Chapter 2: The way out of darkness

The sun had set completely and the room was covered in darkness. Lost in his thoughts Severus had not bothered to put on the lights. He hadn't even noticed the darkness. He was lost in the darkness inside him. Try as he would he could not stop thinking about Sirius and James. For years he had carried the hatred for them like an undying fire within him. The flames of this fire, which had been quenched a little after James death and Sirius's arrest, had been rekindled again the moment he saw Harry. The likeness of the boy who had made his life miserable standing in front of him was more than he could stand.

Severus had always hated both of them because he wanted to hate them, because he promised himself to hate them, not the he had to work hard to hate them. Both provided ample reason for it. Never even once did he sit back and think about it, about how irrational the roots of all this are. He mostly only thought of the things they did to him later at school, which though were best buried in the past, couldn't be easily forgotten, especially when they were one of the worst memories of your life. But then all that wouldn't have happened if there was no beginning. Today for the first time he thought about it. Now that both men were dead he started thinking whether everything was really worth it.

He was confused, unable to understand himself, understand what he really wanted. Before he could think further someone came into the room and switched on the lights breaking off his thoughts. Severus turned and found his at his brother standing at the door.

"Where have you been Severus?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" Severus asked puzzled. "I haven't gone out of my room all day."

"In body, yes. In sprit, no. What have you been thinking?"

"How do you know I have been thinking?" Severus asked smiling sitting on his bed.

"A man doesn't sit in a dark room for an hour if he is not thinking." Flavius laughed. "So, what have you been thinking about?"

Severus was surprised. An hour! Had I been thinking for so long?

Flavius stared at the silent man waiting for an answer. After few silent moments he went and sat beside Severus. "Severus, ever since you came back from Hogwarts you have been so silent like... kind of lost. What's the matter?" he asked.

"Nothing"

"You can tell me, you know."

"I know brother, and I am telling you there's nothing". How could he tell anything when he himself was not sure of what was wrong.

Flavius stared at his brother silently. He wasn't fooled. He knew that something was being hidden form him. It wasn't like Severus to hide things from him and this troubled Flavius. He stared at Severus trying to fathom his thoughts but he couldn't figure out what it was. He left it there hoping that Severus would speak out sooner or later.

"Excuse me, headmaster" Severus made his way into Dumbledore's office. "May I come in, sir?"

"Ah! Yes Severus" Dumbledore said looking up from the Daily Prophet, "sit down." I've got a request to make Severus."

Severus was wondering – but hoping it was not so – whether Dumbledore had decided to call the Order meeting. He preferred to give his reports personally to the headmaster rather than in front of a load of people whose looks shouted out that given their way he wouldn't be sitting with them, instead of thanking him for risking his life to save their neck (though that wasn't his sole intention). You brought that on yourself a small voice said in his mind. Then, there was also the fact that it would be the first meeting after Sirius's death. He didn't think he could face all those people, especially Lupin, in the confused state of mind he was in right now. Specially in that house.........

Dumbledore's voice broke into his thoughts " Severus, you realise we can't use Grimauld Place as our headquarters anymore. After Sirius death Kreacher won't be bound as a house-elf to keep everything that happens there a secret. Though you must have figured it out by know." He paused as though thinking how best to say what ever was on in mind. As a matter of fact that had not occurred to Severus. He was too lost in his own troubles. But now he did think about it, it made sense. But he still didn't understand what was Dumbledore driving at. "I've been thinking Severus," Dumbledore continued "and I have reached to the conclusion that Rockingale Mansion would be the best place. That is of course only if you agree"

"What?" Of course he heard perfectly but it didn't make sense to him. Why his mansion? There were others who could give their houses. But even as the question formed in his mind he knew the answer.

"I know you don't like it very much Severus but there is no other place half as good. It would get highly suspicious if someone's house disappears all of a sudden. That's why I did not ask you for you house in London. As for the mansion very few people know of its existence. No one would even notice even if it disappears, hidden as it is."

"I know sir. I am sorry for the way I reacted. But........." But what? He couldn't put it into words. The mansion... His grandfather had built the mansion. He used to go there with his friends when his mother was alive. That's where Flavius used to live and he did after his father's death. Built in the shadow of a cliff beside the sea it was an unobtrusive place, hidden from Muggles. But in the past 16 years after they shifted to London, it had become a place of retreat for him. He had built o world of his own there, a world where there were no Death Eaters, no Dark Lord, nothing and no one he didn't want. It was a place to where could escape when things became too much for him, where he could find rest peace and the will to go on. It was the only place where traces of the past were still there. There was a world open only to himself and Flavius.

Turning it into the headquarters would mean opening it to a load of practically strangers most of who positively hated him. As it was his house, it would also mean that as the host, he would be obligated to promote some familiarity to the visitors, something he had always avoided. All this in few words meant tearing apart his world. But just then he couldn't find words express to Dumbledore what was on his mind.

Dumbledore, as it turned out, needed no expressing to. He had a gift of understand people, of hearing the unsaid and seeing further then can be seen. "I understand how you feel, Severus," he came around the table and placed his hands of Severus's shoulder "but it is the best that is there. Once placed under the Fidelius Charm no one would be able to find it... I'll have to leave now. But think about it Severus and think for the best."

"I don't know what to do Flavius" Severus said after he told Flavius about Dumbledore's request. It was night and he had just reached home after a busy day.

"The mansion and the world in it belongs to you brother, so does the right to decide what to do with it. The headmaster knows that, else he wouldn't have asked only you." Flavius looked into Severus's eyes and continued, "You are a grown man Severus. I trust you to make a wise decision." And with that he left the room leaving Severus alone.

A wise decision. What would be a wise decision? Is loosing my only safe haven wise? Is tearing apart the silent world I built wise? "No, I can't do it" Severus murmured to himself. He immediately felt ashamed for his thoughts. This was no trifling he was thinking about. The Order had asked him for it. He had pledged his life for the order and here he was backing away from giving it one of its basic needs. Is this the commitment I have? No, I can do better. I need to do this for the sake of my oath, what I promised myself, what I promised dad...yes I will do it.

He told Flavius what he had decided. He was proud of Severus, Flavius said, for making the right decision. Severus went to meet Dumbledore that afternoon.

"Sir, I have made my decision and my answer is yes. But I need some time to...er... clear up few things. Perhaps a week." He was willing to give the mansion but not to risk someone finding out his past.

"I thank you, Severus. Take your time but try to be fast. " Dumbledore said. After a pause he continued tentatively "Severus, can I take it that you accept Harry staying there?"

"And pray tell me why do you think I would accept that" Severus replied. His voice, which was normal till now (well as normal as snapeishly possibly) when an octave lower. It was the tone he reserved for students –particularly ones who displeased him. Under normal circumstances it was unlikely that he would adopt it while in the Headmaster's presence but what he just heard made the circumstances far from normal. Letting people visit the Mansion of meetings was totally different from letting someone stay there – especially Potter of all the people.

"He is not safe anywhere else, Severus. Even at the Dursleys he couldn't keep out of trouble causing us a lot of trouble if you remember"

"And..."

"Well he doesn't like it there"

"Oh!" he said his voice much louder than usual " So I am expected to do all this- take all the trouble and make myself miserable- because that bloody arrogant trouble maker called Harry Potter the Great, the Saviour is not pampered enough and does not have enough sense to keep out of trouble and tries to keep playing hero going searching for it. You really expected to me to accept this after..." he lowered his voice a little "after all that happened last term...after he breached my trust...your trust..." he ended bitterly- bitter at the memory, bitter at himself for loosing control over himself. Dumbledore always had the talent to make him loose his composure.

Dumbledore didn't answer. Instead he only stared at the angry man before him locking his light blue eyes with the dull dark ones of his potions master. Severus tried to look away but as always found himself attracted to sky like blue eyes with the depth of the oceans that radiated care that made him feel like a vulnerable child, sympathy that infuriated him and persuasion he couldn't resist. Severus knew that this was no persuasion jinx he could fight. It was faith-he couldn't fight that. . He remembered how he was persuaded the same way few months ago to give Potter Occlumency classes... and now this. He felt himself weakening and knew he had to give in

"Alright," he screamed, unable to bear the penetrating stare of the twinkling eyes any more. "I'll do what ever you want. The mansion belongs to the order hereafter. Do what ever you like with it." The effort to get himself under control made him stop. "Though I doubt if Potter will want to stay in my house", he added after a while in his cynical tone.

Dumbledore gave himself a self-congratulatory smile. He had won and sooner than he expected and even he like Flavius had noticed the change in Severus. "I knew I could trust you to keep your word Severus," Dumbledore said and added "and the Weasleys and Granger"

"Yeah right" Severus replied irritated. The question was meaningless after Dumbledore had won "Now if there is nothing else I'd like to leave. Striping down a mansion is not something I enjoy and I want to get this over as soon as possible" and whit that he walked out of the room without turning back.

Severus welcomed the work. Huge and painstaking as it was, it would hopefully keep him busy enough to close his mind to the ghosts of the past that have been haunting him. But he was in for something he wasn't prepared to face. Lot of the things he wanted to remove were things untouched since he had come there lost in some locked room- silent memories of his, of the very days he was determined to forget. Though he guessed that some of them were still there, their number was a surprise to him.

Severus would-more often than not- come across unexpected things which, catching him in moments of unwariness, would sweep him back to the past, making him relive those moments. He had his first taste of this the second day he arrived at the mansion. He was going through some old boxes when he came across an old envelope. He opened it to find a faded photograph-five kids sitting under a beach tree beside a lake. He didn't need the date- a year before Marcus's death- and the place behind the photograph to remind him of that vacation. Sirius had been so excited when his uncle told him about it.

"Hey Severus, where are you?"

Severus looked around into the silent passage into the hall. He was quite alone. The voice is inside me. Yes he could here Sirius's voice, he remembered...

"Severus, where are you?" Sirius's voice boomed.

Severus could hear his friend run through the hall and the kitchen to reach him in the backyard. He smiled at the windswept kid when he appeared.

"Is your house burning down then, that you are running so" Severus joked. His friend wouldn't be grinning so had that been the case.

"No ass," Sirius replied, "we are going on a vacation" his face was shining in anticipation.

"Oh! Great" Severus said. He was slightly hurt that is friend was so happy to leave them "so where are you going."

Sirius seemed to sense the stress on 'you'. "You are such a daft Severus. Do you think I could leave you all for any place? I said we are going. All five of us. My uncle's already spoken to your dad."

Do you think I can leave you.........

Severus jolted back to the present when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to find Flavius looking concerned." What's up brother? I called you about four times. Where were you lost?"

"What...er...nowhere...nothing" Severus said trying to distinguish between thoughts and reality. "So, what did you want?"

"Me? Nothing. I just wanted to know whether you intend to move all this to London."

"No," Severus replied, "I don't think so." It had been quite a few hours since he had changed his mind about the decisions he took in Dumbledore's office. "There are too many people-Death Eaters-coming there. It's not safe "

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to say. By the way I've fixed some sandwiches for you. You better eat something. You and rest before you start again. You are pushing yourself too much. I'll see what I can do till then.

"O.K." Severus left the room. Flavius made to follow him but on an instinct turned back and picked up the thing Severus was staring at. If he was surprised to see the photo- more so by the way Severus was staring at it-it was nothing to how much he was confused.

Such incidents continued the first few days but soon Severus learned to keep his mind of the work and the work as it was didn't give him a chance to brood on his past but in the sleepless nights the frustration and the confusion returned in measure. He began to relive his past-its joys and sorrows. Slowly and subconsciously he began to accept - though not fully- the mistakes he had done and their effects on his life and on other's, accept that somewhere the reason behind James and Sirius' behaviour was he himself. Out of frustration he began drinking.

Flavius continued to be troubled by Severus' behaviour and finally one night went to his room deciding that it was time to get things clear only to find his brother drunk- more drunk than he had ever seen him. Severus had first begun to drink in the early days of the war but gave up a few years after the downfall of the Dark Lord. It had been nearly twelve years since he had touched spirit- even in parties. And here he was smashing the furniture a half finished bottle of firewhisky in his hand and an empty one rolling on the floor.

Severus didn't notice his brother until he came near him." What are you doing here" he said when he saw him looking at him as though trying to get him into focus "You should be in your bed sleeping. All good men should be in their beds sleeping. Only evil, mean, heartless, slimy old Snivellus shall stay awake tonight. Ha! Ha! "He laughed shakily

"You are drunk brother" Flavius said trying to figure out what all this was about. "I'm not going to leave ...

"Drunk?" Severus cut in looking at the bottle "Yes, I am drunk and I intend to drink more... more... "There was a mad rage in his eyes- strong and scary- like a raging storm in the night like eyes. Suddenly he slid down and fell in a heap on the floor. Flavius knelt beside him trying to get him back to his senses. Severus's face changed suddenly as though a mask fell off. A broken man lie before Flavius now. One could almost imagine the Severus few seconds before never existed-almost.

"Lost...all ...... all is lost. "

"Nothing is lost Severus." Flavius said shaking him thinking about a different thing altogether. "The war has begun again. Nothing is lost" he said lifting him and carrying him towards the bed.

"War? No...lost them ......them...both" He put his arms around Flavius neck and said " you love me don't you. You care for me. You are the only one who does......only one"

With that Severus gave snort and fell asleep.

Trying to understand what was going on in his brother's mind he cast back is mind at the past few days ad suddenly realised it was probably not the war he was talking about but... and things began to fall in place. Severus had been acting odd since he returned from Hogwarts- ever since Sirius's death and the he had just used the name Snivellus- (the name Sirius had given him because of his polite and courteous way of getting things done. Though he had grown up with boys whose roguishness was their identity Severus had always shown maturity beyond his years. The name that had been given to his in childish teasing had, in later years, become a word of malice, a weapon of torment) Maybe.... No, I shouldn't jump to conclusions like that. But from what things looked like...

For years Flavius had left his brother alone with is hatred-against his better instincts- knowing that it would do more harm than good if he interfered. He had hoped that Severus would grow out of it with time but it never happened. The events at Hogwarts were not unknown to him and he stayed quite- a silent spectator- hoping against hope that things would change with an optimism that died gradually. But now a new hope arose in him. If things were really the way they looked like – and his heart, though against his reason, told him they were – then the present would be the best time to bury the past and build hope for future. True, Sirius and James were dead but there were others Severus could make-up to. But Severus would need help. Things wouldn't happen by themselves. He would have to make things happen. He'd have to make sure that the seeds of repentance don't die before they sprout but grow into strong trees of forgiveness and trust – strong trees which could withstand the storms of the hard times yet to come. But how? Who could help him? He remembered something he had heard earlier which he had meant to tell Dumbledore later that day and decided to meet him right away. With any hope he might have found a way out of the darkness.........