The first four months of school passed in a blur. Everyone was getting used to the idea of Nathan and Haley being married, and they seemed to be doing really well. Things with Dan were starting to slide. He was reverting to his old self - dominating, controlling and an all around pain in Nathan's ass. Dan wasn't stupid enough to criticize Haley in front of Nathan, but he had made his feelings known in subtle ways. It wasn't causing problems for Haley and Nathan, but it was adding stress to Nathan's relationship with Dan. Peyton didn't hear about it from Nathan, but she did from Lucas.
"I know he's riding Nate again Pey and I don't know how to stop it," Lucas said one day over lunch.
"Dan will always ride Nathan. It's his sole purpose in life." Peyton observed with her trademark sarcasm.
"He was so good when he got out of the hospital. I just thought..."
"What? That a leopard really could change his spots? Come on, you aren't that naïve. Nate has Haley now though so Dan's influence isn't such a big deal anymore. It's one of the reasons we like them together. Remember?"
Peyton and Lucas had many conversations about how he felt about the marriage. He vacillated between happiness, anger, confusion, fear...pretty much every human emotion possible.
"I know. Maybe there is a way I can draw Dan's focus to me," Lucas suggested.
"Ya, that's brilliant." Peyton retorted. "Are you crazy? Look, I know you have some deep seeded desire to get to know your father, but he is not a father. The man is a psychopath. He's no Bill Cosby or Ward Cleaver. What makes you think you'd be any better than Nate at handling the pressure? And no offense, but Haley isn't equipped to deal with two guys beaten up by Dan. She has her hands full with Nathan."
"I know Haley talks to you about him...how is it?"
"Nathan or Dan?"
"She talks to you about Dan?" Luke seemed surprised.
"Well she ain't gonna talk to you about him. It's not like Dan has done anything to her. It's just...he makes her feel....I don't know. She can't describe it and neither can I. It's just a Dan thing."
"I wanna protect her, you know?" Lucas offered.
"I know. But she has Nathan for that now. Don't worry about. Focus on something you can fix, like that lazy ass defense I saw last night against Cove City." She teased. It was time to change the subject. Peyton knew from experience that they were heading into dangerous territory. Sometimes Luke had problems trusting Nathan. Ninety-nine percent of the time he knew that Nathan was not only what Haley wanted, but that he was good for her too. The other one-percent of the time, the sixteen years of conditioning to think that Nathan was the enemy came out. Peyton tried to avoid that area whenever possible.
"So how's Jake doing?" Lucas asked letting Peyton change the subject.
"Good. We don't get to hang out much because of the trial, but it should be over in the next couple of weeks."
"Explain that to me again?" Lucas asked.
"His lawyer suggested that he avoid any visible contact with me because it might reflect badly on him at the trial. I was the one who lost Jenny in the mall, which didn't make me seem all that responsible. We still talk on the phone and email. But even at school, we try to keep our distance."
"How is the trial going?"
"Pretty well. The worst case scenario at this point is joint custody. That is the least he will get, but the lawyer seems pretty convinced that he can get full custody. I'm just happy he isn't going to lose Jenny altogether."
"Well, you had some help with that." Lucas smiled.
"How do you figure?"
"If you hadn't thrown that, "get Jake a great lawyer party" he never would have had the cash to fight it. That was a great idea." In October, Peyton and Brooke had been talking about Jake. Peyton couldn't figure out where they stood. Nicki had finally tracked Jake back to Tree Hill and they knew that a court battle was inevitable. They had been hanging out a lot but just as friends. Peyton was OK with that, but they had never talked about the kiss at the docks either, and sometimes it felt like the elephant in the room. Peyton had said to Brooke that she wished she had the cash to give Jake so he could get himself a great lawyer. Brooke came back and said they should have a telethon. Granted, not a brilliant idea but it got Peyton to thinking. She went to Haley and pitched the idea of a party where they would charge admission. They picked a weekend where Deb was out of town and threw a huge party at Nathan's mom's house. Everyone paid ten bucks to get in and they sold drinks at three dollars a pop. No one could refuse an invitation to a party that Nathan and Haley Scott were hosting. They were the defacto king and queen of Tree Hill High and it was, outside of their wedding reception, the social event of the year. They raised almost five thousand dollars. Haley then talked to her brother in Charlotte who had a buddy who was a lawyer, who agreed to take the case for the five thousand. He was really tough and Jake finally breathed a sigh of relief.
"Haley and Nathan really deserve some of the credit for that too. They risked the wrath of Deb to help me out." Peyton replied.
"Ya, but it was your idea."
"And Brooke's. It was a group effort. You were an awesome bartender." She grinned.
"Ya, coming from the guy who only drinks beer, and even then, not so much. I have a permanent reminder from the last time I got drunk." He smiled, referring to his tattoo.
"I know, but you gave it your best effort and hopefully everything will work out for Jake and Jenny."
"What about you and Jake?" Luke prodded.
"There is no me and Jake." Peyton replied. She was stonewalling and he knew it. It was always a crapshoot whether to push her or let her hide behind the walls she so carefully built. He decided to risk her wrath and push.
"Not yet, but I know you'd like there to be."
"I haven't really thought about it." Peyton tried to brush him off.
"Liar. I know you Sawyer, and you've thought about it."
"Look Luke, I know you think you know me, but trust me, you don't. I'm just there for Jake if he needs someone to talk to....kinda like I do for you and for Haley. In fact, the only person I don't do that for is Brooke."
"Why not for Brooke? Is she still pissed at you?" Lucas asked.
"No, we are mostly back to normal. She still has a hate-on for you, but she's accepted that I can be her friend and yours without betraying either one of you. Brooke is just one of those people who doesn't let things bother her. What you see is what you get. The whole thing with the three of us was really out of character for her, but she seems back to her old self. No inner demons, no drama...just Brooke."
"Well I'm glad to hear that." Lucas replied.
Peyton waited expectantly, half hoping that he would ask her again how she was, but the question never came. She had successfully deflected sharing her personal struggle again. She couldn't decide if she was relieved or disappointed. When the bell rang seconds later to signal the end of lunch, they both got up and headed in opposite directions.
Peyton spent her afternoon free period in the library sketching. Haley had come in looking for a book for her biology paper and saw her in the corner. She wanted to go over and see how she was, but at the same time didn't want to disturb her. That night at home Haley and Nathan had a rare evening together. No work, no game, no party.
"Hales, did you get groceries today?" Nathan asked.
"Nope. Thought it might be a pizza night. I had some great tips yesterday at the café." Haley replied.
"Sounds good."
"Nate?" she wanted to ask him about Peyton.
"What?"
"Have you talked to Peyton lately?" Haley asked.
"No, why?"
"I saw her in the library drawing today and she looked...I don't know. I wanted to talk to her, but she seemed so withdrawn."
"Hales, when she is sketching, she's in her own world. You worry too much." Nathan replied.
"I don't think so. Maybe you could go talk to her?" Haley suggested.
"Why don't you? You are the one that is worried about her. Plus, don't you find it a little odd that you would tell me, your husband to go seek out his ex-girlfriend?" Nathan seemed a little huffy with her.
"OK, what did Dan/Lucas/Deb do today?" Haley asked. Nathan was a bit taken aback. Since the beginning of their relationship she could always tell when he was stewing over something that had happened with his crazy family. It was lucky for him that she could, otherwise they might have had some pretty nasty fights. Haley always managed to go right to the heart of the matter. No hiding anything from her.
"Dan is riding my ass about what college I am going to apply to." Nathan admitted. "And I won't even ask how you knew that."
"I knew because generally you are a very good friend and you only get snarky with me when something happens with one of them. Why does Dan care where we go to college?"
"He's pushing for Carolina State like he did."
"I thought you wanted to go to Duke?" Haley asked. Most of their future conversations had revolved around Nathan's desire to play for the Blue Devils. It was close enough to home that he could still see his mom, but it also had a great basketball program.
"I do. But when he is harping for like the millionth time how great Carolina is, I almost want to agree just to get him off my back." Nathan admitted.
"Just tell him to piss off. Or lie, I don't care. He doesn't get a vote in our future Nate. It's me and you now, remember?" She smiled seductively at him.
"I don't know how you do it. Five seconds and you have me feeling a million times better. So you really want me to talk to Pey?" Nathan offered.
"No, you're right, I should do it. I'm just worried."
"It's probably nothing Hales. But if you want, we could invite her over for pizza tonight." Nathan suggested.
"And give up our only night alone? I care, but not enough to sacrifice that. I'll talk to her tomorrow." Haley grinned.
Peyton's dad was out on a job and wouldn't be home for another week. She had rummaged around in her kitchen hoping to find the fixings for dinner but had come up empty. She wasn't all that hungry anyway so she went back to her room and looked for some music to suit her mood. It was definitely a night for some loud, obnoxious tunes. One advantage to having the house to herself was that she could play her stereo as loud as she wanted. As she was putting the CD in, she heard her computer ping. Instant message.
DaddyDearest: you there Pey?
It was Jake. She noticed she had a shirt over the webcam. She pulled up a chair to answer him
Tortured Cheerleader: Yep, lookin for dinner
DaddyDearest: How's that going?
TC: Not so good. Turns out groceries don't buy themselves.
DD: Why don't you come over? I've got lots of food here.
TC: Bad idea. Remember?
DD: Trial is almost over. Can't hurt now.
TC: But what if it did? Could never forgive myself. How was algebra exam today
DD: Are you trying to change the subject?
TC: Maybe...
DD: should I let you?
TC: If you know what's good for you. Hahaha
DD: Jenny's crying. BRB
Peyton took a second to gather her thoughts. She wanted so bad to take him up on his offer for dinner, partly because she had no food and also because she missed being in the same room with him. It was a constant battle between what she wanted to do and what was the right thing to do.
DD: You still there?
TC: yep. Jenny OK?
DD: just fussy. How's this weeks strip coming?
TC: slowly. Not really inspired
DD: Jenny would inspire you. You should come over.
TC: Not having this discussion again. Don't make me sign off.
DD: OK, can't blame me for trying.
TC: when does the judge rule
DD: lawyer figures first week in December so another two weeks. He's ordered another home study for Nikki. Don't know if that's a good sign or a bad one. Trying not to think about it.
TC: You played well last night.
DD: Like you even noticed.
TC: Of course I did. Kinda part of the cheerleader job description – must watch the game and be able to comment on it later.
DD: So watching me play is a job?
TC: A painful one, at least last night (Just jokes).
DD: kinda wish we'd lose. At least then the pressure would be off. Whitey is on this, "I'm undefeated" kick and it's starting to drive me nuts.
TC: Taking a page out of the Scott brothers book?
DD: What does that mean?"
TC: Since when do you stress about basketball?
DD: Takes up less energy than stressing about the rest of my life.
TC: Got it. Anything I can do to help?
DD: Come over for dinner.
Peyton laughed. She had walked right into that one. Jake was persistent. In the beginning he had told the lawyer that Peyton was a part of his and Jenny's life and that he wouldn't give that up on a maybe. Peyton had finally convinced him that it was just a temporary situation. The trial would only take a couple of months and they could always use e-mail and the phone. For the last couple of weeks he had been getting a little more determined to convince her to come over. The trial was almost over and he was feeling more confident. Peyton felt it was better safe than sorry.
TC: You got me. I walked into that one. I'm signing off now. Gotta go find some food. Talk/type later.
Peyton logged off and grabbed her coat and keys. She figured she'd go down to the café and have a bite to eat. Maybe Haley would be there for her to chat with. There weren't any familiar faces at the café when she walked in so she took a booth in the back and ordered a light dinner. She wished she had brought along her sketch book to keep her occupied. She felt around in her pockets and found a substitute – felt pen. She pushed the cutlery and napkin off her place mat and started drawing.
Her waitress placed her sandwich and soup on the table but Peyton barely looked up. In fact, but the time she did notice her food, her soup was ice cold. She got caught up in what she was drawing. Sometimes it was a totally subliminal process. She just cleared her head and put the pen to paper. What she saw when the picture would finally take shape would often surprise her. Tonight was one of those nights. In English class that morning they had talked about a poem called "Not Waving but Drowning". She had drawn a girl, swimming in the ocean waving at an unknown figure on the beach. The caption she had used was "I was much too far out all of my life...". She kinda shook her head, wondering out loud. "What the hell is that?"
"Shouldn't you know?" A voice came from over he shoulder. "You drew it." She turned to see Jake standing there.
"What are you doing here?"
"Same thing as you I suspect, looking for supper." He replied without being sarcastic.
"I thought you had lots of food at home." She smiled.
"Lots might have been a small exaggeration. I have lots of baby food, but no grown up food. I phoned in an order and Mom is watching Jenny while I pick it up."
"You wanna have a seat while you wait?" Peyton offered, gesturing to the chair on the other side of the table.
"Are you sure that's OK?" He teased.
"Very funny Jagielski. If you don't sit down soon, I'm gonna change my mind."
He promptly sat down. "So, what are you working on?" he asked.
"I don't know. Just kinda started sketching and out it came. Happens that way sometimes. Never with my strip when I could use it, but hey...shit happens." Peyton remarked. He smiled in response. She was confused. "What?"
"Nothing." He kept smiling.
"Seriously, you are starting to freak me out. What are you grinning about?" Peyton repeated.
"Nothing. Just smilin. So, are you going to come to court on decision day?" he asked.
"Do you want me to?" Peyton was surprised he asked her.
"Yes. I'd really like to have you there. It would make things...well, I'd just like you to come. If you don't want to I totally understand." He gave her an out.
"No, of course not. I'll be there with bells on." Peyton reassured. At that moment the waitress walked up with Jake's take out bag. He took it from her and handed her Peyton's bowl of soup. "Laura, could you warm this up for Peyton? She got a little distracted." He smiled again. Peyton was sure that no one smiled more than Jake did. And it was rarely a grin, but an honest to goodness smile. She liked it.
"Thanks Jake." She said.
"No problem. I'll call you later OK?"
"I'll be home." She answered.
When Laura brought back her soup, Peyton actually realized she was hungry. Maybe it was because she felt lighter. Jake had a way of easing her load. Peyton could never figure out if he did it deliberately or if it was just the way he was. It wasn't ever something he said specifically, it was just being around him. She both loved and hated that. Loved it because, well, who doesn't like to feel good, but hated it for the same reason. She didn't really know how to be happy. She had been burdened since she was seven. Her comfort zone was being conflicted – it was the only way she knew how to be. But around Jake, she sometimes believed that it might be nice to leave the comfort zone every now and again.
A/N Reviews for the last chapter were less which is OK, but if you hate it, let me know. Flamers are welcomed as much as those who like it. I am always up for honest criticism, but if don't hate it but are lurking, let me know. Reviews keep me inspired. Thanks to those who did leave comments, they really help. Carys