A/N So I just wanted to take a second to thank three readers who have really been amazing, Tardychick, Diane and Malissa, your detailed reviews really keep me going. It's like having my own personal cheering section! so thanks very much. All reviews are great, but you guys have really stuck with me since my first fiction and your praise means a lot. This story is starting to wind down which is probably why I am updating faster. The end is in sight. I also have to thank who ever nominated this story for a TWA, I was on the site today to do some judging and was surprised to find this story there. I know I got a notice about a nomination, but I had no idea it was for this story. it definitely made me smile, so thank you to whoever you are. On with the story - please let me know your thoughts/suggestions. Always - Carys

Jake followed her to the house, not willing to give up that easily. He caught her by the arm as she tried to open the front door.

"Peyton wait. You can't just say that and walk away," he said.

"There is nothing left to say Jake." Peyton replied.

"Yes there is. Look, I didn't want you to freak out, and I'm not looking for a declaration from you. Pey, we've had a really good time together the last seven months, and you can't deny you like spending time with me."

"I don't love you Jake." She stated again. She could see that the words hurt him – he visibly flinched.

"OK. Let's make this a little simpler. Do you like having me in your life?"

"Yes, but..."

"Alright." He interrupted. "Can you see me in your future?"

"Don't ask me that." She replied.

"It's a fair question. Would you cry if I wasn't around anymore?" His frustration was beginning to show.

Peyton thought it was an odd question. She did like spending time with Jake, but would she cry? The only thing Peyton could remember crying over was her mom. She wasn't an emotional type of girl. In fact, she did her very best to avoid all emotional areas. She didn't have a response for him, so she just shrugged her shoulders.

"I guess that's my answer." Jake replied. Peyton walked away again, but this time, he didn't follow her.

The pounding in her head was a gift – it meant the dry heaving had finally stopped and she was into phase two of the hangover from hell. Peyton decided either she needed to drink more often and develop a normal human tolerance, or she needed to stay away from alcohol for the rest of her life. Upon further thought she was pretty sure she had promised God the latter at some point in the previous evening.

"Here, take these." There was another voice in Peyton's head. She half opened her eyes to see Brooke standing over her with her hand outstretched. "Come on, take them. They will help with the headache."

Peyton took the Advil and water that Brooke offered her. She painfully lifted her head off the pillow and did as she was told. As soon as Brooke took the glass from her, she promptly flopped back down.

"You should get up and shower, you smell like shit." Brooke said. She walked across the room and tore open the curtains, letting in the too bright sunlight.

"Brooke, give me a break here. My head is pounding like crazy."

"I am giving you a break. If I wasn't giving you a break I wouldn't even be here." Brooke said, hands on her hips.

Peyton propped herself up in bed. "What are you talking about?" She was clearly confused.

"How many get out of jail free cards do you think you get? I mean the actual Monopoly game only has two and you've used more than that in the last year." Brooke said.

"What?"

"Look, this is seriously the last time I am cutting you any slack. Despite all your declarations that you and Jake were just hanging out, I know that the break up bothers you. I mean, you proved that it bothers you by mainlining tequila last night, but so help me god Peyton, if you go after Lucas again...all bets are off. Got it?" Brooke stated firmly.

Peyton desperately tried to recall the events from the past evening. It slowly started to shift into focus. Jake telling her he loved her...her own blunt response...many many shooters...kissing Lucas. "Oh God," Peyton gasped. She had kissed Lucas, and Jake had seen it happen. She could see the look on Jake's face like it was happening in front of her all over again. "What was I thinking?" she thought.

"Oh God is right. What were you thinking?" Brooke asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"I don't know. I wasn't." Peyton admitted, still feeling shell-shocked.

"Well, it's time to start thinking again. You need to get your ass out of bed and go talk to Jake. And you need to figure out why you did it before you get there."

"I don't know if I can do that." Peyton replied.

"Which part? The thinking or the talking?" Brooke asked smartly.

"Both...all of it. What am I supposed to say? Jake, honey, sorry I kissed Lucas after you told me you loved me, but I was really drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time? Somehow I don't think that is going to help." Peyton said sarcastically.

"Not exactly the words I would choose, but you gotta find your own voice." Brooke half smiled.

"I'm so sorry Brooke...about Luke."

"You should be. Don't get me wrong, I am so over him, but we made a promise – ho's over bro's and then you get hammered and start making out with the devil." Brooke said. Peyton gave her the "gimme a break look". "OK, so maybe he's not the devil, but after everything we went through last year...I just figured we'd both stay away from that drama."

"I don't like Luke that way Brooke, and even if I did, you know you are more important to me than any guy." Peyton assured her.

"So what happened with Jake?" Brooke asked softly. She knew that Peyton meant what she said so she quickly flipped from angry to understanding, sensing that Peyton needed a little understanding at that moment.

"I don't know."

"Do you know any other phrase besides I don't know?" Brooke teased.

"Possibly," Peyton smiled. "Things with Jake were just getting...intense. I am so not ready for intense."

"Peyton, I hate to break it to you, but everything with you is intense. You need to talk to Jake."

"I can't. I don't love him Brooke. And it just wouldn't be fair to him to stay in this relationship when he feels something for me that I can't feel for him." Peyton was quiet for a moment and Brooke didn't say anything. Peyton threw off the covers. "You're right....I do smell like shit. I'm going to shower and then do you want to get some breakfast?" Peyton asked.

"Sure." Brooke replied.

It was an odd choice of words, "I can't love him." At the time, neither Brooke nor Peyton picked up on it, but later Peyton would look back at this moment and realize that phrase signaled the beginning of her fall.

Peyton avoided Jake, Luke, Nathan, Haley and Brooke for the majority of the summer. She worked on her sketches and went with her dad on his boat for days at a time. Anything to escape the mess she had made. She didn't know how to fix it or even if she wanted to. It could have been an opportunity to change the things in her life she didn't like, but instead Peyton used it as an excuse to hide out from the world and withdraw more into herself.

In the last month before school started she hadn't seen anyone at all. She still talked to Brooke but mostly because Brooke was tenacious and would show up at her house without knocking or calling. She always made the effort to be happy and smiling when Brooke was there, but at the same time always had a perfectly good reason why she couldn't come out with her. Haley had tried calling a few times, but after no response, she too let it slide. Peyton didn't have to avoid Lucas or Jake – neither one had called, e-mailed or showed up at her door. She was both thankful and saddened by it.

Inevitably, when you are trying your damndest to wallow in your own self pity, the universe kicks in and reminds you that there are other, bigger problems in the world. Peyton's wake up call came the day before school started. She had just dropped off her strip at Thud magazine and was looking forward to going home to watch an old John Hughes movie on cable. When she pulled into her driveway she saw Luke's car parked in front of her house.

"Hey," Luke said as she approached the front door.

"Hey. What are you doing here?" She asked apprehensively.

"You haven't seen or heard from Haley have you?" Lucas asked.

"No I haven't. But then I haven't been in touch with anyone for a while." Peyton said.

"I know. I had to try though." Luke replied.

"What does that mean?" Peyton was intrigued.

"Haley's gone." Luke stated.

"What do you mean, Haley's gone? Like on vacation?"

"No, like gone permanently. All her parents would say was that she wouldn't be in school this year." Luke said.

"What?"

"Ya, Nathan came home about a week ago and Haley had left him a note that she was leaving. No forwarding address, no reason why." Luke explained.

"That doesn't sound like Haley." Peyton offered.

"I know, but it appears to be true. Her parents aren't telling anyone where she has gone, not Nathan, not even me."

"How is Nathan doing?" Peyton asked immediately concerned.

"Not good. I don't know what to do Pey. He's distraught...and not letting anyone into the apartment."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Not really. He calls me every morning to see if I've heard from her, but as soon as I say no, he hangs up the phone. I'm worried."

"I don't know what to tell you Luke. The only person Nathan ever really opened up to was Haley. I can't see how I could be of any use to you." Peyton explained.

"You already have – just listening. You are really good at that Pey." Lucas replied. "Maybe though you could try? Talking to Nathan? He might let you in the door."

"I seriously doubt that."

"Could you just try? I'm really worried. You know I wouldn't have come here unless I had tried everything else." Lucas pleaded.

Peyton knew he wasn't lying – it took a lot for him to come to her. Things were beyond strange for them. And as much as she wanted to avoid everything that had happened, you just didn't abandon your friends when they needed you. And from the sounds of it, Nathan needed someone. "OK. I'll try."

"He's home now. Do you want me to drive you over?" Lucas stood up.

"No, I can drive myself." She replied.

"Call me as soon as you get back?"

"I will."

"I can't thank you enough Peyton. After everything that has happened between us...well you have no reason to go out on a limb for me." Lucas shoved his hands deep in his pockets, looking at some spot on the ground intently. Peyton didn't know how to respond to that. She wasn't sure what exactly he was referring to. Luke picked up on her confusion. "After you and Jake broke up, I should have been there for you. You've always been there for me and I just let you disappear for the last two months. That wasn't right."

"Luke, it's not your fault. And it was my decision to be alone. And let's not forget, I kissed you." She attempted to joke.

"Have you talked to Jake?" Lucas asked.

"No." Peyton had no desire to elaborate. Luke took the hint and made her promise again that she would call after she saw Nathan. As soon as he left, Peyton got back into her car and drove over to Nate and Haley's apartment.

She rang the doorbell a few times before Nathan answered. She had wondered on the drive over what shape she would find him in, but she wasn't prepared for what she saw when he finally opened the door. It was obvious that he hadn't showered for days and the bags underneath his eyes were deep enough to plant flowers in. It was as if his heartbreak was emanating off him in waves. She could feel it just by looking at him.

"Hey Nate," she said while sliding her foot into the doorway so he couldn't slam it on her.

"Have you seen Haley?" He replied.

"No, I haven't." Before the last syllable left her mouth he was trying to close the door, but she was too quick for him and pushed past him into the living room.

"Peyton, I'm not in the mood for company." He said, his voice dangerously low.

"Nice to see you too." She replied smartly.

"Get out." Was all he said, still holding the door open. She sat down on a nearby chair in response.

"Look, I know I haven't been around very much this summer, but I still care about what happens to you. You look like shit. What is Haley going to think when she sees you." Peyton asked.

"Haley is gone." Peyton suspected it was the first time he said those words out loud.

"Maybe...or maybe not. Either way, you need to pull yourself together."

"I don't need to do anything, except find my wife."

"While I agree that is a good idea, you also need to pry yourself out of this apartment. Preferably showering first."

"She's gone." He said. Peyton didn't immediately reply, feeling like there was more to that sentence. In a few moments, he spit out the rest. "And I don't know why."

"Maybe she's just going through some stuff and needs some space to figure it out." Peyton suggested.

"Well, maybe if you hadn't disappeared for two months she would have had someone to talk to and she wouldn't have left." He was spitting pure venom at her. His eyes flashed with anger. Peyton realized immediately what he was doing – lashing out at the nearest available target.

"Well, I needed some space to figure things out too." She offered.

"What's to figure out – you ripped Jake's heart out because you got drunk." Nathan spat at her.

"Nathan, I know you are hurting, which is why I'll forget what you just said."

"Ya, I'm hurting...but I'm not lying. If you really thought you hadn't done anything wrong, you wouldn't have disappeared for the last two months. And when you disappeared, you left quite a mess in your wake Peyton. A mess that Haley had to clean up."

"I never asked her to." Peyton replied quietly. It was becoming increasingly difficult not to take his words personally.

"Ya, but that's what Haley does...did." Nathan still hadn't moved from the door.

"She's not dead Nathan." Peyton snapped.

"I don't know that, do I? And it's all your fault." He was nearly yelling at her. "Get out of here Peyton. I won't be responsible for my actions if you don't."

Peyton wanted to help, but she also didn't want to get her ass kicked so she got up and left. She drove straight to the café, hoping to find Lucas there. She was in luck and found him behind the counter. His face looked hopeful the instant he saw her.

"What happened?" he asked immediately.

"Sorry Luke. I tried, but he is just not talking right now. Maybe if you give him some time, he'll come around." Peyton offered.

"How did it go?"

"Not good. Since when did you start working here?" She asked changing the subject. She didn't want to go into the details with Lucas.

"Mom was shorthanded with Haley gone, so I'm just filling in." Lucas explained. He caught Peyton looking around anxiously, as if it was just occurring to her that Jake might be there. "He's not working today."

"Who?" Peyton pretended to not know who he was referring to.

"Jake. School starts in two days Peyton – you are going to see him everyday. Don't you want things to be at least civil?" Luke asked.

"Are things civil between you two?" Peyton shot back.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, they are. We talked about it and we are both OK with it." Lucas admitted. Peyton was more than a little surprised by that. But then Jake was always good with putting things into perspective. It was one of the reasons she liked hanging out with him.

"Well.." she stammered, "I'm glad. For you I mean."

"So, what are you listening to right now?" Lucas couldn't bear to see her so uncomfortable so he changed the subject. He figured if they stuck to neutral, safe topics that maybe she would relax a little and eventually open up. They talked about music and new bands for a few minutes and then Peyton made her excuses and left.

She went home to an empty house, which she normally relished but tonight it just gave her time to think about everything that had happened. Nathan had been partly right; she did feel guilty about what had happened. The weird thing was, she didn't feel guilty for the obvious reason – the kiss, but for reacting so badly when Jake told her he loved her. She was unnecessarily cruel. Jake had done nothing but be there for her, and she had needlessly stomped on his heart. And even though she knew Nathan had lashed out at her because of the pain he was feeling, she felt like she deserved it. Lucas had been entirely too understanding, even nice to her. She didn't deserve nice, she deserved to be publicly flogged. That night she couldn't sleep, all she could think was that she really did deserve the bad things that happened to her. She had hurt her best friend, she had hurt Jake, she abandoned Haley...her karma was coming back to bite her in the ass.