Disclaimer: I don't own the turtles or Splinter. I do own myself, Mary Sue and the fangirls. I also don't own Chris Franklin's 'Bloke' or Harold Pinter's absurdist play, 'The Dumb Waiter'.
Author's Note: Sorry for the slightly late update. My mum has only just discovered the 'magic' of the Internet… Too bad she can't remember how to use the back button! The good news is, however, that I have just experienced my last day at school ever and I've got a few weeks holiday before I have some major evil exams. So I'm hoping to finish this very soon.
Colorado Kid - :raises champagne glass: To the death of Mary Sues!
Red Turtle – Thanks for helping with the Shredder stuff once again. I really appreciate it!
Rene – Yeah, root really does mean that in Australia. It depends what context it's used in though, 'cause it can also mean 'origin' eg; root of my problems. I originally didn't intend on having the fangirls look like me. It really depends on how you interpret Raph's comment; whether he means it literally or whether he's simply using it as an expression that the Leo fans just keep coming. But yeah, if you want, they can all look like me, after all I need all the originality I can get! The bottom line is that I can't be bothered writing three paragraphs worth of description for each of them!
Chapter Five: Get Away.
Sunday afternoon…
Raphael crossed his arms and pouted, trying his best not to get angry with Lara. Since the girl was still considered a guest in the lair, Splinter had ordered that she could have control over the television, much to Raph's annoyance. The turtle eyed her while she carefully glossed through the television guide in the hopes that she could find something decent to watch. "What time is it?" Lara finally asked.
"Five minutes to six," Raph growled while he stared at the clock on the wall.
"Oh, so I should start looking for shows beginning at six o'clock?" Lara asked rhetorically while she flicked back to the front page of the novel length TV guide. Raphael groaned in disbelief.
"Why are you taking so damn long?" Raph cried out in agony, desperately waiting for Lara to pick a channel.
"I only have five stations to choose from at home," Lara explained as she glossed through the booklet again.
"Five? How do you survive?" Raphael exclaimed out of pure shock. All of his built up anger seemed to dissipate into the atmosphere when Mary Sue sat down on the couch beside him. "Hi Mary," Raph greeted with an uncharacteristic excited smile. His face returned to normal when she didn't respond. "What's wrong?" he finally asked. Mary Sue pointed to the scene behind her. Curious, Raphael turned around in time to see Leo sprint across the lair in an attempt to lose the endless trail of fangirls.
"Squee!" the fanbrats annoyingly squealed in delight as they chased their favourite turtle. "LeOnArDo is Da HAWTNESS!1!1!1!" they each cheeped in turn, abusing the use of exclamation marks in the process. Raphael simply rolled his eyes while Mary Sue sighed in sadness. Both of the turtles turned around just in time to see Venus get bowled over by Leonardo's fanbase. Raph watched in silence as Venus growled, picked herself off the floor, and stormed into Donatello's room.
"I can't take it anymore!" Venus screamed at Don.
"Take what?" Don asked casually as he flicked through his daily newspaper.
"LeO!1! You r so funny! LOL!" Venus and Don heard the adolescent squeals being emitted from the living room.
"That!" Venus said after finding the perfect example.
"Did I just hear the expression 'LOL' used in dialogue?" Don wondered in disbelief.
"Fangirls, Mary Sues, Author inserts. What next!" Venus complained. Donatello was about to open his mouth to answer her question, but Venus covered his mouth with a hand. "Don't summon anything!" Venus warned him. "We have to get rid of those fanbrats and Mary as soon as possible," Venus started to scheme.
"What about Ninjalara?" Don wondered. Venus simply shrugged.
"But it's rare to find an author who remotely likes me," Venus defended.
"Next Mutation writer or not, she still managed to crash my computer earlier today, and therefore she must go as well," Donatello complained. Venus frowned at him and Don started to feel sympathetic.
"Fine, she can stay. But only if she can help us," Don tried to strike a deal. His proposal caused Venus to smile. Seeing that she was satisfied for the time being, Don returned to reading the newspaper.
"Wow! What about this? Listen to this!" Don referred to the paper in his hands. "A man of eighty-seven wanted to cross the road. But there was a lot of traffic, see? He couldn't see how he was going to squeeze through. So he crawled under a lorry."
"A what?" Venus asked, seemingly interested.
"He crawled under a lorry. A stationary lorry."
"No?" Venus stated in disbelief.
"The lorry started and ran over him."
"Go on!"
"That's what it says here."
"Get away."
"It's enough to make you want to puke, isn't it?"
"Who advised him to do a thing like that?" Venus wondered.
"A man of eighty-seven crawling under a lorry!"
"It's unbelievable."
"It's down here in black and white."
"Incredible." Venus said with diminishing feelings. Silence filled the room as Venus started to think about her problems again. "I mean, who does she think she is? Thinking she's absolutely gorgeous and that she can have any male turtle she sets her eyes on. Doesn't she know that it's first in, first serve?" Venus started complaining again while Donatello groaned at the never-ending topic of Mary Sue.
"The fangirls are worse," Don muttered as he continued to flick through the newspaper.
"There's only room for one main female character in this series, and that's either me or April O'Neil!" Venus continued her rant, ignoring Don's comment. "I want to shove so much carbon up her ass that she'll be coughing up diamonds for weeks!" Venus said spitefully.
"I think she can already do that," Don muttered again. Some coughing noises were heard coming from the living room. Sure enough, Mary was spewing up diamonds.
"Do it again!" Mike said excitedly, wanting the female turtle to repeat the party trick. Venus groaned in annoyance. Donatello gasped out loud as he read the newspaper.
"What's that?" Venus wondered, feigning interest.
"A child of eight killed a cat!"
"Get away."
"It's a fact. What about that, eh? A child of eight killing a cat!
"How did he do it?"
"It was a girl," Don corrected.
"How did she do it?"
"She-" Don studied the newspaper further. "It doesn't say."
"Why not?"
"Wait a minute. It just says – 'Her brother, aged eleven, viewed the incident from the toolshed'."
"Go on!"
"That's bloody ridiculous," Don stated. A rather long silence followed. Don sighed, glad he could get Venus' mind off Mary Sue for once. For reasons unknown to him, he enjoyed Venus' presence.
"I bet he did it," Venus finally spoke.
"Who?"
"The brother."
"I think you're right," Don commented. Another long silence followed. Not really knowing what to say, Don kept on talking needlessly. "What about that, eh? A kid of eleven killing a cat and blaming it on his little sister of eight! It's enough to-"
"-Why does she have to like Leonardo though?" Venus whined with jealousy.
"Who? Mary, Lara or the fangirls?" Don started to get confused. Venus thought for a little while.
"…Mary Sue," Venus finally decided who she was referring to. Donatello groaned upon hearing the topic for the umpteenth time that day.
"Why don't you just tell him!" Don hypocritically suggested, slightly raising his voice.
"I can't!" Venus replied quickly.
"Then at least tell Mary!" Don made another suggestion.
"That's beside the point. I was here first, therefore Mary Sue should have enough courtesy to seek my approval before she decides to date any of you. You're my guys! MY GUYS!" Venus raised her voice in defiance. Donatello gave her a blank look while he tried to comprehend her logic.
"You know, maybe someone else other than Leonardo likes you," Don tried to drop a hint.
"Who? Raph? But Raphael hates me," Venus thought out loud.
"Well, maybe not Raph…" Don said as he dropped subliminal messages.
"I know that Michelangelo has a crush on me…" Venus said. "But he's not my type," she followed up. "I guess there's no one else but Leo," Venus' thinking processes went full circle, as though she had tunnel vision.
"Yeah… no one else," Don muttered sadly while he started to blush. He buried his head back into his newspaper. It wasn't long till he found another story. "Listen to this," Don spoke, though this time there wasn't any hint of enthusiasm in his voice. "What about that, eh? Have you ever heard such a thing?"
"Go on!" Venus urged dully.
"It's true."
"Get away."
"It's down here in black and white."
"Is that a fact?" Venus breathed out in a low, disinterested whisper.
"Can you imagine it," Don stated monotonously in routine.
"It's unbelievable."
"It's enough to make you want to puke, isn't it?"
"Incredible," Venus said almost inaudibly.
The rather loud tune of Chris Franklin's song 'Bloke' abruptly started to fill lair. Disturbed from his reading, Donatello tossed his newspaper aside.
EDIT
"Lara!" Donatello yelled in annoyance.
EDIT
"What?" Lara replied from the living room.
EDIT
"Turn off that music!" Don called out angrily again as he grumpily trudged to the door of his room. He crossed his arms when he spotted Ninjalara mucking around with a stereo.
EDIT
"Why? I'm trying to do a songfic!" was Lara's response, trying to yell over the loud music floating through the background.
EDIT
"Songfic?" Donatello suddenly became confused.
EDIT
"Well I was trying to do a songfic, until I had to use my 'magical' powers as an author and travel back in 'time' in order to correct a rather fatal mistake," Lara said while she pretended that she was more powerful than she really was through using a series of euphemisms. Don gave her a blank look.
"Huh?"
Lara sighed, knowing that her explanation was too subtle… or over glorified. Frowning, she turned off the stereo and crossed her arms out of frustration. "The website that I'm posting this story on made a rule against posting song lyrics. If caught, then my account would have been terminated. So since I had already published this fic, I had to re-upload this particular chapter in order to avoid getting punished by this new rule," the author explained it fully.
"Oh… So those weren't NC-17 edits just then?"
"No those were real edits. Songfic edits," Ninjalara clarified.
"Real edits? Were there ever any fake ones?" Donatello wondered, confused by her choice of words.
"Never mind," Lara muttered. Suddenly, much to Donatello's surprise, Ninjalara pulled a large paper scroll out of one of the pockets on her jeans and started to write a message. Raising an eye-ridge, he patiently waited for the teenager to stop jotting down her notes. He looked on with mild surprise when Ninjalara suddenly tore off her message and stuck it like a banner on one of the sewer lair's grimy walls. Curious, Donatello stepped out of his room so he could read what was written.
'A/N: This is actually true. Originally I had the song lyrics written throughout the dialogue. Unfortunately the song I quoted from wasn't that popular worldwide so I don't know if you'll have much luck looking it up on the web. Seeing that I had to edit out a few jokes, I might have to post the original version of this fic elsewhere.'
"Why'd you do that?" Don questioned when he'd finished reading the message.
"Do what?"
"Post your notes there," Don muttered while ungratefully pointing to the new poster.
"I thought it looked pretty there," Lara said with a shrug.
"But (A/N: Hehe, he said butt :P) Author's Notes are supposed to (A/N: My cat's breath smells like cat food) be posted (A/N: Don can be my pinup boy any day XD) at the end of a chapter (A/N: Although I also like to post my Author's Notes at the beginning as well). Otherwise (A/N: Yeesh! Don never shuts up!) they become (A/N: I wrote DiS st0ry on a sugAr h1gh! WEEEE! Haha hehe!11!1!one!1!one!eleven!11!) really annoying (A/N: Okay… I ran out of ideas for what to write for this one…) and distracting (A/N: NYAH! Na Duh!)! STOP (A/N: Oooh! He's resorting to CAPITALISATION now! I'm soooo scared :P) INTERRUPTING (A/N: Did you know that Microsoft Word doesn't pick up on spelling mistakes with fully capitalised words? Weird, huh?) ME!" Donatello screamed towards the end of his complaint.
"Okay! Okay! I'll stop doing it and wait till the end of the chapter!" Lara finally gave in to his demands. Don grunted in reply. There was a long pause as though no one really knew what to say next. It wasn't long till the author sighed. "See, now I'm in a bit of a pickle," Lara murmured while she looked at her fingernails.
"How come?" Although Donatello was still annoyed at being attacked with Author's Notes, he still was curious enough to ask the question.
"Well now I've got to join up this new scene with the old one," Lara sighed, quite flustered.
"Well that shouldn't be too hard," Don commented, slowly going back to his old self. There was another long pause as though nothing was really planned. Don rubbed his lips together out of anxiousness while he wondered when Ninjalara was going to get on with the story.
"I need a reason to leave," Lara suddenly said, causing Don to jump out of his bored state.
"Why? Is it needed to fit in with what happens in the future?" Don wondered.
"Yeah. Like I need to find a reason to leave, so then Venus can come running out of your room in desperation and then grab my arm, begging me not to go," Lara explained her situation in more detail.
"Oh! Um, okay," Don finally understood what was needed. "Maybe you need to go to the toilet?" Don suggested. Lara rolled her eyes.
"A reason to leave the lair!" Ninjalara said when she found Donatello's idea rather boring and plain.
"Okay… Well… There's a hotdog stand outside, just near one of the manholes," Don said. Ninjalara frowned and stared the turtle for a lengthy amount of time. The girl then sighed.
"Meh. Good enough," Lara shrugged. "Okay! I'm going out for hotdogs!" the author announced to the world before starting to walk away.
"Wait! Don't go!" Venus called out. The female turtle ran out, grabbed the author by the wrist and pulled her back into Don's room. "Have you thought up a way to get rid of Mary Sue?" Venus asked anxiously.
"I'm doing what now?" Lara replied, quite confused.
"Yesterday you said that you could help us in trying to defeat Mary Sue," Venus reminded her.
"…Yeah…" Lara pretended that she had remembered what she had promised.
"So…" Venus urged the girl on, wondering if a solution had been reached.
"Um… I need more time… otherwise if I don't do it properly, then Mary Sue will curse your family forever," Lara started off her answer slowly, before quickly blackmailing the two turtles. "I need to do some relaxing activities… to think," Lara continued to make up excuses.
"Like what?" Don, completely desperate, fell for her bluff.
"Well… I recently got my Learner's License. I wouldn't mind practicing my driving in the Hummer," Lara started. "Leo can be my teacher!" she finished announcing her demands with a proud and manipulative smile on her face. "You should really get that eye seen to by a doctor," Lara commented with concern when she noticed Venus' eye twitch again.
Donatello sighed. "I'll go find him then," he relented. The purple-wearing turtle ambled into the living room and slowly waded through the masses of Leo fans. He stopped in fright when he finally reached the kitchen. There, in front of him, Mary and Leonardo were passionately kissing. Don felt his heart fill with sorrow for Venus' sake, knowing that her fight for his love was now lost. He cleared his throat and hoped that he could break the couple up quickly in case Venus happened to follow him through to the kitchen. "Um… Leo," Don awkwardly said as a part of himself wanted to respect their privacy.
"Hmm…" Leo hummed back in response, breaking off the kiss a few seconds later.
"Would you be able to give Ninjalara a driving lesson?" Don requested.
"Yeah, sure."
"Can I come too?" Mary asked seductively. Leonardo's only answer was an aroused smile, causing Donatello to feel sick on the inside.
"I'll come as well," Venus invited herself along as she battled to get through the group of fangirls. Donatello wondered if she had witnessed the kiss between Leo and Mary, but since her eye hadn't exploded yet through repetitive strain injury, he figured she hadn't. Yet the thought and need to tell her still gnawed on the inside of his conscience, though as painful as it was to see her scramble for Leo's heart, he made a judgment call and believed it would be more excruciating at this point in time if he told the truth of the matter at hand.
"Can lyke, we come 2?" the fanbrats begged and squealed while batting their eyelashes.
"There's not enough room!" Venus snapped at them all.
"Make a left here," Leonardo instructed as Ninjalara stressfully took control of the turtle's mode of transport.
"I love your bandanna," Mary Sue whispered into Leo's ear as she leaned forward from her position in the back seat. She intimately reached and felt one of his bandanna tails as a simple sign of affection. Venus' eye twitched once again as she viewed the act from the other seat in the back. Jealous, Venus leaned forward and yanked Leo's other bandanna tail.
"I like it too!" Venus said more sharply than she had intended.
"Ow! Girls, knock it off!" Leo cried out when he was sick of getting his mask viscously pulled by the two competitive females. Mary and Venus both backed off for a moment while the Hummer slowly drifted over to the wrong side of the road. "We drive on the right," Leo corrected as he grabbed the steering wheel and corrected Ninjalara's mistake.
"Sorry," Lara quickly replied as her eyes darted around the road stressfully.
"How many lessons have you had?" Leonardo asked while raising an eye-ridge.
"Um… Four," Lara answered quickly again. Leonardo gulped and turned his gaze towards the rearview mirror. He smiled when he saw Mary's face when he angled his head a certain way. Venus pouted and pulled on Mary's hair, yanking her head out of Leonardo's sight. Mary Sue hissed and scratched Venus on the arm. Venus scratched back. Mary slapped her across the face, provoking Venus to strike back once again. They both then tried to slap each other, yet block and protect themselves at the same time, thus only managing to viciously clap each others hands as though it was a game.
"Girls, stop that!" Leo frowned at their immature behaviour while grabbing the steering wheel once again. "We drive on the right," Leo repeated.
"Sorry," Lara stressfully replied.
Mary Sue slyly shifted her position and rested her feet in the space in-between Leo's seat and the passenger side door. Venus pouted when Leo started to affectionately play with Mary's two toes. Getting jealous once again, Venus shoved her feet forward as well; almost kicking Leo in the head as a result. "Venus! I can't see the road!" Leo complained. Mary shoved Venus aside so that her foot no longer blocked Leo's vision. Angry, Venus tried to slap Mary, but she only succeeded in playing the hand clapping game once again. "Girls! Cut it out!" Leo ordered as he pulled on the steering wheel. "WE DRIVE ON THE RIGHT!" Leonardo snapped.
"Sorry," Lara inaudibly muttered.
"Let's just go home," Leo ordered, starting to calm down. Nobody argued with his decision.
Ten agonising minutes later, the Hummer was safely parked back in the garage. Tired and worn out from arguing, the three turtles and the human slowly descended the ladder into the lair. To their utmost surprise, the number of fangirls had tripled, although now something was very different; two-thirds of them were wearing orange.
"Hey guys!" Michelangelo bounded up to them. "Guess what! My fanbase just arrived! You've gotta love these girls!" Mike stated excitedly, pointing to all of his fanbase, clearly doubling the amount of Leo fans. Venus and Lara groaned while Raph stood to the side of the room and glowered with jealousy.
"Squee!1!" the fangirls screamed so loud that it was almost deafening.
To be continued…