A/N Sorry for the delay!

Chapter 32

Surviving

"Pregnant?" Harry said weakly.

Hermione felt like she couldn't breathe. She couldn't believe Ginny. She couldn't believe Ginny would tell him. She promised. She couldn't look at him. Couldn't move. Tears were rolling down her face, but she wouldn't cry in front of him; she wouldn't start now. Pull yourself together. She linked her hands together and tried to blank it out, make it go away. He was talking, saying things but she didn't want to hear. She couldn't cope with it she just wanted out. She ran.

If she'd been thinking she would have realised that she didn't stand a chance of getting away. Before she'd even got to the door he was in front of her-

"Hermione! Talk to me!" he was pleading; pleading with her. She was hurting him again and she couldn't cope. She couldn't cause him more pain, she loved him so much it was like hurting herself. Only you deserve it. He stood before her, hands on her upper arms holding her gently when she lost it. She broke then and couldn't take it. She sobbed. She cried and cried, great whimpers of pain coming from her and he just held her. She collapsed into his arms crying and he held her tighter and stroked her hair lovingly. Over and over again he said soothing words to her, stroked her hair and held her tightly. She clutched him, tired of running from it and just needed him. He rocked her back and forth gently, as you might as grieving child and willed her to feel how much he loved her.

xxx

It was a long time later when Harry guided her gently towards the couch. She was still crying, but silently now, no longer sobbing. He sat her down but she wouldn't look at him. He sat and lent back into the couch, drawing her into his arms. She didn't resist, and after a few seconds she snuggled into him. He carried on stroking her hair, and from time to time kissed the top of her head. Eventually she relaxed a little more. He could sense she might fall asleep and he couldn't let her – it would be another way of avoiding talking and they had to discuss this now.

"Hermione?"

No reply.

"Sweetheart – I know you're awake... we need to talk about this."

She nodded, but didn't say anything. Nor did she move from where she was resting in Harry's arms.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She didn't answer straight away. It was killing him waiting, but somehow he knew he had to let her tell him in her own time.

"I didn't want it to change... I just wanted it to stay the same...we were happy..."

"You think that's going to change? You think that we won't be happy anymore?"

"You won't want-"

"Won't want what?" he said, no longer soothingly but sharply. He couldn't believe she'd doubt him. He sat up and made her look at him.

"All of it." She said, looking at him. He saw the sadness and grief, and felt a tidal wave of guilt as he realised that it was his fault she felt like that, it was his fault because he got her pregnant, and she clearly didn't want to be.

"I don't understand." He said dimly.

"... It's not all good Harry. It's not like Jamie. They don't just pop out all well mannered and happy. They don't want to play in their room sometimes or have friends over so you get time to yourself. There's no life until their a bit older. It's hard work, and long nights and being sick and in pain, and crying and dirty nappies. Its not all good-"

"I realise that Hermione-"

"-then why don't you understand. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be stressed and tired out all the time. I don't want you to feel resentful or moody all the time because I stupidly forgot to take a contraceptive potion. I don't want you to be trapped. I just... I just want you to be happy..."

"Why wouldn't I be happy?" Harry asked, never more uncertain about anything until now. "Why do you think I'd feel trapped?"

"That's what children do to people." Hermione said simply.

Something twigged in his mind as he asked softly "Is that how you feel about Jamie?"

"No! Of course not-"

"-Do you think that's how I feel about Jamie?" Harry asked her.

"No." she said quietly. "But-"

"-But what?" She didn't answer. "You think I'll resent you for getting pregnant? That I'll feel trapped by a baby?" She nodded. "Because that's how you father felt." The tears rolled down her face as she nodded again. "So- now you know I'm happier with Jamie – with you and Jamie in my life you've decided that I'm suddenly going to turn into your Dad." He took her hand in his. "I am not your father Hermione. I won't feel trapped, or resentful or angry, I'm not going to be anymore moody than I am now, and if I ever am moody it won't be our child's fault. If I'm stressed it'll probably because of work or something else equally unimportant – it won't be our child's – our children's fault." He watched as his words sunk in, but wasn't sure they really did. "Hermione – I know it's a shock, I know its sudden and maybe this isn't the best timing in the world but I don't care-" Her tear-stained eyes met his "-I want this baby. I want another member of our family." She cried again and returned to his arms, only she cried in relief and he could tell the difference. He held her more tightly and realised for the first time that her childhood might just have been as screwed up as his.