Harry Potter and the Pillar of Storge
Our story begins in a small, quiet neighborhood in Surrey. You know, one of those neighborhoods that look like they've been taken off the set of Leave of It to Beaver. Visitors get a creeping suspicion that even the homeowners' lightbulbs all look the same. Every now and then you see someone running in the opposite direction and screaming, "IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE SUBURBANITES!"
Though the time was 6 P.M., a boy was sitting outside Number 4. He was a teenager, with rumpled black hair and baggy clothes that gave the overall impression of a beatnik. However, this was not just any boy. His name was Harry Potter, and he was a wizard. At the moment, he was thinking about his worst enemy.
I wonder what incredibly complicated, obvious, and yet completely random plan Voldemort will come up with this year, he wondered. There's no point to worrying, really. I'll still kick his butt no matter what does, but I'd rather not have another minor, yet loveable character die.
Suddenly, there was a shout from behind him. "What do you think you're doing?" shouted Uncle Vernon.
"Sitting outside. That's not against the law is, it?" Harry asked, with not a little sarcasm. "What can I possibly be doing wrong by sitting outside?"
"Um... um... You could be sending telepathic messages! To aliens!" Vernon's piggy eyes, and his entire piggy body, tensed with suspicion.
"Aliens?"
"So you admit it!"
"Since when do you believe in aliens? And how do you always manage to sneak up on me despite the fact that you weigh several hundred pounds more than I do?"
Harry's uncle was lost for a moment. "Your parents were wastrels!" he snapped.
"Is that your answer to everything? I might have magic, but at least I don't consider running old Mousercise tapes to be exercise."
Vernon gasped. "Don't you dare say that... that... m word again," he muttered. "If the neighbors heard you, boy..."
"What, MAGIC?" Harry shouted.
"No... the other one," Vernon whispered.
"Mousercises! Mousercises! MOUSERCISES!" Harry bellowed.
Uncle Vernon blanched in horror, and slowly looked around for the neighbors.