Sorry it's been so long. It was summer, which meant I was without easy access to the Internet. But now school is starting and I can connect again! This chapter is dedicated to my dear friend Tyler (but he answers to 'Baka'). He's now a permanent (well, however permanent things are) member of the cast of Interchangeable Parts at St. Pete Beach Theatre! I hope he finds his neck.
(Suboshi drops a blood-soaked rag on Miaka's hair)
Miboshi: Hey, Pig, we found your napkin in the sty.
Miaka: Oh, Tama-Brad!
(Amiboshi and Suboshi begin stripping Miaka and Tamahome, piling the clothes in Soi's arms)
Chiriko: Take your coat, sir? Take your dress, ma'am?
Tamahome: It's alright, Janet, we'll play along for now and pull out our aces-- (Amiboshi yanks down Tamahome's pants, revealing green boxers covered in dollar signs)
Soi: That's some ace.
Miaka: Get your eyes off my fiancé.
Soi: What? I was just talking about that ace. ( points to the ace of spades, which had fallen out of Tamahome's clothes)
Hotohori: That cheating peasant!
Tamahome: I did not cheat. I won that money fairly. (swords are drawn)
dodger-chan: Enough! Back to the fanfic. Now. Your line, Tamahome.
Tamahome: It's alright, Janet, we'll play along for now and pull out our aces when the time is right.
Soi: Slowly, slowly. (eyeing Tamahome) It's too nice a job to rush.
Miaka: (muttering) You'd know.
Tamahome: Hi. My name is Brad Majors-
Hotohori: Cheater.
Tamahome: -and this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss.
Yui: Glutton.
Chiriko: Ne, Tamahome, spell 'urinate.'
Tamahome: You are…ah?
Chichiri: Close enough, no da!
Soi: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
Ashitare: Or their left tit.
Tamahome: People like you, maybe?
Soi: Ha! I've seen it. (Tosses the clothes into the air)
Yui: And I don't do laundry.
(Miaka and Tamahome are rushed off, but not before Tamahome grabs…)
Nuriko: Quick, cheapskate, grab something important like your …wallet?
(…because, being Tamahome, he ignored the shoes in favor of the money. Everyone is now crammed into the elevator)
Miboshi: And on today's episode of "Stupid Questions from Stupider Animals"
Miaka: Is he your husband? (There is much amusement at Miaka's expense)
Suboshi: The…(has trouble with the word) Master is not yet married. Nor do I think he ever will be.
Chichiri: Maybe in Canada, na no da!
Suboshi: We are simply his-
Soi: Sex toys. (the twins shudder)
Suboshi: (with emphasis) -servants.
Miaka: Oh.
(Enter the laboratory, with its odd music and well hung speakers. You know what I'm talking about. Tomo stands in the middle of the room in front of a 'mysterious' tank. No one seems eager to get out of the elevator.)
Ashitare: Invisible men first. Pigs second. Misers third. (under orders, they disembark)
(Suboshi disappears behind the mysterious tank in the middle of the lab)
Tasuki: What's your favorite color?
Tomo: Magenta. (Amiboshi steps forward)
Nuriko: Where do you get your drugs?
Tomo: Columbia. (Soi steps forward) Go and assist Riff Raff.
Tamahome: He can't get it up by himself. (The twins glare at Tamahome with obviously evil intentions)
Tomo: I will entertain (he steps forward, hand outstreached)
dodger-chan: …the camera man.
Tamahome: Hi. I'm Brad Majors-
Tasuki: Miser.
Tamahome: -and this is my fiancée, Janet Vice.
Miaka: Weiss.
Tamahome: er, Weiss.
Chiriko: Quick, Frank, say something in French.
Yui: Why not Chinese?
Tomo: Enchanté.
Chichiri: What's that mean?
Tomo: Well.
Miboshi: What's it really mean?
Tomo: How nice.
Ashitare: What's it really really mean?
Tomo: And what charming underclothing you both have.
Nuriko: I knew it meant something sexual.
Tomo: (handing over lab coats) Here, put these on.
Soi: And take those off.
Tomo: They'll make you feel less-
Chiriko: Naked?
Tomo: -vulnerable.
Chiriko: Same thing.
Tomo: It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them Horse Brutality.
Tamahome: Horse Brutality? All we wanted to do was use your phone.
Yui: Look up in the sky.
Tamahome: A reasonable enough request which you have chosen to ignore.
Yui: It's a bird, a plane….
Miaka: Don't be ungrateful, Brad.
Yui: No, it's—
Tamahome: Ungreatful! (removes glasses)
Yui: Supermiser!
Soi: No, it's a bird. Look at that chest.
Miaka: Hey!
Tomo: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So…(savoring the word) dominant.
(Giggles abound. Nuriko whips out glasses)
Yui: If he's so dominant, why does she need glasses?
Miaka: She doesn't. (Tamahome covers himself)
Tomo: You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
Miaka: (chewing on the sleeve of her robe) Well, yes I am.
Tomo: (eyeing Tamahome) Do you have any tattoos, Brad?
Tamahome: Certainly not!
Hotohori: Don't you know how much they cost?
Tomo: (to Miaka, but still eyeing Tamahome) How about you?
Suboshi Everything is in readiness, Master. We merely await your word.
(Tomo climbs to the stage and begins his speech)
Tomo: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists
(polite laugher ensues)
Tomo: Tonight you are to witness a breakthrough in biochemical research. And paradise is to be mine. (applause) [and I remember this speech so little that I looked it up. Unfortunately, only two words looked familiar. So don't complain about how wrong it is.] It was strange the way it happened. One of those quirks of fate, really. One of those moments when you seem irredeemably lost: you panic; your trapped; your back's against the wall. There's no way out, and then suddenly, you get a break. All the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you've been. What a fool. [and yay! my memory returns] The answer was there all along. It took a small accident to make it happen.
Yui: What did your mother call you?
Tomo: An accident!
Amiboshi & Soi: (whispering) An accident.
Tomo: That's how I discovered the secret. That elusive ingredient, the spark that is the breath of life! (applause) For tonight is the night that my creation is destined to be born.
Tasuki: --to be gay!
(cue the special effects and dramatic music. The curtain is thrown back from the tank, revealing the worlds largest tampon.)
Tomo: Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator. (again, dramatic music) And step up the reactor power input three more triangles. (it is done. Suboshi begins turning the crank, lowering the fruit juice mixes)
Amiboshi: I think I can. I think I can.
Miaka: Tamahome.
Tamahome: Miaka. (they embrace)
(Tomo begins playing with dispensers filled with colored liquid.)
Nuriko: Orangey orange. Grape-ity purple. Lime green. Blueberry blue. More blue.
Hotohori: How can something so straight come from something so fruity?
(More special effects. The worlds largest self inserting tampon begins to move)
Nuriko: Poor Rocky, reaches for his first screw and all he gets is a nut!
(A fully bandaged Rocky Horror is now standing. Suboshi pulls the bandage from Rocky's face revealing … a gagged Nakago.)
dodger-chan: Tomo?
Tomo: (smiling) Yes?
dodger-chan: Do you think you might have done something…wrong?
Tomo: um….no?
dodger-chan: Well, did you ask his permission?
Tomo: Not in so many words, no.
dodger-chan: But you don't see anything wrong here.
Tomo: No.
Miaka: Ano…where's Mitsukake?
Tomo: Uh….
dodger-chan: You do realize how dead you are, right?
Tomo: (grinning) It's worth it.
(Nakago, already rather frightened, panics)
Yui: It is pretty funny.
Nuriko: Yeah, I like this casting.
Nakago: (through the gag) whimper
dodger-chan: Well, at least for this song. (cue music)
Nakago: The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head
Miaka: He's got that right.
Nakago: And I've got the feeling someone's
gonna be cutting the thread
Oh, woe is me
My life is a misery
Oh, can't you see
That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer
Tasuki: …of a pretty shitty fanfic
dodger-chan: Hey!
Nakago: (fleeing Tomo) I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed
Chorus: (formed of those not Nakago and Tomo) That ain't no crime
Nakago: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread
Chorus: That ain't no crime.
Nakago: My high is low
I'm dressed up with no place to go
And all I know
Is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer
Chorus: Is I'm at the start of a pretty shitty fanfic!
Tomo: Oh, Rocky (Continues chasing, setting elaborate traps, etc.)
Chorus: Sha la la
la
Ain't no crime
Sha la la la
Ain't no crime
Sha la la la
Ain't no crime
Ain't no crime
Nakago: (Narrowly avoiding a pit trap) The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head
Chorus: That ain't no crime.
Nakago: And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread
Chorus: That ain't no crime.
Nakago: Oh, woe
is me
My life is a mystery
And can't you see
That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer
Chours: (amidst an even more elaborate chase scene)
Sha la la la
Ain't no crime
Sha la la la
Ain't no crime
Sha la la la
Ain't no crime
Sha la la la
Ain't no crime
(Tomo snags Nakago and drags him back to the
tank)
Ain't no crime
Sha la la
Nakago: (under his breath) Isn't kidnapping a crime?
dodger-chan: Well, maybe if you were a god it would be.
Nakago: If I were a god this fic would never have been conceived.
(There is a pause while everyone considers the merits of that statement)
dodger-chan: Yeah, but then he'd be a god.
All: Right. Good point. Etc.