Author's Notes:
I know, Linkin Park is usually reserved for Seto's emotions. And many of those songs fit him so well. I was looking for this song for quite some time. I wanted this chapter to be a Linkin Park song, because they have those screamed parts in there, and because their songs and lyrics are pretty hard. I didn't know until now if I chose the right song. I know now that I did.
I'm sorry for the numerous changes of POV. Tell me if it's too complicated. I could edit it and write "Seto's POV" or "Yami's POV". But, to be honest, I'd like you to think about it a bit, so you find out by yourself who's the one talking.
Disclaimer:
See chapter 1
Song:
"Faint" by Linkin Park
Faint
I am
Little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
A handful of complaints
But I can't help the fact
That everyone can see these scars
Sunlight hurts my sleepy eyes. Too bright, far too bright. The blue curtains of my window are opened. Damn, I never open the curtains. I fall back into the sheets, groaning in annoyance as my brain is slowly catching up. I can't recall a single event of the last night. I don't need to.
Every night, for almost two months now, has been the same. And every fucking morning he opens those god damned curtains. And I'll never get used to it.
Yes, I am like that. Lonely and hard and a jerk to the rest of the world. And why would I change it? I always wanted it that way, I don't need to defend myself, I'm above all of them anyway. I know, though, that I'm not above him. And yet I act as if that was the case. Why not? I don't want him there anyway, I don't want him snuggling up to me when he assumes I think he's sleeping. I don't want him caring for my health or bringing me coffee when I have a hangover and my head's spinning. Damn it, I know that's everyone's dream, everyone's idea of a perfect lover. But I'm not perfect and my world is not perfect and my lover can't be perfect. It disgusts me, that perfection I always tried to reach.
I know all those people out there would shake their heads, wonderin why the hell I am always complaining when everything could be wonderful? Well, there's a simple answer. I know it's never going to be wonderful. Mokuba's not there anymore. It's like there is no sunlight anymore. What's a little light bulb compared to the sun?
I have seen too many bad things in my life. No, it's never going to be wonderful.
I try to hide that fact all the time, but I know he sees it. I know the others see it. They should leave me alone, let me be myself, my complaining, suffering, disturbed self!
He should go too, shouldn't come back ever. I know I'll be looking for him tonight in that bar again. But right now I have to get him out of my house. Straight away.
I can't let anyone be my sunlight again. I can't let anyone take Mokuba's place and make me this happy.
Change of POV
I am
What I want you to want
What I want you to feel
But it's like
No matter what I do
I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
Sometimes it feels like I only exist for that moment. That moment of waking in your arms. That moment when we can be together, when I can watch you openly, let my feelings for you show. I stay like that until I feel you stirring. Then I leave, get my clothes, get you some coffee, maybe, or just sit somewhere and read the newspaper that the postman brought to your door. I have no interest in the newspaper, but reading it seems so normal, so family-like. Yugi's grandpa always read the newspaper in the morning. I also open your heavy blue curtains, because they make the room seem dark and depressing.
I'm waiting like that until you wake up. Maybe it would be better for my sanity if I left before you woke up. But I can't. Against all hope I'm hoping for the miracle of you waking up and saying, "Good morning, Yami. I'm glad you stayed." I hate myself for wanting you to need me, and show me that you do, but I can't deny it. I want to be important to you. I want to mean something to you.
That's why I do all those things, that's why I come to that club every evening. It's all useless.
Morning after morning you come into the kitchen, staring at me tiredly and saying, "Would you please leave those fucking curtains closed?" Sometimes even less friendly, it depends on the night before...
And then you ask me to leave. In the same monotonous voice of yours. And I feel like fragile glass is breaking inside of me.
Watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that i'm not
But i'll be here
'Cause you're all I got
So I leave, without discussion. I never discussed this, you made everything perfectly clear. But when I've passed your doorstep I turn back to see if you watch me go. You don't, and for a second time my hopes are shattered. You turn your back on me, you don't care about me at all. I'm nothing more than a good fuck, a one-night stand.
Pity that you still want me every night. Pity you can't get tired of your supposed one-night stand. Pity you can't accept the fact that we're beyond that, cause I'll be there again tonight. How could I not? You're the only thing I see, and the world seems to fade with every passing day.
I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
I still hate you, every time you let me down. And yet, this hatred will never be the same again. It's far deeper. I can't hate you how I used to hate you, dispassionately, despisingly. I can't ignore you.
But I'll make sure you won't be able to ignore me. I'll come back every time you send me away. I can't let you go, not now that I finally have something to hold onto in my life. Even if it's only a fragile hope.
Change of POV
I am
A little bit insecure
A little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense
I'm putting on clothes for the evening. I'm thinking about you. Would you like the blue shirt better than the black one? I know blue turns you on, but black soothes you. How strange, most people feel the other way round about those colours...Do I want you to go fast or slow tonight? Do I want this to be over soon, like an explosion, or rather lasting the whole night, like drowning in a sea of pleasure. Yes, you give me pleasure. Great pleasure.
Usually I'm in a strange mood before going out. I'm looking forward to it, but I feel self-conscious. I think it's the only time of the day I worry about you. At least a bit.
I'm sorry for hurting you, sometimes. I know I hurt you every morning. You think I just don't want to accept you. You don't know that I just can't. I can't let go of being the person I was for all these years. I can't let go of the old to create space for the new.
Mokuba should always be the only one I love. But now I wonder if I can even control that anymore, cause you make me feel again what I promised myself to feel only for Mokuba.
I confuse myself, and I can't help it. I'm like that. I am who I am.
Change of POV
I am
What you never want to say
But i've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out
I am your lover. Everyone in the club knows it. No one flirts with me, no one flirts with you. They watch us, thinking we're playing some insane game of seduction. Aren't we?
And yet, you would never admit to it. You deny every single emotion that might appear in your eyes, you deny yourself all the pleasure I could give you.
Why don't you understand? We belong together. I always knew our lives were intertwined, but you wouldn't believe it.
I can do what I want, you don't listen to me when I try to tell you about my ideas of the future. You don't listen when I want to tell you how wonderful it could be, you don't listen when I'd like to say what I wanted to say for so long, for almost two months or even more.
And in the morning you throw me out again. And again. And again.
Change of POV
So I let go
Watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that i'm not
But i'll be here
'Cause you're all I got
I know I have to let you go, but I watch you subtly, without you noticing. You're always looking back once, and I can see the disappointment in your eyes. I know you're telling yourself I feel nothing for you. But you know that's wrong, you know I'm only pretending. I can't change that, but I'll be there again tonight. You have to understand.
I need the sunlight in my life. But my sun is gone and I can't accept the fact that my world should have two suns. It doesn't seem right, does it?
I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
I know I have to send you away. I know Mokuba would scream at me not to do it and yet I have to do it. I can't help it, my soul needs to make sure I love Mokuba more. But I can't hate you anymore. No, I don't. I....have become dependent on you.
You don't know it, but I hurt just as much as you every time you turn and leave, every time you go when I tell you to go.
I can't heal myself anymore, I can't break that circle. I need you to break it, need you to say, "No, I won't leave." Maybe then I can let go, maybe then I can tell my soul I haven't betrayed my little brother.
Change of POV
No!
Hear me out now!
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not!
Right now!
I can't stand this anymore. One morning I just scream at you, start screaming the moment you want to send me away. I never want to stop, it feels so good. You're just standing there and staring at me with an unreadable expression.
I scream and scream until there seems to be no air left in my lungs, until my throat is sore and my voice is hoarse. I doubt you understood all the things I shouted, I didn't understand them myself. Funnily, that's not what you need.
Everything about me is spinning, my stomach is turning upside down, I feel that I'm falling.
I'm fainting. But you're there to catch me.