A Small vignette. Unnamed characters.

There She Was

I stole coy glances at her over the table in the Great Hall that morning oh-so-long ago now. Laughing with her friends, eating her cereal. Her long hair swishing as she turned to talk to a friend on her other side. For some unexplained reason I felt a jolt in my stomach, not all unsimilar to the one I felt when I was younger when my father took me to the Quidditch cup using the portkey. But I hadn't moved from my seat. I blushed and stared into my plate, with its single slice of toast. Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore. Excusing myself to my friends, I walked almost too-casually from the hall and, once I was outside, I ran right up to my dorm.

I burst through the door and collapsed on the bed, flinging the curtains of the four poster shut. What was wrong with me? I spent the rest of that morning lying in bed, hugging my pillow, just thinking. Thank goodness it was a Saturday and I didn't miss classes. A few tears were running softly and silently down my cheeks and dripping onto my neck. She was a girl, how could I possibly...No, that was silly, wasn't it?

My mind flashed back to the time about a month before I got my Hogwarts letter. I had seen a muggle magazine belonging to one of the girls in my street, and I noticed the female singers, and I felt...things. But I was eleven, and didn't understand much about things like that. Girls my age had only just started noticing boys. Sure, I had those feelings too...but there were also the girls in the magazine. I shoved all thoughts like that to the back of my mind, it was absurd. I was so scared of being anything "abnormal" that I couldn't even admit my feelings to myself.

It had been four years since that day, four whole years. My Hogwarts letter had distracted me even further, and all thoughts like that were buried in the back of my mind. I made new friends, and my classes were okay...well, except potions, but no-one particularly likes Snape, unless they're in Slytherin. I'm fifteen years old now, and it's getting more difficult. My friends are getting boyfriends...heck, I've even had boyfriends. They all go on about how they fancy Harry Potter, you've heard of him, who hasn't. But when they turn to me, I just smile and pretend I like him, when, to be honest, I'm more interested in the group of girls behind him.

My brain was swimming with thoughts now, all wound up into confusing tangles. The thoughts were back. Did I like this girl...like that? Her face kept popping into my mind, and when it did, I smiled through my tears. I was startled as one of my friends cautiously opened the curtains, saw my tears, and fussed over me, asking what was wrong, hugging me. Of course I couldn't tell her, I mean, I share a room with her, we hug and share secrets...she'll probably get all wierd and stop talking to me. I said I was fine and grabbed a book, claiming I had homework to catch up on. Unsatisfied, she left, assuring me I could always talk to her.

That made me cry again. This is one thing I yearn to talk about, to hear others' opinions and thoughts and advice...but one thing I can never tell anyone.

That day had played over and over in my mind for many months now, like it just did there. I'm meant to be studying for herbology right now, but plants just aren't my main concern right now. When I was home over Christmas, I was with some of my muggle friends again, and I saw some more things in the magazines. Problem pages, real-life stories and articles. And it made me realise...I'm not a freak. There are other people like me, and they get by, they're happy. And, an even bigger shock to me...It's okay to like girls and boys. My parents never really discussed the issue of sexuality with me, so I just thought it was one or the other. So that added even more thoughts into the confusing mix.

Scanning the common room, I look at everyone. I wonder what their worries are, their "secrets". I wonder if some of them are having thoughts like mine.

"Hey!" A voice calls from behind me. I turn round, and there he is. He smiles and sits beside me with his own homework. "How's the studying?"

I smile back at him "Fine," I answer, and look back down at my page. Its funny, I went out with him for a few months, just before Christmas, and I was so in love with him, and I think he did love me too, but it just didnt't work out. Now he is one of my closest friends, and he knows everything...well, almost everything...about me. It's better that way I guess. I don't know why, but I start giggling and blushing like a little girl, with some strange urge to tell him.

"What?" He smiles back, confused.

"Oh, nothing!" I grin, and look back to my book, trying to hide my smile. He reaches over and playfully punches my arm.

"Tell me!" He says, "What're you hiding?"

"Nothing!" I answer, a little too quickly. "I...I need to go get another book." I say, and run back upstairs to the girls' dorms. I flop into my bed in fits of giggles. I really don't know where this is coming from! I mean, I trust this guy with my life, and he knows everything else about me. And now I've made him suspicious! I hear the door opening and one of the girls comes in. She tells me he's asking if I'm coming for dinner. I smile and go back downstairs.

We walk to the great hall together, I'm still blushing. He's still annoyed I'm not telling him why. We enter the hall, and my eyes automatically roam for her. I can't see her anywhere. My heart sinks a little. I don't even notice myself slowing down.

"Hey, what is it?" He asks, placing his hand on my arm.

"Oh, nothing." I say, shaking my head, as a group of people brush past me. My heart freezes as I realise that one of them was her. She turns and apologises. I'm too dumbstruck to say anything. I say "It's ok." Yeah, very impressive. She smiles and catches back up with her friends, gossiping away as they find their seats.

I smile at my friend again as we sit down and watch the food appear.

"So, are you going to tell me what you've been giggling about all day?" He says, filling his plate.

"No!" I answer playfully and reach for the potatoes.

"You fancy someone!" He decides, and scans the room, saying random boys' names. "Is it him?" he says, pointing to a boy a few seats down.

"No!" I say.

I really want to tell him, I think. I mean, he's my best friend, and he knows way more secrets than my female friends. And it's not that I don't trust them with anything, theres some things I just don't want them to know, you know?

I look over to where she's sitting, one of her friends has obviously said something funny, and she erupts with mirth. She looks so happy. Her smile is just...I stop myself. This is still strange, even for me. I look back to my plate. I can feel his eyes on me.

"What is it with you today?" He says, almost to himself, before going back to his own plate.

I smile at him. I can't tell him, not yet. It's still to wierd, even for me. And although I'm starting to accept myself, I can't...I'm just not ready to tell anyone else yet. I'm not worried about what he'll think...he knows bigger secrets about me than this, and I'm sure he'd take it okay...I just couldn't say the words, but I guess that's okay too...right?