Author's Notes:
This song carries an immense amount of sadness. I can't claim to know such sorrow from experience. I try to describe it the best way possible. I hope I'll succeed. This song makes me cry. I hope this chapter honours it.
About the betraying thing: Well, it's always described from the other's point of view. So it isn't necessarily true. I don't really know myself yet, actually.
Sorry for the POV confusion in the end....I can change it if it's too confusing, but I hope I won't have to. Because I love it that way.
Sorry for all the angst, too. When I started it I never thought this fic could become so sad....
Disclaimer:
See chapter 1
Song:
"I'm A Fool to Want You", by Frank Sinatra ....(jazz standard....)
I'm A Fool to Want You
I'm a fool to want you
I'm a fool to want you
To want a love that can't be true
A love that's there for others too
During the last few weeks I wondered a lot if there is a point where you can't shed any more tears, where they just don't flow anymore. A point where you're empty. I know now I've reached that point. I know now what it feels like.
My life is empty. My heart is empty. My soul is a barren, destroyed field, fog covering up the damage. My game face is falling, failing. I hurt so much I wonder sometimes if I'll survive the next night. Because every night is lonely, every star on the sky a mockery of once flawless romance.
And still. Still we're living in the same house. Still we meet in the hallway at night for one last look at what we could have had.
How strange that this thought can't make me break down crying anymore. Yes, there is nothing left but pieces.
But still....
I want you.
I think I know where you spend the nights you're not at home. I'm pretty sure I know where you're coming from when I meet you in the hallway. Me going, you coming. Passing each other by.
Oh, no, I'm sure I know where you've been.
Who you've been with.
Isn't it foolish to want something that has never been mine and will never be mine? Isn't it foolish to want you when you go at night to clubs and choose some random partner for the night?
How strange that not even this thought can make me break down.
This isn't even a game anymore, this is raw, icy sorrow. And it's so strong that if only I could gather enough determination to make the necessary moves, it could kill me in an instant.
Do you love them, all the other guys and girls? Do you give them what you gave to me?
Did you ever really love me? One thing you have to believe.
I did. And I still do.
Change of POV
I'm a fool to hold you
Such a fool to hold you
To seek a kiss not mine alone
To share a kiss that devil has known
We still have sex at night. No, we don't make love, we have sex. Sometimes I can't stand it anymore and just don't come home for the night. Go away to nowhere.
How can I still hold you in my arms? True, you don't object. But even me, the most clueless person in the world can say that all my embrace brings to you is more pain. And that brings pain to me!
So why do I hold you? Why am I still foolish enough to hold you?
I could just turn away from you. But I don't. Why? What's the use in it? It's not even pretending anymore, not an insane game we're lost in as you liked to put it.
I guess it's because I can't let go. Not even after what I saw.
What's he been doing here? Is he now the one completing your soul? Because he's been a spirit, just like you?
Did you find the understanding you were always looking for in his eyes? Why then don't you just go off with your precious Bakura? Why not leave me?!
Is it because I give you the better sex if I can't give you anything else?!?
Damn. How can I still try to kiss your lips every night? Why, why, damn it?!?
Thinking of his lips on yours instead....I never hated him so much, so passionately. How can you give him something we shared such a short time ago? How can you kiss him? How can you enjoy his kisses?
But I don't even have the energy left to smash my beautiful wine glasses just so I can pick up a piece and pass the sharp edge over my wrist. I used to like the feel of it barely cutting.
No, it's foolish to spend one more minute in this relationship. And yet I do.
Even if you don't respond to me anymore, even if you really cheat on me, even if everything is lost....
I still want you. All of you.
Change of POV
Time and time again I said I'd leave you
Leaving ....I told myself I would. Sometimes I even told you I would. I wrote letters of goodbye, of parting, of regrets. I ripped them up, started all over again and wrote the same things once more. I put them onto your study desk, into the bed, into the pockets of your coat, just to watch you read them, that look on your face....
I run out of the house, but stop a few streets away, half an hour later. I remember your face and turn back....
Change of POV
Time and time again I went awayI left the mansion so many times at night. After reading one of those letters you put everywhere I always leave. I wait until you're back, numbly wondering if this time you'll really be gone for once. When I hear the front door open I get a strange feeling. It's relief, but it's bittersweet. I go up into my room then and dress to go out....
Change of POVBut then would come the time when I would need you
And still we meet in that hallway, you leaving, me coming, because none of us can stand the presence of the other anymore. And still I need you.
Change of POV
And once again these words I had to sayWhen I come back at night and you're lying in my bed, so lost, so lonely, I have to take you in my arms and again I tell you those words that make us last another day....
Take me back, I love you
I do, believe me, I'll never stop doing so....
Change of POV
...I need youAnd you'll never know how much....
Change of POV
I know it's wrong, it must be wrong
This is insane. Today I'll go. I'll leave. I won't come back. Never.
Change of POV
But right or wrong I can't get alongI never managed to do anything the right way, to make everything perfect. I'm destruction. And before I destroy you as well, I'll leave. Today. And we'll never meet again.
....
Without you