Interlude

5.00pm

Samantha had been just lying there for half an hour, just lying. Thinking. She hated hospitals. All you could do in them was sit and think. Sam sighed. God, she wanted to get out. Be back in the office, being useful. That was one of her worst fears, being useless. Her father had never made her feel particularly needed or wanted. Years of hearing that had made her insecure.

Sure, she hid her insecurities from everyone, but that didn't

mean she didn't have any. People all seemed to think that she was some kind of superhero in a strange way, never letting her feelings show and always acting strong and confident. She chuckled to herself. Well if only they knew that underneath her facade she still felt all the same feelings they did. She wasn't invincible like Superman or whatever.

She was just a regular person, someone who had made bad mistakes, who had had a hard time growing up, someone who just wanted to feel like they belonged somewhere. God. And they don't know half of it. Whenever she let her guard down, even for a minute, someone would slip in, make her feel something then just leave.

Like Jack, she knew that it never would have worked between them and that it was a stupid mistake doing anything. But just for a moment he made her feel wanted, feel special and she had forgotten everything else and was just lost in that one moment. Then wham, she had a bullet in her leg and he was back with his wife. He hadn't had the guts to tell her yet, but she knew. Women's intuition. She had known from when he had carried her out of the bookshop. It had been over before that, but that's when she realized it was over for him too, and honestly she was glad.

Now Martin liked her and she liked him. But, she sighed again.

Urgh, why is everything so confusing. Yes, she liked Martin. But did

she really want to get into another relationship with a co-worker? She had a bad track record with guys, she admitted that and she didn't want things with Martin to end up badly. Things were so complicated.

And now with this, she couldn't help flinching whenever a guy came near. She knew she could trust Jack or Danny or Martin, she just felt uneasy when they were there, when any male person was there. She hated it. She felt violated and also ashamed of herself for not fighting harder.

She knew it would take her a while to get over it, and she knew

it wouldn't be easy. She saw his face everywhere. Felt the blade of the knife cutting into her skin. Just thinking about it made her shudder. She had nightmares. When she fell asleep even for a little bit, she would usually wake in a cold sweat, shaking in terror. The images in her head were driving her mad. She wanted so much to get rid of them. Not to feel the pain anymore, but it was constantly there like a shadow waiting in the darkness.

She knew it couldn't be her fault, despite what she told Vivian

and Jack but she wished so hard that she had done more to try and stop him. But she had frozen, lost in old memories which had brought back her old feelings which had caused her to freeze. It was just easier to blame someone, even herself, than accept what had happened.

She knew it may sound vain, but she was worried about the scars. The cuts on her cheeks had been stitched, and the doctor had said that there would be small scars which would fade. She had many scars to add to her old ones from her father. The one on her shoulder would probably never go, another scar to live with forever. To be reminded of what happened whenever you see it. Great. She thought sarcastically.

Come to think of it, Jack never mentioned noticing her scars, oh

well he had probably not wanted to bring them up. Actually he had

probably just forgotten or not noticed. She thought bitterly. People

never want to notice the 'bad' things, even when they were right under their nose. That reminded her, the team would want a long talk once she was out. All the things she had not told them, about her family and that damn gunshot wound.

It's not that she had didn't want them to know, its mainly she

didn't want their reactions after it. She had pleaded with Paula Van

Doren to keep it secret, she had to know seeing as she was supervisor and she would have realised something like abuse from her old medical records. There was a large number of 'falling down the stairs' accidents, anyone would get suspicious from reading that. She really didn't want to have to tell the others of her childhood, but she knew she would just have to get on and get it over otherwise it would be hanging over her forever. Guess I have to get ready to tell them all my life story.

So my life, not very happy I guess. She thought back over the

years, remembering very few happy moments that weren't clouded by the presence of her father or injury from her father. She remembered when they got the news that her father had died after being shot while being held hostage. She hadn't felt sad, angry, regret, or freedom. She hadn't felt anything. Her mom had been upset, even though that man had been beating on her and her daughter for years. She knew this may sound cruel but in way she felt relieved because she knew that he could never hurt her mother or her again. She remembered feeling numb. When she was stuck in the bookstore with Barry Mashburn and others, that day she had

found out about her father was all she could think about. She

remembered wondering what would happen if she had died like her father. What would the team and her family think. Would they feel numb too?

In a way she dreaded leaving the hospital, it meant facing up to

reality and dealing with what had happened. But then again there was no way in hell she would spend longer than the necessary amount of time stuck in this godamn hospital room. The nurses and doctor wouldn't even let her get up to walk around. She was a prisoner in this crappy bed.

Yeah, she couldn't wait to get out. Back in her own bed. God, she hated hosptials. She had spent too much time in them for someone her age, whether with her own problems, friends, victims from cases, even suspects in cases. In this line of work, it was expected but you never got used to it.

God, this was messed up.