Guess what I just found out? As a Christmas present, the girls in my family are going to NYC! ((collective shriek)) Time to celebrate, time to celebrate. And, in a truly celebratory mood, I have written the next chapter of my Rascal Flatts fic. It's so easy to update! I love that!

How long has it been? A little over a year, I guess. It still seems like we've been together forever, but now, instead of bringing comfort, that thought makes me feel trapped. Your little quirks aren't so endearing anymore, and I live in constant fear of the connection we once had; what if you read my emotions of my face? I don't want you to find out like that; I still love you, even if I'm not in love with you anymore.

We still talk about leaving the city, raising a family – our beautiful shared dreams. I can't bear to tell you that you no longer have a part in mine.

We've fallen asleep on the roof of your apartment, as we often do after I have dinner at your place. I remember when I used to stay awake long after you, staring at you and marveling at the fact that you were in my arms. Now, I look at you and I feel – nothing. Or, at least, nothing like I used to. There is still tenderness and love that I'm sure will never leave, but now it's as though I'm gazing protectively at a sister. I love you the way David does, and, while that is plenty of love, it is not enough for marriage, for a lifetime together.

I close my eyes as you stir against me; it looks like you're waking, and I don't feel much like talking.

You pull slightly away from me, and I can feel your eyes on me for a long moment before you start to speak. You talk to me about your devotion; broken whispers convey your ardent love to my sleeping form. My heart aches as I understand the sincerity in your murmured "I love you," and the kiss you give me, and I realize just how much it's going to hurt you when I tell you my decision.

Meanwhile, though, I have to keep up the pretense, so I act like I'm just waking up, smiling blearily down at you, and say, "It's getting late, Sarah; maybe we'd better go."

You nod, and we stand together. I walk you down the fire escape to your bedroom, you watch me out the window as I walk home alone. It's just like the end of our first date, only this time I'm walking with a much heavier heart. Because I'm leaving. You've just shown me the one reason I have to stay – you – and, though I care for you more than I think that even I know, I can't stay here for any reason, not even you. I need to get out. I'm getting desperate. I need the freedom that Santa Fe promises, as well as a freedom of a different sort. I already know what I'm going to tell you. I've been practicing ever since I made my decision: "I've been wrestling with this decision for weeks now; I know that I'm not going to find a woman like you easily, especially not out West where women are rare. But that's my plan. I'm ready to go out West, expand my horizons, start working for my dream. I wish I could bring you along, but I can't. You're not a part of that dream anymore. I wish you all the best, though, and I hope your dreams come true."

Despite all of my plans and reassurances, the last thing that I see before I fall asleep is the image of your crestfallen face as I tell you I'm leaving, and the hopeless, helpless motions of your hands trying to piece together crushed dreams.

OOOOO

The next morning I wake up, determined that today will be the day that I tell Sarah I'm not in love with her anymore. With any luck, I'll be on a train next week bound out West. I've got it all planned out: with the money I save from not taking Sarah out, I'll have plenty once I hit Santa Fe, or wherever I end up. I grin, liking the idea of traveling where the mood takes me, and I immediately give up my vague ideas of Santa Fe for the broader category of "out West." Anyway, I'll give myself a week to tie up loose ends out here, tell the boys goodbye, and then it's horses and cattle ranches for me.

I set out early in the morning to the Distribution Office, planning to buy only fifty of my usual hundred papes. I'm hesitant to go to the Jacobs' when I see that David and Les aren't selling today; what if something is going on? I shake the feeling off, though. I can't start making excuses now, or I'll never get out of here.

The event has had an effect on me nevertheless, and my confident feelings of the morning are replaced by a vague nervousness and heavy feeling that are only enhanced by the troubled look on David's face when he opens the door. I try to peer past him to see Sarah, but he steps outside, closing the door behind him.

"Dave –" I start, but he cuts me off.

"Um, Jack," I wonder why he won't meet my eyes, "Sarah, she's – well, she's –" he finally looks up at me, desperately, and I wait impatiently for him to continue. "She's gone, Jack," he finishes bluntly. I stare at him blankly. "Not – not dead or anything," he assures me hurriedly, with a nervous laugh. Just – gone. She left a note, though, and – why don't you just come inside?"

I follow him inside numbly, wondering in the back of my mind if this is all a joke. I'm sure it is. Any minute now, Sarah will come out of her bedroom, admonishing David for scaring me like that. Then she'll hug me, and – and I'll tell her that I'm leaving, right? Suddenly I'm not so sure, and David is shoving a piece of paper with my hands, and only the fact that I recognize her handwriting brings me back to reality. It's a long letter, but I only comprehend parts of it.

Dear Jack,

By the time you read this, I will be far away. I am so sorry for hurting you this way – I know that you truly do care for me – but I can't live like this anymore. I can't stay in this town any longer. I'm ready to fulfill my dreams, my plans. I want to move away from here and start a family where the air is clear.

My eyes scanned down until I saw a man's name: Richard. I centered in on it.

--Richard. I never cheated on you, I swear it, but I had already begun having doubts about our relationship when I met him two months ago. I loved you – still do, and always will, but I don't feel like we have the same beautiful connection that we once did. And, well, call me cold, but I want a family. I'm ready for one, and it doesn't seem like you are. On such a huge issue, a couple should be in agreement, and we were, in theory, but I know you, Jack, and you're still a little boy at heart...

She went on, explaining her reasons for leaving me. Somewhere in the numbness I felt a stab of bitter amusement at the fact that, despite both of our avowals that we had gone different ways, so many of our reasons for leaving were the same. I skipped to the end.

I will always love you, just as I know you will always love me. I wish you the best, and I hope that you find Santa Fe.

Love,

Sarah

That was it, then. I reread the letter quickly, then look up at David, who is staring worriedly at me. "Jack –" he begins, but I shake my head.

"I have to go," I mutter, crumpling the paper in my fist, then shoving in my pocket as I walked out the door.

I stop when I reach the street. I laugh dryly and without humor at the irony of the situation. Here I was, all self-righteous, going to tell Sarah in what I saw now was a most condescending fashion that I no longer loved her, and she beat me to the punch. My laughter increases in pitch and hysteria as I realize that I had felt terrible about the misery that I would be inflicting on her, so sure was I of her undying love and blind adoration.

I sit down on a nearby crate, forcing myself to calm down before I start crying or something equally embarrassing. Suddenly, my whole body seems clenched by a sickening, icy fist. I break out in a cold sweat as I finally understand the most important aspect of what I had thought was a mature, necessary, and well-thought-out decision: I didn't mean a word of it. I thought I did, I was convinced that it would never work between us, but, if that were true, I should be feeling relief right now. After all, the end result is what I wanted, and I didn't even have to hurt Sarah on my way to attaining freedom. I realize now that, in the back of my mind, I thought I would break it off with her, suffer through her tears and gentle acknowledgements that I was right, then, eventually, we would get back together and live exactly as we had once planned.

I stand up again and walk as quickly as I can without actually running, trying to distract myself from the thought that this is no longer an option. She's gone. Bits of her letter come back to mock me as I walk.

By the time you finish reading this, I will be far away... She's gone.

Richard... Sarah's gone West with Richard. Who ever heard of a cowboy named Richard?

Don't have the same connection...

You're still a little boy... What made me think I was so wonderful that she couldn't bear to lose me?

You will always love me...

And I know that's true, I know it now, but it's a curse when it could have been a blessing, such a wonderful blessing, if I had only seen ii sooner, if I had only accepted Sarah when I had the chance.

I finally reach the Lodging House, slamming upstairs past a surprised Kloppman, and collapse on my bed, dry eyes wide, to read the letter again...and again...and again.

OOOOO

"My Worst Fear"

Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere

Chorus
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear

This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
Called out your name, but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone

Repeat Chorus

All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do
I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you

Second Chorus
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear

koodles: Here's a quick update in response to a quick review. P-) (Blink smile--isn't that cool, I stole it from someone else but I can't remember who).

Anyway, I've separated them, but I guess it's not much help, since he still insists on liking her. I tried to talk him out of it, but he's so stubborn and whiny.

ME: Jack, why don't you just forget about her. There's plenty of girls out there who would love to be with you ((VERY BROAD HINT)).

JACK: Waaaah!!

Arrgh! He's so difficult!

queen of ny: No one seems to like Jack/Sarah very much. I guess that's because Sarah-in-the-movie has no personality whatsoever. You know that part in the trailers (why, yes, I have watched the trailers on my DVD countless times after the movie) when Sarah says, "You have to fight them"? Why is that part not in the movie? I want to see Sarah have a little character!