animedeprived: I want a pony named Happy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, Yu Yu Hakusho, or Yu-Gi-Oh, but I do own this cute little flamethrower. Wanna see it? Also, congrats to whoever invented Keiko's Spirit Shield Breaking Slap. I don't know who you are, but that's very funny.
(A self-help organization's building)
"All right, everyone, settle." The counselor says sharply. "It's time to start our fifth session. Yusuke, share your feelings with us."
"Well, yesterday, Keiko yelled at me for being late to our date. That made me ANGRY. I tried so hard to get there on time, but these demons kept popping up in front of me on the street! I had to fight through them and it wasn't easy, but did she appreciate that?NOOOOOO!"
"YEAH, RIGHT, YUSUKE!" Keiko yells.
"Keiko, do you have something you would like to share?"
"Yes, I do! It's bad enough that Yusuke keeps standing me up, but I think it's WORSE when he shows up an hour after the movie ended, DRUNK, at the end of a long line of unconscious pedestrians! He was so messed up that he thought they were demons!"
"Man, Urameshi," Kuwabara says. "You gotta stop hangin' out with that Marik guy. He's gettin' you in trouble."
"I can't help it!" Yusuke wails. "I bump into him on the street and that thing he named Roddy calls to me. It says, 'Come, drink with me. Drink with me...'"
"Anyway, I think Yusuke deserves to be punished!" Keiko says.
"I can handle that for you." Rando says, cracking his knuckles. "Now, how to do it..."
"Oh, shut up, stupid." Toguro says. "Everyone here knows that you can't beat Yusuke. That MY job."
"Who are you calling stupid, ugly!"
Hiei looks up from his trance. "Both of you be quiet. You're interrupting my meditation."
"Hey, shrimp, who asked you to get involved?" Kuwabara yells.
"I don't need your permission to do things. An ignoramus like you can't even order a two year old around."
"Hey, I think that's an insult!"
"And that's a lie. You don't think."
By now, everyone is shouting at each other except for Keiko, Botan, Shizuru, and Kurama. Shizuru rolls up her sleeves and Botan gets out her oar, then they wade into the fray, hitting whoever gets in their way and ultimately making everything WORSE. The situation is evolving into an all-out brawl, so Keiko shrugs and leaps in, too, using her shield-breaking slap.
Kurama sighs and asks the counselor, "I can understand THEM! But why am I here?"
"You're an accessory to the crime."
"Yes, but quite frankly, THEY'RE ALL NUTS!"
"Which is exactly why they're here."
Everyone in the fight stops and stares at the counselor. Botan has her oar in the air, about to smack Toguro. Keiko has Hiei and Rando by the hair. Shizuru has just smashed Yusuke and Kuwabara's heads together. Their faces all turn evil and they advance upon the counselor.
(A room down the hall)
"Okay, everyone, this only our third session, but I feel we're really making progress. Let's start with Shishio today. Have you been able to suppress those urges to take over the world?"
"Almost!" Shishio says cheerfully. "The constant roar of 'Kill, kill!' has been reduced to a tiny stream of whispers. A few more weeks and I'll be cured! After that, I'll start on forgiving the Imperialists who tried to burn me alive!"
"You say the Imperialists burned you alive, Shishio, but that's not how I heard it." Sano says. "I heard you were playing with matches and caught your clothes on fire, then ran around screaming like a girl until someone dumped a bucket of water on your head."
"That's a lie!" Shishio yells. "I was burned alive by the Imperialists!"
"Please, calm down, you two." The counselor says. "Now, Gohei, have you been able to forgive Kenshin and Kaoru yet?"
"No."
"Why not? They said they were sorry, didn't they? And it was for the best, since you kept killing people."
"But they had no right to smash BOTH of my hands and make me unable to hold a sword ever again!"
"I agree, Gohei. Let's have a group discussion. Do you think the situation was handled correctly, or did Kenshin and Kaoru's father use extreme measures?"
"I think they handled it perfectly." Yahiko says. "Gohei killed many people for no reason. He deserved to be punished."
"I agree with Gohei." Jinei says. "They didn't have to cripple him for life."
"Well, you're crazy! No one cares what you think! You're just like Gohei. You feel that swords are weapons to kill people with, not to protect the innocent." Kaoru yells.
"The Battosai killed hundreds and he got away with it! Gohei killed about twenty people and now his hands are useless! How fair is that!" Jinei shouts.
"Sir Ken never liked to kill, he did it for the revolution!" Megumi puts in loudly. "At least now he is trying to atone for his misdeeds!"
"Oh, yes." Sojiro says cynically. "The great Battosai now uses his sword to protect the weaklings who are better off dead."
Kenshin looks back and forth at the people who are yelling. His eyes grow wide as both his names, Kenshin and Battosai, bounce around the room. These words open a small part of him and he is once more lost in a decades-old argument. Is he Kenshin Himura, or Battosai the Manslayer?
Kenshin stands up and screams. Everyone stares at him as he curls up in a fetal position in one corner of the room and starts sucking his thumb.
Everyone blinks, then starts shouting at each other again. Kaoru pulls a wooden sword from somewhere in her shirt and starts to beat Gohei over the head with it. Megumi is smacking Jinei with her fan. Yahiko attacks Sano from behind for no reason and they disappear into a cloud of smoke as they roll around, punching and kicking. Sojiro watches with a smile, then transforms into a rabid tenken when Kaoru "accidentally" hits him with her sword. He then runs around trying to bite people. Shishio strikes a match and watches it burn down to his fingertips. The flame ignites his bandages and spreads. Shishio's eyes bug out when he sees the growing flames. He leaps up, shrieking, and starts running around the room, screaming for water.
"EVERYBODY, SIT DOWN!" The counselor shouts.
The scene freezes. Sojiro releases Kaoru, whose neck he was about to bite. The fan and sword are put away and everyone slowly, carefully, returns to their seats, keeping their eyes on the counselor. Shishio is still burning and Sojiro is still foaming at the mouth.
"Kenshin Himura, get in your seat!" The counselor says dangerously.
Kenshin, in the corner, stops sucking on his thumb. He looks up at the counselor. His eyes have turned hard and cold like ice and he grins evilly. "I am no longer Kenshin Himura. I AM BATTOSAI THE MANSLAYER NOW!" He grabs a chair and breaks it over the counselor's head. The counselor falls down, dead.
Everyone gasps. "I thought he said he would never kill again!" Kaoru says.
Kenshin-
(manslayer glares at camera)
Er, I mean theBATTOSAI.
(manslayer grins again)
Yeah, the Battosai picks up one of the chair's legs and starts swinging it around wildly, hitting as many people as he can.
Jinei laughs. "Wonderful! All my hard work has paid off! Battosai the manslayer has returned!"
Kenshin knocks him out with the chair leg, then swings at Kaoru, who ducks and says, "I am SO glad I made him leave his sword at home today!"
Kenshin freezes. "SWORD? MUST! HAVE! SWORD!"
"Uh-oh!"
(another room farther down the hall)
The counselor has an attendance sheet in front of him and is holding a pencil.
"I'm going to be taking attendance before we begin our first session. We can't have any of you playing hooky already, can we?"
Everyone groans.
"Yami Yugi?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"Yami... Bakura?"
Yami Bakura grunts.
"Oh, dear. Two Yamis. What shall we do about this?"
"My name is Yami Bakura. Nothing else."
"You can call me Pharaoh, foolish mortal."
"NO!" Marik yells, swaying from side to side. (Yep, you guessed it. He's DRUNK. And high, too, of course) "I'm the Pharaoh!"
"You wish."
"Well, then, let's continue. Maxamillion Pegasus?"
"Just Pegasus, please."
"Tristan Taylor?"
"Yo."
"Joey Wheeler?"
"Yep."
"Marik Ishtar?"
"Oh, yeah, I'm here!"
"Seto Kaiba?"
"Grumble..."
Yami grins. "Wazza matter, Kaiba? Too good to be in anger management with the poor people?"
"I'm only here because the court ordered me to come!" Kaiba shouts. "I do NOT have an anger problem! I just got mixed up with you people! Being near you has given me a bad reputation! You keep getting me in trouble!"
"Now, come on, Kaiba! It wasn't OURfault you decided to steal all those packs of cigarettes and bottles of vodka." Tristan says.
"Yes, it is! You hid it all in my car after YOU stole it! I don't even smoke! OR drink!"
Joy frowns. "Then why did you have all that vodka in you kitchen?"
"For parti- Wait a second! How did you know that?"
Joey, Tristan, Yami, and Yami Bakura all stare at the ceiling, whistling and twiddling their thumbs.
"Hey! So you ARE the ones who wrecked my kitchen!"
"I can say quite truthfully that it wasn't US." Yami says.
"Everyone, calm down!" The counselor yells.
"NO! SHUT UP! Everyone shouts. Then they start yelling again. Kaiba, Joey, Yami, Tristan, and Yami Bakura are arguing about who did or did not destroy Kaiba's kitchen. Pegasus pulls a wine glass, a bottle, and a comic book from his hair. He pours himself a glass of "fruit juice."
Riiight... fruit juice... Let's take a poll. Who out there really believes that's fruit juice?
(crickets chirp)
That's what I thought
Pegasus then begins to read his comic, pausing occasionally to laugh loudly or sip his "juice."
Marik stares at the mostly-full bottle that Pegasus left by his chair, grabs it, and chugs the entire thing in less than two seconds
Wow. New world record. His mother must be SO proud
Suddenly, the door flies open and an ever-hated voice floats in from the hallway.
"Hey, guys. What are you all doing here? Are you in anger management, too?"
Pegasus drops his glass. Everyone else stops arguing. Marik stares stupidly at the door with the empty bottle hanging from one corner of his mouth.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! TEA!"
Everyone scrambles over the chairs, the tables, and the counselor to reach the corners of the room that are the farthest away from the door.
"T-T-Tea!" Joey stammers. "W-W-What are you doing here?"
"The court says I have anger issues!" Tea says cheerfully. A shadow falls over her face and her eyes turns bloodshot. "Kill. Must kill. Kiiiiiillllllll..." The shadow vanishes and Tea giggles. "I don't know what they mean!"
Everyone shudders.
"Anyway, I'm glad you guys are all here! Now I can tell my friendship speeches to people who really appreciate them! As friends, we must stand by each other and learn to control our emotions, so none of you have any more sudden urges to throw me off any stadiums."
Tea continues to ramble on. Yami grabs Marik by the collar and pulls him closer, telling everyone else, "Huddle."
They all form a circle.
"We gotta do something about this." Yami says.
"About what?" Tristan asks. "Tea or anger management?"
"Both." Yami replies. "The counselor has to go, too."
"All of the counselors in this building have to go." Yami Bakura added.
"Counselors are our ENEMY!" Marik shouts.
Everyone shushes him and Yami continues. "All right. This is what we do." He whispers for a few minutes, then asks, "Got it?"
Everyone nods. They look up... and Tea is gone!
"Oh, no! She's gone!" Pegasus shouts. "Now what do we do?"
"We have to find her. Joey, Tristan, and Kaiba will go one way-"
"Hey! Why do I get stuck with all the stupid people?" Kaiba complains.
"You want Marik?" Yami asks.
"No." Kaiba says quickly.
"Then don't whine. Yami Bakura, Pegasus, and I will go the other way. Spread the word as you search."
"What about me?" Marik asks.
"Umm... You stay here and gaud the counselor." Yami says quickly. "Put him under mind control or something and make sure he doesn't leave this room."
"Wa-hoo!" Marik exclaims. He reaches into his ear and pulls out the Millennium Rod. When everyone else leaves, he is waving Roddy in front of the counselors face and saying, "Watch the pretty Roddy... You are getting sleepy... very sleepy... you will do as I say when I count back to 1. 3, 5, 7, 10, 20,000, 90, 64, 800, 5,000,000, ONE!"
Yami overhears this as he leaves and exclaims, "Oh, Ra, help us!"
The Yu Yu Hakusho cast is almost on top of their counselor when Tea pops up in front of them.
"Hey, everyone, what's up?"
Everyone in the room (except the counselor) shrieks and retreats to the other side of the room, hiding behind whatever they can.
"Wh-what is it?" Toguro asks from behind Yusuke, the safest place in the room. His voice has become high-pitched and he is pale and trembling.
"Whatever it is, I can feel a very strong sense of love and happiness emanating from it." Kurama says, peering out from behind a bookshelf.
Hiei hisses. "Evil."
"Wait! I know what it is!" Botan says. "Koenma told me about it. It's a cast member from that dueling show, Yu-Gi-Oh. Her name is Tea Gardner. She is widely known and feared for her endless speeches on the virtues of love, friendship, trust, and the like. She continues to thrive despite the best efforts of the other cast members. I'm not sure exactly how many times they've tried to kill her. Last month it was somewhere in the ten thousands, and I'm sure it's gone up since then."
"G-Great." Yusuke says. He shoves Kuwabara out of his hiding place. "YOU take care of this."
"Huh? Why me?"
Yami, Yami Bakura, and Pegasus burst into the room.
"Everyone remain calm!" Yami announces. "We have the situation under control! You two tackle her while I explain the plan."
"NO!" Pegasus says. "I am the OWNER of Industrial Illusions, and a well respected member of the community. I will not humiliate myself in such a fashion. Besides, why do you always get all the easy jobs?"
"FINE!" Yami shouts. "YOU explain the plan. Come on, Bakura, let's get her."
So Pegasus tells everyone the plan while Yami and Yami Bakura circle Tea.
"Come on, evil one." Bakura says. "Give me your best shot."
The shadow crosses Tea's face again and her eyes turn bloodshot. Her teeth become fangs dripping with saliva.
"I will tear you limb from limb!" Tea says in a deep voice. She pounces on Yami Bakura and tries to bite his neck. "Must have BLOOD!"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! GET OFF ME, YOU EVIL WITCH!" Yami Bakura shouts, throwing Tea off.
Tea hits the ground, shakes off the dizziness, and scrambles for the door, passing Kuwabara on the way.
"She's escaping!" Kurama yells.
Yami holds up one hand. "MIND SHATTER!"
Tea is too quick, dodges the Mind Shatter, and runs out the door. Yami's blast instead hits Kuwabara head on.
Kuwabara falls to the floor as though he's dead.
"Uh-oh." Yami says. "Oops."
Kuwabara's eyes snap open and he leaps to his feet once more. "Hey, what happened?"
Yami, Yami Bakura, and Pegasus's jaws all hit the floor.
"What was that supposed to do?" Yusuke asks.
"Mind Shatter banishes the victim's mind in the Shadow Realm forever." Yami explains.
Shizuru laughs. "You can't get rid of something that isn't there!"
"Hey!"
Shizuru glares at Kuwabara. "Shut up, little brother."
Kuwabara shuts up.
"Come on." Yami says. "Maybe the others will find her. Let's get back."
Kenshin in still swinging his chair leg around wildly, yelling about wanting his sword when Tea pops up in front of him, happy once more.
"Hey, Mr. Swordsman Guy! You sure don't look happy!"
"DIE!" Kenshin yells, swinging at Tea, who ducks.
Kaiba, Joey, and Tristan run in.
There she is!" Joey shouts. "Grab her!"
Joey and Tristan both try to tackle Tea, but miss, smash heads, and both get clobbered in the head by Kenshin's chair leg without even flinching. The chair leg gets speared on Tristan's spike and Kenshin struggles for a few minutes, trying to free it.
"What's the matter with him?" Kaiba asks.
"Umm, we sorta triggered his manslayer side by accident." Yahiko says.
"Great." Kaiba mutters. He finds another whole chair leg in the rubble, flips it into his hands with one foot, then walks up behind Kenshin, who doesn't notice him because he's too busy hitting random objects in the room. Kaiba brings the chair leg crashing down on Kenshin's head. Kenshin's eyes spin and he collapses.
For a few seconds, the only sound is from Joey and Tristan chasing Tea around the room. Then Kenshin sits back up, perfectly normal again. He looks at the destruction and says, "What has happened here? This place is a mess, that it is."
"Pathetic imbecile." Kaiba mutters, throwing the chair leg away.
"Hey, come help us!" Tristan yells.
So everyone except Kaiba and Shishio chase Tea around the room, then manage to tackle her and pin her to the floor.
"What are you all doing here?" Megumi asks.
"We're on a mission." Joey explains. "We're going to destroy all the counselors in the building." He looks around. "Where's yours?"
"Well, he's dead." Sojiro says (also back to normal). "We chucked him down the chute to the furnace to destroy the evidence."
"Oh, well, that's good. Help us carry Tea back to our room and we'll have some fun." Tristan says.
They carry Tea back after tying her up with a cord and meet Yami, Yami Bakura, and Pegasus, along with the Yu Yu Hakusho cast and their counselor (also tied up).
"Look who we found!" Tristan says.
"Great!" Yami says. "Come on. Let's go get rid of them now."
In the room, Marik and the brainwashed counselor are chugging bottles of wine that Marik also pulled from his ear (hey, there's a lot of empty space in there. At least he puts it to good use).
"Hey, you guys, look." Marik says, pointing at the counselor. "I (hic) kept him here just like you (hic) said. Idn't that great? (Burp!)"
"Yeah, great..." Yami says. "Grab the counselor."
Yami Bakura, Tristan, and Joey grab the counselor. Yami inspects the window.
"Oh, crap!" Yami says. "This is bullet-proof glass! How are we going to break it?"
Everyone tries to break the window. Kenshin tries his Amakakaru ryu no Hirameki (which might have worked if he had a real sword and not the wimpy wooden one Kaoru let him borrow, which was smashed in the attempt without even putting a dent in the window). Yusuke uses the Spirit Wave. Everyone uses Joey's head as a battering ram (Tristan's would have been harder, but it was too pointy. Absolutely no surface area). Even Keiko's spirit shield breaking slap has no effect.
"Great. Now we gotta lug them up to the roof." Yami complains.
Marik holds up one hand to stop them from leaving. He stares at the window with a strange expression on his face (stranger than normal, anyway), and then...
"BEEEEEEEEELLLLLCH!"
The foundation of the building shakes and the window shatters. Everyone cheers.
Marik bows, smacks his lips, and says, "Mmm, tasty."
"I can do that, too!" Pegasus says, feeling inferior. He got the same strange expression on his face, but his burp came out as more of a "burp."
Everyone in the room who is not tied up falls flat on their faces.
"THAT WAS PATHETIC!" Yami shouts, rolling up his sleeves. "Marik, give me your Millennium Rod."
"Okay!" Marik hands Roddy over, pauses, then asks, "Wait, why? What are you going to use it for?"
"I'm going to send Pegasus to the Shadow Realm with it."
"Okay!" Marik says. He pauses again, then he adds, "Wait. You can't use Roddy's powers."
"Who said anything about using its powers? I'm going to banish him the hard way."
"OKAY!" Marik says gleefully. Then he thinks for a second. "NO! RODDY! USE YOUR OWN STUPID MILLENNIUM ITEM!"
"No, I might dent it."
Yami proceeds to beat the crap out of Pegasus, but his efforts are thwarted after a short time when Marik steals Yami Bakura's Ring and hits him on the head with it. Marik drops the Ring and grabs Roddy, then is knocked unconscious by Bakura.
Everyone lines up in groups. Yu Yu Hakusho and Rurouni Kenshin cast members first with the two counselors, then the Yu-Gi-Oh characters with Tea. They all cheer as the first counselor is thrown out the window and falls to the sidewalk, where he is killed instantly. The second counselor shares his fate, landing next to the first one.
"Well, see ya, Tea!" Joey says.
"Yeah, so long." Tristan adds.
Yami grins. "We promise not to cry over you."
With that, they heave Tea out the window and crowd around the window to watch her fall.
As Tea falls, she somehow manages to wiggle out of the rope, slips off her gag and starts screaming. She draws closer and closer to the sidewalk and then lands with a thud, right on top of the two counselors.
A huge cheer floats out of the window. Inside, everyone is celebrating. The Yu-Gi-Oh cast still leans out the window, happy that the evil friendship demon is finally gone.
Then, to their horror, she starts to twitch. Then she moves. Then she stands. Tea shakes herself off and yells up to the window, "I know you guys didn't mean to throw me out the window, but it's okay! These dead people broke my fall and saved my life!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Tea giggles and waves. "Bye, guys! I'm going home now!" The shadow falls across her face again. "I will return soon to destroy you all!"
Up in the anger management room, the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh is holding an unconscious Pegasus at the window, ready to throw him out in hopes of hitting Tea and maybe actually killing her (or at least causing some bruises). Pegasus wakes up and, guessing what they are about to do, shouts, "NO, DON'T THROW ME DOWN THERE WITH HER!"
The others pause, shrug, and set him down.
"He's suffered enough." Joey says.
"Yeah." Tristan agrees. "I wouldn't wish something like that on my worst enemy."
Yami Bakura stares straight at Pegasus and mutters, "Whiner," before he exits.
"It's not fair." Yami whimpers, pounding his fist on the window frame. "It's just not fair! This ALWAYS happens! Why won't she DIE?"
As everyone leaves, Marik glances at Yusuke and grins. He pulls out Roddy, holds it in front of Yusuke's face, and whispers, "Come, drink with me. It'll be fun..."
"Wait a second, where's Shishio?" Sano asks.
"Oh, he burned into a pile of ashes long ago, that he did. That's what you get for listening to the evil counselors." Kenshin says happily.
All right, I admit, I had a TINY bit of help with this one. My older brother, whose mind is almost as twisted as mine, gave me a couple ideas. But the rest of it is all mine! I will use the power of your laughter to take over the world! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!