Chapter 2

This is Messed Up

LiL Pippin Padfoot

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything, but if I do, I'll notify you...

Someone caught my arm. I spun around. It was Aragorn.

"Aren't you going to stay? I mean, your husband's here."

"No, thanks. If you'll just let me go. Now." Aragorn let go, but Faramir was already there.

"Hi honey."

"Don't call me that."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Not even married a week and you are already fighting. Nice going little brother."

I looked around Faramir to see who said that, but I knew. Boromir.

"You're dead." I said

"No, if I were dead I wouldn't be talking to you. Faramir, I think she's crazy."

That did it. If I was mad before, it didn't seem like it. I stormed off again.

Whispers followed me as I walked away, and I was half tempted to turn and give them a piece of my mind. But I just kept walking.

I ended up at the houses of healing, where Eowyn was. She was standing outside the door, and I walked up to her.

"Who did you marry?" I asked her

"I married Aragorn; I am the Queen of Gondor."

"What happened to Arwen? Aragorn loved her."

"She sailed over the sea, with her father and brothers. So I married him."

This put a kink in my plan. I figured Eowyn would still be single and I could get Faramir to like her instead.

I walked back to Minas Tirith and started to form a plan. Then I found another problem. Frodo and Sam were gay.

"What do you mean Sam's your boyfriend?!? He has to go back to the Shire and marry Rosie and have thirteen kids. You guys are really messing up Middle Earth, you know that?"

"Nope, Sam is staying with me."

I needed help. And a new plan.

I went to Legolas.

"Legolas? Will you do something for me? Pretty please?"

"Sure?"

"Okay, I need you to build me a boat. A gray one, I need to go to the Gray Havens for something. I promise to bring it back."

"When one goes to Valinor, one does not just come and go. You have to stay."

"They've never met me."

"That's true. I already have one. Back up plan in case Frodo failed. I can give it to you tonight if you'd like."

"Perfect."

4 Hours Later

"I don't want to go."

"Get in the boat, Frodo."

"But..."

"No buts just get in or I'll throw you in myself, I'm much taller than you."

With a heavy sigh Frodo got in the boat.

Faramir walked up to me.

"Why are you leaving?"

"I'll be right back. I'm not going there to stay."

"No one comes back from that place. You go there forever."

"Not me. Now, I need to give out some instructions."

Faramir moved out of the way.

The entire Fellowship, plus a few other people were there. I started to give out orders.

"Okay. This is how it's going down. Merry Pippin, take Eowyn and Faramir to the Houses of Healing, make sure they don't come out till Faramir and Eowyn fall in love, and want to get married. And don't fall in love with yourselves. Oh, and keep Eomer away please. Sam, go back to the Shire and marry Rosie. Have lots of kids, become Mayor several times, and then after your wife dies, then you can sail over the sea.

"Aragorn, go get your crown, make everything pretty for Arwen. Boromir, by all rights you shouldn't be alive. So go to Lothlorien, steal a boat. Put the boat in the Anduin, lay down, make sure you cut you horn in half, and let the river take its course. Gimli, Legolas, do what you normally do, just don't fall in love, ok? And Trisha, get down from the tree, you are not the Cheshire cat. Bye-Bye everyone!"

And with that I hopped into the boat.