Chapter 1 Is It Enough?

"Get out" Sark heard himself say, his voice laced with restrained anger.

"I'm not leaving" Sydney stated firmly "I have done nothing wrong and will not leave this room until you understand that."

"Nothing you say will make this situation better right now" he seethed "I can't believe that you would do something so idiotic Sydney. He still would not turn around to face her. He was too angry at the moment.

"Why won't you look at me? She pleaded fruitlessly.

He would not answer her. He knew he could control his rage if he opened his mouth to speak but not the words that would come out in the process. Looking out the picture window in their bedroom was so much better then facing her at the moment.

"What did I do wrong?" Sydney asked, not about to let him get away with acting like a five year old. "I called my father to tell him that you and I were together, that I am ok, I wanted him to know that I am happy here. I just didn't want him to worry, that's all. They will stop looking for me now that they know that I am here willingly, that I want to be here with you." she said exasperatedly. Why won't he look at me, I hate it when he gets like this.

"Don't you see it Sydney? He said quietly faltering when saying her name. "now that they know that your with me they will think that did something to make you stay, that I brainwashed you into believing that you want to be here, that you had no choice. They will not stop looking for you thinking that.

She laughed "that's what you're worried about? I told me father to cover for me and I trust him to do so, he'll tell every one that I took a permanent vacation. I think he would know I am able to protect myself from the likes of you if need be. You could hardly touch me when we were on opposing sides" she joked casually.

"Do you truly believe that you're safe with me? With everything I am still involved in?"

"its not as if I am inexperienced with this lifestyle Sark, I have lived with it most of my life, I know that danger that comes with what you do and I know how to take of myself if it becomes an issue." she stated calmly and professional as if she had been preparing to say that for some time now.

"Are you safe from yourself?" Sark said still looking out the window and now noticing that his reflection was becoming clearer with the setting sun.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you sure that your ready to give up what you want, are you safe from…for the lack of a better word, your desires? I don't think that you realize that by staying here with me you're giving up everything in your life, and everything that you may have had the opportunity to have in your life. You would not be able to see your friends or your father anymore, you will be lonely here." he said with what she thought sounded like sadness in his voice.

"I'll have you" she said coming closer to stand in front of him.

"Will I be enough for you Sydney? He said not looking her in the eyes, his hands remaining in his pockets.

"You've been enough so far haven't you?" Sydney said smiling sweetly pulling at the belt loops on his jeans to pull him closer.

But he did not move. "This is not a joke." He said bringing his gaze to meet hers "you can't stay here with me forever. It will never work." He saw what he said register in her eyes, the uncertainty and the instant question of what he meant, and he wished he could take it back.

She backed away from him and he missed the heat of her body so close to his immediately.

"Why would you say that? Sydney said, barely able to get that out, the shock at his confession still washing over her.

Saying nothing at first Sark looked away wondering why he ever let her know his worries. He did not know why just being in her presence made him say things unsaid even in his own mind. He wanted her stay, wanted her to want to stay. He just didn't want her to regret it and resent him for it later now he could see that she had not thought about it what it would mean to be with him, the full affects of her decisions, of leaving everything and everyone behind.

"Sydney, were just delaying the inevitable eventually you will realize that this is not what you want. You'll want to have a normal life , a family ,lots of friends you'll want dinner parties and birthday parties, vacations and anniversaries, children running around everywhere and you'll want a husband who is around all the time with a normal job like a teacher or something. I can't give you that and I don't think you've taken that to heart yet. Its killing me slowly knowing that one day you will not want to be with me because I can't give you those things." Sark said stopping for a moment to gather his thoughts trying to lie effectively so that she would believe that they were better off without each other. That she was better off without him. He didn't know if he could do it. But then thought that both their worlds were based on lies and partial truths what would one more do?

"We are setting ourselves up for failure. Leave now Sydney. Don't come back" Sark said hoping that the unhappiness in his voice was hidden behind the grim smile on his face; he quickly wiped it away when he saw the contempt in her eyes. Good God could he really do this? Could he really send her away?

"If this was how you felt then why would you not say something earlier! Sydney said raising her voice "how dare you lead me on this far if you had no intention of following thru with any of it. Or was that your plan all along, just to get me to leave the CIA to get me away from my father and the life I had?" Sydney said the anger at his words pricking at her nerves and bubbling forth uncontrollable.

Not about to have her question him Sark said" I Hardly call pining after a married man a life agent Bristow." He should have kept his mouth shut and the resounding slap to his left cheek proved his theory.

Sydney was fuming and was pacing the now semi dark bedroom which was illuminated by the light coming from the adjoining bathroom. She stopped to turn and face him

"Well Mr. Sark at least I was loved." The way she enunciated Mr. Sark with such loathing and animosity almost shocked him, but she was angry and for such an amazing woman Sydney had an angry streak a mile wide that now one should ever be on the receiving end of and Sark found himself in the thick of it.

How he hated himself at that moment, hated how he made her this way thought it was the only way she would leave him willingly. He was hurting her more by wanting her with him, her life was in even more danger now that the CIA would think she was a traitor.

If she returned back then her father would clear it up for her .she could go back to her life like before. Without him.

He saw the decision in her eyes probably before she realized it herself. She was going home. She stood in front of him motionless. Her heart breaking and tears threatening to fall, but her pride kept them in. Sark could see the tears though and he wanted to wipe them away. He was a bit startled when she came closer to him and brought her hand to his face, he flinched thinking she was going to slap him again.

But she kissed him instead. Bringing her lips to his and lightly pressing into him. He was too shocked to move. She had closed her eyes, and then he heard her whisper hoarsely yet with painstaking clarity "kiss me back".

So he did, and he began to feel her tears against his cheeks and he knew he would be scared forever by them, he wrapped one arm around her waist and the other behind her head pulling her closer, and he wanted to feel her warmth warming him. But she pulled away, and he stood breathless and marveled at how broken she looked with her tears falling freely and her now swollen lips. She was sobbing now and she quickly walked out of the room.

Sydney walked thru the house and knew she would miss it horribly. She didn't want to bring anything with her, she would leave it all behind otherwise it would hurt too much to look at.

She stopped at the front door. Unsure of the fact that she could really leave everything they had behind. But she looked around and realized that none of it was real, the illusion of love had been and had fooled her long enough yet she had been content with that, but everything had changed today and not the way she wanted it too. She stood at the door for a full five minutes staring at the doorknob. As soon as she shut the door behind her it was then that she realized she should have told Sark the real reason she called her father that morning.

She was pregnant.