He caused the Dementors all to
flee!
WEASLEYS/SNAPE
That's why Umbridge lost her sanity!
ALL THREE
Just lucky
he/I was there!
Lest Dumbledore lost more of his OTP!
UMBRIDGE
You think I
told lies?
No lies!
Think my squad was spies?
Not spies!
I look at
that school...
All scum!
Them I
Despise!
When I was a
girl, no friends
The teachers all think me dumb
They all made me sink
so low
I felt so glum!
Ever since then because of them
I
hated children who are well liked
Which is the reason I wanted to
make Potter lose his fame
First I thought I would send
Dementors
I'd get his soul in a package
Only he can cast
Patronuses
Dementors hate Patronuses
Dementors cannot fight
Patronuses!
But I figured I'd get
him expelled instead!
NO CHANCE!
He got off!
Told Fudge to
sod off!
Dumble blew us away!
Dumbledore,
Potter
They're all bloody popular!
You think I care if it's
true?
I don't care if it's true
Long as they pay!
TRELAWNEY (now
entering)
This stupid bitch said I was off my head
Because I
said
Potter'd be dead.
She fired me and got a centaur instead
Beware,
Umbridge!
MCGONAGALL
Rubbish!
She just sat there and
preached
Had no clue how to teach
TRELAWNEY
She means
Umbridge!
MCGONAGALL
This "headmistress" of ours would
have soon been impeached!
She sucked life from this school like a ministry leech!
MCGONAGALL and TRELAWNEY
Lucky we were there
MCGONAGALL
This
woman was so incompetent!
TRELAWNEY
She dared to tell me to
go get bent!
MCGONAGALL and
TRELAWNEY
Just lucky we were there!
SNAPE
To think if
I'd let her question Potter!
WEASLEYS
We saw
right away she was bad news!
She was fat and ugly, vital clues!
MRS. FIGG
She almost
had Potter kissed and slaughtered!
SNAPE
This shows how
she lost it under duress!
Too much bloody stress
Yes,
It gets you
depressed!
MCGONAGALL
A closet
death eater, that's my guess.
UMBRIDGE
NO!
MCGONAGALL
And
weren't her policies stupid--
UMBRIDGE
NO DEATH!
You
think I ate death?
Not dark!
Not Light!
Not any
side!
I'm with the
Ministry!
The ministry's my team!
No friends
No
beau
I'm not all that smart
No clue!
But I'm not with
You-know-who!
I'm just with the Ministry!
The Ministry's my
team!
And why is there no
sympathy?
With the fat girl there's no sympathy!
Only rebels
get any damn sympathy!
No fair!
OTHERS
Lucky we were
there...
UMBRIDGE
Them
I
Despise!
Screw off!
OTHERS
We
think we have shown her properly
That she screwed things up quite
royally!
Just lucky we were there...
UMBRIDGE
And soon I'll lose my job!
OTHERS
Because
Dumbledore...
UMBRIDGE
Damn
fool!
OTHERS
Might have lost more...
UMBRIDGE
HALF
BREEDS!
YOU DUMB
LYING SCUM!
SHUSH!
OTHERS
Of his
O...T...P!