Disclaimer: Studio Gainax owns the rights to all characters and concepts for Neon Genesis Evangelion. This story is not authorized by Studio Gainax, and will be removed from the web should they request it.
When All That's Left is Stillness
By Random1377
Part 1
I wake to silence, and contain my rage, shoving it deep down inside me the way the Commander taught me to, so long ago. The construction that normally fills my apartment is – for once – quiet, making it easier to find the stillness I seek. Glancing at my calendar, I realize that it is a holiday, accounting for the workers uncharacteristic absence. They will be allowed a half day off. I will not.
The rage that has been wearing at the perimeter of my senses is strong today, and I still do not understand its origins. It seems that I have been angry at something or someone for as long as I can remember, but I know this is not true. It has been less than five months since I first found myself awaking with my hands clenched into fists and sweat seeping from every pore on my body.
Wiping the sweat from my face with the corner of my top sheet, I slide out of bed. I am due at NERV, and it will not be acceptable to be late. Stripping out of my nightclothes, I step into my shower, taking time to ensure that my body is clean. There will be sync tests today. I do not wish to shower at headquarters.
Rinsing my hair, I find myself recalling the afternoon that Ikari brought my new identification badge to me. The only man (besides the commander) to see me naked, the only man to ever touch my body, I find my thoughts going back to him with greater and greater frequency. Like my rage, my continuing fixation on the Third Child is a mystery. I attempted to speak to the Commander about it once, but he immediately dismissed the topic and recommended that I avoid the Third unless interaction with him was required.
It was not an order, but for some reason, it seemed almost more compelling – as if the Commander feared for my safety.
Strange.
Now clean, I make my way back into the bedroom section of my apartment, discarding my towel along the way. From my drawers, I take out panties, a bra, and socks, putting them on one by one. My thoughts stray once more, this time to the concept of undergarments. I understand their requirement in our society, yet for reasons unknown, they have always felt unnatural somehow, as if my donning them, I am hiding something about my identity. They are a shield, a mask, a contrivance to prevent people from seeing who I really am.
And who am I?
I still do not know.
From my small closet, I take out a clean shirt and school jumper, trying to clear my mind of these useless thoughts, but my efforts are in vain. So much of who I am and why I do what I do is shrouded in darkness and confusion. Why? Why is it that my memories only stretch back seven years? Why am I interested in Ikari, when he is nothing more than another pilot? Why is it that when I see Doctor Akagi, I can almost feel her hands wrapped around my throat?
Useless questions with no answers.
I'm going to be late.
I leave my apartment unlocked and start walking towards the train station. Ikari expressed some concern about the fact that my door remains open all the time, but honestly it is of no matter. There is nothing worth stealing in my apartment, and as for my physical wellbeing, I hold it in low regard.
After all, I can always be replaced.
The train ride is uneventful. It always is. People do not wish to make eye contact with me, so I am largely ignored by the other riders, leaving me to my own thoughts. Of course, my thoughts are tangled and complicated today, so I brush them aside and concentrate on listening to the sounds and conversations of the other riders, a pastime I find mildly interesting.
By the time I reach the stop for NERV, I have overheard five salarymen making excuses for why they will be late, six gossiping teenagers discussing fashion and sex, and one young man being broken up with by cell phone. I feel slightly sorry for the last. How would it be to have someone to be intimate with, and then have that promise of intimacy ripped from you by something as impersonal as a digital reproduction of your loved one's voice?
The man is crying as I step off the train.
My unhappiness increases.
Approaching the main gates to NERV, I am hailed by one of the EVA technicians – an overly jovial man of about forty-five. I do not know his name. I doubt he is married.
"Hey, Miss Ayanami!"
"Hello."
"Sync tests today, huh?"
"Yes."
"Do your best, then! I know I will!"
"…yes."
"Umm, see you later, then."
"Goodbye."
He hurries off, unnerved – as most people are – by my nature. Others, schoolmates mostly, have told me that I should try to be friendlier. The class representative especially used to go far out of her way to try to be my friend and offer me what I'm sure, to her, was invaluable advice. I believe that it was after the initial activation experiment with Unit 00 that she realized I was not interested in her friendship.
Some may call this cruel, but it truly is for the best, for both of us. Her friendship is not in any way related to my wellbeing or duties, and is therefore superfluous. Conversely, by spending time with me she only increases her chances of being with me when an angel attacks, with all probability of being further from the safety of a shelter.
Yes, the idea of her friendship is appealing, on some levels, but logic dictates that it is not possible.
I make my way into the depths of NERV, trying to decide if I want to eat breakfast this morning. It has been two hours since I woke, and I am starting to feel hungry, but the sync tests will most likely last for an hour at least, so if I am going to eat, I must do it beforehand. Otherwise, I might as well wait until lunch.
On impulse, I turn from the corridor leading to the locker rooms and head towards the cafeteria, intending to purchase something I can take with me. Upon arriving, however, I find myself face to face with Ikari. He stares at me for a moment, clearly surprised to see me, and I take the opportunity to discretely study his face, presenting myself as if I am waiting for him to move out of my way.
Why is it, I wonder silently, that his face is familiar to me? I am not so naïve that I cannot recognize the stirring of attraction when I feel it, but what is unclear to me is this feeling of comfort – as if we have known each other far longer than we really have. Since the fifth angel, and his rescue of me from my entry plug, I have become more and more aware of his features, and the more aware I become, the more my curiosity grows.
He breaks eye contact, his cheeks flushing slightly as he speaks.
"H-hello, Ayanami."
"Hello."
"Shouldn't you be umm, changing?"
"I am hungry."
"Oh, right, heh, it… this is the cafeteria, huh?"
"Yes, it is."
"Umm… I just got a couple energy bars."
"I see."
"…do you want one?"
I look down at the handful of bars. It would save me time to take one and avoid the line in the cafeteria – a place that seems perpetually busy, due to the large number of NERV staff members – but would it imply anything? I have always been very careful not to give the impression of interest to any men. It would be inconvenient to have to explain that I am not 'available' for that kind of relationship.
Surprise washes over me as Ikari, apparently tired of waiting for a reply, gently presses one of his energy bars into my hand and steps around me, murmuring that I can throw it away if I do not want to eat it. Somehow – I do not know how – I have offended him.
I follow him towards the locker rooms, keeping a respectful distance to avoid upsetting him further, and consider the snack in my hand. This should not be so confusing. He gave it to me, and told me clearly that I should dispose of it, if I do not want it. That means that he would not eat it in either event, correct? Then why purchase it? Did he buy it with the express purpose of giving it to me?
As we reach the locker rooms, I realize that I'm over thinking, and that I should acknowledge his generosity somehow. Before I can speak, however, Ikari steps into the men's locker room and disappears.
He does not look back.
With the energy bar still in my hand, I enter the locker room, finding it particularly desolate today. Suddenly, I feel very, very tired, and I lean back against the door, covering my face with my hands.
I am not happy.
The thought echoes in my mind, over and over. I am not happy. How long have I known this? Days? Weeks? Months? My whole life? I suppose it has never occurred to me to spend time thinking about it. How sad. I have spent so much of my life focusing on being obedient, and honing my mind and body to better utilize EVA. It is an awesome responsibility I bear, the Commander has made that very clear, and I bear it willingly – unflinchingly – with the understanding that each breath of LCL I draw could easily be my last.
Pulling my hands from my face, I find myself contemplating something horrible – something desperate. Something so unspeakable that it actually gives me a chill.
What if, somehow… no.
I push away from the wall, walking deliberately to my locker and setting Ikari's energy bar down inside. I carefully remove my clothes and hang them in the locker, pulling my plugsuit on and methodically crushing the rebellious thought ricocheting around in my mind.
It is preposterous – unthinkable! Moreover, it is unnecessary, and therefore wasteful to even contemplate.
But as I start to swing the locker closed, I hesitate, my eyes lingering on the unopened energy bar within. My hand, surely guided by someone else's will, reaches in and tears the wrapper – just a little… but enough that it is clearly no longer sealed.
Like my thoughts.
Like my wants.
Like my needs.
Just a small tear, yet as I close the locker, I understand that it will be there when I get back. Without a backward glance, I tuck my half-formed ideas back down inside my mind. But I know – like the energy bar – they will be there later.
And they will not be contained forever.
Something is starting.
I am starting something.
For the first time in my life, I am acting without direction.
God in Heaven, watch over me… I am acting without direction.
Continued, maybe…
Author's notes: I felt like writing something from Rei's POV. Not sure if I'm happy with how it came out, so I don't know if I should continue or not.
No pre-reader was used on this one.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com. And I still hate quikedit!