Disclaimer: see part 1.
When All That's Left is Stillness
By Random1377
Part 5
I spend the next three days in stillness, repressing every thought – every emotion – forcing them deep down into the darkest places within me so that I am not overwhelmed by them. I had no idea that change could be so confusing, or so painful. During these three days, I seek the cool, dispassionate comfort of blank stares and avoided contemplation, taking refuge in the relative silence of my apartment, where the familiar sounds of construction help drown out any intrusive thought.
Now that it is Wednesday, I feel that I might be able to actually make it in to school. Rising from my bed, I feel rusty, unused – as if I have not moved for decades. My muscles, while not exactly aching, are sluggish and heavy, a noticeable side effect of my extended seclusion, but my mind seems clearer today, a sure sign that I will be able maintain my composure around others.
I stretch my arms up over my head, trying to relieve the mild aching in them, and carefully suppress a memory of Major Katsuagi's recommendation before the idea can take hold. Try to act happy. As if it is that easy.
Honestly, the woman baffles me sometimes.
Letting my arms fall to my sides, I start towards the shower. I come up short, however, blinking in surprise as a soft knock sounds at my door. I know it cannot be the Commander – he would not knock, for one thing, and he has given me carte blanch to take time from school as I see fit, to ensure that my focus is not disrupted my extraneous interactions.
As the person knocks again, I find myself wondering who might come to see me. Ikari has been to my apartment twice – once to give me my identification, once to drop off some printouts – but as I am current on my schoolwork and NERV papers, he has no reason to come by, and I cannot think of anyone that has reason to come to my apartment.
This thought makes me inexplicably sad.
With a small start, I realize that I have been standing motionless for over a minute, trying to guess at who might be at the door when all I have to do is cross over to it and pull it open. This, I do, and find myself face to face with the person that should have come to mind first and foremost.
"Rei! Hi! I, umm… hi."
"Hello, Hikari."
"I umm, you haven't been at school."
"I am aware of that."
"Are you… alright?"
"Yes."
"Oh, good. I was worried."
"…I see."
"Rei…?"
"Yes?"
"…you're naked."
Frowning faintly, I glance down. My brow clears as I find that I do still have my panties on. For a moment, I thought that I might have slipped them off to take a shower and forgotten somehow. I am not normally absentminded, so the idea that I might have taken off an article of clothing without remembering is somewhat alarming.
I point out that I am not naked, and when I raise my head, I find Hikari covering her mouth with one hand, trying not to laugh. Confused, I ask what is amusing her. Stifling a giggle, she tells me that the line between topless and nude is pretty slim – especially for answering the door – and that, if I want, she can come in for a moment while I get ready, then accompany me to school… because really, either state of undress would probably be frowned up by the teachers.
Slightly put off by her sense of humor, I nod and allow her in.
She walks into my apartment with an expression of undisguised curiosity, seeming to want to take in every aspect of my living space in her short trip from the door to my bed. Needless to say, it does not take her quite that long.
"Wow… this place is small."
"Yes."
"Have you ever thought of getting a bigger place?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I do not need more than this."
"Well, no, but Asuka said they give you guys a pretty good cost of living allowance as pilots right?"
"Correct."
"So why not find somewhere you can stretch out, you know? Some people don't do well in a small space. Maybe you'd be happier if you had some room to move around in."
"I… prefer enclosed spaces."
"…oh, well, then you're probably ok here. Sorry if I'm being nosy, I just… sorry…"
She trails off awkwardly… and I do not know how to continue the conversation. After several moments of watching her pluck nervously at her uniform, I excuse myself to go shower, knowing I should try to assure her that she has done nothing wrong, but having no idea of how to accomplish it.
After a brief hesitation, I bring clean underclothes into the bathroom with me, remembering the faint blush on Hikari's face at seeing me undressed.
I have never spent much time with showering. I understand its importance, so I do not skip it, but it is not something I linger on. In less than five minutes, I have washed myself and pulled my under-things on, hoping that Hikari will not be uncomfortable with that. Drying my hair as I come out of the bathroom, I find Hikari standing next to my bedside table, staring intently at something in her hand.
"What are you looking at?"
"Oh! Oh, Rei! You scared me! I was just… sorry, I saw this on the table, and I was just curious."
"Mm."
"Are you, umm…"
"Am I what?"
"Are you going to do it?"
"Do what?"
"Model."
"No."
"Why not? You're really pretty."
I do not know how to reply to this, so I simply begin getting dressed. Honestly, I cannot remember keeping the business card in Hikari's hands. I was certain that I threw it away when I got home on Saturday night, but clearly that is not the case. What concerns me more than the presence of the card – and the implication that keeping it was a subconscious directive rather than a simple oversight – is Hikari's interest.
She seems fascinated by the idea, turning the card over and over in her hands with a thoughtful expression on her face.
And she said I was 'Pretty.'
That word again.
Why is it that other people insist on seeing things in me that I cannot? Pulling my shirt on and starting to button it, I find myself wondering if the fault lies in me, or them. The 'scout' (if that was her true occupation) said I had the kind of face men liked to look at – but it is her job to say that, is it not? And Hikari is my friend, so she would feel obligated to compliment me.
Correct?
Glancing down, my hands freeze. I have buttoned my shirt incorrectly, leaving one hole at the top and one button at the bottom. This is unacceptable. To doubt is one thing – to allow it to affect you is another. So far, in my life, I have never hesitated, never second guessed, and now I am starting to show signs of disquiet.
Outward signs. Visible signs. Signs that others can easily pick up and comment on.
Taking a calming breath, I begin to unbutton my shirt, thankful that suppressing emotion is so easy for me. Otherwise I might have actually sighed with frustration.
I am peripherally aware of Hikari digging in her school bag as I pull my jumper on, but as she is not attempting to make conversation, I let the silence go unchecked, finding that it is actually rather pleasant to be in the presence of another sometimes. It is comfortable, I suppose, to know that there is someone with you, and that they like you enough to WANT to be there.
Unfamiliar, but comfortable.
Hikari takes a deep breath as I slip the straps of my jumper over my shoulders, and from the corner of my eye, I see her pulling something out of her school bag.
"Rei…?"
"Yes?"
"…can I take your picture?"
The silence that falls this time is not comfortable.
Slowly, I raise my eyes, finding her holding up a rather expensive looking camera, the tone of her voice hopeful and energetic. The business card, I notice, is trapped between her fingers and the body of the camera, crumpling slightly in her haste to pull the device out. In looking at the camera, I can tell that it is a professional level model, and from the scratches on the casing, it is clear that it has seen much use.
Vaguely, I think I can recall Hikari taking pictures of a few other students, but as I spend most of my time thinking of other things, I cannot recall how often this has taken place – surely not very more than twice, but that seems a low estimate, now that I am thinking about it.
Our gazes meet, and I can see the excitement in her eyes, glittering behind a carefully constructed mask of casual indifference. Unexpectedly, I wonder if she can see past my expression as well. The eyes are the windows to the soul, the saying goes, and I have always been rather adept at reading other's emotions, when I have cared what they think (which, I admit, is not that often), but in staring into her eyes, I am taken with the idea that maybe she can read my emotions as well.
I do not like the idea at all, and I avert my gaze, going to my dresser to retrieve a pair of socks as I answer her question.
"No."
"Aww, come on."
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Just one shot – any pose you like."
"No."
"Why not?"
"We are going to be late."
"It'll only take a second."
"No."
"Why not??"
I leave her question unanswered this time, continuing to rummage in my drawer for a mate to the sock I have found.
My laundry is almost all dirty, I think, avoiding her question even in my mind; I will need to wash them later today. Avoidance… yes, that would be best in this case. Don't think about why I would not want a picture of myself taken. Don't think about why Hikari would want one in the first place. Don't think about why a talent scout would ask me to pose for her company after several minutes of cursory observation on a train.
Just don't think at all – it makes it so much easier if I don't think.
"I won't let anyone else see it if you don't want them too, but I really want to take your picture, Rei… ok? Hey, if you want, I can show you some of the others I've taken some time."
"No, thank y-"
"I have one of Ikari."
My hands freeze in their seemingly fruitless search for a second sock.
Ikari… I have been so careful to avoid thinking of that name over the last few days, and just by hearing it, I can practically taste that first bite of energy bar. I close my eyes as I try to force the thoughts away, but it is not working. All I can see behind my eyelids is his face.
How does she know? How does she know that his is the name that affects me? DOES she know, or was it simply an intuitive grasp at a name of someone I know – a shot in the dark to make me change my mind?
Slowly, I open my eyes and glance over my shoulder, trying to read her expression.
She smiles hesitantly, bringing her camera up to her face and closing one eye to peer through its viewfinder. Neither of us speak as she aims, and I know that I have every opportunity to turn away, just as she has every opportunity to snap off a continuous stream of profile shots and taking advantage of the physical space and friendship between us to simply take what she wants.
Instead, she simply waits until she knows I am not going to look away, and slowly depresses the shutter release.
Click.
Hikari's thumb moves up to the small lever on the left side of the camera's body, quickly pushing it several times, which produces a quiet ratcheting sound as the film inside advances to the next frame. She starts to lower it, glances at me over the top of the flash, and carefully brings it back up to eye-level.
"Turn around a little… let me see your face…"
Her voice is soft, friendly – not commanding in the least… but I still obey her, turning so that I am facing her straight on. She adjusts the focus minutely, biting her bottom lip in concentration as she takes a step back and covers the shutter release with her forefinger.
Click… click… click…
She lowers the camera halfway, quickly crossing the distance between us and reaching up towards my face.
"Can I…?"
Not knowing what to expect, I simply nod, trying to catch up with the oddly churning emotions that this experience is evoking. I am scared… thrilled… uncertain, and – I think – slightly excited by the steady click of the camera's shutter.
Hikari, it seems, is unaware of this… but that is not surprising – she seems far too caught up in what she is doing to notice me. Her face is flushed with color, and her lips are curled up in a happy smile as she gently brushes several strands of hair out of my face, arranging them carefully over my ears.
Her fingers brush my skin, and it sends shivers through me. She is so close to me now that I can smell the shampoo she uses – all apples and cinnamon – and nearly taste the mint-scented toothpaste she brushes her teeth with.
She leans closer, and I panic, recoiling back against the dresser and reaching up to grasp her hand.
"Don't…"
"Don't what…? Oh… oh God! No, Rei, I'm not… I just wanted to take your picture! I'm not… I wasn't-"
Hikari cuts herself off, blushing terribly as she takes a quick, stumbling step back. Her camera falls from her fingers as she realizes, with a jolt, exactly how close she was… and how it might be perceived. With a cry, she drops to her knees, banging them painfully on the hard floor as she tries to save her camera.
Click.
I move without thinking, reaching out a moment before it can hit the ground and accidentally triggering the shutter release as my fingers close around it. Hikari looks up at me, her eyes wide as I carefully set the camera in her outstretched hand. We stare into each other's eyes for a moment as the adrenaline generated by the near-miss slowly works out of our bodies.
Finally, Hikari pulls her gaze away, tucking the camera carefully back into her school bag before rising to her feet.
"You're… you're really fast…"
"It is… part of my training."
"Are Asuka and Shinji that fast?"
"I do not know, I have never asked how they train."
"Oh, umm… right, well – we should go, we're already late…"
"Yes."
"Hey, Rei?"
"Mm?"
"I… I wasn't, you know? I wasn't trying to… to do anything to you."
"Mm."
"Really! I just… I love taking pictures of beautiful things, and you're so pretty I just got caught up in… God, that sounds like an excuse, doesn't it? I'm sorry, Rei, I didn't mean it to look like… like that… I'm sorry."
"It is alright."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Ok… ok, I'm sorry, I just… yeah, I'm sorry…"
"Mm."
Turning back to the dresser, I push its contents around for another moment before I realize that I simply do not have anymore clean socks. Keeping my mind off of what just happened, I walk over to the small pile of dirty laundry in the corner and pick out a pair of socks with as little soil as possible. As I sit down to slip them on, I notice that Hikari is watching me closely, clearly still upset by the implied intimacy of her earlier actions.
Seeing my gaze, she quickly looks away, fidgeting with the strap of her school bag as she glances around my apartment.
How can I explain my reaction to her? I am sure that she thinks I am disgusted, but in all reality, I am not. My shock came from being touched in the first place, not from being touched by another girl. Honestly, gender roles have never concerned me much. Certainly, I am more attracted to boys than girls, but I have so little experience with intimacy of any kind that I am more open to the idea than most people.
Is it wrong to want physical contact so much that you are willing to allow it from anyone?
Too complicated… too complicated.
I shake my head, slipping my feet into my shoes and shouldering my bag as I head towards the door, forcing any further contemplation of hetero or homo sexuality far FAR into the recesses of my mind. I am brought up short, however, as Hikari's hand seizes mine. Glancing over my shoulder, I find her studying me anxiously, her face a perfect description of the word 'anguished.'
"Are… are we still friends…?"
"…yes."
"I'm sorry, I-"
"You have already said that."
"I know, but you looked so scared when I touched you I thought I should say it again."
"…scared?"
"Yeah – you looked like you thought I was going to… to just… you know, take advantage of you…"
"I see…"
S-so we're still friends…?"
"Yes."
Hikari sighs, her shoulders drooping with relief as she whispers, 'I'm sorry,' one last time.
She steps out of the apartment first, assuming that I am going to lock the door behind us, and shrugs, trying to loosen the visible tension from her muscles as we start off down the hallway. Reaching the elevator, I steal a quick look at my hand, frowning faintly as I try to recall how it felt to have it clasped by another.
I cannot deny it… I liked it.
I liked the feel of Hikari's fingertips on my face. I liked the feel of her hand covering mine. I liked the feel of her eyes sweeping over my body, studying me, examining me, appreciating me, and deeming me beautiful. Having someone touch and look at me was undeniably exciting, and as I look at my hand, I realize that I already miss having someone else's in it.
But everything about the pleasure I took in Hikari's touch is just slightly off.
…because Hikari is not the one I want to see me that way.
Stepping into the elevator, I find myself reassuring her once more that I am not offended and that we are still friends… even as I contemplate how, and if I should, take action to make myself more noticeable to the one I am thinking of.
Stillness is no longer acceptable.
Today, I move forward.
Continued…
Author's Notes: sorry, yuri fans, you'll have to look elsewhere. And no, there is not one shred of evidence in the series (or the manga, as far as I know) that Hikari is a shutterbug… I just thought it fit the story – and her character, really – so nicely that I slipped it in. Lastly – no, her interest in cameras will not progress into a Hikari/Kensuke relationship. Heavens, HEAVENS no…
No pre-reader is being used for this story.
Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.