EYES OF THE EVERGREEN - quantum witch © 2001
see Prologue for warnings, rating, and summary
3 : Confessionis
From the outside it was the typical quaint, picturesque, cozy cottage any Hufflepuff would be expected to have. Perfectly harmless looking. Snape almost felt his presence might defile it, but shrugged the feeling off as she opened the door for him.
They were greeted at the door by a large Kneazle. He was mostly a tawny gold with speckles of darker brown. His piercing yellow gaze met Snape's black one in a calculating way. Figuring the cat would then leave, as he was certainly being judged unworthy, Snape was even more surprised when the creature approached. Oh great, he thought, it's a guard Kneazle, and I'm about to be mauled to death. The ultimate shock came when the cat banged its large eared head against his shin, nearly knocking him over.
Juniper grinned broadly with total delight. "And now you've passed the crucial test. I guess I'll have to keep you."
Trying unsuccessfully to escape the purring creature's attention, Snape muttered, "Clearly this is one Kneazle who's lost his ability to discern unsavory character."
Laughing at his discomfiture, she nudged the cat aside with her foot. "Go on Therion, leave the poor man be."
"'Therion'?" Snape almost laughed as he dusted clots of cat fur off his pant legs. He realised the name was Greek. "That, madam, is hardly a 'Wild Vicious Beast' by anyone's standards."
"Oh, only when he has to be, it's true. You should see him stalk his dinner plate."
"I can only imagine the horrifying shrieks of the china pattern." Snape was grinning widely, and realised he was actually enjoying himself, even through the snide remarks. How was it that he felt so utterly relaxed here? The place was just as charming inside as out. That must be it. He was still charmed. Still, it was hardly a bad thing. It was the first time in longer than he could recall that he'd felt this way.
"Come sit. Be my guest while I gather some goodies, then pump you for information," she grinned conspiratorially. "Still have to play spy, you know."
"Are you even for real?" he asked half to himself as she bustled off to the kitchen. Nothing could have ever prepared him for the total difference he'd seen in her demeanour from one scene to the next. She was literally like two people. And he found he liked them both.
Juniper, rather than conjuring, made tea and snacks with her own hands. She didn't even have a house elf, which probably explained the clutter of books, papers, cobwebs, and various cat toys lying about. The Kneazle himself had taken up residence on a nearby chair and was regarding Snape with those glowing yellow eyes again, and purring loudly. Before his hostess returned, Snape stealthily reached over to scratch Therion behind its ear, and cursed himself silently for doing so.
When Juniper returned they spent a few quiet moments sipping and snacking, while he debated whether he was dreaming it all.
"Okay," she finally said, "where shall we start. Me or you?"
"What?" he said around a mouthful of pumpkin tart.
"Secrets. Histories. Favourite color, birth signs, turn-ons, whatever you want to discuss." She grinned as he almost choked at the 'turn-ons' mention.
"You are a dream," he muttered. "No one could possibly be as different in public as in private."
"Can and am. Have to be. Told you it was a mask. One I've cultivated for years. It's a funny thing, you know. My name really is Juniper Janus. My parents were Salvete and Violet Janus. I think I was destined to play this part." She smiled widely. "Well, since I'm already started I guess I'll be first."
"Uh, I suppose so…" She was befuddling him again, but in a new way. He still liked it though.
And so she launched into it all.
She'd come from a long line of magical folk, mostly Hufflepuff and some Gryffindor. Her parents had been great lovers of Muggle life, with an interesting philosophy. Since Muggles outnumbered Magical folk probably ten to one, they figured the best way to get along was to live amongst them and learn their ways. They seemed to see it as an anthropological mission, and each year they took her along with them as they explored the Muggle world. When she entered Hogwarts, every summer vacation was a field trip to another European or African country to sample Muggle life, sort of 'roughing it' since they used little magic on these holidays. She learned the basics - monetary systems, how to use electricity and various appliances, and of course many new languages. She was well educated enough to pass among Muggles with ease by the time she was 15.
But of course her parents didn't totally give up their magical lifestyle. They kept a well-protected home, and had a passion for collecting rare and unusual magic artifacts. Some of these had proved to be quite old and valuable, and selling some to other collectors had made them a tidy profit to retire on.
Suddenly her narrative slowed, and Snape knew something much more serious was about to unfold.
"We were in a small country in Africa, walking along the street at night, when it seemed from out of nowhere there came a car, out of control… around a corner… it ran them both down… They didn't even have time to Disapparate…"
He could see the pain in her eyes and almost reached out to comfort her, but stopped. What comfort could a murderer like himself offer?
"I've since discovered," she continued, "we were in what is termed a 'third world country', meaning it's not as advanced technologically as others. By the time medical help arrived, it was mostly too late. And though I sent up signals with my wand, no one answered… there wasn't anyone magical nearby who could be of help. I didn't even have an owl to use… I watched them die…" She stumbled over her next few words. "I came home… left Hogwarts… took private tutoring… sold most of my parents' estate… gave many of the artifacts to the Ministry… sold others…" She felt the tears start and dashed them away almost angrily. "You'd think I could just learn to turn them off. The waterworks, I mean. It's been three years, after all."
"Hardly a lifetime ago," he said softly, finally reaching out to touch the back of her hand in as comforting gesture as he could manage. "And I do understand how hard it is to lose someone you care for… though perhaps not so severely as you have."
"Okay, that sounded like an opening in the shell," she smiled again. "Your turn."
"Not so much to tell. I come from a long family of dark wizards and witches, as you might have guessed. I was always told 'you'll be in Slytherin house', as though nothing else existed. Maybe if I'd been surer of myself I'd have gotten into another, and things might've turned out completely differently. But then, that would have… displeased my family."
Hearing the cold hollow sneer of his words, she understood he'd come from an unflinchingly strict background. Yet he'd still had a good spot deep in his heart.
"School was nearly as bad as home. I could shine in the classrooms, especially potions," he smiled a bit. "I am quite good at that. Better than anyone else I know." There was no egotism in his tone, merely fact and modest pride. "But of course that made me no friends in school. I was too good and too smart. So no one liked me. It may sound as though I was looking for popularity, but that's not me. I'd have settled for simple acceptance. A word of kindness. But… how could anyone have liked me when I didn't even like myself…"
He was amazed at how suddenly insightful he was becoming. Had she put something in the tea? No, he hadn't tasted anything, and he would know. It must be her presence that had him ensorcelled. Either way, he didn't mind at the moment.
"So," he continued, "I searched amongst the other outcasts and found nothing good. All were scared of me you know. My knowledge of Dark Arts was already more than some of their own parents. And they mocked my appearance as well. 'Ugly, wretched, greasy hook-nosed little git', they called me." Here he frowned a bit and pushed his lank hair from his face. "You know I really can't help how I look. There's such as thing genetics, which even magic cannot defeat…"
She pulled a sympathetic face at his self-deprecating attitude. He wasn't nearly so ugly as he imagined.
"Finally I did see an opportunity in one group. They were Gryffindors, but I was desperate," he chuckled a bit. "You may have even heard of them while you were still at school. They did have quite the reputation. They called themselves 'The Marauders'."
"Oh, James Potter and his gang?"
"Yes, indeed. I aimed for the most notorious, rather than settling for something quiet in the background." He shook his head. "What a bloody young fool I was."
Not at all, she thought, you merely wanted to be part of the light, rather than the darkness you came from. That proved her feelings about him even more.
"Sirius Black was an arrogant little bastard, thought he was a divine gift to everyone he met. Him I could live without. James was really the focus of the group. Bold and always laughing, smiling, making things better for everyone. I might have been able to approach him, if I wasn't so sure he'd reject me just for being Slytherin. He was rather… single-minded about that. Peter Pettigrew was a quivering little mess of nerves and had no others friends, and as far as I could see no interesting qualities. He was the toady and hanger-on, the yes-man. But there was still Remus Lupin, the one who was quiet and studious, and sometimes seemed every bit as tormented as myself. Him… I could have befriended. Except for that damned Black. No one else could get past the group's exclusive lines…"
Here Snape's face grew dark and he took a bolstering breath. "Lupin was often ill, and one day I witnessed the school nurse leading him away toward a recently planting Whomping Willow, which is just a cleverly disguised doorway. Black decided to play a trick on me, and told me I could follow and how to get in. I did, later that night, and almost made it to my destination when Potter came running at me from behind and tackled me." The memories were still bitter as ever, and his furrowed brow and glittering eyes showed that fact. "He all but dragged me away… and then I heard the growls. As we were running in the opposite direction, I learned that my destination would have been a final and bloody end. My hoped-for friend was a werewolf."
"Oh my," Juniper said with honest surprise. And sorrow. Poor Snape.
"I realised only Black was truly to blame for this attempt on my life, and I tried to have him expelled. It didn't work, so in my anger I blamed them all. The only good to come from the incident was that it nearly caused a breakup in the group. Not one of the damned boys, they would have stood together 'til the end of time. But… Potter's girlfriend Lily…" Snape's eyes grew clouded, as if trying to forget rather than recall too clearly.
"She felt badly for me, and came to apologise for their stupidity. I was in need of solace, and we took to meeting privately at the top of the Astronomy Tower for a couple of weeks. She was so thoughtful and kind and generous… even though she still tried to convince me that they had meant no harm, I couldn't let it go. She always defended Pettigrew and Lupin, the weaker ones, and even kept a sympathetic ear for Black's tirades. But I was unable to forgive them, and eventually she left me alone again… right after I kissed her."
He recalled how surprised they'd both been when it happened. So surprised that at first she didn't fight it and he allowed himself a split second of delirious hope that she would be his. And for just a moment she was returning the kiss, shyly, but when he grew bolder she pushed away. Her face hadn't been angry or even hurt, but sad. She had to go back to HIM. She simply had to make things right with HIM. If not, then… she'd looked at Snape with those soft green eyes… Maybe he could have had a chance. If only he hadn't been a second choice. The leftover. The pity-case. He wanted to hate Lily Evans Potter for it. But he couldn't.
Juniper listened, both to his words and to the silences between them. She watched the bright glow of his heart pulse and ebb, tremble and burn. He'd loved the girl, or been boyishly in love with her, or at least wanted her. Because she represented all the things he'd never be allowed in his dark life.
"How much am I like her?" she asked hesitantly.
"Too much. And not really much at all," he said, looking into her face. "The colouring perhaps. Though your eyes are much brighter, your hair darker. Face is completely different. But… both of you have such kindness…" He faded away, unable to look at her again.
"And that is something you still need," she said, reaching up to his face, turning it toward her. "Also a bit of truth, while we're at it. You are not ugly or wretched as you believe. You are not at all."
"This is not a handsome face," he frowned.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder is it not, my dear Severus?" she said with a soft smile. "And I saw what you truly are from the first moment."
His heart throbbed at her words and her expression. "What", he said breathlessly, watching as her face drew nearer to his own, "am I?"
"Very special indeed," she whispered. And her lips met his again, without any pretense at all.
NOTES:
· TITLE. The Latin title "Confessionis" means "confession, acknowledgment, proof".
· THERION. The Greek name of the Kneazle "Therion" means exactly what Snape says it does. Pretty silly. And I still prefer Greek to Latin, but thanks to JKR I've had to learn both. sigh Will my education never end? (Please, Professor, let me put down all my books and rest. No? All right, I'll just serve detention after I take a little nap here in class… Hehe!)
· JUNIPER'S PARENTS. Their names were chosen with care. "Salvete" is Latin and means "welcome, greeting" (I thought he should be Italian with the last name being Latin already). The violet flower is used magically and herbally for all sorts of lovey-dovey sweet and healing things. I thought these names should be just about right for typical Hufflepuffs.
· SNAPE'S BACKGROUND. Of course I'm only guessing at this (though it's probably damn close), and I have no idea what JKR thinks of his feelings toward Lily. But I like this idea and so I'm sticking to it for this story, even if she writes something completely different (which knowing her, she will). [UPDATE: I was right, at least in essence.]