Author's Note: Any similarities regarding pen names is purely coincidental. Also, this story is rated PG-13, meaning that some things had to be edited out of this chapter so that the rating doesn't have to be changed :P
Chapter Four: The Dog and the Ox.
"Who is she?" Venus asked as she and Donatello continued to watch the teenager in the living room from the safety of the train carriage.
"Ninjalara," Donatello answered briefly.
"Ninjara? The fox lady?" Venus misheard the information. Donatello simply rolled his eyes.
"No, Ninja-Lara," Don corrected, sounding out both halves of the name. "She's a fanfiction author," Don added.
"Oh!" Venus exclaimed as though everything she had heard had just clicked together inside her mind. "Would she be able to help us?" Venus suddenly asked, formulating an alliance in her head. Donatello hummed in thought and crossed his arms.
"Possibly. Then again, it's an author's job to complicate problems in order to drag out and eventually form a resolution. I don't know. Sometimes authors cause more problems than they solve," Donatello warned her, though Venus took no real notice of his recommendation. "Then again, Ninjalara does frequently pair you up with Leonardo-". That was all Venus needed to hear before she took up the initiative to approach Ninjalara. "-Except in her fic 'The Right Guy'…" Donatello muttered to himself before sighing, wishing he could have completed his sentence sooner. With a heavy heart, he followed Venus and trudged up to the teenage girl in the living room.
Ninjalara stared at the two turtles while they stared back. She blinked, causing the turtles to blink as well. Ninjalara then pinched her arm just for the sake of it, earning herself a quizzical look from Donatello in the process. "Are you alright?" Don asked as an amused smirk started to spread across his face. Ninjalara nodded numbly.
"I think so…" Ninjalara replied. Don and Venus looked at her weirdly while they realised and deciphered her strong accent. Hearing a noise from behind them, they all turned to see Mary Sue enter the room. After having a brief look of confusion, Mary quickly covered her expression with that of friendliness. Eyes opening wide with fear, Don and Venus didn't give Mary the chance to say a single word; clumsily grabbing Ninjalara by the wrist and pulling her back into Donatello's room, shutting the sliding door behind them.
"Phew! That was close!" Venus gasped with fear.
"…Did I just see a turtle with hair?" Ninjalara asked more to herself than to anyone else in the room. Her eyebrows furrowed as she silently studied the inventions in Don's room. "Wow… This is just like the movie 'Adaptation'," Ninjalara commented once again to herself.
"We have a problem," Venus stated, wanting to get straight to business.
"I'm in New York, aren't I?" Ninjalara suddenly realised that she had just traveled halfway around the world in less than a second.
"Her name's Mary Sue," Donatello said, hoping for some kind of response from the author.
"I've always wanted to go to New York," Ninjalara muttered to herself, still completely absorbed in her surroundings.
"Are you even listening?" Don asked, starting to get annoyed.
"Visit Times Square, Statue of Liberty, be an audience member on Oprah… I could win a car," Ninjalara continued to ignore the two turtles while she figured out what to do with herself.
"Will you look at me!?" Don said sharply. He immediately got Ninjalara's attention. A moment of quiet tension passed through the room as Ninjalara slowly took in the fact that she was standing in front of two mutant turtles. Don and Venus both raised an eye-ridge. "You know, for a ninja turtle fan, you're not taking this too well," Don said quietly, feeling as though he would scare the author off if he spoke any louder. A wave of calmness suddenly swept through Ninjalara as she finally accepted the reality of the situation.
"Why? Would you prefer me to jump up and down and scream in excitement about the fact that I'm meeting my favourite comic book characters in person?" Ninjalara asked with an amused yet pleased grin on her face. Donatello frowned.
"Point taken," he answered bluntly.
"We need your help," Venus suddenly stepped forward with renewed hope.
"With what?"
"We have a Mary Sue," Venus answered ruefully. Ninjalara sucked in a deep breath as though she didn't know how to handle the news. After taking in the information, she looked them both in the eye.
"Is she incredibly beautiful?" Ninjalara asked, assessing the seriousness of the situation.
"Yes," Venus and Don both answered.
"Very," Don added, earning himself a slap on the arm from Venus.
"Does she have a number of talents such as being skilled in the Martial Arts and the gift to fix things?" Ninjalara asked.
"Yes," both turtles answered simultaneously again.
"She even fixed the kitchen sink," Don added, trying to be helpful.
"Does she have super powers?"
"Yes!"
"Does she have a past filled with wangst?"
"You mean angst?" Don questioned.
"No, I mean wangst," Ninjalara remained firm. Both turtles nodded in answer to her question. "Is she suicidal or rebellious in a cool way?" This time Don and Venus shook their heads. "Good, then not all is lost," Ninjalara said, finishing her assessment.
"So you can help us!?" Venus sounded hopeful.
"…I dunno. Mary Sues are hard to get rid of. You can't simply kill them off cause that would make the story even more Mary Sueish!" Ninjalara stated the problem. "You can only destroy them with originality."
"So… be original," Don said simply.
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"Because Mary Sue has already cast a spell on me," Ninjalara sighed.
"What spell?" Venus asked, thinking that her Shinobi training could help to overcome the problem.
"Writer's Block," Ninjalara answered quietly. "You see, Mary Sues just sort of happen; they disguise themselves as original characters at first, but as the story continues, they slowly but surely zap all the creativity out of the author's mind until the plot is cliché," Ninjalara tried her best to explain her situation.
"Is there a cure for Writer's Block?" Don wondered, starting to panic. Ninjalara nodded.
"Time. Writer's Block can only be overcome with time," Ninjalara stated.
"So what do we do for the time being?" Venus also started to panic.
"Observe Raphael," the girl said, managing to confuse both Venus and Donatello.
"What does any of this have to do with Raph?" Don asked with a puzzled expression.
"Raphael is a good indicator in determining how badly a Mary Sue has infected a story. If he starts acting out of character, like being incredibly open with his feelings or is experiencing the stupid emotions and actions associated with puppy-love, then I'm afraid I won't be able to redeem your family," Ninjalara gave them the grim news. Venus and Don nodded slowly in understanding, finally seeing the seriousness of their predicament.
"Dinner's ready!" the trio heard Leo call from outside the room.
"Dinner?" Venus questioned, wondering where the time went.
"You were unconscious at lunch," Don reminded her.
"Oh… How could I forget?" Venus muttered darkly, remembering her fight with Mary Sue. With nothing else to say about the matter, the two turtles and the human slowly exited Don's room and moved towards the kitchen table. The alluring smell of pizza filled their nostrils as they sat down in preparation to eat. Not long after, Michelangelo, Mary and Raphael also emerged from their rooms. Raphael, completely oblivious, almost reached his seat before he jumped in shock when he finally noticed Ninjalara sitting next to him.
"Who the hell are you!?" Raphael hissed, partly surprised at the human's presence.
"Raph, this is Ninjalara. Ninjalara, this is Raph," Don quickly introduced them. Raising a wary eye-ridge, Raph slowly moved forward and joined the rest of the family at the table.
"So, do you have any super powers?" Mary asked the first question aimed towards the newcomer.
"I can make junk food disappear. Does that count?" Ninjalara wondered.
"Wow, you have the same super powers as Mike," Raphael commented flatly.
"You're not from these parts, are you?" Leonardo asked, once he'd heard Ninjalara's voice.
"Is it that obvious?" Ninjalara questioned, feeling self-conscious.
"So what's England like?" Mike asked.
"England?"
"You're from England, aren't you Ninjalara?" Mike said, getting confused.
"Just because I have an accent, it doesn't automatically make me from England," Ninjalara commented. "I'm from Australia, and you're free to call me Lara if you want," Lara said, starting to become bothered with all the attention she was getting. It annoyed Mary Sue as well.
"Why? Did you finally realise that you're not a ninja?" Raphael asked with a cruel smile on his lips. Lara frowned and didn't answer his rhetorical question. "I bet your real name isn't even Lara," Raph added. The girl could only give him a cheeky smile in response. Silence quickly filled the room as the conversation ran dry. Raphael smirked when he saw Lara's perplexed facial expression as she tried to eat the unusually floppy New York style pizza. Thinking he should give the girl a chance, Raphael asked a genuine question. "You're a ninja turtle fan, right?" Raph started. Lara nodded while she chewed. "So what turtle do you root for?"
Lara suddenly gave Raph a dirty look, causing him to wonder what he had said wrong. Donatello carefully leaned towards Raphael so he could whisper an explanation. "Raph, in Australia, the word 'root' means 'sex'," Don said quietly.
"Good thing I didn't ask her if she wanted a root beer then," Mike interrupted their brief conversation with a whisper. Feeling awkward, silence quickly entered the room again. Mary suddenly smiled and immediately grabbed the attention of all the males in the room, causing her to grin even wider in success – she had their full attention now.
"Do you know of any good stories Mary?" Mike asked.
"A couple, yes," Mary Sue said modestly with another one of her beautiful and gentle smiles.
"Oh do tell! I love a good tale!" Mike said, leaning in towards her. Leo and Raph did the same, really curious in what she had to say.
"Very well, then," Mary Sue began once she had cleared her throat. "The Dog and the Ox. An experimental fable. Once upon a time, another ox asked another dog a question. 'Why haven't you swallowed your trunk?' 'I beg your pardon' replied the dog, 'I always thought I was an elephant'."
"What is the moral?" Venus asked, scrutinising Mary's story.
"It's for you to discover it," Mary Sue replied sweetly.
"Tell us a different one," Leonardo requested, loving every moment of her previous story.
"A young calf had eaten too much ground glass. As a result he had to be confined. He gave birth to a cow. But as the calf was a boy, the cow couldn't call him 'mother'. She couldn't say 'father' to him, either, as he wasn't big enough. So the calf was obliged to get married to a certain young person, and the registry office made all the arrangements dictated by the current conventions," Mary Sue told the story with a dramatic tone of voice.
"That's interesting!" Leonardo approved.
"I've heard that one before," Lara muttered, becoming jealous of Mary Sue's advanced story telling abilities.
"Of course you have. It is a true story after all," Mary Sue charmed her audience.
"Another!" Raph, Leo and Mike begged. Donatello groaned, knowing that he was losing more and more brain cells by the minute.
"The Bouquet. Once upon a time a gentleman took his fiancee some flowers and she thanked him for them. But before she had the time to thank him, he took back the flowers he'd just given her, to teach her a good lesson, and as he took them away, he walked off in two directions at once," Mary Sue said.
"Charming!" Leonardo praised once again.
"Absolutely delightful!" Raphael admired. Donatello could have sworn he heard a few brain cells pop.
"Another!" Mike requested. Lara, Venus and Don groaned as Mary took in a deep breath so she could start another one of her tall tales.
EDIT
Not knowing what had just happened, the turtles stared at each other with stunned expressions. Master Splinter was now sitting at the table and all the pizza was gone. Confused, they all looked to Ninjalara for an explanation. "What just happened?" Raph asked the obvious.
"I had to edit out a few things because it would be rated NC-17," Lara answered.
"So… what just happened," Raph asked again.
"Well, I can't say, because even telling you what happened would be rated NC-17," Lara replied.
"So whatever we did just then would be rated NC-17," Don wanted a confirmation, starting to freak out.
"Yes, though for you it would seem like a mysterious jump ahead in time," Ninjalara pointed out.
"What a lie! You're a liar! We didn't do anything of that sort. You just wanted to cut out my next wonderful story because you're jealous that I had Leo's full attention," Mary Sue accused, standing up from her seat in outrage.
"Why would I be jealous?" Lara asked, acting like she had no idea of what Mary was talking about.
"Because you're a Leonardo fan!" Mary Sue said.
"What!?" Venus uttered in surprise. Anger quickly took over as she absorbed the fact that she had another competitor. Her eye quickly began to twitch soon after. Everyone stared at Venus because of her outburst.
"What's wrong with your eye?" Lara asked, slightly worried. Venus gritted her teeth in response.
"What's with all girls wanting Leo?" Raphael muttered jealously to himself. A lengthy silence soon followed. Not knowing what to say, Mary Sue sat back down in her seat. All of a sudden, Raphael let out a little burp.
"Raphael! Mind your manners!" Splinter was quick to tell him off, wanting his son's best behaviour in front of the guests.
Raphael simply shrugged. "Better out than in," he responded. After hearing his reasoning, Lara let out the burp she was holding; slightly louder than Raphael's. Accepting the challenge, Raphael burped again, louder this time. Lara was quick to respond with an even louder burp. Raphael then burped as loud as he could. Lara frowned and eyed the bottle of soda on the table. She grabbed a glass and drank some of the fizzy liquid, before unleashing a more powerful burp. Raphael did the same. Michelangelo suddenly joined in the burping contest, producing a burp that was well in contention. Frustrated, Raphael opened his mouth and sounded out all the gas that was in his stomach. Venus, Splinter, Don and Leo covered their noses in disgust. Then, without warning, Mary Sue did a burp of her own. It was so loud that gale force winds were produced. Furniture was flung around, windows were smashed and Venus' braided bandanna came undone. It was obvious who the winner was.
"Well, that ends our fun," Lara said with an annoyed tone.
EDIT
Stunned once again, the turtles tried to notice the subtle changes. The soda bottle was now empty, Ninjalara was wearing a different pair of jeans, and Don and Mike had swapped bandannas. "Was that another NC-17 ratings glitch?" Don asked. Lara simply nodded.
"I bet it wasn't," Mary Sue accused again. "Do you have a plot outline?" Mary asked Lara.
"Yes. I write plot outlines for all my stories," Lara said modestly.
"I'd like to see it. I want to see if anything rated NC-17 ever happened," Mary requested.
"I can't show you," Lara replied as calmly as she could.
"Why not?"
"Because it's not good for you to know what happens in your future," Lara answered, knowing that Mary would most likely read the whole thing through.
EDIT
Everyone in the room blinked in silence. Mike was still wearing Don's bandanna, while Don was wearing Venus'. Leo and Raph had swapped both bandannas and belts while Venus was holding Mary's twin katanas. Lara was wearing Mary's blue bandanna while Michelangelo's orange accessories were laid out neatly on the table. Venus and Mary frowned, feeling odd and partly naked for not wearing a bandanna at all. Splinter simply sat back and scratched his head in confusion.
"I don't think I wanna know what just happened," Raphael verbalised what everyone else was thinking.
All of a sudden, a low, thundering roar could be heard echoing around the sewer walls. One by one, ten human girls lowered themselves into the lair, jumping enthusiastically down the ladder. Lara smiled at all the newcomers. The author got up to greet and shake their hands while the mutants behind her gave her a look that they wanted an explanation.
"Guys, I'd like you to meet some ninja turtles fans I found off the street. This is Leonardo-Fan, LeonardoFan, LeOnArDo-fan, LeOnArDo-FaN, LeOnArDoFaN, Fan-of-Leonardo, FanofLeonardo, IamLeonardo, FaNofLeOnArDo, and I-Love-Leonardo-So-Much-That-I-Want-To-Marry-Him-And-Have-All-Of-His-Cute-Widdle-Babies," Lara said, finishing her introduction of all ten newcomers.
"She's cloning herself!" Raphael whispered fearfully into Donatello's ear. Venus' eye started to twitch again when all the fangirls ran forwards to surround and smother Leonardo.
To be continued…