Disclaimer: see part 1.
When All That's Left is Stillness
By Random1377
Part 6
Hikari gets over her embarrassment fairly quickly, and by the time we reach the train platform, she has resumed her normal speech patterns, describing her family life in rather minute detail. Normally, this kind of conversation would be boring for me, but I listen attentively, finding it mildly interesting to learn of her sisters' hobbies and mannerisms.
Having no family of my own, I cannot relate, of course, but it is enlightening to watch Hikari speak. She is energetic and animated, gesturing extravagantly as she details the double-date her sister went on with the Second. Apparently, the Second found the experience dull and left early, which did not please Hikari's sister.
The more she speaks, though, the more I find that I have nothing to say. This is all beyond me. All of it.
Family. Friends. Dates. None of them hold any deeper meaning for me than the syllabic ring of the words.
Except, naturally, friends – and that is too new for me to even count myself experienced. It IS nice, though. I cannot describe it properly, but knowing that there is someone in the world that thinks of you fondly makes it somehow easier to breathe. Perhaps that is melodramatic, but the idea that Hikari wants nothing more than my companionship makes the world seem the tiniest bit brighter.
Suddenly, I find myself wondering if she will scream when she is Complemented.
She seems so happy and carefree now, but I know that she – like every human – is fundamentally isolated from those around her. Incomplete, separate, alone. Complementation will alleviate that burden, but the Commander has said it will be a difficult adaptation for some, particularly those who believe themselves to be complete already and cannot comprehend what is happening. He has also hinted that there might be some fear or even pain when the ego border is removed – a regrettable side effect, but necessary to ensure the perpetuation of the race.
Studying her smiling face, I find myself questioning my role in this project for the first time. I understand the fundamental truth behind the concept of Instrumentality, but I have never allowed myself to question the methodology or prerequisite requirement of all mankind to participate, regardless of their individual will.
With a small sigh, I lament the fact that there will be no choice given. Complementation will occur regardless of my opinion, and in the end, the entire species will benefit from our efforts and reach a state of oneness undreamed of in any age, living in such unity and contentment that they would sing the praises of those few that brought it into being…
…if they had individual voices with which to sing.
"Hey, are you ok? You look all serious – like, even more than usual!"
"I am… fine."
"Heh… you're a terrible liar, Rei. C'mon, you can tell me, I'm your friend, I want to help."
"There is nothing to help with."
"…was I right about it being Ikari?"
"Hmm?"
"Back there, in your apartment… when I said his name you totally froze up. That's what's bugging you, isn't it?"
"No…"
"You're lying again! I was right – you like Ikari, don't you? I kept trying to think who in our class you might like, and I thought it was Suzuhara, since you were talking to him up on the roof the other day, but it's Ikari, right?"
"…yes."
"HA!! You little sneak! All this time, I thought you never even noticed him looking at you, but you've been playing hard to get!"
"I… what?"
"Oh, don't even try it! You pretend to stare out the window all day, ignoring everything going on around you, but I'll bet you've noticed every time Ikari looked over his shoulder at you, haven't you? HA! I knew it – you're blushing! Way to go, Ayanami! You're even cooler than I thought!"
I stare down at my hands, completely unsure of how to reply to this accusation. Ikari? Looking at me?
No… I had not noticed.
This information triggers an uncomfortable reaction in the pit of my stomach. I start to feel the faintest bit nauseous as I imagine Ikari's eyes raking over my body while I am not paying attention. He rarely holds eye contact for more than a few seconds at a time, so the idea of him watching me surreptitiously seems almost laughable.
However, I am not laughing.
Unconsciously, I find myself glancing at Hikari's school bag. Within it, I know, is a bento made specifically for Suzuhara. She told me, as we were passing the Akitasha station, that it wasn't SPECIFICALLY for him – it was just a few leftovers she threw together, since he never brings a lunch.
How unfortunate that she is as bad at lying as I am. She clearly has feelings for him, and it strikes me as odd that she is so willing to ask me if I want to be with Ikari when she will not admit that she wants to be with Suzuhara.
As I ponder the idea of making Ikari a bento, I find myself regretting the fact that Hikari will not be able to present hers to Suzuhara today.
"Hey, umm…"
"Yes?"
"No, it's nothing."
"Ok."
"Er, wait, I mean… can I ask you something?"
"Yes."
"When you were talking to Suzuhara the other day… did he umm… did he say…"
"Did he say what?"
"Did he say what's bothering him? He's been so down lately… did he tell you what's wrong?"
"…no."
"That was a pretty big pause, Rei…"
"Mm."
"There IS something wrong, isn't there…? Why won't you look at me? Come on, Rei, you know what's going on with him, don't you? Please tell me."
"I… cannot."
Of all the things to ask me about, why must she choose this?
Hikari looks down at her feet, clearly hurt, but there is nothing I can do to change that. To tell her what I know would be breaching both personal confidence and NERV security protocol, and while she is my friend, there are some lines I simply cannot cross.
The remainder of the ride to school is very quiet. Hikari does not immediately leave my side when we arrive at the station, but she avoids eye contact with me and does not try to make any further conversation. I feel very conflicted by this, because I WANT to tell her, since it would ease her fears to know exactly what is on Suzuhara's mind, but I know that doing so would violate several personal and professional confidences.
How complicated friendship is.
At the very least, I should let her know that Suzuhara will not be present today, shouldn't I? Do I not owe her at least that much consideration? If I do not tell her specifically WHY he will be absent, that would be acceptable, correct?
Before I can say anything on the matter, Hikari excuses herself, offering me a feeble smile as she tells me she needs to speak with our teacher about something before class. I am not sure that I believe this excuse, but considering her role as class representative, it is perfectly plausible.
Having never had a friend before, I find myself suddenly in danger of losing hold of the relationship, and I do not quite know what to do. Approaching our classroom, I slow my pace, bowing my head and trying to come to a decision. I cannot give her the full truth – that is out of the question – but if I do not at least tell her something, she may decide that I am not worth being friends with. Perhaps I will send her an instant message on our school terminals and simply let her know that Suzuhara will return tomorrow, upon which it should become fairly common knowledge where he was.
I know he will tell Ikari – they have been friends for weeks – and the Second boasted about her role since the day she arrived, so I am sure that Suzuhara will let everyone know what his new obligation is.
Feeling calmer now that I have reached a conclusion, I raise my head.
And come up short as I find the Second leaning against the wall next to our classroom door. She is staring straight ahead, with her arms folded over her chest and one foot braced against the wall behind her, and her expression is carefully blank… but I know she has seen me, since her lips slowly purse together and the lines around her eyes grow more pronounced.
I reach for the door, having absolutely no desire to speak with her, but before I can open it, she begins to talk, picking up our last conversation as if it has been three seconds since it was interrupted, rather than three days.
"You can't have him."
"Pardon?"
"You heard me, First. You can't have him."
"I do not understa-"
"The HELL you don't! Shinji lives with me, we're together every day – you don't have a chance."
"So you are… already intimate with him?"
"Y-you pervert! Of course I'm not inti- that's none of your business!"
"…I did not mean sexually."
"I don't care what you meant, it's none of your business."
"I was not aware that you care for him."
"What?! Who said I care for him??"
"But you-"
"Don't put words in my mouth! All I said was you can't have him – so why don't you go play with your EVA or something, you stupid doll."
There is so much anger radiating off of the Second that it feels as if I am standing in the middle of an open field on the hottest day of the year. Why? Why is she so enraged? My earlier conclusions about her interest in Ikari seem unfounded – especially in light of her dismissal of the idea that they are intimate – but why else would she be so upset by the idea of me being together with him?
She does not want me to have him… yet she makes no claim of her own. Does she truly hate me that much? What have I ever done to generate such ire? We have not known each other long enough, nor had enough interaction for me to have done something deliberately offensive, yet she is standing here, unwavering, and telling me that the one person I have openly admitted affection for is beyond my reach – simply because she deems it so.
Unacceptable.
With greater intensity than I can control, all of my pent up rage comes to the fore… and I find all of it directed at the girl in front of me.
"…no."
"Excuse me?"
"No. It is not for you to decide."
"HA! You really think you have a chance? HUH?! He doesn't want you, First – why would he? You're nothing. Just a stupid windup toy that does anything she's told. Why would you think Shinji would want someone as weak as you?? What do you think you could possibly offer him that I can't? And besides – I've already kissed him!"
My stomach clenches at this comment, and unconsciously, I shift my weight to the balls of my feet, sharply aware that the Second now has both heels planted on the floor, her shoulders tense as if ready for sudden movement.
I should have been prepared for her to use psychological warfare tactics, I really should have. I knew that she disliked me, I knew that she has been going out of her way to be near Ikari, and I knew that she has all the extensive military training that is required of all Evangelion pilots, so I should have been ready to defend myself against this type of attack.
Of course, I have had the same training.
"It is not for you to decide. Ikari can choose-"
"You can't even use his first name and you think he'll pick you over me?"
"You wish to be picked?"
"Shut up!"
This is a bad situation. The Second is now standing fully upright, and her hands are clenched at her sides as if she is ready to hit me at any time. I have said before that I am replaceable, and put no real value on my life or wellbeing… but I have also said that I have certain responsibilities and obligations I must fulfill, so I will not allow myself to be hurt if it is in any way avoidable.
Should this encounter turn physical, I will defend myself.
The Second takes a step to the right. I mirror by stepping left, refusing to give her a sightline advantage. I am peripherally aware that several students have stopped in the middle of the hall to watch us, but I do not take my attention away from the Second. I cannot afford to. She is no longer simply my associate.
Somehow, over the course of this conversation, we have become enemies, or at the very least, rivals.
"I don't like you."
"I realize that."
"I mean I really don't like you – at all."
"I see."
"Stay out of my way, First. You may be the Commander's little pet, but that won't save you from an ass kicking."
"…you would hurt me to keep Ikari for yourself."
For the first time since confronting me, her resolve falters. A shadow of doubt crosses her face and she wets her lips, glancing around at the small group of observers as if waking from a strange dream. As her eyes resettle on me, though, her expression hardens once more.
I am the focus of her anger, for whatever reason, and she is not to be swayed from her course.
Staring into her eyes, though, I get the distinct impression… that she is not all that sure why she is arguing with me. She has proclaimed her distaste for Ikari numerous times, yet the moment I express interest, she grows possessive and belligerent – as if I should know that she is attracted to him in spite of her poor attitude towards him.
The duality of this observation must be as confusing for her as it is for me, as she breaks eye contact and turns to face the classroom door, her voice so low that I almost do not hear it.
"Stay away from him, First."
"…I will not."
Without another word, she opens the door to the classroom and steps in, leaving me surrounded by stunned faces.
I try not to notice the amazed stares of the students all around me as I make my way towards the classroom door, but it is impossible.
"Did you see that?"
"Souryu and Ayanami!"
"Thought they were gonna fight."
"So badass!"
"Five bucks on Souryu!"
"Ganbatte, Ayanami-san!!"
Today was to be a day of forward motion… but I rather had meant it to be a step rather than a leap. Now, I find myself surrounded by whispers and conjecture, a chorus of questions and statements – some encouraging, some insulting – follow me into the classroom, where the members of my class stare at me with open wonder.
The gauntlet, it seems, has been laid at my feet, and without even thinking of the consequences, I picked it up and struck, leaving the Second's ego bruised and smarting.
Now… now I stand on the threshold – of the classroom, and something far deeper – my eyes locked helplessly on Ikari's as he gazes at me with undisguised shock.
He heard.
Souryu knows it too, because she will not look at him… but he heard.
He knows what I said about wanting to be near him. He knows that Souryu tried to stop me. Any chance to turn away or act as if nothing is out of the ordinary has been stripped from me and cast aside, pulled casually out of my hands by the acoustics of our classroom door and the whisperings of the students on both sides.
Abruptly, he tears his eyes away from mine, his face flushing horribly as he stares fixedly at his desktop. What do I do now? In the back of my mind, I was having vague, half-formed notions of holding a small conversation with him during our lunch break, or perhaps during the train ride to NERV later in the evening – just to see if I could actually interact with him – but now… now my options are limited, not only by Asuka's declaration, but by simple knowledge.
The simple knowledge that… he… heard.
Continued…
Author's Notes: portraying Asuka in this situation was far trickier than I thought. I didn't want her to come off as a total BITCH… just a confused adolescent that doesn't really know what she wants and is lashing out at the perceived source of her frustrations. Hopefully I got somewhere NEAR that ideal, and if I failed, well, sorry – I did the best I could.
No pre-reader is being used for this story.
Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.