The Right to Choose
By Manny Santos
The right to choose whether or not to have an abortion may be taken away from us. I am not sure if it is a good decision or not. I have had to face the decision myself. It is not an easy decision and not one to be taken lightly. It took me a long time and many sleepless hours to come to the decision I made. I would never wish that process on even my worst enemies.
Many things traveled through my mind while decided whether or not to have the abortion. Would my friends look at me with scorn? Would I actually be able to live with myself after the fact? Would it hurt? Emotionally? Physically? How would this affect my religious beliefs? How would my family feel? How do I go about telling the father? The questions just kept coming...the answers still have not surfaced. I had to make this decision on instinct alone.
This is not a choice that can be made for you. This is as personal as anything can get. I got advice from a friend who had to make the same decision once. She chose not to have the abortion. I was leaning towards the choice to have the abortion. I say leaning towards it because I never got the chance to make the choice. I miscarried before the final decision could be actually made.
This is the first time I have admitted to the fact. You assumed that I had the abortion and I never confirmed nor denied it. Now you know the truth. It was not anything I did to get rid of the baby, it just happened on its own. I agonized over the decision for days. I worried, fretted, and agonized over ever part of this decision. I ran the questions over and over in my mind, still never coming with answers, only more questions. Then the fateful day happened.
The day I miscarried. It was a Saturday morning and I felt a small pain in my stomach. I did not know what was wrong. I thought I might have eaten something wrong the night before. I went into the bathroom and saw that I had started to bleed a little. I called the friend I mentioned earlier and she took me to the hospital. The doctor called it spotting and said it can sometimes happen in early stages of pregnancy. She kept me in the hospital for a few hours and then sent me home. My friend would not let me go back to an empty house so she let me come home with her. I seemed to be okay for a little while.
Later that night, I started having harder pains in my stomach. I got sick and started to run a fever. My friend was very concerned about what this could have possible meant. When I started bleeding even harder than this morning, she took me back to the hospital. The doctor examined me. She had a look on her face that I did not want to interpret but I could tell it was not good news. She told me I was beginning to miscarry.
I was confused at first, then she explained that this happens to even the healthiest women. There may be something wrong with the baby that my body rejected it. It could have been that I was not ready for a baby and my body knew it so it decided for me. She said I did nothing wrong and not to blame myself for it. It hurt a lot to miscarry both physically and emotionally. I was in pain physically for weeks. My entire body was tender and I wanted to sleep for days. I was drained and wanted a dark room. Emotionally, I may never heal completely again. I know I was thinking of aborting the baby anyway but losing the baby without a choice hurt too.
I feel horrible because at first I was relieved that I did not have to make the choice and I did not have to have the baby. I could not believe that I felt like that. How could I feel relieved about a baby dying? Then the hurt set in, it was late one night about two weeks later. I had been agonizing over the relief I felt and it finally hit me. I did miss the baby. I missed being pregnant. I missed out on a life that had yet to exist. I had to tell the father what had happened. I could not face that yet. He was told the next morning after I started to feel the emotional ramifications of the incident.
He was upset and yet oddly relieved as well. I know we are too young to have a family and I know we aren't in love. It was a passing fancy, a lust acted upon when it should not have been. We sat in silence after I delivered the shocking blow for about an hour. He said he was sorry that it happened that way. I said it wasn't his fault and there was no need to be sorry. We knew I was going to end it anyway, nature took the course for us. It was the easy way out for the both of us. It was easier because there would be no guilt on either of our parts. We hope to remain friends but I don't see how that will work. There are just too many memories between us.
I will remember being pregnant. I will remember trying to decide about having an abortion. I will remember the pain. I will remember telling the father what happened and his expression. I will always remember the way I felt when people found out and started treating me different. I will also remember the whispers, laughs and rumors floating around school after everyone thought I had an abortion. I guess now you know the truth. I did not decide to end it, it was decided for me.