You don't have to go.

I replayed the words in my head over and over again.

I don't want him to go. Not again. Never again.

If it weren't so early in the morning still, I'd break out some hard liqour and start the "Welcome Back" party. I think I'm just looking for an excuse to get trashed so I don't have to keep reminding myself that Spike is here.

It's not that I don't want him around, it's just that his simple presence is starting to unnerve my fragile balance of emotions. I just keep lighting up cigarette after cigarette to keep quiet and somewhat calm.

My head is getting so fuzzy.

He leaned back in the white metal chair only a few away from mine and stretched his arms up over his head while he scanned the horizon. The new day's sun is still creeping up slowly.

So quiet.

A wind rushed gently between us with the best of intentions, but it made me anxious. I felt like it was separating us more than the few feet that was already doing that job. I felt an urge deep within me to reach out and grab onto his arm and pull him closer to me.

Close the gap. Fill in a hole. Sew up a wound.

A song popped into my head out of the fuzzy feeling that continues to expand. It happens frequently now that I remember everything. I used to be so obsessed with music before the accident.

Take this man to your bed

Maybe his hands will help you forget

Please be stronger than your past

The future may still give you a chance

I smile at the different meaning the song has for me in the present.

He wonders why I'm not acting like I used to. I know he wonders. He never asks though. Like it's some "Man Rule" that he can't possibly break. Maybe it's a "Spike Rule" he can't possibly break, because showing interest in a woman's life means all too much to her and nothing at all to him.

At least that's what my memories tell me. Strange to think how incredibly different I was then.

So innocent still. Wish I could go back sometimes. A lot of the time.

My current thinking about Spike slowly takes me into a memory. Getting all of your memory back is like a bad headache that won't go away for long. It's still hurts. A dull pain at the base of your head and wraps its way around to your eyes.

I hurried into my room and threw myself onto my soft bed. I layed there, face down and let my cold, shaking hands wander for anything to grab.

Found a pillow. Grabbed said pillow and pulled it to my side, when I rolled onto my side and clutched the pillow to my stomach. I wrapped both arms around the pillow and curled into the fetal position.

I let out a stifled cry and felt a single hot tear slide out from the corner of my eye onto my bed.

"Why does this always happen?" I moaned out and rolled onto my stomach, now stuffing my face into a new pillow, letting hot tears soak its silky fabric.

The phone in my room rang.

I threw one of my pillows at it and knocked the phone off of the hook, sending it tumbling loudly to the carpet.

A minute or two later there was a knock at my door and a worried woman on the other side.

"Faye? Are you okay in there? I heard a crash." She questioned. Her voice was so full of compassion that it would make you sick.

"I'm fine mom...go away." I said with a horse voice from crying.

"I don't believe you, but I'll let you be. I'll be downstairs if you need me." She said. I heard her footsteps fade away. When I knew she wasn't there anymore, I slumped out of my bed and crawled over to the phone.

I picked up the receiver and returned it to the cradle where it belonged.

A bird sung outside my window, breaking the silence of my room. I made my way to my big bay window and looked around for the bird.

"Sing a song for me, please. I need to be happy again." I asked the bird as if it could a) hear me, and b) understand me.

The phone rang again. This time I walked over to it. No violence this time. I slowly and cautiously picked up the phone, like in those horror movies where the character is awaiting a call from the killer and answers it in such a way that you think they're about to die.

"H-Hello?" I stammered.

"Faye?"

"Yes?"

"Faye??"

"What??" I said impatiently, and then realized that Spike was calling my name. "Oh sorry. I was lost in a thought." I said with a half-smile and shook off the memory.

"I'm not sure if I want to pick up bounty hunting again or not. You know, find something with a steady paycheck where I can actually eat real food." He said.

So what? What is he saying? I can't really hear him. My head is such a dull mess right now that I'm not picking things up clearly.

"Faye? What's wrong? You're freaking me out." He said, stood up and walked over to me. "I think it's time you stopped with the chain smoking for a couple hours." He said with his oh-so-flirtatious smile as if by joking around, I'd come back to normal.

"Need to...need...lie down." I mumbled.

"Faye?! What's going on??" he said with a shock in his voice at my sudden change in demeanor.

Ok, so I failed to mention that with my memories back my brain has sort of, "crashed" a few times. It's just like when you run too many things at once on a clogged up computer. Well, when I remember something that made me especially emotional in the past, whether it be sadness or anger or fear, my head pretty much overloads.

It's only happened twice before. Poor Ed. She took care of me when it happened then. She's actually a lot more helpful than we gave her credit for.

Now Spike is seeing it happen first hand. I'm sure that his reappearance expedited the process of this crash, but I don't really have the capacity to think about it right now.

I just stopped trying to hold it back and let it take over me. My head blanked. Wiped clean like a white board. I can see what's going on around me, but I can't react or respond to Spike. Like a stroke or something.

Poor Spike.

He's picking me up and carrying me into my room now. Gently, he laying me down on my bed. His face is pale and it makes it look skinnier. Now he's hunched over me, staring right into my eyes. I can see his eyes so clearly. They really are two-toned.

Doesn't matter.

Nothing's perfect, you know.

His large palm cups my cheek and he stares right through me. Like he's looking for any trace of me inside my eyes. Don't think he's gonna find it yet.

I can see his mouth moving, but now I can't hear him. I wish I could just hear his smooth voice.

He's trying to talk to me. I feel so numb.

Then he frantically looks around and rushes all around me. I can't tell what's going on anymore...and then darkness.

"You really did it this time, Faye." Jet said as I walked back in to where he was sitting.

Of course he meant my reaction to Spike's leaving.

"I don't want to hear it Jet!" I shouted through a storm of tears and stormed off to my dank room.

It was so dark, but I wanted nothing else right now. A moment later I heard the roar of the Swordfish and I rolled over, clutching my hands over my ears.

The sound was so loud this time, and it bothered me more than ever. The scream of his ship, leaving us for the last time.

And then it was silent. Really cold, too. The metal of the ship all around me breathed its last breath, so to speak. It lost any character it once had and was eerily cold now.

A fuzzyness grew from the base of my head and seeped into every part of me. I lost any strength I had left and lied there motionless while innumerable memories swept through me.

I remembered a verse from a song that my mother used to sing that had struck me down the hardest in my already weakened state:

All too soon

We had to part

The moment you had touched my heart

And with you went my dream

All too soon

I don't know how long I layed there. I couldn't move. I was totally helpless. I couldn't even call for Jet or Ed or even Ein to come help me.

Even though I still didn't know that Ed and Ein were gone. I would have gladly welcomed their help then.

That was the first time it happened. A mess of dream-like memories that I couldn't stop or control at all. Like waves, they hit me and broke me down, one by one. All I know is that when I did get up, Jet was leaving.

"Faye?"

::silence::

"Please Faye, get up now..." ::sniffle:: "I don't know what to do; you've got to wake up and tell me."

::sniffle::

::silence::

Another memory splashed against me now. Swimming. Drowning. Another song.

I'll wake up before I drown

Oh, I've had this one before. It's not a good one.

Great, now my bad memories are starting to repeat.

It's my last memory before the present.

"She's not doing good." Said a man.

"Well, fix that. She has to do good." Said another man...my father...he's a doctor.

"Sir, there's nothing..." the first man started to say.

"DON'T TELL ME THAT! She's my daughter! She's going to live!" he shouted and shoved the man aside.

"Faye? Can you hear me sweetie??" he said, now looking at me.

I must've moved or something, because he smiled.

"We're going to have to put you..." he started to say when everything went black. All the pain stopped and I felt better instantly.

The last thing I saw were his eyes. His soft brown eyes. They were so sad and scared.

Then I realized I was all alone.

I sat straight up in my bed, almost knocking Spike down. I was breathing so heavy that I felt like I just ran a marathon. I did, kinda..."A marathon of the mind."

I feel so damn weak. I don't need or want him to see me like this. It's like letting him win.

But his face tells me that I am wrong.

"What...are you--are you ok?" he sputtered out at me.

"I'll be fine." I said hoarsely.

"No, no...you're gonna tell me what the hell that was, Faye." He said, the color returning to his face and his eyes regaining their resolve.

"It happens now. It's ok...I'll figure it out." I said and started to get up.

"Sit down. That isn't normal. You don't need to 'figure' it out, you need to find out what the hell it is and let someone else fix it." He said with all seriousness while forcibly sitting me back down on my bed.

I tried to shrug off what he was telling me, but he won't let me. His hands are firmly attached to my shoulders and aren't letting me budge. I just want to get dressed. I get a glimpse at the time and shout, "Shit! Ed! I have to pick her up! It's been that long??"

"You were out for the whole day, Faye. I took the liberty of telling your boss downstairs that you won't be at work, and I even picked up Ed." He said and sat down next to me.

"Wh--why'd you do that?" I asked, letting the rush of lateness ease out of me now.

"You were kind of incapacitated." He said with that damn smile. Stupid smile...it always wins.

I hate it and love it at the same damn time.

I got up freely now and went to my closet, leaving him there. I grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom to change.

A few minutes later, I came out of the bathroom and he was still sitting in the same spot.

"So, you want to tell me what happened yet or what?" he asked with the most patience I've ever heard from him.

"I told you. It happens. I kind of overload and black out."

"That makes no sense."

"Well, I'm sorry if I can't pass out more realistically for you." I said with a huff.

"Ahh...so you aren't gone." He said with that same smile.

"What are you talking about?" I replied impatiently.

"I thought you were a totally new Faye...but I was wrong." He said and stood up.

"You jackass!" I said and stomped on his foot.

"Once again, 'ow' and you've slayed me." He said with a chuckle. "C'mon Faye, I bet you're hungry."

"What's with you trying to take care of me all of a sudden??" I shouted out as he walked out of my room. He stopped at the frame of my door and looked back over his shoulder.

"Because I owe you."

Song 1: Cowboys and Angels - George Michael; Song 2: All Too Soon - Ella Fitzgerald; Song 3: English Fire - Bush...don't own them, just love them :P