Disclaimer: see part 1.
When All That's Left is Stillness
By Random1377
Part 4
I spend another twenty minutes with Hikari before I tell her that I need to leave. She is surprised by the way I phrase it – I can see it in her face – but she hides it very well, rising off of her bed (where we have been talking… or rather, where she has been talking and I have been listening) and leading me to the front door. There she hesitates, then asks me if I would like to come over for dinner.
As politely as I know how, I decline her invitation. I am already uncomfortable with the time I have spent getting to know her, as it is so far removed from anything I have done before, and I do not know if I can handle such an intimate setting as dinner with her family with less than 24 hours experience in extended interaction. She is persistent, however, and proposes several other days, her smile widening until she is nearly laughing as I finally agree that Thursday might work.
Unfortunately, I do not think she believes that I really have as many obligations as I have outlined.
I allow her to believe as she will, trying my best not to be rude in bidding her goodbye. She is my friend now – a relationship I have not explored before – so I will need to treat her differently than anyone else in my life.
How strange. This is how I had always imagined a romantic relationship, yet there are people that I interact with every day that have two, three, sometimes as many as ten friends, each with their own unique dynamic. Leaving her waving as I walk down her apartment building's corridor, I know that I could never do that. The idea of one friend alone is uncomfortable and awkward. Two would be stressful. Three would be maddening.
Ten would be outright impossible.
Reaching the street, I glance back over my shoulder, regarding her apartment building for a moment before continuing on my way. It is grey, square, and unextraordinary… but it is where my Friend lives, so it must now hold a special place in my thoughts.
Mustn't it?
I turn away, blinking as a droplet of rain splashes on my cheek. Friendship is more difficult than I had anticipated. I have been friends with Hikari for less than forty minutes, and already I am unsure of how to behave in her presence, or even how I should look at her apartment building. It is very confusing.
Closing my eyes, I take a breath, once again forcing my feelings and thoughts back down before they can assert themselves too strongly. When I open them, I am once again myself. Calm. Detached. Secure. Aloof. Everything Commander Ikari has trained me to be. Starting down the street, and ignoring the light drizzle that has begun to fall, I reason that if I can pilot EVA I can find a way to maintain one relationship.
Walking towards the train station, I feel a shiver work through me at the chill in the air. It is not cold, since Japan has not experienced true cold since before Second Impact, but it is much cooler than I am used to, and the rain is falling steadily, beading on my forearms like small bits of glass before merging and running down to drip from my fingertips.
A blue car passes in the rain, and for a moment, I think it looks familiar. Discarding the thought, I brush a strand of hair out of my eyes and gaze down the street, gauging the distance between myself and the entrance to the train station. At a guess, I estimate five more minutes of walking before I am under the shelter, and I will undoubtedly be soaked by then.
At the next intersection, however, the same blue car that passed by pulls up in the crosswalk, blocking my way. The passenger window rolls down and a familiar voice calls to me.
"Hey, little girl… you want some candy?"
"Hello, Major Katsuragi."
"Hey, Rei, what's up? Kinda far from home, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Ahh, your sparkling conversational abilities take my breath away. Hop in, Rei, I'll give you a ride."
"There is a train station two blocks from here."
"Really? A train station?? Wow!! And here I thought we were in the sticks. That was a joke, Rei, don't stare at me like that. I know there's a train station two blocks from here, I just drove past it, but I KIND of thought you MIGHT like riding in a comfortable seat instead of having your butt grabbed by some drunk while a bunch of teens giggle about how hot Saiyuki Kashino is."
It seems Major Katsuragi has ridden the train before.
Stepping off the curb, I open her car's passenger side door and climb in, feeling a welcome burst of warm air wash over me as I settle into the seat. Major Katsuragi tells me to buckle up, which I manage to do mere seconds before she moves the gearshift into first and pushes the gas.
Pushing, I suppose, would be an understatement, as the speed with which we take off forces me back into my seat.
I do not hold much fear of dying. As I have stated before, I am replaceable. Riding with Major Katsuragi, though, fills me with the certainty that I WILL be replaced – and soon. In spite of the fact that it is now raining very hard, she seems intent on treating the roads as if they were freshly laid. With one hand on the wheel, and the other holding a paper cup close enough to her mouth for her to sip through its straw, she drives as if multiple angels were currently en route and she is the only one capable of raising the alarm.
Rounding a corner, I steal a glance at the speedometer.
I am positive that it reads 105 KMPH.
"Want some?"
"No."
"You sure? It's chocolate/strawberry. It's really good."
"No, Major."
"…has anyone ever told you that you're no fun?"
"Yes."
"Just checking."
We turn another corner, splashing a man that looks disturbingly like sub-commander Fuyutsuki, and Major Katsuragi slows down, murmuring something about a police officer that spends time in this area waiting for speeders. From her tone, I feel confident that she has personal experience with the officer's tactics, but she seems to hold no ill-will towards the man and actually seems almost hopeful that she might have a chance to encounter him again, as if it is all just a game to her.
And perhaps it is, I cannot say. I really don't know much about her, in all honesty, and I have only spent time with her away from NERV on two separate occasions – both with Ikari and the Second – so I have never had a need to interact with her one-on-one before.
This thought must have occurred to Major Katsuragi as well, because she slows the car still further (almost dipping below the speed limit) and starts up a conversation.
"So what were you doing this far from home?"
"Visiting someone."
"Wow, really??"
"Yes."
"Anyone I know?"
"Hikari Horaki."
"Oh that's right, she does live around here, doesn't she… hmm… So, you and her are hanging out now, huh?"
"Yes."
"That's cool."
"Mm."
"You sure you don't want some of my shake? It's really good."
"Yes, Major, I am sure."
"Call me Misato, ok?"
"Major, I-"
"Misato."
"…Misato."
"Better. Geez, you'd think I asked you to poison the Commander. You don't really have to call me Misato, Rei, I just wanted to hear you say it once."
"Why?"
"Why? Well, it's kind of stupid… but we've known each other three years, and in all that time, you've never called me anything but Captain, then Major. I just wanted to know what it would sound like. Hey, now that I think about it – you've never used ANYONE'S first name. Well, you did call Shinji by his name once, but that's it."
"I… did?"
"Uh huh – during the last angel fight."
"I believe you are misremembering."
"No, I'm not. I played it back after the fight – a couple times – because I couldn't believe it. When the angel started to take Unit 01 in, you called out for him… called him kun and everything. Pretty unforgettable, really."
I turn away, staring out into the driving rain as I contemplate this observation. Did I really call Ikari 'Shinji-kun'? Aloud? I cannot even imagine doing such a thing, but Major Katsuragi's face is entirely serious – friendly, and amused, but serious – so I do not doubt that she is telling the truth.
And she is right. I do not use people's first names.
With Hikari, I will start. She is my friend, now. But with other people, I simply do not feel the connection necessary to use such a familiar greeting. For as long as I can remember, the idea of using a first name has seemed almost out of reach, alien, something only done by those in the world that are 'normal,' a title I have never associated with myself.
I know no others with blue hair. I know no others with red eyes. I know no others whose sole purpose in life is…
I do not like thinking about my purpose.
But names have always been talismanic to me, and even hearing my own name from others brings out a slight feeling of discomfort, as if I should reciprocate, or somehow force myself to grow closer to them. Which is why the news (for I truly do not recall the event) that I used Ikari's first name comes as such a surprise to me.
Without effort, I imagine Shinji's face, focusing on the slightly warm feelings his features stir inside me. Attraction? Yes. Caring? Undoubtedly. Desire? Perhaps. …love? I would not know the feeling if I experienced it. I would not mind being in love with Ikari, I suppose, but as I have nothing to base my opinion on, I can only theorize that it would be pleasant. For all I know, love is uncomfortable, or actively painful. The only experience I have with the emotion is what I have read in books or seen on television.
And I do not watch much television.
Again, I find myself contemplating action without having a justifiable reason behind it. It is frightening, really, to try to be something you have never been. Half of my mind is telling me that I should take the next few days to contemplate what I have done, to absorb, ponder, and observe the reactions and consequences of my actions.
The other half suggests that now that I have begun moving, I should not stop, lest I should grow stagnant or lose what I have gained.
But… what have I gained, other than friendship?
…and should that not be enough?
"I heard you talking to Shinji this morning."
"Mm."
"…and Asuka."
"I see."
"You like Shinji, huh?"
"…yes."
"You gonna go for it?"
"I…"
"Heh… I think that's the first time I've seen you blush, Rei."
"Mm."
"I dunno… I think maybe you should give it a shot."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. You guys look cute together."
"I see."
"Do you…?"
I turn to look at her, but she is staring out the front windshield of the car.
She is not smiling.
Turning back to look out of my window, I contemplate her words, and I start to appreciate how much has been said… and how much more was unsaid. How, for example, did Major Katsuragi know where Hikari lived? In talking to her, Hikari had said that she and Asuka had discussed who would get a car first, as they always took the train everywhere, and vowed to stay friends long after they were old enough to drive.
Beyond that bit of information, the seriousness of the Major's expression concerns me, as does the fact that she is now driving well below the posted speed limit – as if what is on her mind is distracting her so much that she does not have the concentration to drive at her normal speed.
"Where do you see yourself in a year, Rei?"
"Here."
"Here in my car? Oh, don't answer that, it was just a joke and you know it! …so you see yourself in Tokyo-3 a year from now?"
"Yes."
"And in two years?"
"Here."
"Three?"
"Here."
"Five?"
"Here."
"Ten?"
"He-"
"Ok, so, you plan to live the rest of your life right here, got it, but what do you plan to do after the angels stop coming?"
"…you believe that they will?"
Perhaps this is not the most tactful way to end the conversation, I admit, but it definitely succeeds. Major Katsuragi frowns, signaling a right turn as she drops her empty shake cup into the car's lone cup-holder, and does not look at me for several minutes. I believe that I have inadvertently touched on a very deep fear, which was not my intention at all. I only wanted for her to stop asking me questions about the future.
Questions about the future always make me uneasy.
What does it matter what I will be doing in ten years? Is it not difficult enough to understand today and tomorrow without concerning oneself with what the future may or may not hold? Being who I am, I know what the future holds – for myself, and everyone else – and I do not enjoy dwelling on it.
"…I think you should ask Shinji out."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. I think it would be good… for both of you."
"Mm."
"You don't think so?"
"I… do not know."
"Should I have him ask you out instead?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"…it is not your place."
"Damn – you sound just like the Commander when you say stuff like that. Alright, I won't stick my nose in your business anymore. But think about it… neither of you is, God, how can I say this? Neither of you is really that good with people, so maybe together you could-"
"This is my building."
"What? Oh crap."
Major Katsuragi steps on the breaks and the car skids to a halt twenty-five feet past the front door to my apartment building. She stares out into the night, her face devoid of any emotion as her fingers drum idly on the steering wheel. Three times, her mouth opens, but nothing comes out, and she closes it every time.
We sit in uncomfortable silence for some time – how long, I do not now – simply gazing into the darkness. The windshield wipers beat a rhythmic thump, thump, against the edges of the glass, creating an almost soporific metronome effect. This, coupled with the pouring rain outside, soon has my body relaxed and my mind calm. The quiet between us goes on, but for me, it has grown more comfortable. Major Katsuragi, it seems, can appreciate silence, because her fingers finally slow and stop their restless movement, and after another minute or two, she sighs deeply and leans back in her seat, resting her neck on the headrest.
She rolls her head to the side, glancing at me for a long, thoughtful moment, and I am sure that she is going to speak to me, to tell me that she truly believes Shinji and I would make a 'cute' couple.
That is what adults do, isn't it? Treat youth as ignorance and impose their own belief sets on anyone they might be able to influence.
Eventually, through a smile, she does speak… and her words hit me hard. Unable to speak, I simply nod, fumbling for the door's handle and flinging it open to swiftly climb out into the pouring rain. I hurry towards my building, barely acknowledging her call of goodnight, and make my way up to my apartment to seek the solace of isolation.
I need to think.
I need to focus.
I need to understand why her words affect me the way they do.
In my apartment, I strip off my clothes and lie naked on my bed, covering my eyes with one arm and hearing her final comment echo over and over in my ears as the first gnawing pangs of hunger start to twist at my stomach, reminding me that I have eaten nothing more substantial than tea since the energy bar Shinji gave me earlier in the morning.
"Well, no matter what you do, I'll still like ya. You might be a little cold sometimes, but I've always kind of thought you look like you want to smile when no one's looking… and I know I'd like to see that some time. Don't ever let anyone push you, Rei – just be yourself. A lot more people than you think want to see you happy… why not surprise everyone and try it on for size? Just think about it, huh? Now go on, get going before I just take you home with me."
Continued…
Author's notes: Rei's comment about it not being Misato's place to get involved in her affairs seemed like the most in character way of saying 'mind your own damn business.' Some may argue that Rei would never say something like this, but in all honesty, Gendou is the only one she is ever shown to be absolutely unquestioningly loyal to, so there's no reason to think that she would sit back and let someone else meddle in her love life.
…you know, such as it is.
No pre-reader was used in this chapter.
Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.