Disclaimer: see part 1.
When All That's Left is Stillness
By Random1377
Part 9
Like a drowning swimmer trying desperately to get one last breath of air, I claw my way to consciousness, forcing my tired eyes open to find myself staring at yet another hospital room ceiling. I can feel the itch of an IV needle in the back of my left hand, as well as the telltale patches of stickiness denoting electrodes across the left half of my chest, though from my right, I can feel nothing.
This strikes me as odd. Always, before, I have been able to isolate each individual one, and they are always distributed evenly over my body.
I raise my right hand, examining it as it slowly comes into view.
Something is not right.
Though my mind is still sluggish from being unconscious, I can still register some things from the world around me. The first thing I notice is that there is an IV in my right hand as well. The second thing I notice is the electrode wires running out from the sleeve of my hospital gown to the machine at the side of my bed.
And the third thing I notice is that I cannot feel either of these things.
Experimentally, I grasp my right hand with my left and squeeze.
Nothing.
I know I am not paralyzed, as I can SEE my arm moving… but somehow, I am not getting any of the sensations associated with movement. I cannot even feel the pins and needles that are now running through my left side as nerves that have been dormant for some time (how long?) slowly come back to life.
A soft beep draws my attention, and letting my arm fall to my side I follow the noise, finding one of the lights on the machine to my left flashing incessantly. There is a soft whir, and I notice that my right rises slightly. Alarmed, I turn back, finding my upper arm swelling as another machine beeps intermittently.
Blood pressure, I tell myself. It is only a blood pressure cuff.
I try to slow my beating heart, glancing around for anything that may tell me what time it is. This proves fruitless, as the room I am in does not have a window, and seems devoid of any timekeeping devices. The door opens a moment later, however, and a doctor in a white coat steps through, smiling broadly as if my awakening was a direct result of his actions.
"You're up! Excellent."
"Doctor."
"How do you feel, Miss Ayanami?"
"I cannot feel my right side. Why?"
"Ahh, straight to the point, I see… well, yes, hmm… I'm afraid there was some nerve damage incurred when the resuscitation equipment in your plugsuit malfunctioned. What is your last memory?"
"My last memory is of Pilot Ikari retrieving me from Unit 00."
"Yes, I assumed as much… that was about the point were things went wrong. I'm afraid I cannot give you details about the fight itself – I've been given strict instructions to leave that to your commanding officer – but I can tell you that your heart stopped beating when the neural link between you and your Unit was severed."
"Yes… I remember."
"Mm, yes, well, electricity was administered to restart it… and I'm afraid the charge was a bit higher than it should have been, due to a fused transfer assembly in your plugsuit's battery pack."
"Understood. When will I regain the feeling in my right side?"
"I'm, er… afraid you won't, Miss Ayanami. I apologize for being so blunt, but the damage is permanent."
"…I see."
The doctor seems awkward and embarrassed as he changes the subject, giving me a quick, but thorough physical and letting me know that the Commander has allowed me two days to rest before I begin physical therapy. When I ask him why I would need physical therapy, he explains to me that I have been unconscious for much longer than I had anticipated.
I had assumed twenty-four, to forty-eight hours.
It has been three weeks.
He explains that my muscle tissues show remarkably little deterioration, but he wants to make sure that I am able to function without feeling in my right side. He goes on to explain that my injury is rather unique, in his experience, because the only damage seems to be isolated to the receptor nerves – all of the transmitters that control motor function are intact, as are my auditory and optic nerves… but the cells responsible for reporting feedback for my sense of touch are no longer effective.
In short, I can walk, manipulate things, and function at one hundred percent, but I will not be able to feel any of it.
He asks me if I am hungry. When I say that I am, he tells me that he will have a nurse bring in a tray of food, and excuses himself, leaving me to my thoughts.
Three weeks. Three weeks I have been trapped in dreamless, silent slumber, oblivious to the world outside as it rushes past. How much has changed? How much has stayed the same? I cannot imagine that everything I know has become radically different, but I am certain that not everything has remained stagnant.
Hikari, for one, I am sure must have changed… she would have to, after learning of what I have done. Surely, she must hate me now.
I look up as someone knocks on my door, and a moment later, Ikari appears, carrying a tray of food.
"Umm… hi."
"Hello, Ikari."
"Can I come in?"
"Yes."
"Thanks. I saw the nurse bringing this to you, so I just figured… I thought I'd do it instead."
"Mm."
"So, umm, I'll just… here."
He trails off, bringing the tray to my bed and setting it carefully over me. He then elevates the back of the bed to allow me better access, giving me the opportunity to study him as he does so. He seems thinner… as if he is not eating properly, and his eyelids seem heavy, as though he has not slept much, but otherwise, he is still Ikari.
He still smells the same.
I avert my eyes as he turns to look at me, his expression uncertain and hesitant.
"Do you… need me to help you? I talked to the doctor. He told me about… about your umm… injury."
"I believe I can do it."
"Ok…"
Carefully, I reach out and pick up the fork, pleased that there is little shaking in my arm, but disconcerted by the lack of sensation as my fingers close around the metal. Ikari lifts the lid from the tray of food, murmuring that he tried to tell them I would not eat meat, but that they must have forgotten.
Inexplicably, I find my cheeks flushed.
I have only mentioned my dislike of meat once – and we have only eaten together once… yet he speaks of it as if we spend every meal together.
It is disturbing to me how appealing that sounds.
"…I'm glad you're ok."
"Mm…"
"There was a moment there, when I pulled you out of your entry plug, when I… I thought I'd lost you, too…"
"Too…?"
"Oh… oh no one's told you! Umm… oh, God, I thought the doctor would have told you what happened…"
"He said he was not allow-"
"Touji's… Touji's dead. Misato said he was visiting his uncle just outside of Tokyo-3, and he didn't get to a shelter in time and he was… he was caught in the blast when Unit 00 blew up."
"I… do not understand. The pilot of… Unit 03…"
"What pilot? It wasn't being piloted, Ayanami – my father explained that it was being operated by something called a 'dummy plug.' It's kind of like an autopilot for the EVAs."
They… have not told him the truth?
Why would they not tell him? Suzuhara was his friend – why create a story like this when it would be just as easy to let him know what really happened? I do not understand.
Ikari clears his throat, and proceeds to tell me that there was another angel.
He tells me that it invaded less than two days after Unit 03 was destroyed. Fortunately, by that time, Unit 02 had been repaired, and since Unit 01 had not received any damage, both Units were engaged for the fight.
According to Ikari, Unit 02 was positioned just inside the Geofront in a sniping position, with Unit 01 behind it as backup. Apparently, Unit 02 was caught unaware by the angel's primary close-assault weapon – two razorwire ribbons, disguised as arms – and disabled within the first three minutes, leaving Unit 01 to fight alone.
"…and I ran out of power right when I was about to beat it, can you believe that?"
"Then… how did you defeat it?"
"I'm not really sure, actually. It was pounding on Unit 01 with its arms, and my entry plug was cracking, and all I could think of doing was making Unit 01 move… and then everything went blue, and I passed out. When I woke up, the angel was dead, and everyone said I'd done it, but I really don't remember how."
"Mm…"
"I… I think Asuka might know what really happened, but every time I bring it up, she changes the subject. Hey, maybe someone will tell you, and you can tell me, ok?"
"All… alright."
"Thanks, Ayanami."
"…you are welcome."
He jumps slightly as my fork falls onto the tray. I frown at my hand, displeased that I forgot to keep it closed. It seems I will need to be more vigilant about how I do things I would normally take for granted. I had not realized before just how much of what I do is touch-reliant. Under normal circumstances, I would have noticed that my grip was slackening, and compensated automatically.
Now, I will need to focus on everything I do.
If I do not wish to be a burden.
Ikari says nothing as I eat everything on my tray – even the meat portions, though I do not enjoy them – as I know I will need the energy to allow my body to recover faster. When I am done, he sets the tray to the side and helps me lower my bed, murmuring that he will let me sleep.
I nod and close my eyes, suddenly finding myself very fatigued, yet not quite able to fall immediately to sleep. Beginning to count – as the Commander taught me I should when I am unable to sleep – I wait for the door to open and close, signaling Ikari's departure… but when I get to three hundred and four, I realize that he is still with me.
I am on the verge of opening my eyes and asking him what is wrong, when I hear a soft, whispering sound… like fabric being drawn across a rough surface. It is very close to my right ear – somewhere near my cheek, by the sound of it – but I cannot identify it. It is unlike anything I have ever heard before, but somehow, it is very soothing.
Very slowly, I open my eyes just a sliver, trying to identify the noise.
All I can see… is Ikari. He is leaning over my bed, biting his bottom lip with an expression of intense concentration as he runs his fingertips lightly across the right side of my face.
Of all the times for me to be unable to feel… why must this be it? Why now? Why like this? Why am I denied the most basic of human affections the very first time it is offered to me?
Ikari jerks back suddenly as I open my eyes, scrambling to his feet with a look of shame so deep that it makes me almost physically ill. He stammers something about having to get some homework done, and hurries towards the door.
I barely find my voice before he is gone.
"Wait…"
"I umm, I really have to go… so get… get better soon, R- Ayanami, and umm… get better soon… bye."
"Wait, Ikari… do not go."
The silence is heavy and oppressive as he stands by the door, one hand raised and trembling halfway to the door handle. I can tell that he wants to leave… and I cannot say that I blame him. I would be mortified if I was in his situation.
But I am not in his situation – I am in my situation… and I have come too far and lost too much to stop moving forward now.
"…do not go."
And yet, I cannot find more compelling words.
Before me stands the one that I love – the one that, to me, I have acknowledged loving for less than three hours of consciousness… and I can do nothing more than beg him not to leave me. How… disgusting.
Am I truly so pathetic that I cannot express myself? What is so difficult about saying, 'I would like you to stay with me, because I enjoy your company and I would like to be with you'? They are only words… simple statements of affection and intent, and yet they will not come.
I am nothing.
My EVA is gone, so my status as a pilot is uncertain. The right side of my body feels dead, so I will need to be conscious of my every waking move so as not to inadvertently brush up against things and knock them down. And worst of all, I have been given a second opportunity to reveal my feelings to Ikari – to see if he cares for me on any level deeper than simple camaraderie…
…and all I bring forth is stillness.
"I'll… see you around."
"Ikari, I-"
It is too late.
Ikari throws the door open and hurries out.
Or at least, he would have, had the Second not been standing directly outside. As it is, he collides with her rather forcefully, knocking her to the ground and falling on top of her. I suppose, in a comedic setting, this would be rather amusing. Souryu's cry of surprise is certainly unlike anything I have ever heard before, and the silence that follows their unceremonious decent to the ground is definitely pregnant with possibilities for a quip or wry comment.
However, the atmosphere is too thick for such antics, and the Second's softly spoken words are far too serious to raise a laugh from anyone save the deranged.
"Would you get off?"
"Ahh! Sorry!! I didn't mean to-"
"Stop talking – now. Honestly, Third Child, if you were that desperate for a feel, you could have gotten one from Wondergirl while she was out."
"I didn't mean to touch you there! You have to beli-"
"You're still talking. You should stop."
"…sorry."
Ikari scrambles to his feet, and the Second follows a moment later, giving me a chance to get a better look at her.
Her appearances are… surprising, to say the least. Her eyes are hard and unsmiling – more so than I have ever seen – and her mouth seems frozen in a perpetual semi-frown, as if everything she sees upsets her. As she steps into the room, I realize that she is not wearing her A-10 connectors, and it occurs to me that I have never seen her without them before – even in the shower room.
Their absence unnerves me more than anything else.
"First."
"Souryu."
"I need to talk to you."
"Mm."
"Go away, Third Child."
"Er… y-yeah…"
The Second stares down at me unblinkingly until Ikari fumbles the door back open and bows his way out of it, and as soon as the door swings shut, she folds her arms over her breasts and starts talking.
"Did you tell him?"
"Tell him what?"
"Don't play with me, First – I'm not in the mood. Did you tell him?"
"About… Suzuhara."
"DUH!! Yes, about Suzuhara – DID you tell him??"
"…no."
"Don't."
"I do not understand."
"I didn't ask you to understand, I'm TELLING you that he can't know the truth."
"Why?"
"What are you, stupid?? God, how can you be that dense?! He thinks Suzuhara died because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time – do you know what it would do to him if he found out that one of us killed him? That it could have been avoided if we had a better battle plan?"
"…it would hurt him."
"Ya THINK?! This is why I came here – you would have just blabbed all about it, wouldn't you?!"
"No, I-"
"Shut up! He can't EVER know, First Child, do you get it? Ever. Period."
"I understand."
"Good."
Her admonition complete, the Second whirls around and stalks to the door, shoving it open and starting through it… but hesitating on the threshold with her head bowed as if deep in thought.
Slowly, she lets the door swing shut; keeping her back to me as she softly drives a knife deep into my heart.
"Hikari knows."
"She… does?"
"Yeah… her dad's department got the expense report for Touji's funeral, and the name sounded familiar – so like a true dumbass, he actually ASKED Hikari, 'Wasn't he a friend of yours? Did you know he was a pilot?' She cried for days, First Child… days."
"I see…"
"I hate you."
"Pardon?"
"You heard me. You're an emotionless little freak – nothing more. Hikari said she was sure you were only doing what you had to do, but I know better… you didn't even THINK about Suzuhara, did you? No, you just killed the angel like a good little doll, because that's all you are. You make me sick."
"I am not a d-"
"Shut your damn mouth, and don't ever open it when I'm around."
"You're wrong."
"Damn it, didn't I just say-"
"I wanted to save Suzuhara, but there was-"
"SHUT UP!!"
"-nothing I could do."
Souryu's shoulders are shaking, but as her back is to me, I cannot tell if it is with rage or grief. She pushes the door back open, straightening her back as she steps through it without a word, leaving me alone with my guilt and uncertainty.
Hikari knows that I am the one responsible for Suzuhara's death, Souryu hates me with every fiber of her being, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to find my way clear to actually TALK to Ikari.
Suddenly, I find myself thinking that it might have been better to have perished with Unit 00.
Contiuned…
Author's notes: I can't really think of anything to note other than the fact that I really don't know how fast muscle tissue deteriorates for people in comas. I just figured that with three weeks down, there'd probably be at least a couple days recuperation time. If anyone has a more realistic estimate for what three weeks of immobility does to a person, feel free to let me know.
No pre-reader is being used for this story.
Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.