Chapter 2 Is It Enough?

She had been back in LA for a little over a month now her anger slowly subsiding and forming into defeat. Her need for normalcy for a small semblance of a life outside of the one she was now leading was beginning to weaken. In its place was something she was not used to, something dark that hung over her like a rain cloud and soon Sydney realized that it was the feeling of giving in of giving up what she wanted.

She missed him. And knowing that she was pregnant with his child was frightening because she also knew that she couldn't be with him. Everything was difficult just like it has always been and now it was becoming increasingly apparent that she was making a life changing decision involving no longer just herself. She had to tell him. But that truth was terrifying. How would he react? Would he be happy? Or would he be angry, not just at the fact that she didn't tell him but that she wanted to keep the baby? She would not abort it and nothing would make her. Adoption maybe but even that would hurt. To carry a child to full term and then having to give it away to a stranger, not mention the security risks. Someone could find out that she had a baby and use it against her; Sydney knew that she couldn't do it. This could be the only chance she ever had at having a family though incomplete. She would keep the baby, tell the CIA that she quit and then maybe get a chance to live a normal life, thought overshadowed by the life she lead before and the life of the babies father. But she would do it and deciding after much deliberation not to tell Sark, she would be doing it alone.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do Sydney?" Jack asked her while sitting on the bench next to Sydney

"Yes. I have thought about it so much I can't go back to square one. This is what I want to do. I would rather this baby be safe then to be in a family involved with what he does. I was brought up in a family like that." Sydney said and looked at her father lovingly giving him a small smile.

"And I wouldn't change it for the world. This may sound cliché but I wouldn't be who I am today if I wasn't raised like I was, and you I love you and I'm going to miss you but I need to do this for me. For so long I have chased others dreams and this is mine to have a family to have a baby." Sydney said her hand on her stomach patting it affectionately, Her other hand holding her fathers.

Jack turned to face her and said "you're not going to tell him are you?"

"I can't, my worst fear is that he will make me get rid of it. I can't take the chance of him knowing, for all the love I have for Sark for everything we have been thru, he is still Mr. Sark and I know what he is capable of." Sydney said shaking her head "I just don't want to take the chance of him doing anything."

"Sark is a cold blooded killer , yes we know that but even you said that he changed when you were with him , do you really think that he would make you abort this baby syd?"

Sydney looked up at her father smiled distantly "a small part of me says no and then I think back on everything he has done and I freak out even if he doesn't make me get rid of the baby, what if five years down the road this kid is kidnapped and or what if this kid is raised to be like him or even me for that matter, I want this kid to be in the little leagues I want this kid to go to summer camp and to go to sleepovers I want them to go fishing and to star in a school play, what I don't want is another project Christmas I don't want this child to learn how to load a gun when he is seven years old or have to learn how to lose someone if they are being followed by car when they finally get their drivers license at seventeen. This kid is going to be normal dad, and I will damn well make sure of it." Sydney said convincingly.

"Well you have my support and I'll help you with whatever you need." Jack said as he stood up taking Sydney's hand as they walked back to there cars taking there time strolling on the beach.

It was two AM on a Wednesday night and he had been driving for a little over 4 hours now. He didn't know that it was about this tonight or rather about this morning that made him want to stay in motion. The sound of the car humming dullfully in his ears, the tires were gliding over the road creating an illusion of peace of mind.

He missed her and his mind had been anything but peaceful since the day she had left. He had gone back to work having been told to kill a man that stole quite a large sum of money from one of his many allies. He had killed a man today. He had missed today and today was one of those days where he wanted to go anywhere but home. The empty and silent house no longer his escape not longer the calming atmosphere it had become to him.

It was haunted now, with memories of her with memories of them both, right now Sark did not want to face the empty bed or the turned off coffee pot he didn't want to see the clothes hanging in the closet or the perfume on the dresser. But most of all Sark didn't want to face the many questions and many feelings that would come from that tiny plastic pregnancy stick that wrapped in toilet paper in the bathroom adjoining their bedroom.

Most of all Sark did not want to face that.