Disclaimer: I dont own the boys, unfortunately, sigh oh well, I can pretend, just for now starry eyes

THIS FIC IS DEDICATED ESPECIALLY TO AKIRA KINRYU! SHES MY INSPIRATION-well, actually, her fic is buh, u no wha I mean )

!Duo!

Joyful.

Carefree.

Happy-go-lucky.

That's me, right? At least, that's what everybody thinks. So I had a hard childhood and still grew up smiling. But don't you ever think that maybe inside I'm not? Oh God, this is starting to sound corny. Let's step back for a second and take this step by step.

I'm Duo, former pilot of Deathscythe. I lived on L2 as a street rat. There wasn't much to be there, if you know what I mean. I lived in a orphanage/church, the Maxwell Church under the loving Father Maxwell.

No, I'm not gonna bore you with my life story. To make it short, I watched the people I loved die, fought through two wars and survived to this day. And did it while smiling everyday. Cheerful bastard, aren't I? When everyone looks at me, they think of the lovable(haha, not bragging here) optimistic soldier. You have to be optimistic to survive. I learned that years ago. The world would be a lot bright if everyone had an optimistic point of views. Yea, so I smile and tell jokes every day even through the hard times. But does anyone really see past those jokes? Do they see what I really feel? Do they really know me? I'm just like any normal person (one that fought in the war with gundams!). I feel. I can cry, I can scream, I can get mad. I can go mad. Everyday feels like a lie. Who am I really? The ex-pilot of Deathscythe? The God of Death? A friend? An enemy? All that I am, is a lie, a mask that hides the real me. It's as solid as a Heero's "pancakes".

I'm surprised that not even Heero saw through my facade. The guy is practically the king of facades with that blank look of his. I wonder how he does it. Is he like me? With all the pain stuck down there? Does he even wince when a bullet hit him? Geeze, sometimes I don't think he's even human.

Anyway, off the topic. I've roomed with Heero long enough to know everything cookie and crumb about him. But still he can't see how really sad I really am. Does his sensitive ears even pick up my soft sobs when I go to sleep? Did the guy ever even LOOK at me without an ounce of coldness?

No, every time it's "Duo shut up and go to sleep." It's like that everywhere. Does anyone even care what I really feel? How I felt when Sister Helen and Father Maxwell died? Do they care about all the pain hidden in my heart? Do they ever see the dark cloud looming over me wherever I go? Come to think of it, I'm always the one that hugs them and lift their mood when they're down. I'm always the one that's fast to react. I'M the one that was there for them everyday. I may sound selfish, but It's fair. Where were they every night I cried? When did they ever hug me or tell me jokes to make me smile? The answer is never. They were never there.

The pain of that punch isn't the thing that hurts most. What hurt most was that no one even asked if I was fine. Not every guy who gets punched by THE Heero Yuy comes back as healthy as the day they were born. No one nursed my wounds. You'd expect Quatre to, but did the squirt help? No. He was too busy helping to end the war; everyone was. I understand that, but is one little "are you ok, Duo?" too much to ask for? I don't think so. I guess you can't really count on anything or anyone during a war. Every man for himself they always say.

I'm an idiot anyway. A complete idiot. Even after the lack of care they gave me, I stayed with them. They don't care, so what. I do. And Father Maxwell always said that as long as you love someone, it doesn't matter if they love you back. What was that song Father always sang?

What the world needs now is Love sweet love.

It's the only thing that there's just too little of.

Love is something the world needs, right? The world's not the only one that needs it. I guess I've always felt this way. Ever since I lost Sister and Father and joined Dr G. You don't get much love from the prof, you know. He's way to old to even get some!

I don't even need that much. Even a grain is fine. But the closest I can get is friendship. After the war everyone's much looser. Even Heero. The Perfect Soldier even smiled! He laughed and rarely jokes. I never thought I could ever see this side of Heero before. Which comes to the sad part. Even Heero got some love. You're thinking Relena, right? Nah., our man don't swing that way. He fell in love with Quatre. He blurted it out one night while sleeping. Heero, sleep talking? Ha! I wish. More like I squeezed it out of him. Quatre told me a few days after that he liked Heero.

So I was stuck being the matchmaker. After a scam of Get-Me-Something-From-The-Bathroom-Please and a bathing Quatre, they hooked up. We all started to move in with Quatre after that. Quatre worked on his company while Heero managed the computer mainframes of the Preventors. Wufei took a part-time job as a sword fighting teacher. I watched him once. Remind me NEVER to make him angry. Trowa also moved in but when he's not around he's at the circus. Once I went to help him and his sister. Never, and I mean never, fall for "the most important job." Important my butt! I was plastered to the board sweating and cursing as knives flew at me like flies to dung! Fuck, I thought I was gonna loose something in there; my sanity!

There is a knock at my door. I stand up and open it. Quatre smiles at me. "Dinner's almost ready, Duo." I nod, my heart giving a small squeeze. I remember once when I walked into the livingroom and found Quatre under Heero. When I walked in they were done. I heard Heero say a soft "I love you." I nearly collapsed right there on the spot. I don't know when, but sometime around the war after I met Heero, I kinda fell in love with him. As cold as he was to me, I could still see how much he cares. He's never had a friend, and I wanted to be his first. I got what I wanted. But a little after our path of friendship, I started wanting more.

Flashback

Heero pushed me away. He stared shocked at me. The lips I kissed parted in a silent gasp. I hoped desperately to find love in his eyes.

"D-Duo..." He looked away, his eyes lowering to the ground, "I'm sorry, Duo. I don't feel that way about you..." He looked completely away, turning his back to me. I stared at him. My heart sunk to the lowest region of hell. I thought Heero was the one that understood me the most, the one who would accept me no matter what. I thought he was the only person who ever really loved me. But I guess I thought wrong.

"Hey, It's ok, Heero. I was only kidding, a joke-that's all. Besides, it's ok if you don't like me. There are more fishes in the sea, right?" I grinned at him. Heero just stared at me. Finally, he offered a small smile. "Yea, sure." It was really alright. I knew he wouldn't love me anyway. No one really can without sacrificing something.

The memories swarm back, of how I was rejected so many times. My heart feels like a ton of bricks fell on it. It hurts. It always does. The pain becomes unbearable and I let out a whimper. The whimper wakes me up. I can't cry. I can't cry. I absolutely can not cry. I have to stay strong. Think optimistic. It's the way to survive here. I get up, an automatic smile lifted my lips. It feels so empty. I creep silently down the hall. I don't feel much up to making noise. I climb down the stairs. The stairs is right next to the kitchen. When I reach the bottom, I wish I didn't. I move away, back upstairs, away from the kissing couple, away from my friends, away-just for a few minutes-from the pain. I wonder how much I can take of this.

Hopefully, long enough for me to forget.

!Quatre!

I pushed Heero away when I heard a noise from the stairs. There is no one. Heero sighs and hugs me. "God, I love you so much, Quatre." I smile into his chest. "I love you too, Heero." We stayed like that until the front door opened. We push away and start setting the table as if nothing had happened. Wufei and Trowa walks in. "Wufei, no swords in the dinning room," I scowl at him. I didn't want him cutting my carpet, again. I see Heero smile from the corner of my eye. I blush. Trowa raises his eyebrow at me. He sits down on his normal seat next to Heero. I sit down on the other side of him. Wufei comes back and sits across from Heero. "Where's Maxwell?" he asks me. I smile at his concern. "I told him dinner would be ready soon. He'll be down in a minute." We wait for Duo. Ten minutes later, Wufei growls. "Where is that damn American?" I frown in worry. Duo should've been down by now. Usually he's the first to come. I stand up. "I'll go get him." I almost run up the stairs. Maybe Duo isn't feeling well. When I saw him before, he looked paler than usual.

I knock on his door. "Duo? Are you alright?" There is a rustle of clothing than Duo speaks. "Yea, I'm fine, Q. Sorry. Did dinner start yet?" "Yes," I say unsurely. He doesn't sound fine. His voice sounds like it's clogged up. "Duo, are you sure you're ok?" "Yea. Wait. Let me finish up." I hear the water running in the faucet. A moment later, Duo came out. We went down to the diningroom. "Finally, Maxwell. The food is almost cold," Wufei glares at him. "Sorry, Wuf, had to do something." Wufei frowns. "Whatever. Let's just eat."

!Trowa!

Dinner was unusually quiet. Heero and Quatre were busy goggling at each other. Wufei was too hungry to talk and Duo seemed a bit sick. His eyes were slightly red. As soon as dinner ended, he ran upstairs saying that he was tired. I frowned. As far as I knew, Duo does nothing at home. And his clothes told me that he was never out. Perhaps that's why he's sick. But now that I think about it, he has been less content in the last week. His voice sounded gloomier when he apologized to Wufei. Wufei had shot me a look. He noticed too. We were both surprised when Duo left half of his dinner on his plate and fled upstairs.

Wufei frowns at me, "Barton, does something seem different about Maxwell?" I nod. "He seems more quieter." He nods in agreement. We stand in silence for some time. Duo has been acting rather strange all week. He avoids looking in our eyes. He doesn't jump around as much. And it has been weeks since he played a prank. "See you tomorrow, Barton. I'm going to sleep. Tell me if you find anything else about Duo." I nod and watch him leave. Through the slightly ajar door, I can see Heero and Quatre together. Reassured, I walk quietly up the stairs to Duo's room. The lights are off, but a small lamp is on. Duo doesn't seem that fond of the dark. It's surprising- the fact that he is the "God Of Death."

Duo's chest rises and falls. His breathing is even. I snuck in and stared down at Duo. He's beautiful. His pale skin, his delicate lips, dark eyelashes, long silky braided hair, his lithe for- I jump back, a hand flying up to my mouth. My heart is pounding like never before. I can feel my arousal in my pants. Calming down, I run my hand through my hair. Since when did I call my comrades beautiful and look at their body? It is confusing being around Duo. One moment he seems so happy and the next he's mad. His appearance shocks me the most. He's the only boy I've ever seen that has a braid and violet eyes. I've observed everyone around me, and never saw anyone with such special features as Duo. He seems almost unreal. Shuddering, I back out the door. My hand twitches. I cradle it and stare at it. Why am I shaking? Holding it in my hand, I run to my room. I should take a shower, a cold one.

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RRP: hope you like it, its a bit odd, yes, but its the best I can do, I hope I got their personalities right its been a while, my other fics arent going as I wanted it to hehe...