Chapter 1 Past and Pain

"You can't leave," he scoffed. "You don't have the strength."

"I was offered a job away from here and I'm going to take it." She avoided his hint at her incompetence.

"What do you expect to find there, Sara? Love? You know I am the only one that loves you and the only one that ever will." She picked up her one large suitcase and opened the doors.

"You know you're worthless to every one but me, Sara. I am the only one that will love you."

"I'm leaving and you can't stop me, no matter what you say." He slapped her in the temple, throwing her aside, but Sara wasn't backing down, not again. Tears stung her eyes but she impatiently brushed them away. He advanced towards her but she spent more time in the apartment than he did. She knew the place better than he did. She stood and ran through the kitchen, glad that he ended up following her. He was fast, she was more agile. She was glad when she found the front door still open, the way she'd left it. She sprinted out, slamming the door behind her.

Sara? Please wake up Sara.

Amanda, her best friend was just coming up the stairs. Amanda took one look at Sara's teary eyes and slightly blue eye before getting out of the way and letting her run past. Amanda, on the other hand, continued forward to pick up the suitcase still sitting just outside the door.

"Where is she?" Amanda looked up, surprised when he opened the door.

"I was just supposed to pick up the bag. I don't know where she is." In a sense, she was telling the truth. She didn't know where Sara had gone, just knew that she had left towards the elevators.

"I'll find her…" he growled. Amanda resisted the urge to laugh when he stormed the opposite way, towards the Turners' apartment. She sent a quick prayer to a higher being to make sure her friends were okay before following the direction Sara had gone. Towards freedom.

Sara, I need you to come back to me now. You can't die.
They met up in Amanda's car, Sara shaking in fear. Amanda climbed in the car and turned it on without a word. They drove back to Amanda's house in silence, Sara's sporadic sobs the only sound throughout the whole car. Amanda opened the door in silence, guiding Sara in and leaving the bag in the car, for now.

"What are you going to do now, Sara?" Amanda asked finally, when Sara had calmed down and had a warm cup of coffee in her hands.

"I was offered a job at a crime lab in Vegas from an old friend. I'll go move there and get away from the memories here." Sara shrugged. Amanda nodded in understanding. Anything but staying here.

Come back, Sara. We love you and you need to come back.

"A friend," Amanda asked slyly.

"Dr. Gil Grissom. I went to a couple of his criminalist seminars…"

"I know who you're talking about, Sara."

"He just lost one of his CSI's and needs a replacement. I was first choice and I needed – need – to get away. It's exactly what I want to do and in such a famous lab…"

"You don't need to make excuses to me. There's no need to make excuses. Your friends don't need them and your enemies won't believe them."

"Who says that?"

"Me." Sara smiled and Amanda grinned back.

Come on, Sara. I know you can do this. You're a fighter.

"Listen, Amanda, I need you to help me keep in touch. I don't want to lose you guys. You've been through so much with me…" Amanda stood and pulled her friend into a hug, silently telling her to forget it. It was what friends were for.

"Go start a new life, Sara. You deserve it. You deserve to be away from him," Amanda spat out. A knock came on the door and Sara stiffened. Amanda cautiously walked to the door. Looking through the peephole, Amanda was half glad to see Emily and Ellen at the door. She opened it and let the women in.

"How is she?" Emily asked.

"She's moving." Amanda led them into the living room where Sara was curled up at one corner of the couch, coffee in hand.

"Where are you moving to, Sar?"

"Vegas. I was offered a CSI job there," Sara responded, looking into her cup. Emily gasped and rushed to her friend's side.

"That looks bad, Sar. Do you want some ice for it?" Sara smiled at her friend but shook her head.

"I don't start work for another couple of weeks. It'll heal by then."

I don't know what so important that you have to stay inside your head, Sara but we need you back here in Vegas.

"This was the last straw, huh?" Ellen asked, smiling.

"Yeah, and the job is good."

"How did you get it? No one told me you were sending an application elsewhere," Emily said.

"A friend of mine just lost a field CSI. He offered me the job."

"He?"

"Dr. Grissom. Las Vegas Crime Lab."

"Nice. Great job."

"I'm really looking forward to it. I leave for Vegas tomorrow. You guys want to come and help me move in?" Sara asked taking a sip of her coffee.

"Are you kidding! That might be the last time we see you for a couple of years! Of course we're coming," Ellen said with a very characteristic grin. Sara smiled in response and her friends attacked her, Amanda carefully removing the coffee from her friend's hand first.

You can't leave us too, Sara.

"Thanks guys," Sara said as she finally caught her breath. They took one big group hug.

"No problem, Sara. We love you," Ellen replied.

"You guys are the greatest." Tears sprung to Sara's eyes at the words. "Thanks."

"Anytime, Sara, anytime."

Sara's eyes fluttered open to a room of white.

"Sara! Thank goodness you're okay. You had us all scared." She focused on the voice and moaned slightly.

"Nick?"

"Yeah, Sara, its me." She found herself slipping away again.

"What… happened?" Nick could sense her slipping away again and gently stroked her forehead.

"It's okay, Sara. You can fall asleep."

"Don't… go…" Sara was able to get out through her quasi-haze.

"I won't, Sara. I won't."

Sara woke up a few more times before there when there was no one in the room, but the painkillers – taken for her fall and the subsequent headache she seemed to have – knocked her back out again. The next time she woke up was after hearing faint footfalls and her door opening.

"She may be asleep," she heard a nurse say. She opened her eyes.

"Catherine?" She cleared her throat. "What are you doing here?"

"You're collapse was on the news. Is everything alright?"

"Doctors say I've got something in my bloodstream. They're doing tests right now," she replied, a small tired grin appearing. "So it was all over the news?"

"When a CSI collapses on a scene, its big news," Catherine replied with her own emotionally exhausted smile. "We're supposedly unshakable." Then Grissom had entered. Sara was slightly surprised to see him in her hospital room. Then he mumbled something that sounded like 'My God, Catherine you're safe' and she grinned. She noticed beside her, Catherine's blush. Then his eyes met Sara's.

"Are you alright?" Sara nodded.

"Doctors still don't know what made me collapse."

"You weren't drinking or anything beforehand?" Sara shot him a glare along with Catherine and Grissom held his hands up in surrender.

"I'm a scientist. I look at all angles." The door opened and a doctor walked in. All eyes were on the medic as he looked at his clipboard.

"Miss Sidle…" he paused noticing the other occupants of the room. "Are you…"

"Family," Catherine jumped in quickly, startling Sara. Grissom shot Catherine a strange look but Sara nodded. They meant as much to her anyway and it meant a lot to her to have both of them here. The doctor nodded.

"There was morphine in your blood. Any idea how it got there?" The room was silent, every one surprised at the news.

"Morphine?" Sara finally asked in shock.

"I'll take that as a no. There wasn't enough to kill you but there was a substantial amount. I wouldn't be surprised if it was leaking into your system some how. We were able to get it out of your system quickly." The room was deathly silent as the three processed the news. Much to Sara's surprise, Catherine was the one to gain her speaking ability first.

"Thank you, doctor," she said. "If you don't mind, we'd like some time alone with her." The doctor nodded and left. Sara was still slightly in shock.

"A CSI was attacked… I was attacked," Sara whispered more to herself than the room's other occupants. Grissom, however – and much to Sara's chagrin – preferred pacing at the end of her bed.

"Whoever it is, must believe you're dead." Both head turned to look at Catherine. She rolled her eyes.

"Think about it. We're all out on cases and Sara drops. Then the doctor tells us it was as if it was leaking into your system. It if was leaking into your system, whoever put it there in the first place must believe they'd done their job. The only other thing I don't understand is why morphine? It would take some good planning to get that into her system, especially since she was on the field."

"But it wasn't enough, and I don't take painkillers unless I absolutely have to. It still doesn't make sense," Sara said. Catherine shook her head.

"It's just a theory." Then Catherine glanced down at her watch and let out a huge sigh. "I have to go and pick up Lindsey." She stood.

"I'll come with you," Grissom jumped in quickly. Sara wanted to yell, scream, anything that would tell them that she didn't want to be left alone.

"Sara needs her rest anyway." Sara was about to protest but then thought better of it. She didn't want to rest. She was actually terrified that if she were to fall asleep, she would be walking down memory lane. A dark and terrifying memory lane, that she never wanted to walk again.

Unfortunately, that didn't seem in the cards. Both Catherine and Grissom left, Catherine waving a slight goodbye as she left. Mind you, it had only been a few minutes before Grissom re-entered the room. Sara held back a huge grin at the defeated look on his face and instead placed a look of puzzlement on her face.

"You and Catherine have a fight?" Grissom shook his head. Then Sara dropped the bomb.

"You will tell her soon though right?" Grissom looked up, startled. Sara rolled her eyes. They hadn't noticed yet?

"The tension between you two is so thick you'd have to cut it with a chainsaw because a knife would break on contact," she elabourated.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sara almost stared at him in disbelief. He was blind!

"Come on, Grissom! You're the one with a PhD! Think about it!" When he continued to be silent. Sara closed her eyes in a move to calm down her frustration.

"You guys like each other! Just ask her out already," she said forcefully. Grissom looked at her.

"I do not have six heads and I'm serious! Everyone at the lab, okay maybe not Nick, can feel the tension between the two of you when you're in the same room, especially when you're in close proximity." Sara could tell that Grissom was searching his scientifically full brain for something that would prove her wrong, but she could also tell that no argument was going to come.

"Do the whole lab a favour and just ask her out to dinner. Maybe that will get rid of some of the tension and the rest of us can work in peace!" Grissom looked her in the eye and sighed.

"I know, I know, don't tell me. I'm right." Sara grinned mischievously as her mentor rolled his eyes.

"Makes ya love me all the more," she snided. Grissom shook his head and left.

It wasn't until visiting hours came around that Nick came back. She had been waiting and looking forward to seeing him all day.

"Hey, Sidle. How are you feeling?"

"Ever been hit by a freight train?" He shook his head.

"Neither have I but I think this is what it would feel like," she said with a grin. Nick laughed.

"You must be feeling much better since you're making smart-ass remarks," he shot back. Sara blushed slightly.

"They want to keep me here… I don't know why and I'm not about to ask."

"I hear that you've had a whole lot of brain action when you've been asleep." Sara looked up at him like a deer caught in headlights. She had been dreaming but she was hoping that he wouldn't push it.

"Naughty dreams, Sar?" She breathed a mental sigh of relief that he hadn't asked just assumed.

"And of course, you were involved, Nicky." She noticed the blood rush to his face and couldn't help but laugh. Then his pager went off.

"Sorry Sara. Grissom's calling me in. I'll be back to check on you later," he said, dropping a light kiss to her forehead. Sara's eyes closed on reflex as his lips touched her skin.

"Don't let him work you too hard," Sara said affectionately, giving Nick a hug. He pulled away throwing her a purely Texan grin.

Her next visitor was Catherine. Sara and Catherine had never been that close but her presence didn't seem to have the same intimidating effect on her as it had before. Then she saw the folders and groaned.

"Sorry Sara. It was Grissom's orders and Nick thought you should know about this because it's your case or something…?" Sara kept her face impassive though her emotions were running a race through her body. Emily was dead. Her stay in the hospital had made that pain duller, but now, Catherine had brought it back accidentally.

"We've made advancements in the case," Catherine continued. Sara's confusion, however, still didn't disappear.

"Greg figures we're working on the same case. We're all working on it together now because of it. Both were raped and technically OD-ed on morphine." Sara's head shot up and Catherine smiled slightly.

"Exactly." Sara would never have been able to tell what exactly had Catherine reading her mind, but at the moment, shock was her top emotion.

"How?" Catherine shrugged.

"Many different theories."

"Care to run one by me?" Sara inquired.

"I have other things for you to worry about. Like maybe a relation to Jack Banning? Or Ellen Bizet? Or your own victim Emily Turner?" Sara looked away but Catherine pried the story out of her in one way or another.

"Catherine, please don't tell the others." Sara couldn't believe how scared and small she sounded, nor could she believe that she had said all of that to Catherine. Catherine sat back down beside Sara's bed.

"Listen, Sara, you and I have a lot more common than I thought. I'm going to ask Grissom to take you off of this case. I don't want you any more emotionally involved than you already are." Sara looked slightly surprised, but then reconsidered. She had never realized Catherine really cared and then remembered that Jack Banning was part of the case. She couldn't face him… not now, not ever. She conceded. She hated being removed from cases, but knew it would tear her apart.

"Do you have any one you'd like to see? I don't know if you should be here all by yourself with Jack being MIA." Sara opened her mouth to reply, then seemed to rethink.

"My best friend, Amanda Bell, lives just outside of Vegas." Sara quickly scrawled a number down on a scrap piece of paper that had been sitting on the table beside her.

"She also might be able to help."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Okay, so here's the first full chapter, and the set up for the same Subtle Clues parts. There's still going to be one more, especially since I cut the story out of this chapter and am going to put it in the next one when she tells Nick, Warrick and Grissom in the break room. If you want to get ahead, because I don't know how long it will be until I get to write the next one, chapter three of Subtle Clues has the abridged version that Sara told Catherine in the hospital room.

Coming up:

Sara tells her friends and colleagues about her past

Sara and Nick become closer

Catherine and Sara share some more "bonding time"

Amanda comes to keep Sara company and help with the nightmares

Sara faces Jack Banning in court

Review please, please, please!

~Kavi Leighanna