Chapter 4. The Punishment

Jail Cell 6, Unknown location, Lower Elements

Artemis and Holly woke up in a dark jail cell, handcuffed to a pole. 'This is entirely your fault' said an angry Holly

'My fault? Why is it my fault?'

'Because, we should put spy cameras in Foaly's room' Holly said doing an impression of Artemis.'

'We got to get out of here.'

'Naaa, were gonna stay here all day'

Suddenly Commander Root appeared at the jail door.

'You're free to go. But go home, you're suspended for three days. And Fowl, you'd better not get in any more trouble, one more incident and you're gonna get a blanket wipe on the spot.

Holly's Place

'Hey Fowl...'

'What?'

'You want a drink?'

'Foke-a-Fola if you got any.'

Holly opened the fridge only to find it full of wine and beer

'Artemis, did you fill the fridge with beer?'

'No, why?'

'Because someone did. You still thirsty?'

'Er, Ok'

Holly threw Artemis a beer and takes one, soon getting drunk, seriously drunk, Well Holly did anyway.

'Wanna go up ta my room an' make out?' Asked Holly in a drunken way

'What?' Replied Artemis, not sure if he heard right.

'You wanna make out or what?'

'Holly, I think you're to drunk to be making any choices'

'Oh, BullSmeg'

'I think you should go to bed.'

'Yeah, you can come to.'

'Sure, Holly, Sure. I'll come.' Said Artemis sarcastically

Suddenly Artemis's vision was going blurry. He was getting drunk, he thought. Suddenly he wanted to kiss Holly. He wanted it more than anything else, so he did it.

As soon as their lips touched, he lost control. He couldn't stop himself, and he didn't want to. 'Oh crap' was his last

un-drunk thought before 'kiss me Holly' took over

When Artemis woke up he was resting on Holly's lap, and he had a hangover.

'Arghh' He screamed.

Artemis knew if Holly found out, she would be very, very unhappy, even though he can't even remember what he did. But he knew it was bad, very bad. Artemis had to take a crap, probably because he was scared Smegless, literally.

Ops Booth, Police Plaza, Lower Elements

Foaly was watching a TV screen, with Holly and Artemis on it. Holly didn't know it, but they were being set up. By Foaly himself, he planted the beer and the spy cameras. They were on TV, and they wouldn't like what they saw.

'I am so smart.' Foaly said to himself 'I am soooooooooo smart, They'll never know.... Suckers.'

'No, you're not' said a voice behind him. It was Commander Root 'All you've done is made some pointless history, about humans and fairies. Jees, and Mulch has escaped Howler's Peak'

'Mulch escaped Howler's Peak!' Said a surprised Foaly 'He's good, very good.'

'Yeah, as soon as you've finished admiring him, you can work on catching him.'

Holly's Place

Holly awoke with a groan, now that's something that didn't happen very often, usually her magic made her fit and ready for action. She could wake up and run away from a stampede of elephants two meters away. The only time she doesn't feel really good is when she's got no magic, and the only things that drain her magic are radiation and, alchahol. 'Oh no'. She thought, as the memories of last night came flooding back to her. I was one wasted Smeg. She thought. Wow I'm still drunk, 'cause I certainly call myself a Smeg, and for some reason I feel like busting a cap in Artemis's ass. Bust a cap? What the Smeg is a cap? And why an ass? Dude I think I'm wasted still. Wasted, dude? What the hell? I'm gonna go to sleep till I get rid'a that stupid cap, ass thing. D'Arvit.

Ops booth, Police Plaza, Lower Elements

'Wow' thought Foaly, Holly sleep talks! What the hell is a cap in your ass? What the hell is a cap? What's an ass? Oh yeah, an ass...I have an ass'

Commander Root's voice crackled over the intercom 'Foaly, What the Smeging hell is a cap? And why in the ass? Get your best team on it! And there'd better be more tapes'

Holly's Place

'Artemis' called Holly 'Where are you?'

'Not here' replied Artemis 'I did something very wrong.'

'Did you break the fridge?'

'Yes, but that's not it.'

'Then what is it.'

'I broke the oven.'

'Oh. Let me have a look at it Mr. Child Prodigy'

'Why are you wearing my lipstick?' Asked Holly as she entered the Fitchen (Fairy Kitchen)

'I'm not wearing any lipstick'

'Well it looks like it. I had the weirdest dream last night.'

'Oh yeah, what was it?'

'We, like, made out and the fridge was full of beer.'

'Ummm, that wasn't a dream.'

'So that's why you're wearing my lipstick, could you please leave for a second?'

Artemis left the room, went up the stairs and into Holly's room. Artemis soon heard Holly talking to herself, well, yelling to herself

'&!#(&$$&)&$&()$&#($&$$#$$$&#&Q#&$#&$#&#$&#$(#&&$#($&(QW8&#$$#$#$#&$&&($$&$&($($&$&$&$&STUPID(&&$(&&)(&((&&&(&(&((()&#$#$#$#!#$$###$$I SHOULD BUST A CAP IN HIS ASS(&$#$#&$ CAP? WHAT THE SMEG IS A CAP?'

Holly then heard some profanity from Artemis,

()$&&()#&)(#) (insert large amount of symbols), Bust a Cap? What the Hell. That sounds like Smege'n gangsta talk. Jesus.

'Artemis,' echoed Holly's voice, 'we have to get to police plaza. Now.'

'Whatever.'

'Urghhh, I don't feel to good.'

'You all right?'

'No, you stupid asshole.'

Artemis was spared futher dissin' by the sound of the Fone (Fairy phone) ringing, and Root's voice crackled over it.

'Short. What the Smege'n hell do you think your doing?'

'Umm, leaving for work.'

'Sure, I believe you. Even though Artemis better not come, half the LEP hates him after what happened last night.'

'Huh?'

'You know, you drunken freak.'

Then the line went dead.

Ops booth, Police Plaza, Haven City, Lower Elements

Foaly casually trotted into the Ops booth, carrying some tapes. He put in the one with no label. It was Artemis and Holly, doing very naughty things, like eating whipped cream out of a spray bottle and not taking out the trash, plus other naughty stuff. Foaly, being a paranoid nut, usually closes his door, but today he was so excited that he forgot to. Chix Verbil just happened to walk in while Foaly was watching the tape, once he saw what was on the tape, he smashed half his teeth.

Artemis entered Police Plaza, looking for Commander Root. Commander Root's office was next to the cafeteria, and everybody happened to be having brunch. Everybody was glaring at Artemis in that murderous way. Artemis was scared, and started running. Everybody got up and chased after Artemis in an angry fit of rage. Artemis, being smart and having previous experience, knew to run into the Operations Booth. The Opal Koboi experience proved that the Operations Booth was impenetrable from the outside world. Foaly buzzed him in and locked the door. All the guys were banging on the door, trying to get in. The smarter ones had pulled out their Neutrino 2000s and started blasting the door.

'Foaly.' Gasped Artemis 'What the hell is going on?'

'I don't know, why?'

'Cause everybody's trying to kill me, that's why!'

'Well, we should just ask them.'

The inter-com emitted a loud, fuzzy sound before,

'Fowl, come out here and fight, you stupid son-of-a-Smeg.' Several voices agreed

'Why? What did I do?' Asked Artemis

'What did you do! You made out with Holly that's what you did!'

'I was drunk, do you think I'm crazy. I don't even like Holly that much.'

'Sure you don't, that's what they all say.' More voices agreed

After about 2 hours, everybody left. Artemis wasn't brave enough venture out outside, so he used the inter-com to Commander Root.

'Commander, What the hell is going on?'

'You and Holly, that's what's going on!'

'How did you know?'

'I found a tape in my desk.'

'You could've put it there.'

'It's under lock and key, no one has that key but me.'

'Well someone's got it.'

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and the Ops booth door buckled but held, barely

'What the?' Asked Foaly

'It looks like one of those wide-bore Softnose Cannons.' Said Commander Root's fuzzy voice, over the intercom

'What? How did they get one of them? Weren't they all destroyed after the Opal Koboi incident?'

'Owe crap. Not another Softnose massacre.'

'I'll handle it.' Said Root'

Root put the inter-com on the Ops room and said

'What the hell do you think you're doing? Your all gonna be demoted to private if you keep doing that! I've got the S.W.A.T. Team ready to blast you're asses from here to Taiwan'

Directly after this, one-hundred elves wearing laser-proof vest with the letters SWAT written on them, burst in, pointing the new Neutrino 3500.

The Neutrino 3500 was an assault rifle with a scope just above the barrel, and a laser sight with target identification and two firing-modes, burst and full-auto. The Neutrino 3500 had a 10cm by 10cm nuclear battery in the handle, and a shoulder strap.

The SWAT team made them stop.

'There, all done. Where's Holly anyway?' Asked Commander Root

'Holly's sick.' Answered Artemis

'Yeah, probably got Fowl germs, ha' said a voice behind them, the door had blown open, and a discarded rocket launcher lay in the corner.

Foaly pressed a button. Lasers came out of holes in the walls and all pointed to the person. Foaly and Artemis spun round to see Captain Trouble Kelp standing behind them.

'Kelp' said Foaly dryly

'Yeah, that's me, and I'm gonna kill you' Said Kelp

'I'm gonna fry down to sub-atomic levels, unless you leave'

'Fine'

Kelp didn't want to leave, he wanted to kill Artemis, but with laser pointing at him, he didn't really have a choice

'How am I going to get back to Holly's place?' asked Artemis

'Here, try my new teleporter thingy.' Replied Foaly

'Teleporter thingy?'

'Yeah. I haven't got round to naming it yet.'

'Whatever, just give it to me.'

Holly's Place

'Hey Holly, check out what I swiped from Foaly.'

'What?'

'A tape'

'Why a tape?'

'It's not labeled'

'Wow, Foaly not labeling his tapes. Three possibilities, one he wants us to find it, two, it's just come in, or three, it's not his.'

'What do you think?'

'Don't know, let's watch it'

'Ok, the players over there. No, no, over there'

Holly and Artemis watched the tape. They wished they didn't. It was of them drunkenly making out and vomiting in the toilet.

'Artemis, did you know that someone broke in yesterday?'

'No why?'

'Because, we now know what they did.'

'They didn't steal, they wanted to spy on us, anyway, what do we know about these tapes?'

'One, someone was spying on us...'

'Two, this isn't Foaly's tape...'

'Three, their cameras are still in here...'

'And if we watch the tape, we'll know where they are.'

'Exactly.'

Holly and Artemis retrieved the cameras from their secret hiding places and examined them. They found that the cameras were C64L cameras, Foaly's new cameras. They decided that they had to get away from Haven City for a while.

'You get the sleeping gear I'll get the food.' Said Holly

Artemis got the sleeping gear.

'Hmmm' Holly thought. 'The only thing in the fridge is beer. But last time I got drunk I kissed Artemis, and I liked it. I mean, we can't go to the shop, the LEP patrols will be there. So I guess it's just beer, and kissing Fowl. Crap.'

Soon Holly and Artemis were at the door, it looked like there was a marathon going on. But the winner was racing garden gnomes, not exactly hard, seeing as garden gnomes have no legs, but it's a lot harder when they've hijacked a scooter. And they're armed with mini spears and knum-chucks

'Come on boys, were gonna bust a cap in his ass.' Said gnome one

'What does that mean Josh?' asked gnome two

'I dunno, I just heard some east-siders saying it.' Replied Josh

'He's been to the East-Side, get him!'

Then all the gnomes attacked the gnome named Josh grinding him into a pile of clay, which would've been OK, if he wasn't the driver. Gnomes were about as smart as goblins, which wasn't very smart.

The gnomes crashed their scooter, right into Police Plaza.

'I know' said Holly suddenly 'We should go to a forest'

'Why?' Asked Artemis

'Duh. Nobody else around'

'Are you hitting on me?''

'NO!'

'Fine'

'Come on, the best is in South Australia'

'Best what?

'Forest, of course'

Z78 Shuttle Port, Haven City, Lower Elements

'Yeah, can I have two one way tickets to please?' Holly asked the attendant ticket sales man, thing

'Ok, that comes to 1 234 gold pieces, cash or credit?' replied the ticket sales thing

'We don't have credit, dumbass.'

'Oh, stupid Smeg, trying to tell me how to do my job. You'll get yours one day.' Mumbled the ticket thing

Forest, Uncharted Island, South Australia, Australia

Artemis and Holly were in a clearing after a 50.09 minute shuttle ride and a 15 minute walk

'This looks like a good place to camp.'

'Yeah, it does. Wouldn't it be funny if there was a giant bear that tried to kill us?'

'That would be funny'

'Anyway, we need to go find some fire wood'

'Ok. I'll go and set up the security system'

Soon Artemis was on his own, setting up the security systems just out side the camp. Later, when Holly got back, with a lot of firewood.

'This 'll burn nicely'

'Yeah'

Then suddenly a giant Whinne the Pooh entered the clearing

'Need Kill, Need Kill' It said

'Oh no' Said Artemis 'I think were gonna die'

'Well duh' Replied Holly

Just then Bambie™ stumbled into the clearing. It looked like it was drunk. It was drunk. The Pooh started trying to kill Bambie™.

'Pooh morph to Whinne the Smeg' yelled the Pooh

'Oh No it's a Chin Poke″mon...' Exclaimed Holly

'And Bambie™ is a Digimon' Finished Artemis

'Bambie Digivolve to... Hitler™' Said Bambie™

Hitler™ was a giant Hitler with an AK47 and a really stupid mustache. Whinne the Smeg was a piece of crap with arms and legs. The Smeg and Hitler™ started fighting, it looked like the Smeg would win, especially because Hitler™ was drunk. But Hitler™ won and beat him by blowing his head off!'

'Hitler™ un-Digivolve to Bambi™' said the still drunken Hitler™

'Hey, what are you doing?' asked Holly, looking at Artemis

'Hunting' Replied Artemis. Hunting wasn't really what he was doing, nobody, I mean nobody, hunts Bambi™ with a rocket launcher. Artemis did. The back half of Bambi™ fell over, it had huge cuts in it, the front half was blown to pieces, many small pieces.

'You blew off Bambi™'s head!' Yelled Holly

'With a rocket launcher.'Retorted Artemis

Holly was so pissed off all she managed to say was 'Snuh'

'Holly, you want some deer?' Asked Artemis

'No'

'But it's nice and tender, and warm'

'Oh, fine. But don't think I'm gonna like it.'

After several minutes of eating Bambi™.

'Wow, that really makes you thirsty' Said Holly 'I'm gonna go get me a drink.'

'Get me one two' Replied Artemis

'Whatever'

Holly checked the tent for drinks, only to find nothing, well almost nothing. Holly found a radio, an open cooler, a rocket and two sleeping bags. Holly's first thought was that somebody had ransacked her tent, then she saw the hoofprints on the ground.

'Bambi™' Whispered Holly. Then Holly realized something: If they got here, then that means Bambi™'s drunk on our beer, which means...

Ops Booth, Police Plaza, Haven City, Lower Elements

'Foaly, have you used your Retigmer on the gnomes yet?' Yelled Root

'No' replied Foaly 'They're still trapped under mounds of rubble'

'Well get them out before I blow them out' Screamed Root, his face going a dark shade of scarlet.

'But, they're, they're'

'No Buts' Root's face, brighter than the sun was shaking uncontrollably

'And find out where Mulch has got to, I can't believe you can't find him!'

'But, Commander, all the arrest warrants are void'

'VOID?'

'Yeah. Void. As in, not valid, wrong, illegal.' After Foaly said this, Root's head exploded!

'Oh no' Said Foaly 'better get the tape'

Root's body was walking into walls and falling over, unable to see, hear or feel anything.

'Better make that Duct Tape'

Forest, Uncharted Island, South Australia, Australia

'Oh Smeg' Swore Holly

Holly had realized that: If Bambie™ is drunk, and we they Bambie™, then they will get drunk. 'Umm Fowl, are you still eating Bambie™?' Asked Holly

'Yeah, so?' Replied Artemis

'It was drunk, right?'

'Yeah, and?'

'Our drinks are gone, taken by either Foaly or a deer. And all we had when we left was Farton Faught.'

'Oh Smeg' Screamed Artemis 'What's Farton Faught?'

'Fairy alcohol'