Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 7

"Ikari."

"H-hi…"

How… pathetic. With the eyes of the entire classroom on me, I wither and fade, unable to push more than his name past my stiff, frozen lips. Someone in the back of the class laughs, but it is embarrassed, ashamed – the uncomfortable chuckle of someone who is grateful that they are not the one being scrutinized.

I envy them.

Everyone is staring at me. I feel paralyzed. They all expect something from me – even though they are not involved with what is happening, they all expect me to act. I cannot back down, not after my bold words with the Second. I am trapped by my own actions, and yet, one minute becomes two, then three, then four, and still, I cannot set foot inside the classroom. If I move – if I break free of this stillness gripping me, I will have no choice… I will not-

My eyes widen as I feel a palm plant itself firmly in the middle of my back, and before I can turn, I am shoved through the door. I catch myself before I can stumble by putting a hand on the first desk in the room, and from behind me, a soft voice tells me what to do.

"Just talk."

"…Hikari?"

"Don't just stand there… talk to him. This is what you wanted, right? Don't mess up, Rei – go for it!"

"Y-yes…"

I gather myself, bolstered by her words of encouragement, pathetically gratefully that I am not alone in this. Reaching for the last shred of the calm that used to be so natural for me, I walk down the aisle towards Ikari's desk, keeping my eyes focused on him so as not to be distracted by the stares of those around me.

Nearing his desk, though, I hear the Second murmur something under her breath. I glance her way, but find her eyes fixed not on me, but Hikari. Her face is tight with rage and hurt as she stares at the class rep, the right side of her upper lip pulling back slightly to reveal her teeth in an almost feral display of emotion.

Somehow, I doubt that the Second will be eating lunch with Hikari today.

Reaching Ikari's desk, I stop, pushing thoughts of the Second from my mind as I gaze down at the top of his head. He keeps his eyes carefully downcast, seemingly too afraid of what I might have to say to raise his head. Is he… frightened of me? Hikari said he looks at me every day – is it out of fear, perhaps?

Why won't he look at me?

"Ikari."

"Hi… Ayanami…"

I don't know what to say. Tongue-tied and clumsy, I cannot think of a single word.

It was so much different in my mind. When I was deciding what I might say to him, he was always looking at me, and we were always alone… and the words simply came, slipping from my lips with the ease of years spent interacting with others.

As if I'd ever had more than a three sentence conversation.

"You… look well today."

"Er… thanks…?"

I am falling. I am failing. This is nothing like making friends with Hikari – nothing.

This time I am the aggressor… and it is not a role that suits me.

Ikari shifts in his seat, his fingers idly tapping his desk as his eyes shoot briefly to mine, darting away after showing me the uncertainty in them. He does not know what to expect, and I am not skilled enough in dealing with people to make it clear.

Why is this so hard? Hikari told me that when the Second wanted to talk to her, she simply walked up to her and started a conversation, finding commonalities that-

That's it. Commonality…

"Your… synch scores have been going up."

"Y-yeah, I… I guess."

"Is it easier now? You… told me once that you did not like it."

"Well, umm… I guess so. I mean, I still don't LIKE it, but I have to do it, right? So… so yeah, it's easier now."

"Mm."

Progress. Halting, shivering, uneven progress. I feel exhilarated – the same sensation that fills me when we defeat the angels is now rushing through me, energizing me and making me bolder.

I have started a conversation… now I simply need to continue it.

It is, I find, rather trickier than I had anticipated. I know that I should build on common ground, but the only thing I can think of that I have in common with Ikari is EVA… and EVA does not make very interesting conversation.

Valiantly, I search for a new topic.

"You enjoy… music, correct?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I do."

"Classical?"

"Uh huh."

"I-"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this."

Blinking, I turn to find the Second staring at us with open disgust. Her arms are once again folded over her chest, and all of the hostility she exhibited outside of the classroom is back… and seems to have doubled, or possibly tripled, as she glares from Ikari to me and back again.

"I don't know why I thought you were a threat to me – you can't even TALK."

"Asuka, why are you getting all pissed off? You never even lik-"

"Shut up you little traitor! Mind your own damn business."

Behind me, I hear Hikari draw in a sharp breath… but she does not retort, and after a moment, I hear her desk scrape against the floor as she settles into it.

This is my fight, it seems. No one will assist me. No one will support me. No one is going to intervene to help or hinder – it is down to Ikari, the Second, and me.

There is no option other than to move forward.

"Ikari, would you like to-"

"Don't ignore me!"

"-speak with me more after our synch-"

"DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!!"

"-ronization tests are complete?"

"Umm… I… s-sure, I g-guess…"

"DAMN IT!!"

Half of the class jumps as the Second's fist slams down on her desk, making it rattle against the floor. I turn to face her, fully prepared to defend myself, but she brushes past me, heading towards the door without a backward glance.

As she passes me, however, she whispers something too quiet for anyone else in the room to hear, and I have to keep myself from staring after her, positive that I saw something wet on her cheeks.

The classroom is silent, to my surprise. I expected everyone to begin whispering at once, to either condemn or praise me for having the wherewithal to actually defy the Second… but no one is saying anything. Instead, all eyes are on me, watching, expectant, waiting for me to make some statement, or show my triumph.

I do not feel triumphant. All I feel is confusion. It is as if I am taking something from her, somehow. It seems wrong – and I do not understand it. I have no reason to be ashamed of my actions, and yet, I am. I want someone to tell me that I did the right thing. I want someone to acknowledge that the Second was in the wrong for trying to stand in my way.

But most of all, I want this feeling to go away. I don't want to feel that I have done something wrong when I haven't. It is not… fair.

A desk scrapes behind me, and I turn, catching sight of Hikari as she rises to her feet. She strides towards the classroom door, keeping her head down as she calls out for Souryu.

She does not look at me.

Suddenly, I feel much, much older than fourteen. Hikari is my friend too, isn't she? Don't I deserve a word or a glance? Didn't I just act on her instructions and speak to Ikari?

Ikari is looking at me now. It makes me uncomfortable, but oddly, it is a pleasant sort of discomfort. How odd… to want his eyes on me while simultaneously wishing he would look away.

"Ahem."

"Sensei!"

"Is there something wrong, Mister Ikari? I just passed Miss Horaki and Miss Souryu in the hall. They seemed upset."

"N-no sir."

"Mm, I see. Very well, then since our class representative is absent, everyone please be so kind as to rise, now bow… and be seated. …you too, Miss Ayanami."

"Yes, sir."

With a final glance at Ikari, I take my seat… and almost immediately my computer system is lit with a deluge of instant messages. Our sensei seems to be ignoring the soft ping coming from my desk – most likely because I am a Child – and is proceeding to the opening argument of his lecture.

I take a glance at the screen, amazed by the variety of names and comments presented there. Several say, simply, 'Nice job!' or, 'You rule!' but just as many read, 'Tramp,' and 'Souryu kicks ass!'

One even goes so far as to propose a sexual encounter in the men's bathroom.

The username is anonymous.

Faster and faster the pings come, until a nonstop chorus of sound is coming from my computer's speakers. It is too much. I cannot cope with this much interaction at once. Not now. Not yet. It is too soon for this. I just want it to stop.

Click.

The classroom falls into silence as I switch my system off, and I realize that even the sensei has stopped talking. I keep my eyes on my desk, refusing to look at any of them for fear of what I might see in their eyes.

Be it loathing or admiration, I know that I will not be able to handle it. I have already done so much more today than I had planned that the idea of having to interact with anyone in a casual setting is literally terrifying to me right now. I am so overloaded that I am actually anticipating being at NERV… which, I believe, is a first for me.

The sensei opens his mouth to continue his lecture, and as the first syllable leaves his mouth, I feel a soft vibrating in my pocket.

No… no, not now.

"Sensei."

"Yes, Mister Ikari?"

"I… we need to go…"

Instantly, everyone is on their feet, lining up in rows as the sensei shouts for quiet. This is familiar to them. They know what they must do.

Quickly, the students file out of the room, leaving only Ikari and me behind as we reach into our pockets and pull out our cell phones.

"Rei."

"Yes."

"There is a situation."

"…yes."

"Section Two is on the way to retrieve you now."

"I understand."

"Rei."

"Yes?"

"…I've read Doctor Akagi's report. You are to double your synchronization drills until your numbers are up to four points over their original levels. Understood?"

"Yes sir."

Click.

I close my cell phone and put it back in my pocket. Ikari is standing now, staring out the window as his hands clench and unclench nervously at his sides.

Rising to my feet, I step closer to him, once again feeling the now-familiar edge of uncertainty twist my stomach as I glance at his reflection in the window. He is… very attractive. I know that some of the others in class do not agree with this, as I have heard them talking about it on more than one occasion, but to me… Ikari is very appealing.

I like the lankness of his hair. I like the cloudiness of his eyes. I like the thinness of his frame. I like the sad droop of his lips.

Every fault I have overheard shines to me, exposing the true depth of my feelings.

"Ik…ari?"

I still cannot say his name…

"Hmm?"

"Do you… like Souryu-san?"

"I… yeah, I… kinda… I guess…"

"Are you angry with me…?"

"N-no! Why… why would you even ask that??"

"…I upset her."

"Well, that's er…"

"I did not mean to make you mad."

"You didn't, really! But I…"

"Yes?"

"Do you really want to… to talk to me about something?"

"Yes."

"We, umm… they're coming to get us…"

"Yes."

"Maybe we should… talk now…?"

My heart is beating fast. We are alone, and Ikari has offered to listen to what I have to say… so why can I not make the words come out?

My throat literally hurts as I try to say, 'I would like to know you better,' or, 'would you like to spend some time with me in a private setting?' or, 'I like your company.'

They all sound so wooden and robotic.

Like me.

I feel a shiver work through me as I struggle to speak. This is not what I envisioned – nor is it even remotely close. This is beyond my control. This is too abrupt. I cannot make it work.

I CANNOT MAKE IT WORK!!

"Pilots Ayanami and Ikari, please come with us!"

No! Please, just one more minute – I want to say something… anything…

Shinji steps away from my side, giving me a nervous half-smile and a small wave as he walks over to one of the two Section Two agents standing at the door. We will not see each other again until we arrive at NERV – that is standard procedure.

Keeping Children separate during transportation was Major Katsuragi's concept, proposed after the arrival of the Second. She pointed out that a 'divide and conquer' approach would ensure proper delivery of at least one pilot, in the unlikely events of angel penetration into Tokyo-3 airspace, terrorist action against the pilots, or natural disaster barring one to two of the Children's paths.

It is a system I have never had a reason to dislike until now.

"Ayanami…?"

"Y-yes?"

"When it's over, we'll talk."

"…yes."

I follow the other agent out of the classroom, taking only minor comfort from Ikari's assurance. At least he is willing, I tell myself, but it took so much to reach this point that I am uncertain of my ability to reach it again. I should have said something when I had the chance.

I should have said something when I had the chance.

To be concluded…

Author's Notes: the end is coming. No, really. And just so you know, none of you have seen angst yet… but you will.

You've been warned.

No pre-reader is being used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.