Chapter XV: Emptiness

Alexa rode furiously towards Lothlòrien, stopping only when Rodyn was too exhausted to continue. She barely ate and never rested, for all that she cared about was getting to Lothlòrien before Haldir left. Exhaustion threatened to overtake her numerous times, but she resisted it and pressed on. She cared not for herself, but only for Haldir.

Alexa breathed a sigh of relief as the forest of Lothlòrien loomed before her. She had made the journey far more quickly than usual due to her intense, relentless pace. Perhaps I have arrived in time. She rode swiftly through the forest, heading for Caras Galadhorn. She was not hindered by the wardens, which was unusual, for Haldir always met her at the border. Fear began to gnaw at her heart, but she pushed it away. He must be in the city. He has to be in the city, she thought, trying desperately to reassure herself.

As she entered the city, she was taken aback by the silence. Caras Galadhorn was usually so vibrant and filled with joy, but now it was deathly silent and an air of sadness seemed to hang over the city like a black cloud. She did not dismount, but rode on, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She rode in the direction of Haldir's talan, but stopped as she saw Lalaith standing not afar off. Alexa dismounted and walked over to her.

Lalaith turned and stared at Alexa in surprise. She had not expected her back for some time, for Alexa had only recently left. She frowned as she studied her friend. Alexa's hair and clothing were disheveled, and her eyes were wild, almost frighteningly so. She looked exhausted beyond belief, and her horse seemed to be faring no better than she was.

"Alexa, are you all right?" Lalaith asked in concern.

"Where is he?" Alexa asked abruptly. "Where is Haldir?"

Lalaith lowered her head sadly. "They have already left for Helm's Deep."

Alexa stared numbly at Lalaith. She felt ill, if that was possible for an Elf. "When?"

"Four days ago," Lalaith answered. "Come with me back to my talan, and we will talk. You need to rest, Alexa."

Alexa ignored her and mounted Rodyn. She turned and tore out of the city, paying no heed to Lalaith's concerned calls. She rode into the countryside and began to head for Helm's Deep. She had to arrive there in time. She would never forgive herself if she did not.

Alexa made the journey to Helm's Deep quickly, for it was mainly over open plains, rather than harsh mountains. As she approached the fortress, she was shocked by the carnage outside the wall and by the condition of the wall itself. The formerly impenetrable wall of Helm's Deep was in ruins, a huge, gaping hole in its side. Bodies of orcs and Men were scattered around the wall and surrounding grounds. A strange forest, which bore a striking resemblance to the trees of Fangorn, was now along the outskirts of the fortress.

She rode through the gates, but nothing could have prepared her for the horrific sight that lay before her. The mangled bodies of the dead, the Elves among them, lay everywhere. Men and Elves lay with orcs, their arms and legs entangled in a gruesome heap. Boys of no more than twelve years lay dead alongside the Men, the bodies of the Men nearly covering the children in futile attempts of protection. She shuddered as the tortured screams of the wounded pierced the air.

Alexa dismounted and slowly began making her way along what remained of the wall, stepping carefully around the dead. Where was Haldir? Was he with the wounded? She looked among the bodies and winced as she saw many of the Galadhrim among them. Belegorn, Calenmir, Firlas... all were dead, lying with the Men they had been so desperate to aid and protect. She continued her search and began to feel somewhat relieved as she neared the edge of the wall. He is not among them. He lives yet.

Movement suddenly caught her eye. She glanced up and saw two Men near the edge of the wall, gently lifting the body of an Elf. The sun reflected off of the Elf's golden armor, and his red cape swayed slightly as the Men began to carry him. Dread overcame her, for she knew that only the commander of the army dressed in that attire.

"No," she whispered.

But it was Haldir. He had fallen. Her heart broke in that moment of realization, and she began to tremble violently. She stared at the Men as they carried Haldir, and she was overcome by an intense hatred. What right did they have to touch him? She stormed furiously over to the vile men, her eyes glittering with rage. They froze as they saw her.

"Put him down!" she growled. "Leave him! I will bury him. You have done enough!"

The Men hesitated, staring at her like she was mad. She scowled at them fiercely.

"Do it!" she snarled.

The Men quickly did as she commanded and moved to another section of the wall to continue their grim task. She glared after them for a moment, seething with hatred. However, the fire of her wrath and hatred soon dissipated and was swiftly replaced by a cold emptiness and pain. It was a long moment before she could bring herself to look at Haldir's body. When she finally did, she was overcome by such brutal pain that she wished for death and oblivion. She slumped to the ground and gently cradled Haldir's head in her lap. She tenderly touched his face and hair, trembling as she did so. He was so cold and white, and his eyes were glassy and fixed on some distant place. Some place that she could not go to. The once vibrant life that he had possessed was gone and now only nothingness lingered. What remained of her heart shattered within her, leaving behind nothing but a hollow pain. She could hear the women along the wall wailing over their dead husbands and sons, but she could not cry. She would not cry.

She rose slowly and began her task of burying the one that she loved. As she dug into the earth, a deep regret consumed her. Haldir had died not knowing her answer. Not knowing how she really felt. Now he will never know, she thought in despair. She continued to dig, and every delve of her shovel was like an arrow in her heart, like a dagger in her soul. She sank to one knee and used her dagger to remove the house symbol from his armor. She attached his symbol to the medallion that she had worn all of her life.

"I leave my heart with you, Haldir, for I no longer have use for it," she whispered.

She pressed her fingers to her lips and then placed them on his in a final kiss. "I love you, Haldir. I will love you forever."

She began to cover her love with earth, the shovel all the while threatening to fall from her shaking hands. She finished burying him and dropped the shovel, feeling far too weak to hold it any longer.

"Namarie, my love," she breathed.

She quickly mounted Rodyn and tore out of the fortress at breakneck speed. She could remain there no longer.

Alexa rode hard for a long while, finally stopping when Rodyn could no longer continue. She attempted to make a fire, but she was trembling so badly that she could not even get a spark to start. She growled in frustration and forced her hands to steady. A spark finally started and soon grew into a roaring blaze. She sank to the ground and stared hopelessly into the fire. Memories, unbidden, began to wash over her in a painful flood....
Alexa smiled as she saddled Rodyn, for she and Haldir were going riding together this morning. She glanced over at Haldir, who grinned wickedly at her. He walked over to her, a familiar glint in his eye, and moved to kiss her. Before his lips brushed hers, however, she pushed him gently away.

"You shall have to catch me if you wish to kiss me, my lord," she said playfully.

He grinned and attempted to catch her waist, but she quickly mounted Rodyn and rode from the stables. She cast a glance over her shoulder and saw Haldir and his horse chasing after her.

They rode like this for awhile, but Alexa soon dismounted and began to run. She glanced behind her and saw Haldir running quickly after her. She laughed and continued on, but he soon began to gain on her, for he was faster than she was. She turned to face him, but kept running backwards. He caught her and they fell to the ground, arms and legs entangling. She tried to escape him, but he was on top of her and held her down, grinning as she struggled.

"Do you yield?" he asked, his smile triumphant.

She shook her head and continued to struggle. She did not accomplish much though, for he was much stronger than she was. She stilled as he leaned down and lightly kissed the corner of her mouth. He looked down at her, his eyes dark.

"Do you yield?" he asked huskily.

"Yes," she whispered, and he leaned down and kissed her.

Alexa started slightly as the memory faded from her mind. Hot tears stung her eyes, and she tried to hold them back, but one tear escaped and slid down her cheek. She brushed the tear away, trying to calm herself and resist the pain, but she could not. More tears began to fall, and she at last surrendered to her grief. She buried her face in her knees and began to cry. Soon her entire body was racked with tortured sobs.

"Haldir," she whispered amidst her tears. "Haldir."

Rodyn nudged her gently and nuzzled her hair, but even he could not comfort her. She cried until all her tears were spent, then lay down near the fire in exhaustion. She curled on her side like a child, and finally allowed sleep to overtake her. Haldir.