Summary – More crack letters and the return of Aunty Itachi!
Author notes – Naruto and it's characters do not belong to her, apparently, her sanity doesn't either.
Author's notes – There's a mention of Shounen Ai in the Kakashi letter. Also, erm, I'm sorry to the reviewer who asked for a letter to be written for Kakashi to reply, but my brain is fried, so I'm really sorry. I didn't intend for a second chapter though, but I still did. This will, however, probably be the last letters.
To reviewers – Thanks for your comments and remarks!
This Chapter is for my friend. ;)
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(From Zabuza)
Have a secret to tell? Tell it to US!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Recently, I've been experiencing weird feelings towards my weapon, it's a person by the way, there is no way you'd catch me kissing my sword. I'm not Asexual, thank you very much. Anyway, I've always thought that my weapon was kind of cute, you know, as in huggable, fluffy cute. I mean at times he's just looks so squishy I want to hug him, and I know I'm not supposed to, but DAMMIT HE'S SO CUTE! No wait! I'm calm! I'm collected! I'm the cool mysterious ninja with the funky mask thing! But's HE LOOKS SO SQUISHY! NO! I'm CALM, COLLECTED! I'm the cool mysterious ninja with the funky mask thing and big sharp sword! I'm NOT FEELING ANYTHING TOWARDS MY CUTE AND SQUISHY WEAPON! NO WAIT, YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT!
- COOL MYSTERIOUS NINJA WITH FUNKY MASK THING AND BIG SHARP SWORD (don't you forget it)
Dear COOL MYSTERIOUS NINJA WITH FUNKY MASK THING AND BIG SHARP SWORD (don't you forget it),
Both I and all my colleagues here at US think that (you are really funny) you must have had a terrible time bearing this burden, and when we were reading the letter, we were (laughing our asses off) feeling terribly sorry for you. We think that you should go (see a psychiatrist, or visit the local asylum) talk to your er...weapon about your feelings towards it, I mean, him. Anyway, perhaps these feelings are (not) normal? Maybe they'll go away after a while, try to keep your cool (though I doubt it) around your weapon and just let it work out by itself. (Are you sure you're not Asexual?)
(The people at US are secretly happy that they set up their business because now they can blackmail Zabuza. They also realize the potential for gathering dirt on people.)
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(From Kakashi, that pervert)
Feeling sexually frustrated? Write in to the author of Icha Icha Paradise! (That is to say, Jiraiya)
There's this guy I like, he's just so good looking, and sometimes when I see him, I just want to throw him on the ground and -censored-. The way he smiles is just so sweet, I bet he could -censored-. I've tried so many methods of seducing him, from -censored- to -censored- to even -censored-! But he doesn't even respond to them, all he does is smile sweetly at me, hits my hand away, which just makes me want to -censored- him even more. He's all that I think about and all at times, I just want to run into his house and -censored-. He's just too sexy for his own good. I don't know what I should do to make him want to -censored- me. I know I like him, but the books always say -censored- first, love later.
- Frustrated and horny
Dear Frustrated and horny,
You're gay aren't you? Well, I used to have the same problems as you, except that I'm straight, and you're not. Well, from what I see, you could try -censored-, or -censored-, those work pretty well. If you really want him to -censored- you, then you could try getting close to him instead of outright -censored-, find out what's he's like. I bet he's just playing hard to get with you. Since he probably really wants you to -censored- him and vice versa, you could try spending an evening together. Have a nice dinner, then have -censored- later, yes, that would be a good plan to try. If that doesn't work, you could always try to lock him in your room and -censored- him, and -censored-, and -censored-, I bet he'd like that. But I'm not too sure, since I'm relatively new to gay -censored-. I like your motto, -censored- first, love later. It's a good motto.
(The editor of this column realizes that half of the letters are unintelligible because they have been censored. However he knows that the magazine is strictly PG-13 and has to censor out all those naughty words in there.)
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Tell your health problems to a medical expert!
I'm an insomniac, thus I have heavy eye-bags and it's even showing through the huge amount of eye make-up I use to hide it. All the sand I have around me is giving me allergies and rashes and I can't very well pause in the middle of killing someone to scratch my behind, can I? Also, I'm getting lock-jaw from all the evil grinning I have to do (I do have an image to keep up you know) and my eyes hurt because I keep trying to look at people's faces when I'm actually admiring their nice fashionable shoes. (What I mean is that I'm looking down, but at the same time trying to look up, so my face is pointing down and my eyes are looking up.) Give me a solution in three days time or I'll kill every last one of you (and take all your shoes).
- Gaara of the Sand
Dear Gaara of the Sand,
You must be very frustrated to have such problems. I'm a medic-nin so I'll try my best to help you with your health problems. Okay, as for your insomnia, you could try listening to something REALLY boring, or drink yourself silly, you may fall asleep this way. Guaranteed, you'll have a killer headache the next day, but at least now you don't have to ruin your face. As for your allergies, maybe you could buy some kind of cream or something, stay away from the sand. I think you'd prefer to live longer to be able to scare more people than to die of lock-jaw and retina detachment (though that is impossible, I think). So maybe you could try not to...look so scary all the time.
Alternatively, you could ignore all that, come to me and I can kill you and dissect you to study your powers and stuff. You'd probably make a very good addition to my collection of corpses in my basement. Yes, and when I figure your powers out, I can use them for myself! Because I am doctor Kabuto and LONG LIVE OROCHIMARU-SAMA! Erhm, no, eh, you didn't see that, I'm a nice good doctor who's trying to help you out! Yes, yes, nice good doctor.
(Gaara feels he shouldn't have wasted his money on the postage stamps, instead, he could have saved up to buy a new pair of shoes.)
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- CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC! –
Now, this is the moment we've all been waiting for...it's time for the...RETURN OF AUNTY ITACHI!
Hello little boys and girls, if you have any problems, Aunty Itachi will try her (OO) best to help you!
My Abusive Master
-sniff- I have bone cancer and I'm going to die soon. -sniff- I can't take it anymore and I want to commit suicide. But then, -sniff- I met this nice man, and he treated me quite well at first, so I -sniff- didn't kill myself, because I wanted to fight for him. -sniff- And...and now he's ignoring meeee! All because of that stupid Kabuto! -sniff- Orochimaru-sama likes him more than me -sniff- and now I want to die! But I love Orochimaru-sama and will continue fighting for him until I die, but -sniff- Orochimaru-sama doesn't care about me -sniff-, what should I do! -Wails-
- Jealous and sad
Dear Jealous and sad,
You're Kimimaro right? Don't worry, it's going to be just fine, Aunty Itachi loves you! I knew it, that b-tch Orochimaro hasn't been treating you well has he! I shall go catch him and spank him on the butt and tell him to be nice to you! If you still have problems with him, write in again and Aunty Itachi will fire Orochimaru! Don't be sad, and don't kill yourself! If you do, Aunty Itachi will run into a phone booth, change into her superman outfit and go and save you! Awwww, Aunty Itachi will give you a hug, be happy!
(Itachi can't believe he just wrote that. He's macho and stuff, right?)
-End-