Chapter Three
At the day and time appointed for Solemnization of Matrimony, the Persons to be married shall come into the body of the Church, or shall be ready in some proper house, with their friends and neighbours; and there standing together, the Man on the Right hand, and the Woman on the left, the Minister shall say,
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this company, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony; which is an honourable estate, instituted of God, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church: which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified with his presence and first miracle that he wrought in Cana of Galilee, and is commended of Saint Paul to be honourable among all men: and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God. Into this holy estate, these two persons present come now to be joined. If any man can show just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace."
And also speaking unto the Persons who are to be married, he shall say, "I REQUIRE and charge you both, as ye will answer-"until he shall be interrupted by the arrival of a young Man through the back door of the church who shall call out in a loud voice, "I can!"
And the minister shall thus continue until he succumbs to the realisation that some Person is actually claiming a just cause, "at the dreadful day of Judgement – goodness me!"
The young man shall continue, "This man is already married!" and the bride shall collapse in nervous anguish and everything shall be thrown into kerfuffle. The parents of the bride shall jump up with faces white, the bridegroom shall continue to look at the minister with a contented and unctuous smile on his countenance, not having realised exactly what is going on, and the parents of the groom will gasp and disclaim in anger and loudly ask their son what in Heaven's name is this. Once their son has been awoken from his reverie and has been told in simple, deliberate language what is going on, he shall proclaim in surprised accents, "But I don't know who to!" And when the bride shall awaken from her assumed faint she shall scream vividly and continuously until she is rushed from the room by her fiancé's sister to be restrained and calmed, and then the groom shall begin to think that this must be a mistake and shout, "This is all WRONG!"
And it was all wrong, of course. As soon as Julia shut the door after she'd dragged the screeching Harriet outside, the screams abated. "Quick, Julia, tell me – do you think it has worked?"
"Yes, I'm sure," Julia grinned. "But that was the funniest thing I have seen in a while, Harriet! Did you see my brother blankly staring at the front with a stupid grin on his face while everyone else plunged themselves into chaos, because he hadn't realised yet what was going on? Did you see my parents bellowing that it was all a falsehood and how dare Marcus contaminate the reputation of their son?"
"Marcus did well, didn't he?" agreed Harriet, smiling in return. "But no more conversation, Julia, I must fly."
Julia's expression changed at once from merriment to sorrow. "Must you, Harriet?"
"Why, you goose, of course I must," said Harriet brusquely as she picked up her bag and started running.
Julia followed. "I will miss you, Harriet. Will you write to me?"
"I will," promised Harriet. "Julia, I have no time for tears, and I apologise that our parting cannot be more auspicious – but I have to go."
"Yes, yes, run now," said Julia, waving her off. "I must go back and act my part."
Julia managed admirably well not to cry. She turned and entered the church again, where everyone turned to face her, each one confused and red-faced. "Where is she, Miss Porker?" asked the chubby clergyman.
Julia put on her pensive, worried face. "I left her in the little room adjoining," she said quietly. "I fear she is much distressed. I have come to ask you not to disturb her for a while."
"I must go to her and make her come out and marry him," said Mrs Stevenson at once.
"No, no!" cried Julia, panicking. "She – she goes into hysterics whenever I try to speak to her, and I am persuaded that she only needs a time of quiet, solitary reflection to become herself again. Please leave her for now!"
To her relief, Mrs Stevenson paused. "Yes, perhaps you are right." She turned fiercely on Marcus Turnbull. "You fool, why did you have to be so stupid?"
"Mrs Stevenson!" gasped Mr Turnbull righteously. "The Bible says never to call another a fool!"
Harriet's mother blushed angrily. "I ask your forgiveness then, Mr Turnbull, but ask you again, why did you have to be so stupid?"
"It was an innocent mistake, ma'am! I am so sorry!" he pleaded. "I was walking through the village when I thought I heard someone say that Miss Stevenson was marrying Mr Puckett today and naturally I was very worried for my friend, because I knew that Mr Puckett was already married – and going senile. Is it not a natural reaction to try and save my friend's very respectability before she makes this ghastly mistake?"
Mrs Stevenson was obviously furious. "You – you idiot!" she thundered. "How could you possibly suppose that my husband and I – we! the best Christians in the area! – would be condoning bigamy? Could you not at least verify what you heard?"
"I am so sorry!" he said again. "All I know is that I heard what the man said, panicked, and sprinted for the church in all haste so as to be in time to save my friend's innocence! I apologise for all the trouble I have caused – especially for injuring the honest Mr Porker – and I will leave you now. Please accept my heartfelt apologies and prayers that all will come to good in the end." And Marcus Turnbull left the church with a secret wink to Julia, who found it hard not to laugh. Julia now thought it of the utmost importance to start another argument before anyone thought of going to check on Harriet, and prompted now a 'contemplative discourse' between Mr and Mrs Stevenson, as they liked to call them, while quite skilfully generating another between her parents and the clergyman, who had never witnessed such a vulgar lack of propriety in a wedding before, in his entire exalted career.
Meanwhile, Harriet ran through the woods behind the church as fast as she could, pushing aside bushes and shrubbery, panting and never quite losing her cool, until she came to the road where John was waiting. "It worked! First attempt?" he asked, coming out from behind the curricle where he was waiting, smoking his pipe.
"Yes, it worked on the first attempt, but I'm in a hurry, John," said Harriet calmly, throwing her bag onto the seat of the curricle. "Will you hand me up like a true gentleman?"
"Certainly, milady," he said gravely. "So there was no need for your own proclamation of a just cause, or the last minute discovery of everything you didn't need and nothing you did in your bag, or – what was the other plan?"
"To question the minister's right to marry us," said Harriet, in a rush. "Don't be unhelpful, John, you know I need to get away."
He handed her up into the curricle easily. "You know we'll all miss you."
Harriet paused and smiled back at him. "You don't know how much I'll miss everyone – Julia, you, Marcus, Jonathan – and how grateful I am to you all for this."
He nodded, looked admiring. "By Jupiter, Harriet, I never thought you'd do something like this! You've always been daring, but this outstrips it all. You're pluck to the backbone, my girl."
She reached down and shook his hand like a gentleman. "Thank you, John. Goodbye."
"God bless you, Harriet."
She grabbed the reins and quickly drove off, unable to hold back a few tears in the corner of her eyes, and feeling very unlike herself. But as she felt the wind on her face and thought of never again having to embroider a cushion unless she wanted to, or to be pressured to do things and be somebody she wasn't, or be restrained or caged up again, the tears left her eyes, and she smiled again. She was free! And it felt exquisite.
Harriet drove for some time, and was relieved to find no one following her. She tried to take the most unpredictable route and restrained herself from stopping to talk to anyone, and kept her cloak shadowed over her face so that nobody would be able to tell that she was a woman. The last thing she wanted to do was to provoke someone's curiosity and give them something to remember her by.
Harriet drove on and on all day; stopping only once to quench her thirst at a small stream. She passed only several people on the road, who looked as bored with her as she did with them. Her heart never really stopped pounding as any noise behind her bore a dreadful resemblance to the sound of Father's old trap or Mother's shoes. But these dreadful spectres failed to appear, and she continued to drive, hoping with all her heart that her parents had believed Julia if her friend had said what she was supposed to; that Harriet may have headed in the direction of her friend Louisa's home, which happened to be completely the opposite direction to where Harriet was going.
Harriet was, in fact, driving on a roundabout route to the small village of Kempbrook, where a friend of John's lived, a Mrs Connie Goodrem who had laughingly promised to give her refuge for a night or two. She was sure it would be the last place her parents would look for her.
At the day and time appointed for Solemnization of Matrimony, the Persons to be married shall come into the body of the Church, or shall be ready in some proper house, with their friends and neighbours; and there standing together, the Man on the Right hand, and the Woman on the left, the Minister shall say,
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this company, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony; which is an honourable estate, instituted of God, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church: which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified with his presence and first miracle that he wrought in Cana of Galilee, and is commended of Saint Paul to be honourable among all men: and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God. Into this holy estate, these two persons present come now to be joined. If any man can show just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace."
And also speaking unto the Persons who are to be married, he shall say, "I REQUIRE and charge you both, as ye will answer-"until he shall be interrupted by the arrival of a young Man through the back door of the church who shall call out in a loud voice, "I can!"
And the minister shall thus continue until he succumbs to the realisation that some Person is actually claiming a just cause, "at the dreadful day of Judgement – goodness me!"
The young man shall continue, "This man is already married!" and the bride shall collapse in nervous anguish and everything shall be thrown into kerfuffle. The parents of the bride shall jump up with faces white, the bridegroom shall continue to look at the minister with a contented and unctuous smile on his countenance, not having realised exactly what is going on, and the parents of the groom will gasp and disclaim in anger and loudly ask their son what in Heaven's name is this. Once their son has been awoken from his reverie and has been told in simple, deliberate language what is going on, he shall proclaim in surprised accents, "But I don't know who to!" And when the bride shall awaken from her assumed faint she shall scream vividly and continuously until she is rushed from the room by her fiancé's sister to be restrained and calmed, and then the groom shall begin to think that this must be a mistake and shout, "This is all WRONG!"
And it was all wrong, of course. As soon as Julia shut the door after she'd dragged the screeching Harriet outside, the screams abated. "Quick, Julia, tell me – do you think it has worked?"
"Yes, I'm sure," Julia grinned. "But that was the funniest thing I have seen in a while, Harriet! Did you see my brother blankly staring at the front with a stupid grin on his face while everyone else plunged themselves into chaos, because he hadn't realised yet what was going on? Did you see my parents bellowing that it was all a falsehood and how dare Marcus contaminate the reputation of their son?"
"Marcus did well, didn't he?" agreed Harriet, smiling in return. "But no more conversation, Julia, I must fly."
Julia's expression changed at once from merriment to sorrow. "Must you, Harriet?"
"Why, you goose, of course I must," said Harriet brusquely as she picked up her bag and started running.
Julia followed. "I will miss you, Harriet. Will you write to me?"
"I will," promised Harriet. "Julia, I have no time for tears, and I apologise that our parting cannot be more auspicious – but I have to go."
"Yes, yes, run now," said Julia, waving her off. "I must go back and act my part."
Julia managed admirably well not to cry. She turned and entered the church again, where everyone turned to face her, each one confused and red-faced. "Where is she, Miss Porker?" asked the chubby clergyman.
Julia put on her pensive, worried face. "I left her in the little room adjoining," she said quietly. "I fear she is much distressed. I have come to ask you not to disturb her for a while."
"I must go to her and make her come out and marry him," said Mrs Stevenson at once.
"No, no!" cried Julia, panicking. "She – she goes into hysterics whenever I try to speak to her, and I am persuaded that she only needs a time of quiet, solitary reflection to become herself again. Please leave her for now!"
To her relief, Mrs Stevenson paused. "Yes, perhaps you are right." She turned fiercely on Marcus Turnbull. "You fool, why did you have to be so stupid?"
"Mrs Stevenson!" gasped Mr Turnbull righteously. "The Bible says never to call another a fool!"
Harriet's mother blushed angrily. "I ask your forgiveness then, Mr Turnbull, but ask you again, why did you have to be so stupid?"
"It was an innocent mistake, ma'am! I am so sorry!" he pleaded. "I was walking through the village when I thought I heard someone say that Miss Stevenson was marrying Mr Puckett today and naturally I was very worried for my friend, because I knew that Mr Puckett was already married – and going senile. Is it not a natural reaction to try and save my friend's very respectability before she makes this ghastly mistake?"
Mrs Stevenson was obviously furious. "You – you idiot!" she thundered. "How could you possibly suppose that my husband and I – we! the best Christians in the area! – would be condoning bigamy? Could you not at least verify what you heard?"
"I am so sorry!" he said again. "All I know is that I heard what the man said, panicked, and sprinted for the church in all haste so as to be in time to save my friend's innocence! I apologise for all the trouble I have caused – especially for injuring the honest Mr Porker – and I will leave you now. Please accept my heartfelt apologies and prayers that all will come to good in the end." And Marcus Turnbull left the church with a secret wink to Julia, who found it hard not to laugh. Julia now thought it of the utmost importance to start another argument before anyone thought of going to check on Harriet, and prompted now a 'contemplative discourse' between Mr and Mrs Stevenson, as they liked to call them, while quite skilfully generating another between her parents and the clergyman, who had never witnessed such a vulgar lack of propriety in a wedding before, in his entire exalted career.
Meanwhile, Harriet ran through the woods behind the church as fast as she could, pushing aside bushes and shrubbery, panting and never quite losing her cool, until she came to the road where John was waiting. "It worked! First attempt?" he asked, coming out from behind the curricle where he was waiting, smoking his pipe.
"Yes, it worked on the first attempt, but I'm in a hurry, John," said Harriet calmly, throwing her bag onto the seat of the curricle. "Will you hand me up like a true gentleman?"
"Certainly, milady," he said gravely. "So there was no need for your own proclamation of a just cause, or the last minute discovery of everything you didn't need and nothing you did in your bag, or – what was the other plan?"
"To question the minister's right to marry us," said Harriet, in a rush. "Don't be unhelpful, John, you know I need to get away."
He handed her up into the curricle easily. "You know we'll all miss you."
Harriet paused and smiled back at him. "You don't know how much I'll miss everyone – Julia, you, Marcus, Jonathan – and how grateful I am to you all for this."
He nodded, looked admiring. "By Jupiter, Harriet, I never thought you'd do something like this! You've always been daring, but this outstrips it all. You're pluck to the backbone, my girl."
She reached down and shook his hand like a gentleman. "Thank you, John. Goodbye."
"God bless you, Harriet."
She grabbed the reins and quickly drove off, unable to hold back a few tears in the corner of her eyes, and feeling very unlike herself. But as she felt the wind on her face and thought of never again having to embroider a cushion unless she wanted to, or to be pressured to do things and be somebody she wasn't, or be restrained or caged up again, the tears left her eyes, and she smiled again. She was free! And it felt exquisite.
Harriet drove for some time, and was relieved to find no one following her. She tried to take the most unpredictable route and restrained herself from stopping to talk to anyone, and kept her cloak shadowed over her face so that nobody would be able to tell that she was a woman. The last thing she wanted to do was to provoke someone's curiosity and give them something to remember her by.
Harriet drove on and on all day; stopping only once to quench her thirst at a small stream. She passed only several people on the road, who looked as bored with her as she did with them. Her heart never really stopped pounding as any noise behind her bore a dreadful resemblance to the sound of Father's old trap or Mother's shoes. But these dreadful spectres failed to appear, and she continued to drive, hoping with all her heart that her parents had believed Julia if her friend had said what she was supposed to; that Harriet may have headed in the direction of her friend Louisa's home, which happened to be completely the opposite direction to where Harriet was going.
Harriet was, in fact, driving on a roundabout route to the small village of Kempbrook, where a friend of John's lived, a Mrs Connie Goodrem who had laughingly promised to give her refuge for a night or two. She was sure it would be the last place her parents would look for her.