Seized With Life - Chapter Four: These Are The Lambs Who Fell Into The Sea
A moment or two passed as the two men stared at one another. There was no sign of movement from either, but the standoff was broken when Dixon smiled and laughed a little.
"Well, how long has it been? It's good to see you again, Tino."
Dixon's voice was a little raspier than it had been 35 years earlier.
"It has been a while. It's hard for me to believe that I'm standing in Bahia Bay again. I barely recognize the place."
"Yes, I'm sure that is so. Nothing has stayed the same. It is the unfortunate truth."
Dixon's eyes looked sad as he finished. There was a slight silence and it made Tino shift nervously.
"What about you? Have you changed?" Dixon asked.
Tino paused. He wasn't sure how to answer the question.
"Me? I'd say I 've changed. It's hard to stay the same for 35 years. What about you?"
Tino wanted the light off of him.
"Well aside from my right leg here, I'm still the same. Once you hit a time in your life it's easier to stay the same."
"So you still know everything, eh?"
Dixon laughed.
"Of course, I'm an old man these days, why, I'm wiser than ever."
Tino chuckled a little happy to know that at least one thing was still the same.
"Can I assume you are here because of your mother's funeral?" Dixon asked.
Tino nodded.
"I see. I'm curious as to how you knew about it. No one has had contact with you in years."
"Well, someone sent me a letter informing of the funeral. I don't know who sent it nor do I have any way of finding out, but I came anyway."
Dixon looked a litle surprise.
"Really? That's quite interesting. I have to wonder though after so many years what made you decide to follow the letter to here."
Tino stood silently thinking the question over.
"I don't know," he suddenly responded, "I have no clue what made me take the thing seriously, but I did. Maybe I just needed to get away from my life back on the East Coast for a little while."
"Oh? Are things bad for you?"
"I wouldn't say they are bad really. It's more like it's boring, and a little lonely I'd say. Sure, I have a few acquaintences from work, but it's not like we really hang out all that much. Plus work itself is just depressing. Coming in day after day doing the same thing I've been doin' for the past 20 years writing meaningless reports, taking calls from people I don't want to talk to, it's numbing in a way."
"Didn't you say things weren't bad for you?" Dixon asked.
"They aren't bad. Work is bad, but I never expected it to be good, that's why it's work. I think about it like this, I'm making enough money, I don't have any horrible diseases so I'm fine."
"Yes, I suppose that's a good way to think about it. My question then is, are you happy? If you were to die today would you be content?"
Tino was taken aback by the questions. They seemed so sudden and random.
"I'm not sure. No, wait, if I was to die today I wouldn't be content. I know that much. I am not satisfied with this town. I wouldn't want to die with this hanging over me. So, tell me, what happened to this town?"
Dixon took a deep breath and looked out to the water before turning back to Tino.
"It's not a single event that changed the town or some grandiose story. It's simply a matter of change over time. Perhaps the biggest change is in the residents of Bahia Bay. This is a small town, and there isn't exactly big things going on around here. So as most of the young people grew up they left for various cities where more was happening. In additon it became increasingly expensive to raise a family around here with rising costs so a number of families also left for cheaper towns. Really, the only people who live here anymore are old folks such as myself who are fortunate enough to be pretty well off so they can continue to live here. With the lack of young people around these parts alot of businesses and shops went belly up. A number of them haven't been changed into anything either. Mainly for the reason that there is little profit to be made in opening a new business."
"So these buildings just stay beat up and broken down like this? No one bothers to do anything about it?"
"It is unfortunate but it's true. Not only has this town lost it's beauty but it's become lazy as well. Actually a couple of buldings on the edge of town were knocked down not too long. The one was a drug house and the other was a brothel. It was a bad outfit being run over there. It was rumored that the people who worked those houses had set fire to Funville and a couple more buildings along this stretch. No one's really sure, regardless those people have been put away now. It's a shame to see what Bahia Bay has become. It's a shell of it's former self these days. It's too bad that after 35 years you come back to this."
"Yes, I suppose so. While it's startling, I'm not sure how much impact it has since I've been so far removed from this place for so long."
Dixon was a little bothered by Tino's response. He hadn't expected Tino to be as indifferent as he was.
"I guess that makes sense. But once upon a time you had a life here, a happy and good life at that."
"I do remember, but that life was ripped away from me. This town and everything in it was taken from me. Believe me, I wanted to stay, but there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening."
Tino's words were tinged with anger. Another period of silence fell over the men.
Quietly, Dixon said, "I hope you don't blame your mother. It was out of her hands. She missed you everyday. She cried for a while."
Tino didn't respond at first. He was trying to make sure the emotion would be kept out of his voice.
"Hmph, out of her hands? Nothing but an excuse. I know my mom cared about me, but she made no effort on my behalf back then. She gave up and allowed me to be whisked away to the East coast with my dad."
Dixon shook his head.
"Then if you were so mad with your mom why did you continue to talk with her for a few years after you left?"
"Because even though I was angry with her, she still provided some level of comfort."
"Are you still angry with her?"
Tino paused."I'm not sure."
There was alot Tino didn't know. He hadn't been forced to think like this in a long time. Dixon could see that Tino's hand was shaking a little as he stood there.
He spoke softly, "You know, there was one thing your mother was always hoping for, especially in these past few years. She hoped to see you again. But I'm sure that she saw you at the funeral today. She must be happy."
Tino looked away. His heart had finally been pierced. He could feel once again.
"Is that true?" Tino asked though not in doubt.
"Yes, it is. She always talked about it."
Tino didn't respond. He hadn't felt this much emotion since the day he moved away.
Dixon continued on, "Everyone always wanted to see you again. I wanted to see you, and I wanted you to see everyone."
"Everyone?"
"Yes, your friends, you know, Carver, Lor, and Tish."
The names had long since been foreign to Tino. He had not uttered them or heard them in decades. Yet, their mention flooded his mind with a million memories, so many of them crystal clear as if they had happened the day before.
"The guys..." Tino muttered drifting off.
"Yes, your friends from years ago. It's a real shame that communication died between you. A real shame."
Dixon sounded like he was on the verge of tears as he finished. Tino looked at him covering his face with his hands. The seed of curiousity had been planted, though deep down Tino had a feeling that he did not want the answer to his next question.
"What happened to them?"
Dixon lifted his head and looked to the sky.
"Unlike this town their changes were not the simple passage of time. It was much worse."
Now Tino was certain that he wouldn't like the answer to his question.
"After you left, the three of them were pretty broken up about it but they tried to move on, masking their obvious disappointment. Unfortunately after about six months later they stopped hanging out with each other. They simply couldn't connect anymore. The bond that held them together had vanished. Carver suddenly found himself rising in popularity, Lor was getting in with the jock crowd, and Tish, well, she was left by herself. Each was walking their own path."
"I see. Is that the sad past? That they stopped being friends?" Tino asked.
"No, I'm afraid that is barely scratching the surface. Carver made his way into the high life of the popular kids, and it was there that he was introduced to a life of alcohol and partying. In his drive to be popular he became a heavy drinker, and quite notorious for being stopped for drunk driving. It was an unfortunate problem that followed him into his early twenties."
"Oh? Did he manage to give up alcohol after that?"
Dixon sighed.
"No, he paid the price for his behaviour. One night after he failed to return home his girlfriend called the police worried about him. The police agreed to keep an eye out for him knowing his usual habits of becoming drunk and then aimlessly wandering around town. However, this time they didn't have as much luck, instead they found Carver covered in blood next to an overturned car. Inside the car were two more men. All three of them were dead, and they all had high levels of alcohol in their system."
Tino was stunned. That wasn't the Carver he knew, the one who had at one time ditched the popular kids to continue to hang out with him and the others.
"How... tragic," Tino said softly still trying to process the story.
Dixon nodded in reply.
"As for Lor, she worked hard at sports but she also succumbed to weakness. Durign high school she pushed herself to make sure that colleges would take notice of her, but years of pushing yourself to the limit takes a toll on you. She became less and less satisfied with her abilities and more nervous that she wasn't performing well enough. A fellow athelete offered her some drugs telling her that they would keep her calm, and able to focus. Driven beyond reason, Lor took those drugs and continued to do so. She became addicted and took a nosedive. She wound up never going to college instead she was more concerned about supporting her habit. Lor was hopelessly addicted and even sold herself sometimes to make money for the drugs. It's a shame because she always was a great athelete. Her lack of ability was all in her mind, but she wouldn't listen to anyone. Now she's holed up in prison serving a long sentence on multiple crimes including possession, prostitution, and assault. She never did learn how to control her anger properly. From what I understand she's always creating lots of problems in prison due to fighting."
Tino shook his head, and his throat burned. Another one of his friends had walked a path of destruction.
It was hard to hear, but Tino felt the need to finish out this trainwreck of lives so he asked, "And Tish?"
Dixon didn't answer right away. It sounded like he was trying to repress his emotions before speaking.
"Tish... her story is heart breaking. Forgive me if I am slowing telling the story."
Tino wondered how Tish's past could be much worse than Lor or Carver's.
"I think this will be hard for you to hear, but I hope you'll be strong."
Tino swallowed hard and steeled himself.
"Tish always had a strong bond with you whether you realized it or not. Even though all of you accepted her she felt most at ease with you because the two of you were on the closest wavelength. Countless times it was you and Tish who were paired together. She felt a connection to you because of this. In the group Lor and Carver were the more popular ones while you and Tish were more of the rejects. Tish felt that she could most connect with Lor and Carver while you were around, sort of making you the bridge between her and them."
"I see. I think I kind of knew that already, but that doesn't answer what happened to her."
"Yes I know. I just felt it necessary to establish Tish's frame of mind. Anyway, after you left Tish was the one who felt the worst about it. Not just because she had lost her closest friend but she secretly feared that with you gone that Carver and Lor would drift away from her. She was afraid they become just like everyone else and see her as a weird geek. Unfortunately, her fears came to pass and Carver and Lor did leave her. She never could identify herself with anyone else so she became a loner often purposely secluding herself. However, there was one thing that did drive Tish day after day she was always waiting for you to call her. But as you know, she never got a call from you, nor a letter for that matter."
"I always thought of calling, but everytime I considered it I feared that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I thought I would go crazy talking to Tish or the others but knowing I couldn't return, and everytime I went to write a letter my hand trembled and I couldn't do it. I was afraid. But my mom, I know she must have known my phone number or address. How come she never gave it to Tish?"
"She did, but by the time you told your mother the address and phone number Tish no longer wanted them. She had waited and waited, day after day, month after month, but nothing ever happened. And because of that... she hated you. Tish felt that you had turned your back on her and abandoned her. When Carver and Lor left her she placed the blame on you. All of her anger was directed at you, so when your mother gave her your phone number and address Tish tore them up in a rage. As time went on she increasingly isolated herself with her anger. The only friend she had was her hatred, and it consumed her. She was unable to make new friends and she was unable to make it past her anger with you. Everyday she would lock herself in her room and write away in her diary. One day while Tish's mom was picking up some clothes in her room she found Tish's diary sitting open. The feelings of anguish and sadness that were in the book frightened Mrs. Katsufrakis. Later Tish's parents sat down to talk with Tish about her feelings since they were concerned for her well being. Unfortunately, it only made things worse. Tish was furious with her mother for reading her diary. She claimed that they were invading her privacy and that she couldn't trust anyone anymore that everyone was a liar and a sneak. Tish came to believe that she was isolated from not just the outside world but even within her own home. Unwilling to turn to anyone, Tish's anger soon spawned depression. Her anger and depression eventually came to a head in a horrifying event that I'll always remember clear as day."
Dixon paused as his eyes filled with tears. He held back crying but he couldn't stop his hands from shaking. Dixon wiped his eyes and then continued on.
"I had seen Tish walking home from school a few times, and every time I always noticed how sad she looked so I was concerned about her myself. So one day I stopped at her house to see if I could find anything out. When I arrived Tish's parents explained to me all that had been happening. I felt terrible about it all and I wanted to try and help in any way that I could. Mr. and Mrs. Katsufrakis thanked me and invited me to stay for dinner. I accepted. Mrs. Katsufrakis immediately went to start preparing dinner, but stopped once she couldn't find the knife she used to cut the meat. As soon as she mentioned that she couldn't find the knife something jumped in me. I can't explain it, but instantly I knew what happened to that knife and I only prayed that I wasn't too late. Immediately, I ran up to Tish's room and pounded on the door and called for her to open it. She didn't answer and I feared the worst. Adrenaline pumped through my body and I took a step back and hurled myself at her door. It broke open and I saw the horrifying sight of Tish sitting on the ground with horrible gashes on her wrists and a bloody knife next to her. I ran to her to help, but she tried to push me away. She swung wildly at me hitting me in the face, arms, and chest. Each time she hit me her blood would splatter onto me. Her parents came into the room and I called for their help as well. Mr. Katsufrakis helped me restrain Tish and cover her wounds while Mrs. Katsufrakis ran and called for help. An ambulance came and they took Tish away to treat her. She struggled the whole time they tried to put her on the stretcher. Since her parents had left with the ambulance I was left standing alone in Tish's room. I was covered in her blood and it ran down my face. I looked at my hands and saw her blood there too, dripping to the floor. It was warm, I was trembling, and I felt like screaming."
Dixon paused and cried. He sobbed loudly, but stifled his crying. The story was not yet over.
"On her desk was her suicide note, a horrifying account of what she believed and how she felt. It was the last line, though, that I've always remembered. It said, 'You did this to me, Tino, I'll never forgive you'. She was obsessed in her anger with you. Once her wounds had healed Tish was commited to an institution for rehabilitation. She was there for a number of years. It was hard for her to overcome all of her anger and depression. By the time of her release she was apparently much better though I'm not sure if she was ever completely healed. No one ever knew her true emotional state, and no one ever will now. She has since disappeared. Not a single person has a clue to what happened to her. One day she was here and the next she wasn't. I just hope that wherever she is she's happy."
Dixon stopped and looked at the water. A long silence washed over the two men. Dixon had little left to say and Tino had no idea what to say. His friend had tried to kill herself and she blamed him for it. Tears welled in Tino's eyes.
"Tish blamed me... " he muttered aloud.
Dixon looked at Tino.
"It is probably not wise to dwell on that."
"How can I not? She blamed me, she suffered so much and I'm the cause of it."
Tino paused momentarily and his eyes narrowed.
"No, I am not the one. Tish was a fool. She created her own pain and suffering. By blaming me, she was running away. It wasn't me! It was her! Her! Her! Her! I can't be held responsible for her actions."
Dixon felt a twinge of anger.
"How can you say she was running away? Listen to yourself, you are running away now! I'm not going to blame you entirely because I understand that Tish also holds responsibility for this, but can you honestly deny any part in this? Deep down you are hurting because of this, you are trying to ease that pain by blaming Tish entirely. You don't want to admit your part in this. It was your choice to not call her or to write to her. It was your choice to ignore her. You must be willing to accept those decisions and accept the blame for that."
"I said I wanted to talk to her, but I was afraid! I had my own problems to deal with back then. I don't want to hear this nonsense from you. You weren't me so you can't understand how I felt!"
"What the fuck does it matter if I'm not you?! You know you made the decision to not talk with her regardless, you know you are a part of this. So accept it, and take responsibility for it, damn it!" Dixon yelled enraged.
Tino looked at him horrified. He had never heard Dixon so angry before in his life, and it scared him.
"It's hard to accept it. I don't really want to think of myself as the reason behind my friend's hellish decline. I don't want to think of Lor or Carver as they are now. I don't want to see this town in the shape it's in. But that's just running away, isn't it?" Tino said quietly.
"Yes, it is. I understand, though, that it must be hard to come back to this. But look at this town, when you asked your questions about what had happened surely you couldn't have expected a good answer." Dixon replied just as quiet.
"Good answers... bad answers... I didn't think it would make a difference. I didn't think I would care. I can't understand it. It makes no sense to me. Why am I here?"
"I don't know. I don't think it's important knowing why you are here so much as the fact that you are here. Perhaps, you were led here by God."
"Maybe. If that is the reason then God must have a sense of humor."
"I sure hope God has a sense of humor. If He doesn't then we are all going to Hell."
Dixon smiled despite himself and looked to see if Tino was smiling as well, but he wasn't. Tino's face was emotionless. He looked deep in thought as he stared out to the water. Suddenly, the clouds began to break open and rain.
"Uh-oh, it looks like the storm is finally here. This probably isn't the safest place to be. Tino, I think we should head back now," Dixon said.
Tino didn't respond, he didn't even move.
"Tino, are you all right?"
Now Tino responded, "I'm not sure, but I want to stay here and think."
"Are you sure about that? This is going to be a pretty bad storm."
"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I have to think about this now."
Dixon paused, but pushed no further.
"Okay, I understand. Tino, be strong, and remember to keep your eyes open. Make things right with yourself."
Tino turned to Dixon and nodded. With that Dixon was off.
Tino looked back to the water as the rain continued to pour down on him.
End of Chapter Four