Cult Cupid: Chapter 4
Author: Freya
Disclaimer: There are so many things I want but can't have. Must you rub it in my face?
Setting: Same as all the other settings from 'Miss Cupid'.
Warnings: A/U, Shounen-ai/Yaoi, my pimp pairings (the king of the crop being 1x2x1 of course), inane humor, inappropriate language, mildly obscene activity, picking on preps, and enough bad puns and retarded spoofs to choke a horse! Are we having fun yet?
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"This is the song that never ends.
It goes on and on my friends.
Someone started singing it not knowing what it was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because.. "
"Duo, if you value your life you will stop singing that horrendous song RIGHT now," Wufei barked under his breath. Still in school they were. Final period of the day, then home they would go. Much to Wufei's dismay, that was about an hour away. Oh, woe was he. "I don't want to hear you complaining about how bored you are either. You think I'm not?" The dark haired teen turned his nose back toward the classroom's television screen, then shot a quick glance toward the teacher, who appears to have fallen asleep. Wufei could tell that guy was asleep since there was drool leaking out of the corner of his mouth, and because he was snoring.
Wufei tapped his dearest friend on the shoulder, so Duo could get a look at who the aspiring youths of America were supposed to be depending on. The braided boy was slightly amused and slightly irritated at the same time. Why didn't students get to sleep through dull ass movies?
"I thought Sex Ed. was supposed to be cool. So far, all these tapes have talked about were alcohol and tobacco." Duo rolled his eyes and slouched further into his chair. He didn't think he had any need for watching this, seeing as he wasn't really planning on becoming a smoker or an alcoholic. True, some kids were in dire need of watching this crap; Duo just wasn't one of them.
"This isn't just Sex Ed. my friend, it's Health Ed. as well."
Duo snorted again, and was still not impressed by the trite words spoken by the gentleman on the screen he watched. Cancer this, liver failure that; the words and phrases just went on and on and on... "Safe sex is healthy."
"You're just saying that because you're a pervert," Wufei countered.
"So?" The braided one asked innocently. Wufei just shook his head and rolled his eyes at the drama taking place on the vid. screen. He could so feel Duo's pain.
Duo twiddled his thumbs for a couple of seconds, then randomly thought of something.
"'Fei?"
"Yep."
"What would happen if someone got their eyelids cut off and kept being fed sleeping pills?"
Wufei was taken aback by Duo's, not only bizarre, but TOTALLY random question. "Uh... sucks to be them I guess." That was the best he could do. Duo was too spontaneous for his own good. "What the hell made you ask such a thing?"
Duo just stared at the dirt building up underneath his finger nails and shrugged. "Randomness."
"Pfft, figures."
A little bit after the two of them had stopped talking, something, or rather, someone who'd just passed by their classroom door caught Wufei's eye.
"Hey, that Kitty girl just walked by. And she's still wearing that atrocious... cape thing." Wufei said and winced at the mere thought of Cathy's attire. Electric green, orange, and purple didn't settle well with him.
"That's 'Cathy' to you, bozo. Only Hilde can call her the 'K' word." Duo winked at Wufei and gave him a playful punch on the shoulder. He did have to wonder though, why exactly was Catherine still there? Her and Noin had already served their purpose.
Or... had they?
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"Awe, this is a beautiful shawl!" exclaimed Une of room 1113 (Duo and Wufei's homeroom and a sophomore history class.) "Tell me, what nationality are you?"
"Na... ty... a.. l, cud re say you that oh please," Cathy said with a heavy Asian accent. East or west Asia, Ms. Une wasn't exactly sure. She taught American History, and the subject of the month was immigration. She didn't think the guest speaker of her class would be this much of an immigrant.
"Well, you obviously have somebody who will help translate what you say to the class coming. I trust you to keep the class in order. There's a senior in there who's the class' intern. Feel free to ask him anything. I'd stay, but I must attend a meeting with principal Treize Kushranada about that hole in the wall." Une pointed right down the hall, and Catherine pretended to be awe struck. "Yes, some audacious little basta... I-I mean delinquent did that."
"Big hooole," Cathy said, sounding more and more illiterate English-wise every second.
Une nodded once, and hurried down the hall to meet with Treize. Once the teacher was out of sight, Cathy began to snicker loudly. Teachers; they get more gullible by the years.
"Now, time to put my plan into action." She removed her large shawl and stuffed it into Hilde's locker so nobody could find it. Cathy was reveling her true colors at last. The girl was dressed in a camouflage tank-top with matching cargo pants, complete with big combat boots and a spiked belt for good measure. No one messes with her girlfriend's friends and gets away with it.
"FREEZE!" Cathy yelled while she kicked open the door. A usually chatty group of youngsters fell totally silent at the intimidating college girl's entrance. Catherine Bloom, the fierce caged animal has come to invade their school. At least she was referred to as the caged animal, or The Lioness back when she attended this dinky little school. She was one girl nobody messed with, albeit she and her brother were both homosexual. Speaking of brother...
"Cathy! What the hell... !?" exclaimed a rather shocked Trowa Barton from the back of the room. He was hired to be a student intern for that class, since he not only had a study hall during that channel, but Une really did need the help. Not to mention Ms. Une was his favorite teacher when he was in grade ten.
"Oh Trowa... hey... " she said with a rather nervous giggle. "L-long time no see, eh?"
"Yeah... it sure was a long time since breakfast this morning," Trowa answered sarcastically. The whole class let out a chuckle. "Why are you here?"
"I have something to say to these little mongrels." She jammed an accusing finger in each of their directions. "Surely you've heard about the incident out in the hall."
Trowa dug his pinky into his left ear and walked toward the door. "Then say what you need to. This gives me an excuse to use the bathroom anyway."
"Thanks for sharing, bro." The girl rolled her eyes with an amused look on her face. Trowa was too much fun to pick on.
Once Trowa had left the classroom, the fierce look returned to Cathy's face, rendering each and every student in the classroom silent yet again. "Betcha didn't recognize me underneath that shawl, didya?"
"Catherine Bloom!" One girl at the back of the class exclaimed. "B-b-but, you went to that big, fancy college. You... !"
"You all seem to forget, that I don't tolerate ignorance!" She barked at all of them, completely ignoring the girl who'd just been speaking. "You all leave my brother alone, now leave Heero Yuy alone."
"I will NOT!!!! HE BROKE RELENA PEACECRAFT'S HEART!!!!!!!" One girl screamed at the top of her lungs whilst thick tears rolled down her face. Cathy rolled her eyes and shook her head. These socially challenged losers needed to get a life.
"Oh well, are you saying Relena isn't strong enough to fix her own problems?" Catherine asked the blubbering girl who'd just barked at her. "That is so insulting, you know. Relena Peacecraft needs a bunch of little nobodies to fix her problems. You insult her by pulling this shit out of your asses and throwing it at Heero. So what if the guy's a jerk! Relena doesn't need ANY of YOU!"
"That's a LIE!!!" said a second girl, her eye bugged out so wide they looked like they were going to explode. "Noin came here to punish him!"
"Noin came here to punish YOU ALL for insulting poor Relena!!" Cathy was all fired up. To her, it felt great to get under the skin of the ignorant. None of them had a clue about how much Relena despised her current life style. For heaven sakes, she was a straight, sixteen year old girl, going out in public as Rel-kun Peacemillion, a random wannabee jock boy, just to avoid publicity. Everybody BUT Heero made her miserable.
"Oh no... s-s-seriously? R-Relena... h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hates us?" an over dramatic prep girl bellowed out. "B-b-b-b-but, she's our master... o-our ruler! We're NOTHING without HER!!!"
Catherine hoped to god Relena didn't have to hear THAT very often.
Ten minutes and three re-appearances of Trowa later.
"She will forgive you all for your sin," Cathy finally said, after the drama began to become unbearable. She felt like she was in the Puritan age. All of the fingers being pointed; all the fear about becoming an awful person under their 'God'. A few of the students even swore they were going to Hell for upsetting Relena. This was just like the Puritan age... or worse... just like the goofy high school shows on The Disney Channel! Or Nickelodeon!
"Tell us how! We will do anything," said yet another random prep who was on her knees begging. Cathy had to really resist the urge to kick the shit out of the pathetic little whelp.
"Relena... wants you all to leave Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell alone. That is all."
An uproar of confused chatter took place right then and there. It wasn't really a hard concept to grasp, which is why it took Cathy all of her will not to knock the little retards senseless.
"You heard me correct. Let her go on with her life. She doesn't need Heero and she doesn't want any of you getting hurt because you were bothering him. She wants to protect you as well yanno. Be grateful!"
"I'm willing to DIE for Relena," said a boy this time, sounding sickeningly noble. Now Cathy just wanted to laugh. This was all totally ludicrous.
"She doesn't WANT you to, GET IT? Leave Heero and Duo alone, that's ALL. SHE. WANTS."
After a few more minutes of psychobabble, the ignorant group of weirdo kids agreed with Catherine and decided that Heero wasn't worthy of their noble breaths.
"I guess I'll be off then. Trowa, make sure they stay true to their word."
"Right... " Trowa barely squeaked out, since he was out of breath from laughing so hard in the background (the panic of the group drowned out the sound of his laughter) He also had to make sure Une didn't find out about Cazthy's appearance; his sister's ass as well as his own were seriously on the line for this.
"And remember kiddies, you NEVER saw me! You only saw Enirehtac Moolb! I bid you farwell!"
Trowa began laughing again, since he was the only one who got the joke.
Fifteen minutes later, Une returned, being none the wiser about Cathy's appearance. One thing was for certain though, not very many people would be passing the up coming test on immigration.
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"The wheels on the bus go round and - whoa! I just had a premonition!"
Wufei started laughing as soon as his friend said that. "Yeah, sure, what was it? That you'll not be singing five minutes from now?"
"Ha. Ha. Ha." Duo said sarcastically while twirling his finger around in circles, for no reason what so ever. "No seriously! I have this feeling all of a sudden."
"Don't tell me... it's gas right?" Wufei lent back into his seat, and his back pressed up against something he didn't recognize from before. The next thing he knew, a very abrupt and very rude noise had sounded off. It was the sound of a whoopee cushion!
"It was gas alright." Duo and quite a few others in the class began to laugh. Whoopee cushions were always funny, no matter what grade you were it.
"DUO!!!" Wufei lifted himself out of his seat and began beating Duo mercilessly with the limp piece of rubber. "That... trick... was... so.. juvenile!"
"Awe, and you beating me with it's less juvenile?"
The two boys were piled on the floor, having an all out war with one another... until the teacher woke up that was.
"MAXWELL! CHANG! DETENTION!" the teacher roared out then fell right back asleep.
Then, the bell to end the day had rung, and Duo and Wufei left the Health Ed. room, pretending the lazy teacher hadn't said anything.
TBC
A/N: Mwee he he, the next chapter after this is going to be SO evil XD I've had the song that never ends stuck in my head for awhile, so I just had to include it somewhere in this chapter. Duo and Wufei pickin' on each other's always fun. They make excellent friends!
I've got a Halloween fic in mind too. Dunno if I'm gonna make it 1x2 or 1x2xR... me hasn't decided yet. It's just going to be another weirdo humor fic by yours truely. I might start heading back in the angst direction as well (I have a contest to write for and a fic request from livejournal) Plus, I have a comic book that teaches you how to make comics so I can make my own doujins! (even though I'm not that good a drawer. Meh... )
Responses:
Tara SylvanBlade - Insanity is my specialty ;)
Ink2 - Well YEAH! Haven't you even seen Tallgeese the Mobile Suit? It's got a thing on it's head that looks kinda like a mohawk XD
Death Phoenix - I tried. Hopefully I'll update sooner next time XP
ChibiNekoSakura - Whoo-hoo! I've been sporked! Oh wait... OW o.x; Wufei embarrassed ish quite cute, is it not XD
inthefire2002- CHOCOLATE CHIP CHEESECAKE!!! Marry me? XD Yeah baby, Heero's got excellent taste in men ;) But, there's only one man that's most suitable for him -throws Duo on top of him- Now the world is perfect ;)
fiery-icicles - Yay for Noin and her man's pimpin' guitar D
Gangsta Videl - Hopefully this laughter will make you very happy. I'm sorry I didn't send you this chapter to be BETA-read, but I couldn't find your e-mail anywhere o.o; Oh well, I vote donuts for president now XD
Inuyasha-Luv-Kagome - I know! I wish Noin could do that to the preps in my school XD Or just most of the freshmen who still haven't learned their manners at least.
Skarlet Red - MIL XD I like that one! I'll certainly remember it!
MELM - Always happy to brighten up your day, sweetie :)
ahanchan - Wow! Lots of people liked the Noin thing. I guess we're not seeing the last of her then ;)
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Final Note: If you're interested in writing winter Yaoi fics, please consider entering this contest at The Vault. I put the link in my bio, so if you want to check it out. Later -flies away-