Chapter Twelve: Lost

I had the dream, but it went all wrong. I was on the beach again, but the water was stormy, the clouds dark and heavy. All the colours were mottled and distorted. The presence came for me, but slapped me across the face. I looked up at it, but their features were obscured and I couldn't make anything distinctive out. All I saw were tears sliding out of their shadowed eyes. I went to wipe them away, but pulled back when I saw it was blood trickling out of their eyes. I got up and the creature lifted a clawed hand and stabbed me in the stomach. And I woke up disturbed to say the least, with my minor injuries itching and aching.

Remembering dreams where you get stabbed is never a good sign.

I felt dazed by the intense nightmare and lay awake from then on – from four a.m. to seven a.m., just mulling over everything that had happened, then I got up and robotically got washed and dressed in a daze. By about eight a messenger from Cid arrived. She was only a junior classman and she timidly knocked and stuttered, "C-cid w-wants to s-see you, S-s-s..." she couldn't finish and I shook my head and motioned for her to leave and she gratefully fled.

I decided that it wouldn't go in my favour to ignore a summon from good old head Cid, so I sourly went up to his office. When I arrived, I moodily banged on the door and didn't wait for a reply. Cid looked decided disgruntled by my rudeness, but softened a little when he saw my slightly aggravated expression as I drew up and chair and sat down with a world weary sigh.

"S'up, Cid?" I drawled, feeling the familiar old Seifer coming back into his element. Cid rolled his eyes and rubbed his grey face tiredly.

"You were present during the fight between Gaia Ferndrake and Wyvern Kohl?" he asked quietly and I fixed my eyes menacingly on him and silently nodded.

He exploded – almost literally, face red like he was going to detonate like a Bomb.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP IT?!" he yelled angrily, pounding a fist on his old desk causing it to rattle. I got up a stretched to my full height and frowned.

"They didn't want me to be involved! I stepped in when it became necessary!" I swished an arm threateningly near his head as I roared and the two of us calmed down and returned to our seats.

"Well, I see you failed to deal with the situation fittingly of a SeeD candidate. You are hereby withheld from the upcoming SeeD exams until I get a full account from Gaia and Wyvern. Dismissed," Cid said finally and I began to get angry again, but tempered myself when I saw Cid's expression – he was ready to throw me out right then and there.

I ground my teeth, clenched my jaw and stomped out with a snarl, slamming the door. I smashed the lift keys to go down. When I reached the ground floor, I went to my room and grabbed Hyperion before heading into the training centre with a livid expression scaring the kids out of my way and paced furiously, bouncing Hyperion across my shoulder.

I could feel myself losing control over the whole ordeal – I didn't have Wyvern to keep me in line. I killed a few Grat's to release some pent up energy and made my way to the Infirmary a little cooler than before. I approached Kadowaki's domain with caution – I really needed to get in and see Wyvern, regardless of whether she was awake or not, I needed to see her.

When I entered, Kadowaki wasn't there, but I did catch Ryden holding Wyvern's hand and watching her intently.

"What are you doing, Fords?" I growled and Ryden let go and stood eyeing me with caution.

"Nothing," he said casually and narrowed his eyes, "I'm not sure Doctor Kadowaki wants you in here yet," Ryden crossed the room and motioned for me to leave and my mouth hardened.

"No, I need to see Wyvern," I stepped past him and Ryden protested.

"Hey! You can't do that! I'm the most senior doctor present here!"

I turned back to face him and shoved my face close to his, baring my teeth disturbingly and growled, "You're not a doctor and you're not ordering me around," and I went to Wyvern's side and looked at her face; I wanted to see she was alright. I very tentatively touched her hand. It was cold and I frowned as I gently held it to warm it up. Her face was ashen and dull without her startling turquoise eyes open to fill her face with life. Her dark blonde hair was fanned around her, the russet tints delicately spread around her face. I brushed a stray piece of hair away from her face and Ryden stood a little uncertainly nearby with a grimace.

"Leave her alone," Ryden said with a hint of threat in his voice and I straightened, deliberately walking slowly towards Ryden with his own narrowed eyes.

"No, you leave her alone. I've seen the way you are with her – you don't even know her!" I raised my voice and I felt the familiar rage boil in my blood.

Ryden held his ground and said through gritted teeth, "You don't know her either! All you did was rescue her – nothing else. You're an animal – you don't have the right to even touch her!" he exploded and I turned away from him and returned to Wyvern's side protectively.

I carefully placed my hand on her still shoulder and knew she was one of a few – maybe the only person who could stop me destroying myself and others around me. This guy was impinging on her – my possible salvation from my stupidity. She could save me from myself, my rages. I haven't been mad hardly at all since she arrived into my arms.

I was hopeless, lost without her and it sickened me to admit it. I looked at her soft, tranquil face one last time and stormed out, leaving Ryden standing in shock as I smashed my shoulder angrily into his.

I mentally cracked – I had had enough of jumping through people's fucking hoops. Total damaged goods at last, a piece of me cackled with a deranged edge. I shoved all my things together, made sure Hyperion was close in one hand at all times and left Garden angrily and walked all the way to Balamb in a temper.

When I arrived, people could see the fury I emanated and backed away from me as I stomped down the street – Hyperion in one hand and my sports bag in the other and my trench coat billowing in the sea breeze.

The receptionist at the Lovely Balamb Hotel faltered over what to say when I demanded a room, restraining myself enough so I didn't smash my fist through the desk. Or her head.

"Y-yes, we h-have a r-room, s-sir," she gibbered and she handed me the key as I shoved some Gil across the desk. I went to my room and flung my bag on the bed and left with my head spinning. One day here, take the train... leave, leave and go far away from here, from crazy bitch Gaia, fucking Ryden with his hands all over... her. Just go and escape from this fucking rat-race – I wasn't cut out for that shit anyway...

You were doing so well...

Yeah, go to somewhere far away, like... Deling. Get a new identity and disappear for good. Let's see fucking Ryden dance with joy and rub his hands together when he finds out I'm gone.

She'll cry, she can help you...

I forced any thought's that could calm me down, or make me see reason deep into the recesses of my mind and had the urge to growl. I was out of control – somewhere inside me I knew that, but I had snapped, had enough, didn't care... except maybe for her.

I went to the train station and bought a ticket for the next day before heading to the docks and sitting at the end, trying to stop myself from thinking altogether. On the other side of the docks sat Finley the fisherman, who gave me a nod, which I returned. People who feed you deserve respect.

I sat and looked out at the stretching lazy azure sea until my burning rage calmed down and left me feeling hollow inside, the passion extinguished. All that remained was a cold, steely resolve to get away and not think about anything or anyone but myself.

Me, just me.

Seifer Almasy and no-one else against the world, not even my old posse.

My jaw was set with rigid, unmoving grit determination to carry out my getaway plan, which I went over a few times in my head, as the thoughts weren't stopping.

Got tickets, go to sleep and tomorrow get on the train and shout 'goodbye suckers!' Laugh gleefully and get off at Deling where hopefully no-one will feel too bad about the whole Sorceress Knight thing. Repeat gleeful laughing...

I sighed and got up. My jaw was beginning to ache from the whole gritting tight thing. I gave it a thoughtful rub and headed back to the hotel, ignoring any suggestion of eating – I was tired out from all that anger, that much rage really takes it out of you. I threw off my clothes and slept in my boxers, just waiting for tomorrow.

Last thing I remember was praying I wouldn't dream about her...