Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 11

"Hey – hey! Did you hear?"

"What, about Horaki? Is it true?"

"Yeah! She moved like, day before yesterday – practically in the middle of the night."

"How come?"

"I don't know. I heard it was her dad's idea, but Tsuande says it's because Hikari couldn't stand staying here after what happened to Suzuhara."

"Man, that's rough… she had it bad for him, huh?"

"Wow, did she! I was talking to her about it a couple weeks ago before – you know – and she said she was going to make him a bento and everything. She was just about to confess!"

"Aww! That's so sad!!"

"I know!"

"Wish she'd called me… I didn't even get to say goodbye."

The girls I am listening to move on to other topics of conversation, leaving me to ponder what they have said. It is all over the school, of course… Hikari was well-liked by all who knew her, and her presence will be greatly missed.

Goodbye.

Shinji once told me not to say goodbye when we left on missions, as it was too sad… but somehow, not hearing it from Hikari feels very painful.

Why did she not tell me when she was in my apartment? By all appearances, she moved that night, or possibly early the next day… did she know, then, that she would not see me again?

It is… uncomfortable to me to believe that this is her way of punishing me for what I have done, but somehow, it seems fitting. What better way to demonstrate her rage than to leave me – she who has no friends – without a word?

Thoughts of Hikari are pushed from my mind as Shinji enters the classroom. My resolve is harder than it has ever been… there will never be a better moment than this one. I must not waver, nor falter, nor buckle.

This is my last chance. If I do not speak now, I will not be able to again, I know this.

And as I open my mouth, I find that finally… I am able to say his name out loud.

"Hello, Shinji."

"Oh, umm… Ayanami… hi."

"Th-thank you… for the chocolates."

"Oh, yeah, er… you're… umm, you're welcome."

"They were… good."

"Just good?"

"I… very good…?"

"I was just kidding, Ayanami…"

"I see."

"S-sorry… I'm not really good at umm…"

"…living?"

"Y-yeah, exactly…"

"Mm."

"Ayan-"

"Rei."

"Huh??"

"Forgive me, I would… like you to call me Rei…"

"Really…?"

"Yes."

"Umm, ok, umm… Rei, then… I…"

"…yes?"

"I'm glad you liked the chocolates."

Shinji's shoulders slump forward almost as much as mine. Did I truly expect more than this, when I myself offer nothing in return?

It is like he said – I too, am unskilled at living.

I had hoped for so much more to come out of this conversation… but I do not know how to make it happen. All I can think about is Hikari leaving without a word.

What if Shinji leaves too? Can I content myself with knowing that I simply TRIED to make him understand that I care for him?

…can I make him understand now?

"You… apologized for something…?"

"Huh?"

"On your note… it said 'gomen.'"

"…yeah."

"I do not understand."

"Th-that was… I wrote that… I was just…"

"Hmm?"

"…for touching you. When you were in the hospital, I touched you without asking."

"I did not feel it."

"Well, yeah, I know – I touched you on the right, the doctor said you wouldn't feel anything on the right… but still, I didn't… it wasn't RIGHT. I felt… it was dirty."

"Dirty…?"

"You shouldn't touch someone if they don't want you to… it's… not right…"

"Mm…"

"Are you mad?"

What should I say? Of course I am not mad… and of course, I understand his point – but how can I tell him that I would not mind feeling his touch? Actually FEELING it this time. All the words that come to my mind strike me as perverted and inappropriate. How can you tell someone you want to be touched without it sounding sexual or lewd?

He is watching me anxiously, so I am forced to reply the only way I know how.

I shake my head.

The urge to take his hand and lead it to my face once more is strong, but it would give the wrong impression. I am trapped by my silence as Shinji murmurs something about being glad and starts to rise to his feet.

Do not let him leave.

This thought goes over and over through my mind… but I do not know how to act on it. He gives me a small, painfully awkward smile, raising his hand in a wave so reminiscent of Hikari's that I find words coming out of my mouth before I can even think.

"…I would not mind."

"Huh?"

"If you did it again, sometime… I would… not mind…"

He looks confused.

I have lost the moment.

Slowly, his blinks and turns away. Somehow, the connection has not been made between what I have said and what we were talking about.

I almost repeat myself, but before I can speak, the acting class representative – Tsuande – rises and directs us to stand and bow. The opportunity to clarify my feelings does not come again, as Shinji is called out of class by a phone call from Major Katsuragi.

I find out later, at NERV, that the Second Child was hospitalized for malnourishment.

It seems that she stopped eating several days before Hikari left… and her body simply could not handle the strain any longer. I do not know if she will be able to pilot again, but Doctor Akagi and the bridge technicians seem remarkably tight-lipped about the subject, and I was ordered to participate in a synchronization readiness test, which I have not had to do since Unit 00's destruction.

Somehow, I feel that I am responsible for this, though I know this is not the case. Her eating habits have nothing to do with me, regardless of my relationship with Hikari.

…right?

This thought troubles me all the way home, causing me great unease as I consider the possibility that I have contributed to someone else's pain… even if it is someone that does not like me.

It is as I am reaching my apartment that this concept is driven entirely from my mind, and it is only an absentminded glance at my mail slot that brings my attention back to reality.

A letter, with only my name, has been taped over the mail slot, preventing anything else from being pushed inside, though knowing my current mail deliverer, he tried anyway. It is not something I would have noticed when leaving my apartment, of course, as I never look back to make sure my door is closed… and since I never check my mail under normal circumstances, I might not have noticed it before it was shoved into the slot along with the rest of my mail.

Carefully, I peel the envelope from the slot and carry it inside, absently removing my shoes as I carry it into the kitchen.

Who would take the time to write me?

The answer is instantly obvious… and it makes my heart beat faster in my chest.

Slowly, so as not to damage the contents, I pull the envelope open, feeling oddly short of breath as I shake out the single piece of paper and unfold it, hoping to see a lengthy explanation for why she left.

Instead, I find an odd stinging sensation filling my eyes as I regard the simple, lonely looking words on the letter.

Goodbye, Rei.

Nothing more.

The pain in my eyes is now unbearable, my vision blurry as hot tears well up behind my eyelids. I am crying… for the first time in my life, I am crying. It is a confusing, terrifying sensation to be this out of control, but I cannot stem the tide. All that is left to me of my only friend is two words on a floral-printed piece of stationary. Two words and the lingering fragrance of whatever the paper is scented with… a smell now forever associated with her presence. …but she did not leave without saying goodbye. She said it by holding me, and she said it here, on this piece of paper.

She did not leave me without telling me… I simply did not know how to hear it when she said it the first time.

As carefully as I can, I set the note on my bedside table, then – thinking better of this location – I carry it into the kitchen and affix it to my fridge with one of the small magnets the Commander bought me when I first moved in.

What a counterpoint – the words of a friend now gone held in place by the gift of a man I now understand cares nothing for my personal wellbeing. All I am is a tool. Replaceable. Dependable. Unquestioning. Loyal.

No more.

Abruptly, I know what I must do. I must leave this place – leave and never return. It is my only recourse. Perhaps Shinji will go with me. Perhaps I will meet Hikari again, as I travel. …perhaps I will be able to escape before the Commander realizes what I have done.

Too many uncertainties. Too many questions with no answers.

And yet… I find myself slowly packing clothes into my school bag, methodically stowing all that I can within its tight confines.

What am I doing…?

Where will I go…?

I no longer care. I cannot lead this useless existence any longer – I simply cannot. Others do not feel as I do. Others do not exist for a sole purpose. …do they? Certainly, Hikari did not exist solely for one objective. She was free in a way I might not ever be able to duplicate.

But just once, I would like to try. Just once… I would like to be one of those meaningless flowers, existing with no purpose other than to BE. I will find Hikari – yes, that is where I will start. Together, with her, I will begin to learn what it is to live. No longer will I be bound to-

"Rei."

"…Commander."

I did not even hear him come in…

"Going somewhere…?"

"No sir…"

"Really now? I believe that is the first time you've lied to me, Rei."

"I am…"

"You are what, Rei?"

"Leaving, Commander…"

"Mm… how bold of you…"

"I cannot be your do-"

"…to believe that you would be permitted that choice."

"Please, sir. I am not happy here."

"You know that I cannot allow it, Rei… why would you even broach the subject with me? Happiness is subjective."

"There is… too much pain here, Commander… I cannot stay here any longer… forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive, since you will not be leaving."

"Commander, I-"

"Life is pain, First Child. It is unavoidable – unstoppable. The only freedom is Complementation."

"That is… your dream, Commander, I-"

"You are using the word 'I' too much, Rei. Do you truly believe yourself to be free?"

"…yes."

"How foolish. Regardless of your lofty ideals, I cannot permit you to upset the scenario – not at this late stage. Therefore… you are to remain in your apartment under Section Two supervision until such time as I require you… and should you try to escape, I will be forced to replace you."

"…I hate you."

The words surprise us both… and there is silence in my apartment, broken finally when the Commander regains his composure, pushing his glasses further onto the bridge of his nose as a look of infinite sadness passes briefly over his features.

"I suppose you must… but that is not – cannot be – my concern any longer. Takamura."

"Sir!"

"Remove any sharp objects from the First Child's possession. She is to remain here under 24 hour surveillance, without visitors, until she is called for. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!"

"I did not wish for it to be this way, Rei… truly I did not. Goodbye."

I open my mouth to tell him that I will find a way to be free… but I close it again, as I know he will not care. The Commander leaves without a backward glance as the Section Two officer goes through my apartment and removes anything with which I could harm myself.

Does the Commander honestly believe that I would take my own life, after only knowing the joy of truly living for several days' time?

How… shortsighted of him.

Taking a deep breath, I sit on my bed and wait for the Section Two officer to leave. Containing my rage has become surprisingly difficult, but I manage it somehow, seeking stillness for what I know must be the last time. That refuge has lost its power… for better or for worse, and I am now – willingly – unarmored against the world without.

There is so much for me to be angry about, I realize belatedly. From my own unwillingness to see and interact with those around me, to the Commander's flawed, yet somehow understandable desire to keep me where he might one day be able to use me. It is myself I despise most, but now, at my darkest hour, I understand that it is alright for me to be upset at how I have been told to live up to this point. I have come too far. I have changed too much. I cannot ever… go back to the way I was.

Yes, I am a tool. Yes, I am a pilot. Yes, the destinies of all mankind ride on my shoulders.

…and yet, am I not human as well? Do I not deserve happiness as well?

Useless ruminations. My decision is made. I am tired now.

Slowly, I rise to my feet, the last shred of emotionlessness burning away from my mind as I gaze down at Hikari's letter, now resting listlessly and half-torn on the floor, a large shoe print covering my name in dirt and grim. Brushing it off as best I can, I take it back to bed, laying it on my stomach and closing my eyes as I prepare to sleep.

I will find you, Hikari, someday, somehow. You, Shinji, and I…

I no longer even know what I am thinking. What will we do, when I free myself of this tight cage and carry them with me into the light of the world outside?

Anything we want, I suppose. What a terrifying, wonderful idea – to be free with those I love. To be free at all is more than I have ever truly had, I understand that now… but freedom with those I care for?

If thinking about it alone can make me feel this way, I cannot even imagine the joy I will experience when this idea becomes reality.

Closing my eyes, I fall quickly to sleep, smiling faintly as I hold Hikari's final letter tight to my chest. Wait for me Hikari… wait for me Shinji… I will come for you. Someday, somehow.

…I will come for you.

The End

Alternate Ending 1

(This was the first planned ending. The setting is right after the 14th angel, and clearly, things did not quite head this direction. It was also going to be a little longer, but this gets the feeling across, I think)

"He is gone, Rei."

"I… do not understand."

"The Third Child… is unrecoverable. It seems that his ego border was breached during the fight with the angel, and his essence was taken into Unit 01."

"I do not believe you."

"Your belief is really rather immaterial in this case, First Child… the facts remain the same regardless of your willingness to accept them."

"…did he suffer?"

"I do not know, Rei… possibly – briefly, if at all. What does it matter?"

"It matters…"

"I don't like your interest in this, Rei… I believe it would be best if you were to spend some time thinking about your current situation. Section Two agents will be posted outside of your apartment, should you have any immediate needs. If not, you are to consider yourself under house arrest."

"Understood, Commander."

"Excellent… that's the attitude I expect from you."

"Yes."

"Believe me, Rei… in a week, two at the outside, this will all be a faint memory. The human capacity to endure pain is limitless… believe me."

"Yes sir."

"Mm. Goodbye, Rei."

I nod as the Commander leaves me alone… truly alone. Shinji… Shinji is gone – unrecoverable – and the Commander speaks of it as if it is no more important than the temperature outside.

Glancing around my apartment, I find it somehow smaller… and dimmer.

Shinji is gone.

I sigh. Perhaps this was inevitable, I do not know. The task we all undertake as pilots is life-threatening, but somehow, I always felt that it would be me that perished in the fight against the angels. I am replaceable.

Shinji is not.

Slowly, I rise to my feet, wandering through my apartment as I consider what I will do now. As if it was never in doubt, I find myself in my kitchen. Dull steel glitters in the overhead light, bright, by comparison, against the pale, fragile skin of my wrist. All I need is one, clean movement, and I will be free.

Closing my eyes, I envision Hikari and Shinji's faces – my friend… and the only one I have ever loved.

Let them guide my hand.

With a hiss of indrawn breath and a sharp tug, the knife sings through the air, clattering uselessly against the wall and falling to the floor as I imagine blood exploding from my wrist.

When I open my eyes, of course, I am unharmed, with only a dull scrape where a deep gouge should be.

…I am weak. The one I love has been taken from me, and I am too weak even to end my own life – barely even scratching myself when I had fully intended to cut down to the bone.

I am alone now – my friend has left, Shinji has been taken from me… even the Commander finds me so untrustworthy that he has locked me in my apartment, his words hinting that I will not see the outside until I am needed for Complementation.

Sinking to the floor, I bury my head in my hands and wait for the tears to come.

They never do.

Truly alone… waiting only to be used… I cannot even cry for what I have lost.

How ironic.

I have given up everything that matters to me, and instead of tears to relieve the awful, inescapable pain inside of me, all that is left to me…

…is stillness.

-End

Alternate Ending 2

(this was the first thing that came to my mind after writing the current ending… can you guess why I pulled it?)

I close my eyes and fall quickly asleep, smiling faintly as I anticipate what the future may hold.

…I do not even hear the door open in the middle of the night, or the footsteps quietly crossing my floor. The cock of the gun's hammer being drawn back does not disturb my sleep, and presumably… I am still smiling as the barrel is placed to my temple, and the trigger is pulled.

-End

Author's Notes: you know, I don't know what to say now. Hopefully, the final ending was a little more palatable than the original or the two alternate endings, but if not – well, what can ya do? I liked it. If you didn't, I guess I'll take this space to apologize, or something, though in all reality this was the only logical way it could have gone. Rei has changed too much over the course of this arc to be content sitting around waiting to be used. Yes, I may have played her a little more emotionally than some people are comfortable with, but again, I think it's logical considering all that she has done and thought about. And anyone out there that thinks Gendou would just let her go, or not know that she's planning SOMETHING after all of her unusual behavior, let me just say 'pah-ha' to you.

Eh, anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little story.

Thanks for reading.

No pre-reader was used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.