Cheat Commandos: Movies of Doom
Author's notes: I do not own anything on the Homestar Runner website.
"Hey kids, guess what time it is? It's not 2 PM! It's time for Cheat Commandos! Rock, rock on!" announced the announcer as the Cheat Commandos logo appeared.
"But! There is a contest for the Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset! Get some coupons in the Cheat Commandos O's and Cheat Tarts (both cheap as free) so you can maybe win some few pounds!" added the announcer.
Then we cut to the Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset, and inside a room with a stage, Flashfight was talking with a microphone in front of Gunhaver, Reynolds, Silent Rip, Ripberger, Reynforcements, Fightgar, and Crackotage. Firebert was sent to his house to think of a better commando name. Foxface was doing her shopping in the mall, as usual.
"And then ze president went up to me and asked where heez hand meeror ees. I told heem eet's een heez coat pocket, and he found eet. He looked at heez face and screamed for half a week!" said Flashfight with a French accent.
All of the Cheat Commandos present besides Reynolds laughed at the joke.
"I don't get the funny part. Also, I don't think it's right to insult your boss, and the president," commented Reynolds.
"Ar, eet makes me sick to see a loosser not laugh at me joke. I'm going to go to ze Pentagon," decided Flashfight as he exited the room with Gunhaver following.
"So, does that mean I'm in charge?" asked Gunhaver.
"Oh course. You are only second to me, seence I have three medals and fieeve buttons, unlike you! Now, farewell!" saluted Flashfight as he went in his flying desk, which flew to the Pentagon.
"See ya Flashfight!" said Gunhaver as the rest came to join him, "Come on commandos except for Reynolds, let's watch the TV!"
"Um, why not watch the home movies we made when we first met?" suggested Reynolds.
"Boring!" replied the rest of the Cheat Commandos except for Crackotage, still looking for a couplet to say for a comment, and Ripberger, who couldn't really speak English well, and only understood a few words.
Then they dashed to the TV room.
"Go to the cooking channel!" said Reinforcements, who had Coach Z's voice. Then everybody looked at him.
"What?" asked Reinforcements.
Suddenly, the TV screen was replaced by a blue screen that said "Blue Las-alert on TV!"
"It's a Blue Las-alert on TV!" observed Silent Rip.
"Uh, how do we work this?" asked Gunhaver as he pushed several buttons on the remote control, none doing any good.
"I have an idea!" said Fightgar as he got out his gun and fired at the TV to destroy it.
"Fightgar!" shouted everyone but Fightgar, Crackotage, Ripberger, and Reynolds, who didn't really care, for he knew where he can still watch home movies.
"Uh, I think we, uh, should look on that big computer?" suggested Fightgar.
"Good idea to save your life! Even I would have thought of that!" said Gunhaver, "Well, I did," added Gunhaver as he and Silent Rip dashed to the computer room.
Silent Rip pressed enter for details. The computer showed Blue Laser and his two cronies sitting at a movie theater.
"Blue Laser's been spotted at the nearest movie theater on Free Ticket Day!" said Silent Rip.
"With the money Blue Laser could save from the movie to get excitement, he could have more ideas to make more complex super weapons, like a teleporting destruction machine, or an invisible destruction machine! Cheat Commandos, except for Reynolds, you know what that means," said Gunhaver.
"Rock, rock, on!" said all of the Cheat Commandos (including Ripberger, this phrase is what Ripberger learned) except for Reynolds, who whispered, "Let's rock and roll!"
"I heard that Reynolds, there's no way we're going to rock and roll. Let's go in our Action Figure Storage Vehicle!" announced Gunhaver.
As the Cheat Commandos except for Reynolds walked away, Reynolds talked to Reinforcements, who was lagging behind.
"Listen Mr. Reinforcements..." began Reynolds.
"Ha! Ha! Ha! I like it when you call me that!" interrupted Reinforcements.
"Look, you know we are friends, I guess, and you are older than Gunhaver. So can you make him let me go with you on the mission. I'll be a good Cheat, I won't cause trouble... more than once," said Reynolds.
"Sure! You can go with me an gorbage duty!" replied Reinforcements to the shocked Reynolds.
"What?" asked Reynolds.
"Today's commyornity sorvice day! I could use a hand! No? Okay, bye! Justice, Rocket, Backpack, Rocket, Rocket, Launch!" shouted Reinforcements as he flew on his jet pack and made a hole in the ceiling, joining the other patched up holes.
"That's the 1,500th hole Reinforcements made in four months!" shouted Gunhaver as he got in the Action Figure Storage Vehicle.
"So, are we going to spy on the theater?" asked Silent Rip in the vehicle.
"Of course!" replied Gunhaver, who was driving, very badly, for he crashed into ten trash cans in a row, "We'll have to be very far away though! Don't want anybody to be too suspicious on us!"
Gunhaver, after crashing through many more trash cans, bushes, and mailboxes, he parked right in front of the movie theater's (Moo-V's Movies) ticket booth, crashing into Blue Laser's tank (yay!).
"Can I help you sirs, Cheat Commandos?" asked the ticket person inside the booth.
"Uh, we're not Cheat Commandos, we're..." began Gunhaver.
"Cheat Commanders!" answered Fightgar.
"Oh! Okay, I'll let you do your stuff while everyone who passes might be suspicious of you," replied the ticket person.
Then Gunhaver and Silent Rip looked at the movie theater though binoculars, which wasn't necessary, for they were right in front of it. Still, they're commandos, a little sloppy, but commandos.
"It looks like Blue Lasers' watching the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy so he can make a flying fire-breathing machine with swords!" declared Gunhaver.
"Sir, does that mean he'll burn our homes and cut down trees while we can't hit him?" asked Silent Rip.
Gunhaver nodded, and the Cheat Commandos gasped with ominous music playing.
"Well, that was pretty obvious," said Fightgar.
The Cheat Commandos gasped even more with an even more ominous music playing. Then a phone began to ring in the Cheat Commandos tune.
"It's the Cheat Commandos phone!" said Gunhaver as he picked up a cell phone (Cheap as Free).
"Hello?" asked Gunhaver.
Firebert on the other side was squeaking something on the other side.
"No, you can't come with us, Firebert, because you have a lousy commando name. Join Reinforcements on his garbage duty," ordered Gunhaver.
Firebert sighed on the other side as he hung up and left his house.
In the Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset, Reynolds was watching Cheat Commandos home movies in the movie room by watching on a screen with a reel on a projector, just like in 1933.
"Hey Reynolds, wanna come with us on a mission?" asked the young Gunhaver on the screen with Reynolds sitting on a desk with papers and books.
"I'd really love to Gunhaver, but I have to study for my RIE, Really Important Exams, so I can have a good future, I guess, unless this is all a scam, but still, it's more important for me than a mission," explained Reynolds.
"Okay, you won't go with us on anymore missions," decided Gunhaver as he left.
"Well, I guess it was a scam after all," said the present Reynolds.
The projector was making a lot of noise; he didn't realize that his popcorn on the oven was done. Then the popcorn began to light on fire.
Meanwhile at the movie theater, Silent Rip was looking though binoculars at Blue Laser and his cronies sitting alone, watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Right now, they were nearing the end of Battle of Pelennor Fields.
"THIS MOVIE DOESN'T SUCK!" screeched Blue Laser.
"Yes sir," answered both of his cronies.
"YOU! GET ME SOME MORE BUTTERED POPCORN!" screeched Blue Laser to the crony to his left.
"But sir, I'm lactose intolerant, sir," replied the crony.
"I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOTHER INTOLERATES IN YOUR BUTTERED POPCORN JOB! GET ME MY BUTTERED POPCORN, OR ELSE!" threatened Blue Laser.
"Why not make the other person who looks exactly and sounds exactly like me get it, sir? Why not get it yourself, sir?" asked the crony, going beyond what he was supposed to ask his leader.
"HE GOT ME MY DRINKS! I GOT ME MY POPCORN, AND I'M NOT GOING TO MISS ANY GOOD PART! NOW GO BEFORE I DEMOTE YOU!" screeched Blue Laser.
"This is the lowest level, sir," argued the grunt.
"I DON'T CARE! NOW GO!" shouted Blue Laser as he threw that crony out of his seat, and the crony began to walk towards the exit.
"Gulp, sir," muttered the crony.
Silent Rip got out of the way in time. Then he dashed to the entrance where the other Commandos were waiting for him.
"It's worse than we thought! He's nearing the end!" reported Silent Rip.
"Hey Rip, where is he?" asked Fightgar, curious.
"He is at the part where the green people went in the battlefield, and Legolas did something to the Olyphant!" answered Silent Rip.
"Oh man! That stinks! I shouldn't have come!" said Fightgar in distress.
"At least it's better than fixing the TV. Anyway, let's rock, rock, on!" shouted Gunhaver as all of the Cheat Commandos, except for Silent Rip, went crashing though the wall, right next to the entrance to the room. Silent Rip, with his poor aiming, landed in the popcorn making machine, where he scared off the Blue Laser crony with lactose intolerance.
"I DON'T HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH!" screeched Blue Laser.
"Not so fast, Blue Laser!" said Gunhaver as the Commandos who crashed through the wall landed next to Blue Laser and his crony.
"UGH! I AM SO TIRED OF YOU MANIACS! CAN'T YOU LET ME HAVE A NORMAL DAY FOR ONCE?" asked Blue Laser.
"Too much of buttered popcorn will make you fat, and soda won't quench your thirst like that!" said Crackotage, who chose his time to say his infamous couplet, followed by "He, he, hah, hah!"
"Uh," said the rest of the Cheats, thinking Crackotage's couplet sucked.
"ANYWAY! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING HERE! YOU HAVE TO GO HIGH ABOVE TO WHERE THE PROJECTOR IS AND TAKE THE REEL OUT TO SABOTAGE MY PERFECT DAY! BLAST! I TOLD YOU!" screeched Blue Laser.
"All right, Ripberger..." began Gunhaver, but Ripberger seemed to have teleported to the projector high above. It was actually his speed.
Back at the headquarters playset, Reynolds decided to get his long-forgotten popcorn. When he arrived at the kitchen, he saw that it was on fire, as well as the popcorn.
"Oh my gosh! Gunhaver and Flashfight's going to kill me! I burnt their favorite spoons!" exclaimed Reynolds as he ran to a large room and began running around in circles as the fire spread.
Back in the movie theater, Ripberger was heading towards the projector, slowly and carefully. Suddenly, the Blue Laser crony who was supposed to be getting the buttered popcorn and decided to go up here arrived.
"What are you doing here, sir?" asked the crony.
"I am not going to sabotage Blue Laser's day," lied Ripberger in Japanese, his native language, where he learned the skills of the ninja.
"Okay pajama sir," replied the crony as he left.
"I'm not wearing PJs. Anyway, they call me stealthy, but I'm also swift, smart, and extremely careful," Ripberger said in Japanese.
At that moment, Ripberger tripped over tiny piece of sand, falling out of the room and into his doom.
"Oh no!" shouted Gunhaver.
"Ripberger is falling out of the room and into his doom! He, he, ha, ha!" said Crackotage.
"That's really unnecessary!" said Gunhaver.
Suddenly, Firebert and Reinforcements came on their garbage duty under Ripberger. Reinforcements was picking up trash with tongs while Firebert was holding a black bag for trash. Suddenly, Ripberger fell in the bag to cushion his fall and to save his life.
"Great job Firebert! You saved a fellow, Japanese commando who doesn't speak English!" congratulated Gunhaver.
Firebert squealed in delight.
"But do you have a cool commando name? If so, you get a promotion. If not, this is nothing!" said Gunhaver.
"Meh," Firebert sighed sadly.
"THAT MOVIE WAS THE BEST!" screeched Blue Laser as he stood up when Frodo and Sam were on the rock ledge of Mt. Doom, spewing lava.
"It's not over yet, sir," said the other crony.
"BUT THE REST IS UNNECESSARY!" screeched Blue Laser as they walked away.
"Wait! We have yet to deal with you!" said Gunhaver as the Cheat Commandos, together (that includes Firebert and Reinforcements) gathered in front of the Blue Lasers.
"UGH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETER FRAMPTON, CAN'T YOU EVER REALIZE I'M TRYING TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE?" asked the furious Blue Laser.
But the Cheat Commandos didn't listen to that, for Silent Rip reported.
"Sir! The Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset is on fire!" alerted Silent Rip.
"Crap! We were had again! Let's on, rock, rock!" ordered Gunhaver.
"What?" asked the other commandos who could speak English with confusion.
"Uh, that's what we should say when retreating!" announced Gunhaver.
Then the Cheat Commandos drove to the Headquarters Playset (crashing the vehicle onto a wall) and entered the headquarters, burnt. Although the fire was out, they found out who might have caused the fire.
"All right Blue Laser, where the crap are you?" asked Gunhaver.
"Oh sir, it's my fault, Gunhaver, I was watching..." began the guilty Reynolds as he stepped forward.
When the flying desk arrived with Flashfight.
"Gunhaver, thees ees a mess. What have you done? You're not going to be leeder when sometheeng happens to me!" scolded Flashfight.
"Oh no! It's Blue Laser's fault!" said Gunhaver.
Later that evening, Gunhaver was standing on the rooftop.
"Next episode, Blue Laser, NEXT EPISODE!" shouted Gunhaver.
"Buy all our playsets and toys!" sang the chorus as the words appeared above Gunhaver.
Epilogue:
Blue Laser and his cronies were in Blue Laser's nana's backyard, making a futile attempt to make a movie. The two cronies were wearing beards with wooden swords with a camera filming them.
"Uh, sir, I think I'll kill you, sir," said the first crony.
"No sir, I'll kill you, sir," said the other crony.
"CUT! THAT SUCKED MORE THAN THAT LAST ONE! WE NEED REFRESHMENTS! YOU!" screeched Blue Laser as he pointed to the crony with lactose intolerance, "GET US SOME EXTRA CHEESE SANDWICHES AND THREE EXTRA LARGE CUPS OF MILK! AND SOME CREAM CHESE!" ordered Blue Laser.
"Gulp, sir," muttered that crony.
THE END