New Chances
By Rikki
It was late at night. Somebody was sitting in the dark mess hall, thinking. Thinking about the past two months and about the things that had happened before. Two months with the same procedure every day. Getting up, going to duty and afterwards sitting in the dark mess hall, thinking.
Kathryn Janeway was thinking. Now, two months after Kashyk had left Voyager, she was still thinking about what could have been. The memory of the time with him was still vivid, the times they had spent just talking and the times they had kissed. God, it had felt just wonderful to feel as a woman again. To be a woman, attractive and sexy.
But somehow, it hadn't felt right. There was something missing with him. Kathryn couldn't tell what it was then. Now she knew. She had never really trusted Kashyk. There had always been this little voice inside her mind telling her to be careful, not to give her heart away too easily. But she had refused to listen.
And now? Where was she now? Sitting in the dark mess hall, thinking about her broken heart. 'This is really great! Kathryn Janeway, the proud captain of the Federation starship Voyager lost in the delta quadrant, is crying over her broken heart!' she thought. At the moment, she didn't feel proud at all. It still hurt. She had been betrayed by someone she had trusted completely. Nearly completely. Nearly? Well this was exactly the point. This and ... and the fact that there was another person aboard this ship she cared for very deeply. Someone who was just out of reach.
Kathryn was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear the doors swish open. Tom didn't see her at first, only when his eyes had adjusted to the darkness he could make her out sitting in front of the window.
"Couldn't sleep?" Tom stepped closer after he picked up some fruit from Neelix's kitchen.
"How about you?" Kathryn avoided the question not wanting Tom to know about her problems.
"Oh, well, ... I guess it's never easy to find some sleep after breaking up a relationship." Tom shrugged. Somehow, he seemed to sense what was wrong with Kathryn. But after all, it had always been this way.
"You ... broke up your relationship with B'Elanna?" Kathryn looked at Tom with disbelief. This just couldn't happen. They had been happy together. At least, Kathryn had thought so.
"Actually, we separated in peace. We just sensed that there was something wrong in our relationship." In fact, Tom wasn't too sure himself what was actually wrong. It had just felt not right.
"I'm sorry." Kathryn looked at Tom. He could tell she really was sorry for him. But why was she here? She had evaded his question.
"So, it's your turn now to tell me what's bothering you." The usual cocky grin was back in Tom's face. But he knew only too well what effect it always had on Kathryn. Her defences seemed to fall slowly.
But it was so difficult to tell someone what she felt. She hadn't talked with anybody about her time with Kashyk, not even Chakotay.
After a long pause Kathryn slowly let out her breath. She trusted Tom, and he had never failed to lighten up her mood. Perhaps it would work tonight, too.
"Kashyk." Somehow, Kathryn knew there were no more words necessary. Tom would know the whole story. Miraculously, he had always been able to read her moods and even her thoughts and say just the right thing.
"You really loved him, didn't you?" Tom sat down next to her. He knew this was going to be a longer talk. Kathryn just nodded.
"It's hard to lose someone you love. But you know I really think he was just using you. Even though he might have made you happy for some time." Carefully, Tom put his hand on Kathryns shoulder, somehow afraid to touch her as though she would reject his comfort.
"At this time, I thought he made me happy. But now, I've realised that there was still something missing. I just couldn't trust him. Not as I trust ... you." Saying this, Kathryn blushed slightly but managed to keep her eye contact with Tom.
Gratefully, he squeezed her shoulder. He felt lucky that she confided in him. Normally, she would just talk to Chakotay about her private life.
"Care to join me for a walk on the holodeck?" Tom thought a change of place might help a little.
"Thank you but not tonight. I think I will go to bed now. It's late." Kathryn padded Tom's hand and stood up.
Tom looked at his captain. She was such a fragile little person. It seemed impossible to him that someone would hurt her on purpose.
"Good night captain. Sleep well." Tom stood up as well watching her as she left. After the doors had closed Tom looked at the fruit he had picked up earlier. He wasn't hungry any more so he put it back to the kitchen and left the mess hall. He could as well try to catch some sleep.
Some days later Tom was walking through Voyager's corridors. Even though he was missing B'Elanna he knew that it was just better this way. They were still very close with each other, talking and spending parts of their sparetime together.
At the moment, Tom was on the way to his quarters. He had just left B'Elanna and Chakotay in the observation lounge where they had spent the evening listening to Harry playing the clarinet. But now, B'Elanna and Harry seemed to get along very well with each other. They always had but now, well actually they were getting a little closer.
Tom was still thinking when he recognised that there was somebody standing right in front of him. Too late, he bumped right into him. Fortunately, the other one managed to find his balance. After having a closer look Tom saw that it was his captain.
"I'm sorry, Captain. I just wasn't looking. Are you alright?" Testingly, he laid his hand on her shoulder as if to make sure that she really was okay.
"Yes, it's okay. I wasn't too attentive myself." There was a shy smile on her face. She looked as if she had been crying before.
"Well, then let me invite you for a drink on the holodeck. As a compensation for this little excitement." Tom grinned and held his arm for her.
She took it gratefully, and laughed.
"Sounds good to me. And, to be honest, that's exactly what I need at the moment."
"Then I'm all yours." Tom led her smiling to the turbolift and ordered it to the holodeck. Somehow, he was really happy that he had ran straight into her.
Arriving at the holodeck Tom opened the file for Sandrine's. At the moment, it was the most appropriate program available. Comfortable surrounding, good music, cool drinks. And Sandrine who always knew when her presence was needed and when not.
Tom and Kathryn both took a seat at the bar. In the background you could hear an old song from earth.
"That's Frank Sinatra unless I'm much mistaken." Kathryn listened a moment more intensely, trying to figure out if she was right.
"Yeah, it is. It's "Strangers in the night"," Tom said, having a glance towards Kathryn. "Somehow, it seems to fit to our situation."
"I don't think you would call us strangers." Kathryn looked at him, smiling. She really enjoyed Tom's presence. She always had. Somehow, it was always comfortable to sit with him just talking. He knew, being a fleet brat himself, that even captains are just human under their uniforms.
In the meantime, Sandrine had placed a glass of red wine in front of Kathryn and a beer in front of Tom. Kathryn took her glass.
"Well, to lost loves!" Tom picked up his glass for a toast. Kathryn just smiled and sipped from her wine.
"How do you feel?" Kathryn had put her glass back down on the table and looked at Tom.
"Not so bad. At least, not as bad as I had thought I would. But on the other hand, I guess it's just better this way." He looked down on his hands.
"Afterall, B'Elanna and I enjoyed the time together very much but it was more like a very close friendship than a relationship between lovers. You know, spending time together, having fun but no talking." Somehow, Tom managed to grin but Kathryn could see the pain in his eyes.
"And how about you, Captain? Feeling any better" Carefully, he took her hand into his.
"I'm not sure." Kathryn just didn't know how she felt. At the moment, she just felt numb. There were no emotions at all, save the hurt and perhaps a pang of loss. But that was all. And then there was Tom, having separated himself just some days ago and asking how she felt.
Tom looked at Kathryn. She seemed to be lost in thought for a moment. And she looked so beautiful. At this moment, Tom realised what a beautiful and attractive woman she was. It was strange that he didn't notice before. But then again, he thought he had known all the time, from the moment she approached him back in Auckland. That sunny day in the penal colony.
"Care to dance, Captain?" Tom came back to reality, realising he was daydreaming about his captain in her presence.
Kathryn looked up.
"Well, ...uhm, yes, why not. And please, call me Kathryn when we're off duty." She wasn't all too sure whether this was right or not, just that she enjoyed Tom's company as she had always done. And a dance with a friend couldn't hurt, could it?
The music playing currently was something slow, 20th century earth she guessed even though she didn't recognize it.
Tom led her to the dancefloor. The pool table had been deleted so that there was enough space to dance. He put his arms around her, careful not to invade her private space. But she moved closer nearly immediately they had started dancing. Tom really liked the feeling of her small body pressed against his. It felt ... a little bit like home. He saw that Kathryn had closed her eyes, head resting against his chest. He closed his eyes as well and enjoyed the feeling of holding her so close.
Kathryn enjoyed the feeling of being held again. It had been so long since a man had done that with her. And with Tom, she just felt safe, like nothing could ever hurt her. Like he would never hurt her.
After what seemed like eternity, the music stopped playing. They both opened their eyes again, not really willing to come back to reality.
"That was wonderful, Tom." Kathryn looked at him with one of those genuine Kathryn Janeway-smiles on her face. Tom could tell that she was really happy for the first time in months. Somehow, he didn't know what to say.
"Yeah." He looked at her, carefully raising his hand to caress her cheek.
She stiffened a little at the touch but she didn't pull away. Instead, she just covered Tom's hand with her own.
"Thank you for this wonderful evening. But ... you know, early shift tomorrow." She smiled and finally pulled hesitantly away.
"I know. I'll walk you to your quarters." Once again, Tom offered her his arm which she took with a warm smile. She liked being courted this way. It might seem a little old-fashioned but it was very cute. Especially from a man like Tom who used to be so cynic and cold at the beginning of their journey.
The few crewmembers they met on their way to Kathryn's quarters looked at the couple with a mixture of wonder and joy. Somehow, everyone aboard had sensed that their captain wasn't happy during the last period of time, and they were glad to see her smiling again.
When Tom and Kathryn finally arrived in front of her quarters they fell silent.
"Thank you for this wonderful evening, Tom." Kathryn looked at him and smiled. Indeed it had been a wonderful evening. The time they used to spend together on the holodeck before Tom started courting B'Elanna was just like this. Now, it seemed that everything was just going back to that. Well, not everything.
"We should really do this more often." Tom caressed her cheek, shyly and carefully, not wanting to destroy the closeness they had felt the whole evening. Kathryn just nodded. She liked the feeling of his skin on hers. It felt ... familiar and then again completely exciting.
"How about dinner tomorrow?" Tom didn't want to push her too much but on the other hand, he felt like he couldn't stand to be kept away from her – in matters of private time – so he just had to ask.
"Sounds wonderful. My place?" Kathryn's heart started beating a little faster at the prospect of spending another evening with Tom. Anyway, it sounded a lot like a date, and that was something she had desired for a very long time even though she wasn't ready to admit it until now.
"I'll bring the food. You take care of the wine. 1900 hours?" Tom blushed a little. It was just too good to be true. He had to be dreaming. He had just asked Kathryn Janeway for a date, and she had agreed! Unbelievable.
Kathryn smiled in agreement and then turned to key in her codes in the pad at her door. It whooshed open. She turned again ... and kissed Tom goodnight on the cheek. She smiled again at his surprised look and entered her quarters.
"Good night, Tom." Finally, the doors closed behind her.
"Good night ... Kathryn." Tom just said to the closed door. It was really amazing. The woman of his secret dreams first agreed to a date and then kissed him, even if it was just a peck on the cheek. Sometimes, life was good, Tom decided and left for his own quarters.
Alone in her quarters, Kathryn was wondering whether she had done the right thing. God knows, she loved Tom since the first day they met in Auckland. He had looked at her in his at that time usual arrogance but somehow she was able to see through. Until now, she had always considered Tom just a dream, having him as a friend was wonderful but now it seemed very much that he liked her as well. In a way a little different from friendship.
"Well Kathryn, calm down!" Kathryn smiled to herself. She was excited as a teenager about this date. And so she went to the bathroom to take a long bubble bath, all the way humming the melody of "Strangers in the night" before she went to bed, sleeping deep and well for the first time in months.
The End