Change is painful. It doesn't matter if happens slowly or in a single moment. Change is painful and scary. Peyton knew exactly when her first big change happened – the day her mother died. The girl that came out of that tragedy was scared. She was scared of so many things; the biggest was her fear of letting anyone really close to her again. It was the sole purpose for the wall she had built around herself. It was about self-preservation. She didn't believe she could survive another loss like that. Skeptics would say that a seven-year-old could not have the presence of mind to make such a decision, that kids were resilient, and they would be partly right. It was never a conscious decision for her, it was instinct. Don't let people close enough to hurt you – it was her mantra. It was the foundation she had built her life upon. And she was happy in her own way. It's not like she cut herself off entirely – she had good friends, and a good life. It is possible to live your life with surface emotions, a smile can grace the face without ever touching the heart – and Peyton had built the biggest wall around her heart. To look at her from the outside no one would ever guess that in the last ten years, nothing had touched her heart. She was beautiful, popular, talented with lots of friends and a great dad...the recipe for a perfect life. But looks were deceiving and Peyton counted on that deception. She put on a show every day. At first she was surprised at how easy it was but she discovered early on that most people want to talk, very few want to listen. It worked well for her. But in the dark of night, when her energy to keep that shield up was waning, she felt things deeply. Mostly sadness and pain and an emptiness that would not go away. So she kept herself busy – with art, music, school, cheerleading, friends, anything to avoid self-reflection. It was so much easier to look at someone else's life and problems and find solutions. In the beginning she had been afraid to look at her own life, but as time passed, she found that she didn't want to. And then she kissed Jake. It was a single moment...one of millions in her life, but it was the start of her biggest change. People always said she was an enigma – they couldn't figure out why she was the way she was. Smiling but distant, surrounded by people yet still aloof. It wasn't that people didn't see her act, they just chose not to acknowledge it. When someone asks, "how are you?" they are rarely looking for an answer deeper than, "Fine, how about you?". Peyton didn't offer, and no one pushed – no one until Jake. And even then, it wasn't pushing. Jake managed to sneak in under her radar. And that was why she had to push him away, why she couldn't let herself love him. Because if she did, she'd be opening herself up to pain again. And so the moment she realized he was getting behind her wall, she ran.

High school is all about drama – things are infinitely more intense and powerful. It's all about the highs and lows, there is rarely middle ground. Peyton, Jake, Nathan, Lucas, Haley and Brooke had all experienced it first hand over the past two years. And they went through it together. Once into crisis mode, you run on pure adrenaline – it's all about being there for your friends, comforting those you care about, making mistakes and fixing them. And when you are in the moment, you feel like you can run like that forever. It's all about functioning. Truth be told, Peyton probably would have been fine if Lucas and Nathan were still falling apart at the seams, or Jake was having problems with Nikki, but they were finally doing OK. Brooke was busy with her new guy, Luke and Nathan were spending a lot of time together, and outside of school, Peyton hadn't seen Jake. Left to her own thoughts, Peyton's walls started to crumble. She started to feel things she had worked very hard to bury. She tried the usual distraction methods - bar nights, throwing herself into cheerleading, music, school and her art, but none of it worked. And she was lonely – in the most horrible of ways. Peyton felt alone all the time – even when surrounded by people. It was an ache that would not go away. She has always enjoyed her solitude, but this was different. This physically hurt. She had spent the majority of her life building a very solid wall to hide behind and Jake had put a crack in it. He did it so quietly that she didn't even feel it happen. And even though she had pushed him away the damage was done. He was in there as much as she didn't want him to be.

Peyton's fall was gradual. It started out with the little things - she skipped after game parties, she made excuses why she couldn't go to the mall with Brooke for their regular Saturday ritual. Then she started missing school finding herself unable to be around people. They made her feel claustrophobic, like the air was being sucked out of the room. When people would try to touch her, whether it was for a hug or just bumping shoulders in passing, it felt like she had been burned. The weight of ten years of avoidance was crushing her, and every feeling and problem she had pushed to the back of her head to deal with later, came flooding out. There was a big difference between avoiding feelings, and not having them. She used to feel safe but now she felt raw and exposed all the time. It was like she was overdosing on emotion. Everything descended at once and it was too much for her to process – instead of burying her feelings, they buried her. She went from content behind her walls, to numb. Peyton wasn't drawing, she wasn't going to school, she wasn't doing anything except hiding in her room staring into space.

It occurred to Jake after a basketball game, that Peyton hadn't been on the sidelines that night. When he actually thought about it, he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen here there. He stopped Brooke on the way out of the gymnasium.

"Where's Peyton?" he asked.

"Sick." Brooke answered.

"Sick how?"

"I don't really know. I haven't talked to her since..." Brooke had to think about it for a second, "wow, I think it's been a couple of weeks. I've been really busy."

Jake caught up with Nathan and Lucas in the locker room. After Whitey finished his post-game breakdown, he sought them out.

"Have you guys talked to Peyton recently?" Jake asked them both.

"Not in a while. Brooke said she's been sick." Lucas replied.

"How about you Nate?"

"I haven't seen her since...I don't remember. She's in my chem class, but..."

"Peyton dropped chemistry like two months ago." Jake interrupted.

"Sorry," Nathan retorted. "Been kinda busy with my own stuff ya know."

Jake wasn't mad at Nathan. He was mad at himself. How could Peyton have disappeared for two weeks, maybe more and he didn't notice? Instinctively he knew something was wrong. He quickly showered, called his parents to say he'd be late coming home, and went in search of her.

It took him a few tries to find her. She wasn't at home, or at the river court. They hadn't seen her in the café for weeks, so he tried one last place. It was a long shot, but he decided to try the cemetery. If he remembered correctly, it was around this time of year that her mother had passed away.

He found her sitting alone on a bench. It was pitch dark, not even a streetlight was on, but he knew it was her. He walked up with his hands in his pockets. She didn't even look up; she seemed to be just staring into space. She was in her pajamas and her hair hadn't been washed in days. She looked defeated.

"Is this seat taken?" he asked. She flinched, but didn't look at him. After a few seconds of silence, he sat down next to her. "I don't know why you think you have to do this alone." Jake said softly.

"What are you doing here?" she asked in a monotone voice.

"You haven't been in school. It's been three weeks since your strip ran, I thought you could use some company."

"I'm fine." Peyton gave her standard answer.

"You are not fine." Jake said. "And you're not alone Peyton." He repeated.

"Maybe I am."

Her tone scared him. He desperately wanted the sarcastic, flippant Peyton that he knew and loved. "But you don't have to be. We are all here for you, we just don't know how to help you Pey. I don't know how to help you." Jake said.

"You can't."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Did something happen?" He asked.

"What hasn't happened? I mean take a look at our little group Jake. We have gone through so many things in the last two years – marriage, custody cases, disappearances, breakups, makeups. It's insane. All this drama has made me tired." Peyton replied.

"But things are better now Pey. Nate and Luke are playing basketball again, and acting like brothers, Brooke is happy with her new guy, I've got full custody of Jenny..." Jake listed.

"Don't you think I know all that? It just makes it worse."

"Makes what worse?"

"How I feel."

"What do you feel?"

"Nothing." She took a deep breath. "I've spent so many years hiding, using my fear to protect my heart, and now – it's like all those walls and shields are gone. I don't know where they went but I need them. I don't know how to protect myself without them."

"Protect yourself from what?" Jake asked.

"Everything...you." She stated.

"I don't understand." Jake was confused.

"Before you, I was content with my life. Everything was even, and normal and easy. I mean, ya, people said I was distant, and I probably was. But not letting people in, it kept me safe – it kept me happy. Then you came along, and you changed that. Now I feel so many things that they have all merged into this numbness that I can't shake. I want my life back. I just want to feel something normal again, something besides this emptiness. I just...I don't know to get there. I can't feel anything. I can't love you Jake, I am not capable of that kind of feeling – and you deserve someone who is. I don't feel things the way other people do Jake."

"Sure you do."

"Why would you say that?" Peyton snapped.

"Because I know you." He responded.

"You keep saying that, but what do you really know? You know exactly what I want you to know." The volume of her voice was growing.

"Bullshit. I know you. How do you think I found you here?" He shot back.

"Tree Hill isn't that big Jake. It would take you all of what? Half an hour to drive around town? You think you are so smart. You don't know anything about me! No one does!" She was yelling now.

"Not even your mother?" Jake pushed the final button.

"Don't you dare talk about my mother! She was an amazing woman..."

"Who abandoned you." Jake interrupted, pushing farther still.

"Fuck you!"

"You're really mad now aren't you?" He was half smiling.

"I hate you!" She screamed.

He leaned in so that his nose was a hairs breadth away from hers. "You feel that don't you? It's called anger – it's one of those normal feelings you were talking about. So if I have to stay in your face for the rest of your life and piss you off just so you feel something normal, I will." He said.

"Why are you doing this to me?" She wailed softly.

"Because I care about you. Look, I can't make this better for you. I wish I could but I can't. All I can do is promise that I'll be there every step of the way, holding your hand. But you have to take the first step..."

After a few moments of silence, Peyton began to talk. "I'm a good listener. Did you know that? I listen to people talk about what is bothering them and it's always crystal clear to me what needs to be done. I'm proud that I helped Nate and Luke, and that I was there for you during the trial. These are things that I am good at."

"You listen to other people so you don't have to talk." Jake said.

Peyton was momentarily surprised by his statement. "How do you do that?" She finally asked.

"Do what?"

"Just reach right into my soul and pull out the answers."

"I know you think you are this complex person, who puts on a good show, but I was never fooled. I know you Peyton Sawyer. I know all your tricks."

"I don't know how to be this person Jake. I feel this deep sadness and I don't know where it is coming from. It's crushing."

"So talk."

"I don't talk, I listen. Plus, who wants to listen to my stuff? It would upset the delicate balance of the universe if I started talking. I'm the saving grace, not the one who need saving."

"You are burned out Pey. It happens. Hell it would have happened to all of us if it weren't for you. Let us help...let me help."

"I don't know how." She whispered "I just feel so overwhelmed. It's like when you let your room get out of control messy and then, when it's truly disgusting and you know you have to clean up, you can't figure out where to start. For so long I have been putting my own shit on a shelf in the back of my closet, vowing to myself that I'll deal with it later...when I have a few moments to myself. There were always more important things to take care of, and now that shelf has broken and everything I have been avoiding is in this huge pile that is threatening to suffocate me and I can't figure out where to start. I just need the world to stop for fifteen minutes so I can fix one thing. I would feel so much better if I could just fix one thing."

"So let's pick one thing out of the pile and work on it."

Peyton thought to herself about what she regretted the most, what she would most like to fix in her fifteen minutes and everything just swam around in her head. When she opened her mouth to start the only thing that came out were sobs. For the first time in the nearly six months since they had broken up, she cried. And once the dam opened; God himself couldn't have shut the gates. She cried for so many things and Jake just held her. He was relieved to see her cry. He knew she had been bottling things up for too long.

"It's gonna be OK Peyton, I'm here. I will always be here." He repeated. He kept repeating it in her ear. She cried harder.

"Why?"

"You know why."

"Ya, I guess I do." Her head dropped. He lifted her chin back up.

"Maybe you don't. I'm not here because you were my rock through the trial, although you were, and I'm not here because of some obligation, or because I owe you, even though I do. I'm also not here to try and change you. I'm here because I love you."

"You can't." she stated.

"Why not?"

"After everything I did..." she trailed off.

"Look, I won't lie and say that what you did didn't hurt me, because it did. But I know why you did it. You did it because it was the only way you knew how to push me away. I know I scared you that night when I asked you if you saw me in your future, and when we talked the last time...it was too soon."

"This isn't fair to you Jake. You deserve so much better than me."

"Don't you get it? For me, there is no one better than you. And no matter how long it takes for you to feel normal, I'll be there. Every step of the way. I am not going anywhere ever again." He reached out his hand to her.

And for some reason, against her better judgement, she believed him. Seeing Jake sitting beside her in a cemetery in the dead of night, with his hand outstretched to her, she knew she loved him. For so long she felt like she couldn't or wouldn't love anyone ever again. It felt like too big a risk. What if she didn't survive it? But looking into Jake's eyes, she realized that loving Jake wasn't a choice – it just was. And so, for the first time in ten years, she felt something stronger than her fear.

Peyton took his outstretched hand. "Come with me." She said. He followed her, not letting go of her hand. She took him to a gravestone. "Mom? It's me, Pey. There is someone I'd like you to meet. Mom, this is Jake Jagielski. And he's my saving grace." She half smiled. "Jake, this is my mom." Jake smiled back at her. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, and she was comforted in a way that pushed through the numbness. The pain and fear were still there but she could feel the love in her heart too. It gave her hope.

When she heard Jake's name being called to receive his diploma, Peyton was still smiling – all the way to her eyes. And when her name was called, an identical smile could be found on Jake's face. Neither one of them believed for one second that the future would be easy for them. He knew she still had trust issues, and she knew that she would have to work long and hard to live up to his faith in her. Sometimes she thought he saw more in her than was actually there. But that was kinda nice too – to have someone see beyond what you put on for show. The truth of the matter was, she would still spend a good portion of her time being there for Nathan, and Lucas, and even Brooke, but she wouldn't use them as a way to hide from herself. The best part was that she knew that someone would always be there for her. She had finally found her own saving grace. Jake was her savior. And they were both OK with that.

A/N so, all done. I've said it a million times, but this has been my labour of love. Thank you for all the positive reviews. They meant so much. Please let me know your final thoughts. Carys